This Photo is a Lie. Have you ever had a love affair that makes you miserable?

Have you ever had a love affair that makes you miserable?

Have you ever had a love affair (sounds more adult than dating) that makes you miserable? I do not mean after it is over and you are trying to mend a broken heart but when that affair is actually ongoing.

I might be smiling in the above photo but inside I am miserable and lonely.

I have been dating someone for a while and everything seemed to be going well. In fact I fell for them hard. Don't ask me to explain it, looks, personality, I don't know, except that I was hooked. Eventually I even confessed my secret and they didn't freak out or run away. 

At this point it should have been all sunshine and lollipops but they are elusive, a week may go by with only handful of texts despite us living minutes apart. Plans to get together almost invariably are cancelled at their request, sometimes at the last minute.

At first this behaviour would drive me to distraction and then tears. We talked about my concerns all they made all the right noises but little has changed....gotten worse?

I decided to step back and to let them initiate any future contact and if it were not forthcoming I would have a clear answer to my fears.

I am finding it very difficult to maintain the I don't care attitude. I hear the phone alerting me to a text message or phone call and I lunge for my cell like a drowning sailor. I want to call or text but I stay my hand as not to appear any more desperate than I am.

When they call or heaven forbid when we get together I am on cloud nine. Invariably our time together is short and the day ends is disappointment. The uncertainty of when we will meet again is the worst and I have literally made myself sick. For the last two weeks everything I eat tastes like I have been sucking on a leaky Eveready battery. A quick on line search links such a symptom to everything from depression (doh) to diabetes.

You might ask, “if this person knows all about you, they will know of this blog and will end up reading this very post” I did show them the blog but they haven't read it and will likely never see this.

I hear you say dear constant reader, “why don't you bug out?” Believe me I have asked myself the same question ad nauseam but I am enamoured (oh gods even worse I might be in love) and they give me just enough attention to keep me hanging on, like a damn fool.

Now on the plus side today at work I was helping two women who remarked on my sultry voice. Later I overheard them remark, “look at her she could do anything why is she working here”.  A co-worked said that they told him that I looked like a Bond girl. Now that is high praise indeed.

I hope they were thinking of Tatiana Romanova from Russia With Love.

A delightful older lady, a regular customer, (she was wearing a gorgeous pink Chanel suit) told me that I should be a model with my figure.

Thanks ladies you helped make a bad day feel a little better.

April's April Update Bitches.....I almost let the month named in my honour go by without an update on my super fabulous life

Great goggly moogly, (Utterance of great surprise. Common in blues songs) I almost let the month named in my honour go by without an update on my super fabulous life......ok sarcasm off.

On the plus side it seems to have finally stopped snowing though we did have a little flurry a week ago. Summer tires are back on the daily driver.

In general and to my chagrin life has been the same, job (she shakes her head derisively), search for new job (she weeps quietly in the corner) have seen no improvement.

I had high hopes on the car front but lack of garage space this season means that the Corvette may have to stay in storage and the Stutz remain unfinished for another season. The Lincoln and Electra may get brought out of hibernation for a week or two of exercise and minor repairs.

Last week, I revived Elvis from his slumber

fired up and idled as smooth as silk

I did take my 1971 Schwinn Stingray out for a ride to welcome spring to the Great White North.

I have been making notes for more in-depth blog posts, tackling IMPORTANT issues but my heart is not in it today.

I am still struggling with relationships. I have to remind myself that so are many "normal" people with non-transsexual histories. I have known for a while that I want a real relationship, one that will lead to long term stability and domesticity.

I have also learned that I have no control over who I develop feeling for and usually those are the wrong ones who cause me nothing but heartache and misery. Unwittingly I have had the same effect on others....so karma?

Too many bad days and nights with a dark cloud hanging over me feeling as depressed as a Ravonettes album.

I don't have to tell anyone about my past and I mostly feel that they don't have a right to know until I am ready to tell them. But tell them I must, I feel that I can't be myself and be open and free with a potential partner unless they know my superhero origin story.

trying too hard to channel Jayne Mansfield

It is not an easy thing to admit and rejection is always a risk. Sometimes the rejection is instantaneous and other times it percolates and they realize that they can only see me for who I was, not who I am.

It hurts no less either way.

Hugs,

April

PS. Not my motorcycle in lead photo (two wheels bad, four wheels good)....but it does belong to a cool chick

As a palate cleanser lets have something upbeat

Finally Got My Hair Done.....the Super Vain Selfies Edition

I promised some more specific blog posts but I am feeling pretty blue right now. Relationships....enough said. So instead I am going to be vain and post a bunch of selfies I took in the car (Bettie) after a visit to the salon.

Yes, I used the beautify filter on camera, heck I just had a 45 minute electrolysis touch up session the same morning, cut me some slack.

I really liked the photos so dear constant reader I am sharing them with you. I know I know my benevolence knows no bounds.

I am wearing my pale pink suede jacket, hair was highlighted a little lighter than normal and trimmed. I snapped the photos while waiting to pick up my youngest daughters from school.

you can see the wrinkles in this one LOL

In my last post (featured in the T Central banner no less....I will endeavour not to let the fame go to my head....does it come with a tiara?) I talked about forgetting my past. I am still struggling relationship and career wise but not a day goes buy when I don't have a quiet moment to thank God, gods, the universe, Elvis that I was able to transition and that I am a woman now.

If you know in your heart it is transition or die, have faith, it is possible, for worse and better your life will never be the same. We few, we happy few, we live two lives in one lifetime.

Here are two fifties pop standards re-imagined from the Stubbs The Zombie video game soundtrack:

 Hugs,

April