The work days between Christmas and New Year are quiet in the office. Nevertheless I usually set myself up with too many things on my morning to do list.
One thing I have been trying to do today is overcome my fear. The nature of my job has meant that I have had to become comfortable speaking in public and asking other companies for huge amounts of money. I am more reticent selling myself but as a new job is a priority I have to bite the bullet and make those follow up calls.
Other fears I am trying to face down, time for a return trip to the salon, hopefully it will go a little better than the last time. Number two get ears pierced, I am determined to do this even though it makes little sense...what will people say? I think I need some concrete evidence I am moving forward. A little push to get the car back on the right road….
Slept through another alarm, this cold or flu, whatever it is, is making me very groggy come morning. Nothing java can’t cure.
“J” reminded me that I should have added the word expensive in front of “nice gold necklace”. I thought that would have been a given.
Back at work this Tuesday, the office is quiet and the commute hassle free as most people (retail) excepted seem to be off on holiday still.
I had a nice quiet Christmas spent close to home, the children were soundly spoiled between us and grand parents. Wife “J” bought me a very nice gold necklace and a jewelry box.
Far too cold for any car work, checked tire pressures and fixed a burned out tail light bulb, which was all the cold my fingers could take.
Any holiday depression was confined to Sunday. I had spent all Christmas day as April so a return to male mode on the Monday put me in the doldrums. It is such a psychological high to be oneself that any return to the false armor of maleness becomes an unbearable low.
Still 2011 beckons with the promise of hope and change (hmmm might make a good campaign slogan). Before 2010 is consigned to the dustbin of history all of us who enjoy the hard won gifts of democracy should be thankful for the accident of our birth. No, not that we were born the wrong gender but that we have the freedom to do something about it.
Chinese poem: “Waiting for you to come” I waited for you the other day, But you did not come. Knowing that you would not come, I only hoped that you would come. Until now, you still haven’t come, Yet I am still hoping that you could come. Eventually, you will come, And I will always wait for you to come. (1989.12)
Christmas eve, I hope everyone has someone to share the season with.
The roads and stores were crazy here yesterday so apart from early morning grocery shopping we stayed close to home. It is so nice to have even a few days away from the work to spend with the family.
I was actually looking forward to going to church this evening but the oldest child is sick so I am staying home while "J" takes the younger ones.
Why car photos, well I washed the accumulated road salt and grime from the Chrysler Town & Country Limited (my wife says I am pompous when I call it that). See it is possible to wash a car at home is sub zero weather!
Also started and ran the Lincoln Mark IV after letting the block heater warm the oil for an hour or two. I like the picture looks like the car is so big you can see the curvature of the earth.
Took the Toronado (not washed yet) out to buy ginger ale for the oldest's upset stomach and had a nice chat with a man from Ohio about Oldsmobiles and vintage cars in general. Said he hadn't seen a 78 XS in decades.
Still some gifts to wrap and A Christmas Carol (Alastair Sims version) or It's A Wonderful Life to watch. I cry at the end of both of them even without hormones.
Here is Elvis singing Here Comes Santa Claus, check out the cool photos Elvis and Priscilla in a snowy Memphis.
I want a Chuck Berry Record and a picture of Elvis too….. well that is a given isn’t it.
Can’t believe I had not heard this one before, George Thorogood delivers a great holiday stormer that will have you dancing around the room. Has a great Dave Edmunds sound. Set the way back machine to 1981 to MTV’s first year Christmas party.
Extra special added bonus, pink 59 Cadillac at the beginning of the video (Santa’s sleigh ?) and just who is that playing old Saint Nick, is it Johnny Lee Hooker or Bo Diddley?!?
Feel free to comment on the fashions and the shortness of the dresses Santa’s helpers are wearing.
I still have some shopping to do, yikes!
Really messed up yesterday, I thought my wife had the day off so I quietly got up made coffee, took out the trash and was on my way as quiet as a mouse. I get a phone message later that day, she had to work that day and had to drive the children to my mothers….whoops.
Luckily by then she could see the humorous side since she still managed to drop off the kids and get to work close to on time. She had told me the night before but I was so tired from coughing all night with this cold going around that I was a total zombie. Don’t know how I made it to work, I think the car just remembers the way there.
