What Ever Happened To...

I thought it was just Sunday but "J" told me I had been miserable, grumpy, out of sorts, well depressed for a week or two. Swearing, yelling, constantly on edge, not very lady like.

As my self imposed date for going full time approaches I have been consumed by fear and doubt but mostly fear. On a long walk to clear my head Sunday night I tried to wrestle with my demons. Walking walking, questioning who and what I am and is this the only way forward. I thought I had permanently put these thoughts to bed.

Could I not transition? ( Stop me if you heard this before) I could stop I am strong I might survive. If my life depended on it, I could likely do it but I would be miserable and how long I would last I don't know.

As I walked I asked myself a series of questions;

Would I stop taking hormones?

Would I stop taking the anti-androgens?

Would I purge my wardrobe of clothes, shoes, make up anything feminine?

Would I drift away slowly from my new friends, never to talk to them again?

Would what ever happened to April be a question asked less and less frequently? Whatever happened to her, she does not return our calls or e-mails I wonder what happened? Fading away in memory until April herself had died. To let the real authentic part of me die.

...the answer was NO to all of the above.

So a little more confident today, bring trans is just a lot for a middle class, suburban, white "male" conservative to digest.

A big part is fear, fear of going full time, fear of being the but of everyones jokes. Fear of being pointed and laughed at, for someone who put so much stock in the opinions of others it is a hard thing to do despite the claims to march to my own drummer. Underneath we are scared children just wishing to fit in.

It seems a very Japanese emotion, fear of loosing face. The idea of walking out and proclaiming that I am transsexual that I am becoming a woman is just damn scary.

Another thing that threw me off track is that it has been a very busy month for cars. The entire winter went by where I did little more than drive them, freeing me to concentrate on transition. The last month has been full of car stuff, the Corvette suspension upgrade, filming the Corvette for a TV segment, getting the 72 Lincoln Mark IV out of storage and preparing the Jaguar XJS for sale. Deciding which cars to sell going from ten to a more manageable five or so.

The only time I was comfortable being a guy was when I was working on cars all those thoughts in my head would be banished by where did I put that torque wrench, is that a vacuum leak, I need to rebuild this carb. etc etc. Emerging from the garage covered in grease and sweat, that was my male badge of honour, no one could ever question that I was not a real guy through and through.

I like the song lucky guy by The Muffs, my band du jour. I know that I am reading my own meaning into the song but what I hear her singing about is the normal cis gendered guy, the guy who gets up each morning with a light heart, who gets up each morning knowing who he is and where he is going. The rest of us own wish for such certainty. When Kim (formerly of the Pandoras) sings with such passion, I can hear the anger and envy in her voice. Here they are live in Japan, check out the official video as well:

Hugs,

April

Friends

Last night I made a list of friends I need to tell, OMG I have so few of them .

I have been thinking about transition and who I need to tell, "J" and I have already told most family members, children, parents and friends we had as a couple.

Close friends coming next, I have two car friends I see on a semi regular basis that already know, one of whom I would classify as an unhyphenated friend having transcended the realm of just automobiles though that is what we still talk about the most.

The others are few and far between, most of whom I have not talked to for a period ranging from six months to a year. Perhaps I could just fade out of their lives and never have to explain myself. But I think I owe them an explanation or goodbye. So over this month I will contact the three or four remaining car friends and tell them of my transition.

Besides remaining family there is the wider world of neighbours, work clients and customers. My boss has already told my close co-workers with no apparent ill effects.

The world around us of acquaintances but so few friends. Is this indicative of transsexual/ transgendered people that we have trouble making friends as we cannot share all of our selves with someone else, that we are always hiding a parts of our selves, at least that is how I feel.

The few friends that I have managed to acquire over half a lifetime have been equalled, no surpassed by the number of friends I have meet in the trans community or the unofficial group of trans women who gather in our little neck of the woods. Both pre op and post op these are people I might never have met otherwise but a shared struggle has brought us together .

Nevertheless these are people who have become trusted friends that I can tell anything, perhaps it is something that binds us together far more than automobiles ever could.

Five minutes to midnight….the big days looms and I still have so much to do. Work has the potential to become very busy so I will have little time to worry and navel gaze about going full time. Bring it on!

Musical pick of the day is The Muffs with New Love from 1991. A perfect punk pop song that demands you dance around the room. Once again hat tip to my brother for turning me onto another band I was unaware.

Hugs,

April

Tokyo Drift

My brother flies back to his family in Tokyo today. It was great to see him again but saying goodbye was much harder than times before. I felt very emotional this morning as I drove over to my mother's house to say my farewells and to have one last chat before he left for the airport.

