Hidden History

As a historian at heart or just a history geek, it was my undergrad degree after all; I am always looking for the background of things. The history of the cars I drive, the places I visit. Even in relatively young North America there is a wealth of fascinating history all around us laying just under the surface of everyday life.

Prior to the internet age being Trans generally meant a life in isolation. Just as the net has allowed us to discover each other and to find out we are not alone it is also bringing to light the history of our “tribe”.

I never fail to be amazed by those women and men who have had the courage and determination to transition in the past. It is damn hard now; I can hardly imagine the strength it took to be themselves in the fifties, sixties, seventies, even eighties.

Growing up I would scour every library I came across to learn more about my “condition”. There was such a dearth of material, a book here or there like scraps from some forgotten civilization. The lack of information mirrored my own life, a hidden history, which I dared not share with anyone.

I have talked about Roberta Cowell and April Ashley in the past and recommend you read their autobiographies.

http://www.changelingaspects.com/Life%20Stories/RobertaCowell/Roberta%20Cowell%20Story.pdf

http://www.antijen.org/Aprilv1/

I am most indebted to Elizabeth at Notes From the T Side for telling her story and for bring Harry Benjamin’s seminal work The Transsexual Phenomenon to a wider audience. Here are the links:

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

http://www.transgenderzone.com/downloads/ttphenom.pdf

Reading Harry’s book it is amazing to see both how much has changed and how little. Now there are understanding doctors and therapists, surgery is available across the continent and we no longer fear arrest and prosecution. However, the case histories mentioned shows that the heartbreak and joy are still the same.

Hugs,

April

Lookin’ for Trouble

No nothing is wrong; it is just that I promised I would post a link to Amanda Lear’s first single a cover of Elvis’ Trouble from the 1958 movie King Creole. Amanda’s version is “sung” in French, hence the title of her 1976 début single, La Bagarre.

Having fun driving the 2011 Mustang with the new 5.0 mill, on the way into work caught the sixties punk classics I Fought the Law by the Bobby Fuller Four and Dirty Robber by the Wailers. That has got to the closest I will get to experiencing what it would be like to purchase a new muscle car back in the day.

Very rainy couple of days here so thank goodness for the Mustang’s traction control, otherwise with all that power anything other than dry tarmac would really mean trouble.

Crazy morning making five lunches, then spouse and I herding everyone out the door, sometimes it feels that I have had a full day by the time I get to work. I am sure she does too.

Worked a little on the Mark IV in the rain, concerned about the custom four core rad I installed a number of years ago. Some of the delicate copper cooling fins had corroded, did a quick test this morning and looked ok but I will have to keep my eye on the coolant level. The big rad was necessary to keep the modified 460 V8 cool, despite a hood the size of an aircraft carrier there is not much room…its all taken up by engine.

Just in case you think you have stumbled on a car repair blog, a few Trans thoughts. I feel that there has been another subtle shift towards the feminine over the last week or two. Being April even when not presenting as such seems more natural, my thoughts and desires are as a woman. However, it is a tenuous thread, if I think too much about it that wonderful feeling of being her evaporates. I remain as impatient as ever to feel that way all the time.

Hugs,

April

Sleep Deprivation, Mustangs and a Must Read

Another wasted evening, I had plans to exercise, work on cars and finish the draft of an article for publication. I am sure other parents of young children can appreciate. After a relatively productive day at work I made it home for dinner (I was running late). By the time dishes were done, children readied for bed I was starting to crash. Mid way through the seven year olds bedtime story I started to mumble incoherently about contracts and blocking charts.

Once their lights were out I laid down (just for minute mind you) next thing I know I awoke with at start at midnight. I still had a disk to drop off! Hopped in the new 2011 Mustang GT (on loan…I am not made of money) to run my errand.

Nothing like 412 hp to wake you up! A CD of obscure soul and rockabilly added to the experience. You could get into so much trouble in this car and it is a good deal for the amount of performance under your heel(s).

Recharged slightly I decided to check e-mail and look up the stats on my blog…instead of doing something useful.

I took the opportunity of revisiting Elizabeth’s blog. I had a look earlier had had not been sure what to make of her story, reading from the beginning really opened my eyes. I know she must have more readers than me but I have to highly recommend (GO NOW) and read Notes from the T Side, an unassuming title but a riveting account of early transition not just in age but in era.

I am quite in awe of her and reading her amazing story does not make me regret my inability to transition earlier but fills me with hope for the future.

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

Two more photos from my weekend outing. Dorothy Parker said, “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." But I think ok in this one at least.

Hugs,

April

PS. To feel better I got up early this morning and did some work on the Mark IV’s washer system. Ford put the washer pump motor in the reservoir, it cracks washer fluid shorts out the motor…a little April re-engineering is in order.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving comes early in Canada. The big dinner with extended family was spent at my brother in laws. They of course don’t know yet, I expect they will by this time next year….perhaps even sooner than that.

I have used this blog as a form of catharsis that a private written diary could not provide and I have done my fair share of bitching.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for, a supportive spouse, loving children, a job, a home, parents who know and still love me.

Being Trans in no picnic and we naturally tend to focus on the stones in our pathway, the pain and the hurt.

Sometimes we need to remember what we have and not what we have lost or fear the loss of.

