The Road Ahead and the Road Back

I finally saw the doctor yesterday to do something about my depression. A super busy day filming and I just made it to my appointment and slumped into the waiting room chair dressed as him and not caring.

"J" and other members of my family had been pointing out the obvious signs. Finally I began to perceive that it was having a negative impact on my ability to function and not least on those around me.

I had been very scared to ask for help as I saw it as a personal failing and that sometimes anti-depressants make suicidal thoughts worse. With full time fast approaching I was also afraid any little set backs would be fatal.

It has been a while since I have taken joy in anything, I have put off going out as April even though I know it is helpful, I just couldn't make the effort. Day to day responsibilities were all I could manage. Even more telling, I bought a new car (well new to me) and I could hardly summon a smile.

picture is of my 76 Mark IV in the rain at Ford HQ

I am going to try and blog daily until the big day.

Hugs,

April

Best of British

Saturday I was rather out of sorts and retreated to messing about with old cars to seek some peace from my inner demons.

I swapped the 20 inch rims on the 1976 Lincoln Mark IV for a set of nice 235 75 R15 tires and vintage seventies "Star Wire" wheels picked up on line for a great price. The Lincoln really looks like an old school low rider now. I also fabricated a new rear muffler exhaust hanger that had rusted. Next job, cure the right han

d side exhaust manifold leak, might be considerably more difficult.

Poor Lincoln had a baptism of fire or rather rain as she had her first trip on the highway in over a year and ferried me around our film shoot today. We shot a new Shelby Mustang for a segment on the

TV show I help produce.Downside is that the darn vacuum headlight switch broke again! Luckily I picked up a spare on bay last year. Just a matter to taking the dash apart again!!! Oh well the excuse I need to install the new stereo.

Remember that "bustle back" Cadillac Seville, I bought it. Delivery is promised tomorrow. The price was just too good and I had sold the 75 Eldorado. I was not planning to buy another car but it should makea good fuel efficient driver and looks very stylish too. If it proves reliable the Toronado will go to make more room.

I think I read somewhere that Elvis liked to give away Sevilles to his female friends, considering it a "ladies model". Of course he passed away before he got a chance to buy one of the neo-Hopper bodied 80-85 models.

The Electra is due for some minor repairs too. All this car stuff happening at a most inopportune time (wanted all these car issues out of the way before going 24/7) but as I have been told "sh*t happens."

Sunday I finally made it to the big local British Car Day, having missed the last few years. Though I no longer own a car from the motherland it was still fun strolling through the sea of Jaguars, MGs and Triumphs to find the rarer gems of British motordom, Jensen, Bristol, Lanchester, Marcos, Bond, TVR etc….

I even got to enjoy some imported smokey bacon flavoured crisps but turned down the opportunity to buy a die-cast model of an Austin Marina.

I wonder if the A stands for April....ten days and counting....ZMOG

Now something completely different. A modern remix of Elvis' Blue Moon of Kentucky. In my more doctrinaire Rockabilly days I would have screamed heresy but I kinda like this.

Hugs,

April

I've Been Up, I've Been Down

But mostly down….I apologize have been awol , I have not had the heart to post anything for a while. I have at least a half dozen aborted blog posts on my phone or in my handy dandy note book.

Where have I been , in Toronto at two different voice clinics getting cameras shoved up my nose and down my throat. The first I went too as April, still not happy with my hair but hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses I braved the big city and the crowds at the TIFF film festival never garnering any untoward glances as far as I could tell.

Next trip was as him as I had a two meetings to attend after but were then cancelled.

Job is still unstable and I have had to face the probability that it will not be there much longer if the company cannot afford to keep me. Great timing right?

All my fears were coming to pass, just transitioned and fresh out of work and frakkin unemployable. I felt sick with fear. I fell into serious depression and thoughts of suicide capered obscenely inside my head.

The ever present loss of employment (lived with for ten years) caused a major mental crisis. I have like many (men especially) derived 99.9% of my identity and self worth by what I do. I am the VP of Marketing. I hate to fail at anything, I caught myself saying that I would rather die than fail...

Changing genders/sex is one thing, but loosing what I thought made me, me was like having my very identity stripped from me and incredibly painful. Once again I have to give credit to "J" who has managed to keep her head on while others loose theirs.

I think I have passed through they eye of the hurricane for now and have managed to start to distance myself/ego/id from what I do to earn a living. I will also be asking my doctor for help, I have resisted for so long despite the pleas of family and friends. I should be thankful that it is hard to own a hand gun in Canada.

Today is cool but sunny and a little of my old confidence has returned, still a long way to go but time to take that first step.

April

Rock out with The Chesterfield Kings:

Witchcraft

As the King says, My head is spinning around and around, indeed I had to drop off the Electra yesterday and pick up a new Lincoln MKX "crossover". The guy in charge of press vehicles said "A" you looked totally stressed what's wrong.... ha ha what us wrong indeed!!!! Got an hour or two? Soon all will be revealed.

Busy day started at a major hospital in down Toronto with a morning appointment with a ENT (ear, nose, throat) specialist in order to obtain a referral to their voice clinic. Due to Toronto's world class traffic jams I left hours ahead of my appointment in order to ensure I was not delayed. As I also had work to do in the city I stayed in male mode.

I had been attempting to get this appointment since May. Apparently I had fallen through a crack in the space time continuum. Luckily, a compassionate staffer took pity on me and helped shepherd my application through the bureaucracy.

