Baby the Trans???

Dear constant readers, hope your Christmas preparations are all in order and if not you better get busy. Those of you, who don’t celebrate the season, count yourselves lucky….just kidding…somewhat. I am hopelessly behind even more than usual but I am blaming work.

Sorry didn’t post yesterday as we were filming late into the evening. I was hoping for a bit of a break today but another urgent assignment got to drop everything and do that. Cannot even take any time off as planned since we have an early January deadline to meet.

Thank goodness for my wife as she has picked up the slack and infused the house with Christmas decorations and spirit.

My current job is a roadblock to my transition. The only option is to make the time to find another position. I am working hard to make that happen and have already sent off some resumes but finding the time is difficult. I need to do more to realize my destiny.

I attended two Christmas open houses last week, both were very pleasant affairs, I had a real bad day at work Friday so the first event was somewhat over shadowed by my experience earlier that day.

I am a lot less shy than I used to be but at one point found myself both literally and figuratively sitting alone between the men and the women. I certainly know which side I wish to be on, however in my present state I seem to be neither one nor the other.

The second get together, apart from a brief discussion about the merits of snow tires found me hanging out on the female side of the room. I was more comfortable there but had to feign either shock or ignorance when it came to certain topics.

Hugs,

April

I have no idea if this 1988 song by Joe Strummer has anything to do with being Trans despite the word being in the title. The track from the movie Permanent Record has obscure Dylanesque lyrics and a great beat.





The horror comic cover was borrowed from the Rev. Frost site, if you like the kind of music I tend to post check him out and be sure to download his latest Christmas Mix:

http://reverendfrost.blogspot.com/

The Doctor Is In

Dr. Spiegel, one of basically four experts in facial feminization surgery was giving a lecture in Toronto. I had a consultation with him in Atlanta at the Southern Comfort Conference in 2009. I came away very impressed and was determined that if I were to have surgery it would be with him.

I welcomed the opportunity to hear him speak again and it would be a chance to push my own envelope and make another trip to the big city as April, oh and in daylight too!

The lecture was scheduled for 11:00 am and my meeting with Dr. Spiegel was at 1:15 pm. The drive into Toronto can be unpredictable as to traffic and weather so I wanted to leave around nine in order to make it downtown and park without being too pressed for time.

The household was in general chaos as the children had dance and swimming classes that morning and my wife would have to take them herself, always a stressful job.

Wanting to look as natural as possible I choose a favorite pair of jeans, black top with lace trim and a black sweater. I did my make up and nails and was ready to go by quarter past nine.

Not having come out to my neighbors yet some stealth was necessary in leaving my little slice of suburbia. A heavy male bomber jacket, runners and dark glasses made me fairly indistinguishable from my workaday male self.

The roads were clear and I made it into Toronto in good time and found convenient underground parking close to 519 Church where the lecture would be held. Once the Toronado was dry docked I was able to switch over to boots, female coat and of course a wig. I have been letting my natural hair grow and had a little trouble of getting the wig to sit right.

I had some difficulty finding the place but made it with enough time to touch up my face. I can’t say I was really happy with my look at first, just couldn’t seem to get the hair right. Perhaps I was just feeling too self conscious.

When I go out I am usually very nervous for the first 45 minutes or so, Saturday was no exception. As I waited for the lecture to begin I began to get more and more agitated, I felt I looked too much like a guy, comparing myself unfavorably with the other attendees, the majority of whom I guessed were full time.

Once the lecture began I relaxed considerably and even laughed at some of Doctor Spiegel’s jokes. It was all very interesting and I learned a lot. While I was waiting for my consultation I started chatting with two other girls.


They were quite complimentary regarding my outfit and appearance, doing wonders for my self confidence. Later we went for coffee, it was quite normal and at the same time sublime. Just three women out on the town and having a chat, a wonderful experience.

I began to feel that all was not black and that I could do this (transition) after all, and do it successfully.

Dr. Spiegel remembered me from Atlanta and we reviewed the procedures he recommended to feminize my face. I wish I could have the surgery tomorrow. No it is not cheap and a beloved car or two will have to be sold. I love my cars but I know what is more important in this situation.

I journeyed home with a lighter heart and was able to spend the rest of the day with my family as myself. Another wonderful experience.

I was exhausted by days end, the stresses of leaving the house and getting into the city had drained me but I went to bed that evening as happy as I have been in a long long time.

Hugs,

April

So how can I work in an Elvis video??? Well he did play one in the movie Change of Habit. No cracks about his knowledge of pharmacology and type casting....

Burning Ships

Once the words have left your lips there is no taking them back, I want to be a woman, I want to transition. Some might insist that it is I am a woman and I must transition.