Assuming everything goes as planned it would be the last time he will see me in male mode, perhaps it was just the hormones… I will really miss him we are so alike (no not that way LOL) rather we have such similar temperaments, the same taste in music, movies, cars and movies. We can talk endlessly about all these things. I didn't realize how much I missed him until we could talk again.

Yesterday was a family birthday party for my daughter, after the pizza and cake and presents, my brother and I talked into the evening about the good and bad times growing up. It was amazing to learn what each of us remembered, what the other had forgotten, family vacations I had completely forgotten about. His memories of being at home while I was at at school and then university.

The Norman Rockwell, Leave It To Beaver neighbourhood we spent part of our childhood in, the hidden confusion and hatred of my teen years.

I still plan to go full time in September (job willing), I wish he was still here to lend his support in the trying days ahead. I feel that a part of me is missing far across the Pacific.

"J" used the party to tell her sister about me, as suspected it was not a problem. Interestingly she immediately recognized me in the photos "J" showed he. Her comment, "I didn't see that coming" and "he" makes a good looking woman….thanks "K". Her sister hinted that her brother and her mother maybe a more difficult situation.

Hugs,

April

"Now is the time to change over."

I do a lot of writing in my line of work, however much is of the business proposal variety and can be rather dry at times. Sometimes a blog post helps get the creative juices percolating.

I was talking with my boss this morning after an early conference call. Once we had dealt with pressing business we touched upon my upcoming transition in September.

He has been very supportive and has given my peculiar condition some evident thought. To be fair he has only known for a few months and the terms transgender or transsexual had no relevance in his life.

The business requires that I travel to the States on occasion and there are some new people that I have yet to meet. I continue to meet with business partners we have known for years but he thought that we would put off any new meetings until after I go full time. No point confusing them he suggested. I am not against this idea and I think it shows a sincere desire to help.

When I wrote about first telling him in May he read my blog post, his response, was to send me an e-mail telling me that I should let others know that being true to who we are does not have to be the end of the world and that there is support out there.

I believe he is a little surprised and to a greater extent pleased at his own very liberal attitude and well I guess he should be! I would never have told him if I did not think his heart was in the right place.

We have a lot of potential deals on the horizon that could see us become even busier (hopefully) so he was concerned that I would be needing to take an extended period of time off to transition. No, I assured him it is simply a matter of presenting full time as April. No surgery or recovery time involved….for now at least.

So one day (yet to be decided upon) in September I will leave the house as April and never look back? Will it be like September 3, 1967 when the entire nation of Sweden switched from driving on the left to the right?

Everyone in Stockholm seemed to have set his alarm clock to sound off be fore dawn. By 4 a.m., cars, motor scooters and flower-decked taxis that had been hired months before streamed downtown to the Kungsgatan, the city's main street. There they waited through a solemn radio countdown. At the stroke of five, loudspeakers blared: "Now is the time to change over." In a brief but monumental traffic jam, Sweden switched to the right side of the road.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,941144,00.html#ixzz1TEbT3Ybp

How was it for the rest of you here when you went full time? Routine or traumatic? I am trying not to think about it too hard or I tend to get freaked out but the idea that the day is coming is strangely calming.

Photo was taken after friend Natasha's pool party on what must have been the hottest night of the year. Hot n' sweaty but happy...about to lay some rubber!

Music is from my favourite band of all time, The Cramps (saw them live once and lived to tell) I will have to have a separate post about them soon.

Stingray and the Unwelcome Guest

The Corvette is back at April HQ. New rear axle bearings and a coil over conversion front and back. The car rides lower, handles better and looks super cool from the rear with the spare removed to give those in my rear view mirror a view of the fully independent suspension.

I had an annoying squeak from the left front which after some investigation turned out to be a bent dust shield rubbing on the rotor…easy fix. The new lowered stance gives the Corvette a real mean look but would bottom out on they slightest bump in the road.

Took her for a run last night on a work related errand, now a squeak or more like a metallic grinding from the back left wheel. Ok another dust shield problem . Soon as I got home I had her jacked up and the rear wheels off…no sign of any issues…hmmm. Did I mention we have been having a heat wave here, talk about a sweaty, greasy mess.

I can get a little obsessive about cars (really you'd noticed), I was out for a good four or so hours making adjustments, going for test drives, getting more and more frustrated. "J" came out at about 11:30 and kindly offered to make some tea. She said she was almost nostalgic, me out to all hours in the driveway covered in grease and oil, it was just like old times.

I on the other hand was less than pleased to be re-visiting times past. I still like doing some work on the cars here and there but this was the behaviour of the guy I hoped I left behind. Obsessive, neurotic and unable to think rationally about cars, who would stay out till all hours as it drowned out any dysphoria and proved to all and sundry I was a man.

