I have been attending a weekly networking seminar to help my job search. The purpose is to share leads, job search tips and remain connected to the wider world. The last part is important, as I seem to spend far too much time at my subterranean desk alternately writing automotive articles and cover letters.
Last week was an interesting first despite being full time for nearly a year and a half.
After the moderated portion of the seminar we split into groups and I found myself in a group of five women.
I am used to passing and generally expect to pass wherever I go (I dont mean to sound big headed, yes I still doubt myself and yes I am still very pleased when I know I pass).
I knew I was passing in this situation as being all women of a certain age, divorce and separation was the norm and I was asked about my ex-husband and my children. I found it harder and harder to keep my answers gender neutral.
My continued use of ex and partner seemed to trigger a look in my integrators eyes, “ maybe she is lesbian”. I quickly threw in a he or two to dispel her suspicion. Ironically this is what my ex “J” particularly dislikes, ie being thought of as gay.
It was flattering to hear her say, “but look at you girl, doesn’t he want to get back together” Ummm I replied, you know people change, some more than others.”
I felt bad about lying but nor was I about to sacrifice hard earned passing and acceptance so easily.
Moral qualms aside it was wonderful to be accepted as unquestionably female in a group of women. Now I do have female friends but all of them know of my past. The vibe was different from anything I had ever experienced.
wow! i can see how that might have been a wee bit difficult but i think you did well despite the fact you had to lie. thanks for sharing april!
ReplyDeleteIt comes with the territory unfortunately April. In my line of work I get asked all sorts of questions, many just the same as those you were asked. I nearly came unstuck once when asked about which school I attended. When I said it was an all-girls school near to where I used to live, the lady who'd asked the question asked if I knew a 'Miss...so and so' I had to reply that I couldn't remember that far back!
ReplyDeleteBest wishes on your forthcoming date with the surgeon. I hope everything goes well for you.
Shirley Anne x
This experience highlights well the social issues that come with acceptance. One ends up fibbing too much for comfort. Or at least lying by withholding the full facts. It's something nobody wants, but it's a fact of life. Take some comfort in the thought that only saints tell the plain unembellished truth in what could be termed ordinary life. People rarely reveal all, often for very straightforward reasons, such as natural caution, shame, or a wish to seem successful and clever, when all the time they, like so many others, made mistakes and misjudgements. It's safe to assume that everyone has something to hide, and that nobody can really afford to be totally frank. People who know something about life understand that, and will stop probing.
ReplyDeleteYou may have given the impression in fact that you have had a past that perhaps doesn't bear close examination, but is similar to many other people's, that you've coped and moved on, and that in any case you are plainly a nice person who deserves the same empathy as everyone else.
Lucy
I agree with everything said above, sweetie. :c)
ReplyDeleteAs an ex-altar boy, I am pretty certain this would be categorized as, at worst, a "sin of omission." We would get x number of times we had to recite the Act of Contrition to atone. I guess the Canadian equivalent would be, oh, a ten-minute misconduct - or would that be "MissConduct" (HA!) - penalty. (You all have penalty boxes in your living rooms up there, right? Next to the maple syrup dispenser?)
You ended on the right note: you were accepted for who you are. And what could be better than that? :c)
Hugs,
Cass
It must be difficult, but it sounds as though you hit the right note. Given that so much of my life is in effect a lie I worry about how easily I do it on occasion.
ReplyDeleteIf I ever buy a yacht I will call it the MissConduct
ReplyDeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled across your blog. Congrats on your upcoming GRS.
I have yet to be in a position where somebody that doesn't already know me ask about my past ... in fact, many do not even know I am transgender yet.