Another resume out yesterday and another queued up, perhaps North Central Positronics is hiring…
Dear constant readers, hope your Christmas preparations are all in order and if not you better get busy. Those of you, who don’t celebrate the season, count yourselves lucky….just kidding…somewhat. I am hopelessly behind even more than usual but I am blaming work.
Sorry didn’t post yesterday as we were filming late into the evening. I was hoping for a bit of a break today but another urgent assignment got to drop everything and do that. Cannot even take any time off as planned since we have an early January deadline to meet.
Thank goodness for my wife as she has picked up the slack and infused the house with Christmas decorations and spirit.
My current job is a roadblock to my transition. The only option is to make the time to find another position. I am working hard to make that happen and have already sent off some resumes but finding the time is difficult. I need to do more to realize my destiny.
I attended two Christmas open houses last week, both were very pleasant affairs, I had a real bad day at work Friday so the first event was somewhat over shadowed by my experience earlier that day.
I am a lot less shy than I used to be but at one point found myself both literally and figuratively sitting alone between the men and the women. I certainly know which side I wish to be on, however in my present state I seem to be neither one nor the other.
The second get together, apart from a brief discussion about the merits of snow tires found me hanging out on the female side of the room. I was more comfortable there but had to feign either shock or ignorance when it came to certain topics.
Hugs,
April
I have no idea if this 1988 song by Joe Strummer has anything to do with being Trans despite the word being in the title. The track from the movie Permanent Record has obscure Dylanesque lyrics and a great beat.
The horror comic cover was borrowed from the Rev. Frost site, if you like the kind of music I tend to post check him out and be sure to download his latest Christmas Mix:
Dr. Spiegel, one of basically four experts in facial feminization surgery was giving a lecture in Toronto. I had a consultation with him in Atlanta at the Southern Comfort Conference in 2009. I came away very impressed and was determined that if I were to have surgery it would be with him.
I welcomed the opportunity to hear him speak again and it would be a chance to push my own envelope and make another trip to the big city as April, oh and in daylight too!
The lecture was scheduled for 11:00 am and my meeting with Dr. Spiegel was at 1:15 pm. The drive into Toronto can be unpredictable as to traffic and weather so I wanted to leave around nine in order to make it downtown and park without being too pressed for time.
The household was in general chaos as the children had dance and swimming classes that morning and my wife would have to take them herself, always a stressful job.
Wanting to look as natural as possible I choose a favorite pair of jeans, black top with lace trim and a black sweater. I did my make up and nails and was ready to go by quarter past nine.
Not having come out to my neighbors yet some stealth was necessary in leaving my little slice of suburbia. A heavy male bomber jacket, runners and dark glasses made me fairly indistinguishable from my workaday male self.
The roads were clear and I made it into Toronto in good time and found convenient underground parking close to 519 Church where the lecture would be held. Once the Toronado was dry docked I was able to switch over to boots, female coat and of course a wig. I have been letting my natural hair grow and had a little trouble of getting the wig to sit right.
I had some difficulty finding the place but made it with enough time to touch up my face. I can’t say I was really happy with my look at first, just couldn’t seem to get the hair right. Perhaps I was just feeling too self conscious.
When I go out I am usually very nervous for the first 45 minutes or so, Saturday was no exception. As I waited for the lecture to begin I began to get more and more agitated, I felt I looked too much like a guy, comparing myself unfavorably with the other attendees, the majority of whom I guessed were full time.
Once the lecture began I relaxed considerably and even laughed at some of Doctor Spiegel’s jokes. It was all very interesting and I learned a lot. While I was waiting for my consultation I started chatting with two other girls.
They were quite complimentary regarding my outfit and appearance, doing wonders for my self confidence. Later we went for coffee, it was quite normal and at the same time sublime. Just three women out on the town and having a chat, a wonderful experience.
I began to feel that all was not black and that I could do this (transition) after all, and do it successfully.
Dr. Spiegel remembered me from Atlanta and we reviewed the procedures he recommended to feminize my face. I wish I could have the surgery tomorrow. No it is not cheap and a beloved car or two will have to be sold. I love my cars but I know what is more important in this situation.
I journeyed home with a lighter heart and was able to spend the rest of the day with my family as myself. Another wonderful experience.
I was exhausted by days end, the stresses of leaving the house and getting into the city had drained me but I went to bed that evening as happy as I have been in a long long time.
Hugs,
April
So how can I work in an Elvis video??? Well he did play one in the movie Change of Habit. No cracks about his knowledge of pharmacology and type casting....