Eventually I had to admit defeat, clean up the mess of tools and come in.

As Scarlet said tomorrow is another day, the next morning I read the shop manual and looked for clues on line. Maybe loose brake pads but the sound was still there when the pedal was applied slightly.

To have a better look at the rear suspension I dropped the spare tire carrier, had to be the exhaust just touching the road as the car travelled on its suspension. The rear coil over conversion which replaces the the transverse leaf spring is adjustable so I was able to raise the rear and after a few attempts correct the problem. Only a minor burn on my stomach from the hot exhaust. Still need to fix the little squeak from the parking break assembly (which is inside the hub) but one thing at a time.

Quick victory lap of the neighbourhood, stopped to show off my new rear end (LOL). They give that look that says humour the crazy person…OMG wait till September.

Hugs,

April

PS. The lead photo is not me (no kidding) but it is a 79 Corvette.

Here is Annette with Draggin' USA, didn't know she did a hot rod song. Check out Monkeys Uncle see the Beach Boys backing her up!

Do I Really Feel I Am A Woman?

In the back of my mind there is a niggling doubt, an inch I don't want to scratch. But as important dates loom on the horizon no mental rock should be left in turned. A long drive to a film shoot north of the city the other day let me ponder the question to my satisfaction.

Do I really feel I am a woman?

No, BUT let me clarify, I know my soul, mind, essence, what have you is predominantly female. It is so female that I cannot live as male anymore.

It has been that way my entire life, but forty plus years of learning how to act male (to pass ha ha) cannot be forgotten or discarded over night.

The mere existence of all of us here is the triumph of nature over nurture.

I expect once I go full time I will feel an outsider that I am to an extent pretending, just as I have always felt trying to fit in as a boy then a man.

But it is a role that I think I will soon feel comfortable in, to quickly grow into.

I look forward to becoming the woman I always knew I should have been.

Then I can answer Yes 100%!

Here is horror movie actress Victoria De Mare, with the Kim Fowley produced World's On Fire, not a great record but a perfect pop song, I could imagine anyone from the Shirelles to the Ramones singing this.

Brought the Jaguar XJS hot rod home (she has a 94 LT1 V8 with a 3.55 rear axle) and is rather loud. I will likely sell her but it would be nice to get her roadworthy and licensed and to terrorize the local 5.0 Mustangs…at least for a little while….a girl can dream. No that is not my car, the lemon yellow XJS is Purdey's car in the New Avengers.

A Texas Funeral

If you have seen Kill Bill part 2 this is the scene where The Bride, (Uma Thurman) is buried alive as a particularly cruel method of execution. Bud, Bill's brother describes it as a Texas funeral.

That movie scene is the name I have given my own feelings of claustrophobia. I don't believe I am more or less claustrophobic than the next person, I have only felt the fear of enclosed spaces on occasion say when jammed under a car and felt I had to get out.

Over the last few weeks I have woken up or had trouble sleeping, my skin crawling down to my finger nails. One night I awoke and felt I actually had to cut my nails.

It is an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia. I feel I am buried alive, drowning that I cannot breath. I feel the onset of mindless panic that I am on the edge of the abyss and that panic and insanity will follow.

Instead of the cool determination of Kill Bills protagonist who uses her kung fu training to escape I feel that I will give in to panic.

The other night I awoke at 4:00AM with these feelings. I walked around the house on my nightgown, but I could not shake the feeling of claustrophobia. Eventually I changed and went for a long walk in the predawn darkness. It helped, tiring myself out I could fall back to sleep.

Even watching TV sometimes I see something that makes me uncomfortable and I have to leave. J and I were watching House Hunters International, the topic was Amsterdam boat houses. During a tour of a particularly cramped example had to leave the room.

It is difficult even to write these words without feeling the encroaching sense of dread. A feeling that I cannot abide my own body and want to tear at myself in frustration.

I think (April puts on her amateur psychiatrist hat) that it is not exactly claustrophobia but a symptom of my own anxiety about work and transitioning…. panic attack?

The other day I endured an hour of electrolysis, OMG I prefer laser, painful but quick. Electrolysis is drawn out torture. I was worried that claustrophobic panic would set in. After half fifteen minutes of sitting still under that hot magnifying light, I was ready up bolt. The technician set up a fan and gave me a break and I made it to the end of the session.

I felt good about making it through the session and generally positive that day and was able too fall asleep without feeling I was being sealed up in a coffin.

I am still a little fearful of going to bed as the last couple of attacks were so awful.Trying to employ positive thinking to help me relax and fall asleep. Also returned to exercising later in the evening to ensure I fall asleep.

Jeez how screwed up can one person be?