How I Spent March Break

It has a been a busy March Break, no I was not off partying in Fort Lauderdale with all the college students…they do still do that don't they? I never saw the need to head south to party, I always had papers to write and exams to study for. I was an awful boyfriend, nose in a book when she would visit, but "J" stuck with me anyway.

The new job and "J's" father getting very ill meant I did my best to balance work and looking after the girls while they were home this week. Nothing special, movies, pizza dropping them off with my mother when I had to attend a last minute meeting in person. Sunday was better and we all went to see Disney on Ice. Being stuck (imprisoned) in guy mode meant I was rather dour.

Saturday I spent a good few hours washing the winter grime from they Town & Country, the Toronado and some detailing on the Electra. The Buick has already been pressed onto regular service easily swallowing the children in its cavernous back seat and a trunk that could hold six months worth of groceries. Gas mileage around town…about what you would expect. OPEC sends me valentines cards.

My attempt to make a few baby steps forward was a bit of bust, only just made it to the salon appointment on Friday evening and no time to get my ears pierced. Still a little worried how that will go over at work. I will still need a wig for the foreseeable future but should be able to dump it eventually, so long as I don't have to go back to short back and sides for work considerations.

My level of motivation, for all things took a hit this week. It took me a while to realize it but I was/am depressed, well d'oh! Actually I think I have been depressed for much longer, about the same period that I have been able to go out. Instead of more freedom, I feel more constrained. It is not the job but temporary family issues that have meant I am needed at home all the time.

Going out as April is so necessary but fraught with such anxiety, I always feel rushed, never time to relax and get ready. Just ask any of my friends how many times I have actually made it on time. It is like transitioning and de-transitioning all in one evening, the longer the period in between outings the harder it gets. I doubt I am explaining myself as I would wish but just trying to organize my thoughts helps.

Honestly I feel like a total shit complaining and feeling sorry for myself I (but that is what depression is all about), who want to write that in a blog about themselves? My grandmother, "J's" dad and my brother in Japan, all much more important and immediate problems.

Here's to a better week for all.

Hugs,

April

The video was sent to me by a car friend, vintage racing car crashes with a haunting tune by A. A. Brody called "Killed Myself When I Was Young. I don't think you can take your eyes away from the amazing footage.

I like the song, I first thought of suicide when at university, depressed by my imminent flunking out of business school (I did eventually manage to get my MBA) and perhaps other worries. But that is a post for another time.

Killed Myself When I Was Young from The Jalopy Journal on Vimeo.

Shut Up and Sing

I feel more than a little churlish bitching about my life when there are such bigger problems in the world. My mother is dealing with her mothers passing, "J's" father is not well (we had a scare yesterday) and my brother is in Tokyo sharing an island with a score of unstable nuclear reactors.

I found myself becoming very depressed this week over more than personal loss, the damn dysphoria picked just the wrong time to stage a come back. For the last couple of weeks I have felt myself on a knife edge teetering between hope and despair.

Shopping with "J" and the girls at Winners seemed to bring it on full force. Although I had time to look around myself I was in despised male mode and not comfortable browsing. In fact I found myself becoming more and more depressed, the proximity of the feminine world and my inability to fully join it added to my misery. Sometimes I want to weep with frustration...

It has been some time since I have been shopping in either boy or girl mode and I felt rusty.

Funny enough I am sure I spotted one of my own at the store, she looked great and even I was unsure but height (sigh) and the fact she was wearing a skirt and heels was the tell when all the GG's in the store were in jeans or pants of some sort. Actually I am here to praise her as I am sure she passed 100% with everyone else.

I was planning to get out for a quick coffee with a friend as April but the shopping trip went too long for me to get ready on time. As a result I had to cancel at the last minute. That did it, I was officially down for the count. My heart was not in it, I wanted to wallow in my own misery.

Once the black dog gets its teeth in you all one's other worries come out to play, can I pass, will I ever pass, perhaps I should just give up. It is all an impossible dream. Do yourself a favour and just be the guy you were physically born as.

No I am not out into the light again but nothing is achieved without hard work and planning. Time to make some things happen, even if they are baby steps.

Time to remember to stop whining and start singing. Nobody but me can make it happen...

Great "garage" version of the Human Beinz, Nobody But Me by the Norwegian girl group The Launderettes:

Hugs,

April

Long Black Limousine

The funeral for my grandmother was this morning. Lincoln limousines not Caddys.

As they say funerals are for the benefit of the living not the departed. My mother gave a beautiful eulogy that made her mother's life come alive in the minds eye of all those in attendance.

Like the title of this post suggests, I was going to use Elvis' version of Long Black Limousine but...

In guy mode I was suitably stoic but the minister had prepared a video montage of her life. The music he chose was the one song guaranteed to make me cry, Into the West, Journey's End from the conclusion to Lord of the Rings. It was all I could do to keep myself together but still I felt the tears come.