I will be going back for my first appointment with the voice clinic on Monday… as April! Big city, huge facility , lots of people! Wish me luck, Note to self, get used to it this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

If you permit me dear constant reader a little aside on Elvis, Witchcraft, from which I quote is just part of the great sixties output of the King. The B side of Bossa Nova Baby released in 1963. Sure it does not hold a candle to the amazing Rockabilly of the Sun Sessions, essentially the atomic blast creation of rock n' roll

OK before I get off track totally Elvis put out some amazing music throughout the sixties, buried on b sides or movie sound track albums are nuggets of pure gold. Even now after first discovering the king years after his passing I am still stumbling on cool tunes I have not heard before.

The end of September approaches like a freight train, still so much to do, there are so many 'guy" things I want to finish, car repairs (make 76 Lincoln Mark IV winter ready), clear out of the shed and garage etc etc. Really should I worry it would not be feminine to do these things as April.

I am beginning to loose control of the coming out process, my mother set out to inform a relative about me. It turns out they knew for some time?!? Apparently a clue I had intentionally dropped months ago was more than successfully picked up upon.

Running Free

I seem to be crying all the time, everything sets me off, a sad song or story in the newspaper. I know the hormones make one more emotional but really!

I am so stressed by the thought of going full time, I am so scared That I will be a fool a freak. Work my family cars etc it all seems too much sometimes.

Work and Depression:

Worries about work especially have me depressed, I do not want to have just gone full time and a few weeks later not have a job. I am trying so hard but progress is slow. A deal I had been working on did not go the way I wanted it to and I was literally on the floor in a fetal position.

Thank God "J" was able to talk be out of it, after work she suggested we all go the movies and out to dinner, it made a world of difference. She has shown incredible patience.

"J"'s car, the family truckster, we depend upon so much to shepherd the children around suffered a minor setback, worried it was fatal I lapsed back into depression.

I got out yesterday evening with friends, Genni and Natasha. The opportunity to be me made a huge difference. I think I even smiled.

Long Time Gone:

I should be so happy (and part of me is, part of me wants to sing) but part is in mourning for the loss of titles; husband, father, son, brother…the old me on my death bed. It is if I am attending my own funeral.

No black marble pyramid, eternal flame or Cadillacs sixteen coaches long….sorry an in joke.

These are NOT doubts, I know in my heart and mind what I want to do, what I must do. Today I am feeling OK but on Friday I had tears in my eyes. I am sure there will be more up and downs as the clock counts down. I should not complain, it is not cancer, it is not a death sentence, it is only going full time, not even surgery.

Still I am so scared...

Here is the Dave Alvin song I heard that drove me to tears, you have been warned:

Hugs,

April

PS. Photo taken at 1:00 PM, rushed out to see a friend for coffee mid week, 15 min to get ready

My reputation proceeds me….

No not what you think.

I had a knock on my door Friday, a strange man with a cane stood there and asked if I was he. (Sounds like the beginning to a mystery novel)

Being in male mode I admitted who I was. He had been told by the friend of a friend who is a mechanic that I am into old cars, especially Cadillacs. He had a nice 85 Seville for sale cheap and wanted to know if I was interested .

The 85 Seville is the last of the bustle back generation, a love it or hate it design. I love it of course ("J" called it a chick car as it has four doors) but saddled with the unreliable 4.1 litre V8.

ZMOG! Talk about chagrined, really I am trying to get rid of 50% of my fleet not acquire more, but I am so tempted to just have a look. I wonder if there is a 12 step program?

Work, family and an upcoming laser session (holding off shaving) till Tuesday means that I will have not gone out for at least three weeks! The dysphoria is building up to unbearable levels, however I have managed to keep in what passes for a pleasant mood for me and have not slipped into dark depression. Mostly as I have September to plan and look forward to.

Last night I met up with Genni and Natasha, at first I just stayed in my car in the parking lot as I did not want to join them looking like a guy. Eventually I went in but it took a while for my mood to lift. I am glad I went as we had a good chat and I felt better for having connected with friends who can see the real me.

Hugs,

April

Woodward Ave and Other Stuff

An eventful Motown trip, delays at the border (getting sent to secondary), huge storm that almost shut down the Dream Cruise) broken camera equipment etc etc

Customs officer says after looking at my passport, you gave me the wrong one. No that is me or was me I answer. My boss in soto voice says wait till you see her next month.

Still a blast, filmed a beautiful Lincoln Mark III for a feature segment, hope I am not tempting the fates by saying it should look great on the small screen.

Not as much time at the cruise as I would have liked as we ran long shooting the Lincoln. We still got some good footage for a short TV segment.

My favourite car was a fifties rat rod Buick hearse and a 77 Eldorado that had chopped rear springs, something about the speed boat rake just made that car look so bad, you know good. Ran after that one but could not catch up to take a good photo before she was swallowed up by traffic.

Even more car stuff, out at the race track yesterday! Only my second time behind the wheel, this time in the Corvette. Up at the crack of dawn to retrieve my 75 Eldorado which may well go as part of the great car purge of 2011.

Transition Stuff:

As to all that transition stuff, oh where to begin. The long time together in the car allowed my boss and I discuss my transition and how and when April makes her first official work appearance. There is a big racing event coming up in October, where I will meet with our US employees, meet with the president of our biggest client and attend a formal dinner!

All very exciting and quite terrifying as it will be only be two or three weeks after going full time.

"J" had told two more important people in our life. One couple we have not know since university reacted with tears. I can understand their reaction as they were mourning the loss of us as a couple and perhaps me as male. Such sadness is in some ways even harder to deal with than rejection or bigotry.

I am trying hard to focus on the positives of becoming who I really am but the sadness I cause in others who find themselves unwitting passengers on this road tempers that joy.

Hugs,

April

Enjoy Bo Diddley and the Duchess as they perform Let Me Pass, it's about cars not well you know...