So big thanks to my family and to those of you have taken the time to read my mad ramblings, leave comments or send e-mails.

You are all in my prayers.

Big hugs,

April

PS. I did get out on the weekend for coffee with Marissa, I felt I did a good job on my makeup and I had a great time and was totally unselfconscious.

Miss Amanda Jones

Friday, amazingly it came around again. Long weekend and turkey day approaches here in the land of ice and snow or as my old history teacher at boarding school in the UK used to say…the colonies.

I am really looking forward to getting out with my girl friends after last week’s curtailed outing. Have to squeeze my girl time in between family outings on Saturday and Monday. Don’t forget a little car restoration, lawn care etc etc…

As Wed night was barren, Thursday evening was fruitful with work on rebuilding (re-engineering) the Lincoln’s Autolamp system, automatic dimmer using a photo electric eye, headlight delay and twilight on/off. NOS ones cost almost $400 if you can find one.

Even made it out for some exercise.

How about some more Amanda, think that would make a good middle name for me?
Ms. Lear has had an amazing life and career, from Le Carrousel in Paris to international disco queen, TV personality, artist etc. She also found the time to date a number of rock n’ rollers including the ill starred Brian Jones. In fact the Rolling Stones even recorded a song about her on the 1967 Between the Buttons album. The track has a definite Chuck Berry feel with Keith Richard’s trademark guitar sound. Miss Amanda Jones can be heard at the link below:




Down and down she goes, Amanda Jones
I said down and down and down and down
She'd look really lovely at home
Till somebody's going to come up and ask her
To live happily ever after
Miss Amanda Jones

On and on she goes, little Miss Amanda Jones
I said on and on and on and on
Just watch her as she grow
Don't want to say it very obviously
But she's losing her nobility
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, don't you realize the money invested in you?
Hey girl, you've just got to find someone who'll really pull your family through
Up and up she goes, Amanda Jones

I said up and up and up and up
She looks quite delightfully stoned
She's the darling of the discotheque crowd
Of her lineage she's rightfully proud
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, with your nonsense nose pointing right down to the floor
Hey girl, your suspender shows and the girl behind you looks a bit unsure
Round and round she goes, the world of Amanda Jones
I said round and round and round and round
The balls and the dinners and shows
The little girl she just wanders about
Till it's time for her coming out
Miss Amanda Jones
Round and round and round

Hugs,

April

More Notes From Suburbia…a continuing series

This girl clearly cannot handle her booze. I had a full evening planned work on cars and work on the computer….so what did I get accomplished nothing. I fell asleep and even slept in this morning. The half glass of wine I had with dinner was not a good idea….

Parent/teacher night at school, late dinner, homework with the children, bed time….I am beat. By the time they are off to school in the morning I feel as if I have put in a full day even before I have made it to work. Any GG’s reading will no doubt say welcome to womanhood that’s what being a mom is all about.

As I have said before, family and work responsibilities leave little time for anything other than sleep. In my misspent youth I was able to burn the candle at both ends and work in the garage late into the night.

It so frustrating , I need to make the time for all the issues surrounding transition but by the end of the day I am exhausted, not sure if it is just my schedule or a by product of the HRT. I am not giving up, I will just have to be more creative and keep myself motivated.

I had a terrible time remaining focused at work the last few months, things are a little better. I am not sure if it is more immediate deadlines or I am finally getting my mind back on track.

Construction has forced me to take a new route to work, after six years of taking the very same roads it feels really odd….I know you are saving wow can her life get any more exciting, can she take any more daring risks.

It is Thanksgiving weekend coming up here in the Dominion, we get a jump on our friends to the south. I love Turkey but of course have to watch what I eat. As of today my weight is exactly what Dr. O said it should be for surgery. I wish that was the only prerequisite for SRS and FFS.

My wife has been kind enough to call me April around the house more, a wonderful feeling when I hear my “real” name, like the sun breaking through a cloudy sky.

A little music to see you through to Friday, Blood & Honey by Amanda Lear. Despite her on and off again denials, Amanda is one of us. I get the impression she does not like to be reminded of that fact. As a woman since her surgery in the early sixties she has that right.

You can read more here:
http://zagria.blogspot.com/2008/07/amanda-lear-1939-performer.html

What Is Wrong With Me?

No I don’t mean being Trans, I am at peace with who I am and what I have to do to be myself.

By wrong I mean why am I not doing the things I need to do to make my female dreams a reality.

First and foremost I need a new job as I cannot transition where I am. True I am very busy in my current position, family responsibilities and cars but I have not made the time to search out that new job.

Am I afraid no one will want me?

Afraid I will end up in another job I cannot transition in and therefore right back to where I started?

Am I using my current position as a security blanket? The familiar status quo where I feel safe and more importantly “HE” feels safe. If “HE” keeps working there April will have to remain in the shadows and “HE” remains in control.

I need to finish the restoration on one of my collector cars, its sale would help pay for FSS and SRS. Am I afraid to finish and then sell as the car defines who I am as a man?

Putting off its completion as it helps him keep April in no man’s land.

Afraid that a new job and the funds for surgery will mean the end of my comfortable suburban family life and my safe and unquestioned existence as a man.

Wow, that is enough questions for now.

Hugs,

April