In 1519, Capitan Hernando Cortes set fire to his fleet, or so they say, giving his army no way to escape, victory would be their only savior. It worked he defeated the Aztec Empire and Spain made South America hers.

There is no going back, our ships are burnt upon the shore and I wish for us all to dance in the sight of their flames.

Travelling into the big city tomorrow as April! As they say getting there is half the fun…

Now for some Elvis



Hugs,

April

Little Sparrow

I am lucky that those closest to me read this blog, my mother for one. She suggested I feature Edith Piaf’s signature tune, Non, je ne regrette rien‏, "No,I regret nothing". I know a bit of a dramatic choice but is a beautiful song and when played at the end of her bio pic La Vie En Rose, it will leave you in tears.

I was vaguely familiar with the tune and Piaf’s tough but amazing life story but I did not know that this tune was adopted by the Foreign Legion. It was sung as the leaders of the failed 1961 Algerian coup surrendered themselves to prison and disgrace. Oh how wonderfully French.

Please listen not as the soundtrack to a defiant last stand (but a great choice) but more as a declaration of strength and hope for the future.

Some synchronicity as I have been dreaming of the South of France, an ideal warm and peaceful escape from the stresses of work and the chill of winter....just let me take my Corvette please.









Hugs,

April

Destiny and Twinkies

The last week has been a difficult one with my depression resurfacing with all the ill temper of the recent winter weather those of us in the New World have endured. Dealing with these demons while at work was particularly challenging. In my mind I had a number of stories prepared for why I looked so distraught. Luckily my office is relatively private and no one barged in yesterday.

I am sure my depression was evident in my posts, sorry for being such a downer, I am sure I sound like a whiney bitch. I was asked what is stopping me?

Good question, technically nothing except it would be my last day at work. My current position and thus the financial security of my family and myself would be sacrificed. If I were alone in the world I really would not care and would let the chips fall where they may.

The way forward should be clear, find another position. The difficulty and hard work associated with finding a new job and questions of do I tell when should I tell seemed to have paralyzed me into indecision.

A good friend reminded me that my destiny is womanhood and that I must work hard to grasp my goal, to allow myself to give up would be to condemn myself to the abyss.

Clearly I cannot maintain the status quo and must make the new job my utmost priority forsaking everything else. As Woody Harrelson said in Zombieland, “time to nut up or shut up”….perhaps an ironic choice in inspirational speeches but it was a cool movie…anybody got a Twinkie?




When I find a new song I like I usually play it constantly, so dig this undiscovered gem (to me at least) of the Tall Boys tribute to The Island of Lost Souls, great rolling, twangy groove:




Hugs,

April

I Just Want to Set the World On Fire

When I was younger the sound of the Tall Boys, Final Kick emanating from my old tube stereo was a signal I was in a bad mood, understatement more like when I was really really angry. When it felt like the blood was burning in my veins.

Something about this tune, perhaps the best psychobilly 45 ever, that both gave voice to and burnt out my rage. The male me was always angry and perhaps only happy when giving voice to that anger….I hate being this way.

I am listening to that song today.

Why?

Frustration with my life in waiting, fueled by jealousy of others who are free to move forward has overwhelmed me. No I am not proud of my emotions and much of that anger gets turned inwards.

I alternately, just want to set the world on fire or crawl into a deep dark hole.

But it’s not like Christmas at all

Stole that line from the classic Darlene Love song, Christmas (baby please come home). Helped put up the tree yesterday, dug out all the Christmas CDs including the amazing Phil Spector Christmas album, it even snowed creating a winter wonderland outside, but the Spirit of Christmas Present remains a stranger to me.

Darlene’s soulful plea is a honest note for those not feeling the whole Marshmallow World vibe.

Part of the problem is work, very busy laboring on a television project that is due in early January. Filmed this weekend and things went well, still one more shoot day to organize.

As part of the filming, put lots of miles on my old Toronado. She drove all over the place even across the border to Buffalo and back with nary a complaint.

Not bad for a thirty plus year old car but I do feel I was pushing my luck. Despite her mass and FWD a patch of black ice this morning almost ended things badly for the both of us.

Crossing an international border in this age of full body scanners, nothing says prepare for a cavity search like driving a big black vintage car in the middle of winter. Eye brows were raised and I believe I escaped x-rays and probes but the slightest margin.

I was a little put out that work prevented me from attending a big Christmas get together of girlfriends on Saturday. I did manage to get out for coffee with Marissa last night. It had snowed quite heavily but I was determined that April was not to be relegated to the closet for another week.

A little slippery as the plows and salt trucks had not passed by yet but good practice for the Monday morning commute.

I had a great chat with Marissa and felt a little better about things.

In the spirit of Scrooge I bring you one of the best Christmas songs ever and a wish that like Ebenezer we can shed the chains that bind our hearts.

Hugs,

April