The photo is from her wedding day in 1941, she looks like a movie star.

Hugs,

April

Tired and Sleepy

Most of yesterday was spent at the funeral home and later at my mothers planning the funeral. The funeral home was very good striking the necessary balance between commercialism and compassion.

I was fine during most of the day but as we approached the end of the planning process I had to excuse myself and go sit in the car for a minute least I start sobbing....you know something guys aren't supposed to do.

Recovering from a lack of sleep yesterday as I received a call at 2:45 AM about the earthquake in Japan. My brother and his family live in Tokyo so naturally we were all worried. He was able to send an e-mail very soon and my mother was able to speak with him yesterday to everyone's relief.

The weekend looks as if it will be a busy one and the funeral is Monday morning.

Joys and Sorrows

One of the benefits of working from home is the that I see my children more and can walk them to school in the morning without fear of being late.

All three have such different personalities it is amazing, yesterday "V" (the real live wire) and I walked together and arriving early at the playground she initiated her favorite game, tag. Before I knew it a number of her friends had been drafted, of course I was it.

What a work out! The game has evolved over the school year it includes all sorts of arcane rules such as timeouts, T (safety zones), 10 second no tag backs and the ever popular prohibition on monkey guarding.

What a wonderful feeling, like being a kid again.

I had mentioned the other day that my Grandmother has not been well for some time. Since I saw her last on Sunday she had taken a turn for the worst. Her indomitable spirit that had carried her through so many years and through cruel imprisonment in her own body by a stoke, was finally failing her.

Family and work commitments kept me away the last two days, this morning on the way to filming I stopped in at the home to check on her... I had missed her by only twenty minutes.

We had spent a lot of time together when I was a child and far from home. It sounds archaic but I am in mourning, there is no better word.

She is at peace now, free from pain and I trust in a far better place.

April

The Bravest Woman I Know

International Women's Day, hmm. As someone who was in the closet since forever the annual media onslaught as to how hard women had it was hard to take.

Please don't get me wrong I agree with all the statistics about earning less and the potential for violence against women.

As a man I just hated being cast as the bad guy when all I wanted to do was join the other team. I am sure in my frustration I reacted with my share of vitriol and sarcastic remarks.

I will still argue that it is tough to be a man these days….. doubly so if you don't want to be one.

Some have taken the opportunity today to mention women that have inspired them. To that list I would like to add my grandmother. I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time with both grandparents when I was at boarding school, especially those bitter sweet "home weekends".

A member of the Greatest Generation" she is one of the bravest people I have ever met stoically bearing years of illness with a grace few if any could muster.

The same bravery I imagine she and other Londoners displayed during the war.

Hugs,

April

Black Coffee, Vikings, Snow and Jealousy

No I am not referring to a Norse hook up or anything to do with SPAM.

I have found that my ability to focus, especially when creative writing is the order of the day can at times be nearly impossible. Blood from a stone and all that. An absent muse is serious business as much of my job involves the creative use of words. Some professional scribblers a certain Mr. King among them never seem to lack for inspiration. I was relieved to learn from a freelance journalist and friend that he experiences the same problem and the completion of an article or business proposal is the mental equivalent of a couple of rounds in the ring.

Coffee and music (loud music) are the missing ingredient in my creative process. Suffering from a severe case of adult ADD and a side order of depression and dysphoria I brewed up a fresh pot of joe and dug out my favourite classic soundtrack CD I had made a few years ago. It features a selection of tracks from the 13th Warrior, Pirates of the Caribbean, Last of the Mohicans and Star Wars…oh and a little Mozart thrown in for good measure.

Southern Ontario has enjoyed some above freezing but rainy weather the last few days firmly implanting thought of spring in the heads of car guys and gals. I even managed to snatch an hour or two yesterday to work on the Electra and test fit the replacement fiberglass filler panel between they rear bumper and quarter panel. The fiberglass repops are cheap but need considerable finessing to make fit. So much adjusting to do before the piece looks right.

Last night the rain turned into freezing rain then snow, I spent two hours Sunday morning scrapping, shovelling and moving cars so that the driveway would have that pristine blacktop look that "J" likes so much.

Now I hope that discussing other things unrelated to being Trans does not brand me as not sufficiently transsexual. I blog because it helps me with my depression and GID and I write about what I know and what I enjoy. Sometimes it is the trials and tribulations of being transsexual sometimes it is cars and music. I enjoy other blogs that talk about their day to day lives, it humanizes us.

I have been following Lucy's journey with great interest and am delighted to hear that she is doing well and in good spirits but I can't help feeling oh so jealous. It is a complex mixture of jealousy, fear and self doubt. My own road seems so long will I ever make it?

Hugs,

April