Not Worthy....Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over. My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and screaming to therapy.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over.

My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.

If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.

My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.

Lets me see what I can remember,

First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.

The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.

Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.

I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.

I believed I was not worthy of anyone loving me.

I feared I was expendable and I would loose the little security I had regained in my life.

I was scared and powerless.

No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.

I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.

This is a first step.

Nothing profound in my musical choice just the Beach Boys pounding out Dance Dance Dance
.....they look like they are really having fun....joyous
 

Smile Smile Smile....Dispatches from the dating front....men are pigs and only want one thing! Wow April news flash! OK I am being unfair I have met maybe one or two true gentlemen.

 

Dispatches from the dating front....men are pigs and only want one thing!  Wow April news flash! OK I am being unfair I have met maybe one or two true gentlemen.


Greetings from the office over the stairs....really my office used to be a closet....insert joke here...

I am still battling periods of depression as super blogger Cass will attest, as she, poor girl, is usually on the receiving end of my sad ass text messages.

I had my middle daughter over the other day , we had pizza and watched Toy Story 3, now that is a tough film not to cry over.  

It has been an up and down existence emotionally the last month as sad April battles positive April for supremacy. It sucks being depressed, everything I love loses its luster, from cars to music, even food tastes like sawdust.  Good news is I dropped below my target weight LOL.

I won't sugar coat this for anyone reading this blog near the beginning of their journey. Transition is worth the blood and tears but you better be strong.  

I am posting this as I am on a upswing (I could be back in the depths of hell by this evening). I have come dangerously close to giving into despair but hope is a terrible and powerful thing that keeps me moving forward in this uncertain and scary world.

The Ravonettes have a great new-ish "surf" inspired album but I am trying to listen to only positive upbeat tunes. So I will save that review for later.

My favorite pop punk band the Dollyrots have an amazing acoustic album out called Love Songs, Werewolves and Zombies. You cant help but to play it loud and dance around the room. The song Smile Smile Smile seemed to speak to the trans condition....

you can buy it here:

 http://thedollyrots.bandcamp.com/album/love-songs-werewolves-zombies-a-dollyrots-acoustic-album

HOW TO FIX A BROKEN HEART....DATING. I am still hurt and angry and prone to fits of crying but a little of the old determination and courage that got me through transition is creeping back. I had not dated since the divorce as I was scared

bitches be crazy!

I had not dated since the divorce as I was scared and I didn't want to upset my friend from the last post.

I joined a dating site and have been inundated with responses.....yeah I'm bragging.....but its more to do with my profile drafting skills. I have a degree in marketing and I am a writer, I know how to sell the sizzle...

Yes I always wanted to work on Madison Avenue.

It is hard to find the time to do the typical coffee date but I have managed to squeeze a few into a busy schedule.

Some good none bad, there were two where we had nothing in common whatsoever, those were more humerous than anything else. Others involved great conversations that neither of us wanted to end.

But I can tell you have questions, dear constant reader.  Let me second guess you.

Passing?


As no one has called me on it I am passing with all comers both in person and on the phone.

Telling?

Do I tell. NO not at this point. I am a woman and I don't owe anyone my life history until I am damn good and ready and things are moving towards a relationship.

So early days yet and I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I am sure it won't be easy.  

Here is the stunning Sylvie Vartan on Hullabaloo from 1965, the guy is cute too: