Envy

There is a reason envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It is an unfortunate character trait I have seen in myself before.

Envy (Latin, invidia) in Dante's Purgatory is punished by having ones eyes sewn shut with wire because you have gained sinful pleasure from seeing others brought low. I prefer St. Thomas Aquinas’ description of envy as "sorrow for another's good".

I know from where this weed grows, it is the frustration over the pace of my own transition. It is what keeps from venturing back to various forums as I tend to judge my own progress against others. When I find progress lacking I lapse into depression. When you want to go full time, when you feel yourself ready any delay becomes unbearable.

I have a good friend who is poised to enter the fast track of transition. She is less encumbered by ties to her male life than I. For her it is not a matter of overcoming a series of obstacles but of when.

Irrationally I feel that I should be first, that she is usurping my role. The situation fills me with envy and yes anger. I feel terrible for thinking this way, which just makes it worse.

I am trying to turn my envy into a positive energy, to strengthen my resolve and to take action to make my own transition happen as soon as possible. And of course to wish my friend well and give her all the support I can.

Hugs,

April

Diana Dors' Cars

Diana Dors was Britain’s answer to Marilyn Monroe. Besides being a blonde bombshell she seems to have had great taste in cars. In 1954 the rising star bought a used car but oh what a car it was, a 1949 Delahaye bodied by Saoutchik in the prewar art deco style of French coachbuilders. The voluptuous baby blue Delahaye had a nautical theme inspired the narwhal whale, the unicorn of the seas.

Diana and her husband did not keep the Delahaye long trading it in on a new Cadillac convertible. I also found a photo of her standing beside a British registered 59 Cadillac….the perfect car for any movie star. I swear that is a Riley behind the police officers right shoulder.

The restored Delahaye recently sold for $3 million.

The great "Another Nickel in the Machine" blog about historic London has an interesting story on Ms. Dors:

http://www.nickelinthemachine.com/2009/06/caxton-hall-in-westminster-and-the-marriage-of-diana-dors-to-dennis-hamilton/

Hugs,

April

Lest We Forget

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

I particulary like in Flanders Field written by Canadian Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae during the First World War. Some may see the last line as jingostic but WE must remember that all the freedoms we enjoy and those that are only now being recognized flow from their sacrifice on the alter of democracy.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing,

flyScarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead.

Short days ago We lived,

felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie,

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

April

The image is of the Vietnam Women's Memorial in Washington

McDuesenbergs, Teenage Head and Rogue Orthodontists

If that is not a cryptic blog title I don’t know what is.
Had the morning off as a partial vacation day in order to watch my youngest daughter while my wife had important meetings to co-ordinate.

Worked on an article due Friday wearing casual April wear, just jeans, bra, cami and sweater, then a pleasant drive to work in the noon sun with the windows down, heater on as it is November in the new world and of course the music playing.

Had the local university radio station on and caught a radio show that matched by own peculiar taste in music (rockabilly/surf/punk). They played a track by Teenage Head one of the original Canadian punk bands. Named after the 1971 Flamin’ Groovies album. A local band I am sad to say I never had the opportunity to see in their prime. The lead singer Frankie Venom, what a great name, passed away recently. Below is a rare TV appearance of them performing Lets Shake from the Frantic City album.

The Lincoln drove well and the roads were quiet so I had a smooth run up to work with the cruise control set on 65 mph. Too bad gas was 1.08 per liter, I am sure that sounds cheap to you girls in the UK but just remember I am driving a 460 cubic inch V8 owww.

McDuesenberg was a pejorative name thrown at the baroque Lincoln Continentals. Just like McMansion for the oversized suburban palaces that are replacing all the post war ranches. Actually I like the name. The designer of the Mark IV Wes Dahlberg interviewed I the eighties said that they really were trying to build a modern day Duesenberg like classic.

"The grille was sort of like the Rolls-Royce, but we did not copy it directly. We were trying for the look of many of the great classics if they were to be built in 1972 -- not necessarily the Duesenberg, but all of them. We wanted a clean look and simplicity.

I love neo-classic styling on early seventies cars, Lincoln Continentals, Cadillac Eldorado, the Stutz Blackhawk etc.

A dance to go to on Saturday night oh what to wear when girlfriends tell me about all the great outfits they have lined up….I feel like Cinderella with no fairy godmother.

Just found out my orthodontist is retiring suddenly, darn I liked him plus I still had a procedure to go. He was really odd is an Eastern European mad scientist kind of way, pleasant enough and not too expensive. I will miss him, I wonder what happened. I imagine some terrible scandal.

Hugs,

April

"Meet the new boss/Same as the old boss".

I met with an old boss the other evening to discuss maybe coming to work for him. I am interested in the opportunity but being a young company there are some risks. There are definite benefits too. A big plus is that I could work from home, allowing more time for children, less after school day care dollars and almost as important more time spent as April in preparation for going full time.

The offer is not set in stone but if it materializes I would be inclined to accept because I CANNOT transition in my current job. The old boss has always struck me as a live and let live kinda guy and at least the possibility of acceptance is there.

If we get to a firm offer I was seriously considering telling him about me first. Initially this struck me as a good idea, fast track to full time etc… After speaking with my wife and a little more reflection it may well be better to wait. An admission that I am Trans and will transition on the job may well put the kibosh on the deal.

Instead, if I come on board I will work like a demon to make the company a success and after six months or a year assuming I have not made a mess of things tell him that I am transitioning.

The period up to then can be put to good use living part time as April, working on my voice and getting everything ready for going full time. I am still impatient though! I wish I could start a new job as April tomorrow.

Super long day yesterday, after the meeting I drove him home then headed home switched vehicles and did the grocery shopping at midnight. Thank goodness for 24 hour supermarkets. I staggered around like a zombie checking items off my shopping list. Drove home, unloaded then into bed by 2:00 AM up four hours later to start all over again. Yawwwnnnn.

Hugs,

April

Baby Ride Easy

I know I say this all the time but what a busy weekend. All the usual stuff with addition of putting one of the fleet into dry dock. End of day yesterday my wife and I drove into the deepest depths of rural Ontario to place the 1972 Lincoln Continental Mark IV into winter storage.

Sure there is still room in the driveway (it will hold four of Detroit’s most insolent chariots) but moving them all each time you need to shovel the driveway is a real bother. Last year was quite mild and I could count on one hand the days I had to shovel. This year I don’t think we can count on being so blessed by Mother Nature.

The 72 Mark IV is a summer only car so she gets to spend the winter hibernating like the Corvette which is at my mom’s garage (thanks mom!). The Mark had only recently received a new rebuilt carburetor but ran well on the hour plus journey to the middle of nowhere.

It was quite a journey and rather uncertain without the benefit of a GPS device. At one point we turned down a little a dirt road which was shrouded by a canopy of leafless trees. The sun was a great orange ball just dipping below the horizon. We both had the same thought that the scene looked like something out of a fairy tale. At any moment one was expecting a dragon to emerge from the darkening woods.

The 72 is now tucked away in an insolated barn for the winter, I hope she has pleasant dreams until we collect her in the spring.

The busy weekend meant no time out as April resulting in only sporadic bitchiness on my part. I did make up for it partially, by getting myself cleaned up and curling up on the coach in a nightgown and robe to watch the second episode of the Walking Dead. I love zombie movies but do admit to finding this series almost too intense to watch.

http://www.amctv.com/originals/The-Walking-Dead/

My natural hair is getting a bit long and I am not sure about getting it cut as I am loath to go back to my old male hairstyle. Starting to look a little like Dave Edmunds in the seventies! Now that is a good segue, here is Dave and his fine mane of hair with the beautiful Carlene Carter dueting on Baby Ride Easy. It seems they are on the set of a British kids show:

In Dreams

Normally I don’t put much store in dreams and besides I am usually too exhausted to dream much at all. The other night I had a remarkably real (hyper realistic?) dream where I was in a job interview. I know other people’s dreams can be boring so I will try and keep it brief.

I sat across from the female interviewer separated by a desk in a modern open plan office environment. I was not dressed as April but as “him” in a conservative suit and tie. The interview was going very well and I remember thinking that this seemed like a great place to work. It was only then that I gazed down at my feet, no shoes! And OMG lavender painted toe nails. I looked up and the interviewer was looking down at my feet as well. I felt myself simultaneously pale and go red with embarrassment.

We looked up at the same time and as our eyes met she gave me a conspiratorial wink then said, “The boss is a bit old fashioned but you shouldn’t have any problem as April”.
It seemed I got the job. On waking I was rather disappointed it was all a dream.

Obviously wish fulfillment, as the one thing standing in my way is a job I can transition at. The universe and I better conspire to make this dream a reality.

Hugs,

April