The Other Shoe...Bomb

From reading of others experiences it seems to be a common occurrence. Friends or family members initially express support but as the "shock" sets in they find their true voice and condemn your actions.

I have been heartened by the great support I have had leading up to going full time, however yesterday I leaned that my brother in law and his family as well as "J's" mother do not want to see me. I am not welcome at Thanksgiving or the internment service for "J's" father, who I admired and loved.

I was particularly upset to learn that "J's" brother was angry and compared me to a cheating spouse who would not be welcome in their home…ever. That if I really had to do this I should wait another decade until all the children were in university.

I had initially thought that they were accepting or at least neutral on the subject. I can understand how my transition is a shock and that it may take some time for those close to me to understand.

It seems at least in my brother in laws case I have already been expelled from the family and like some out of favour Soviet general airbrushed from all official photographs.

"J's" family was my family, since I had few close relatives in Canada and it hurts to be excluded. I am still luckier than most in this same situation but it will hurt when the rest of the family gathers including "J" and the children but I cannot attend. I will make some excuse about meetings or filming.

On a more positive note today is my last day presenting as male….holy cow

Hugs,

April

October is the New April

I have to give credit to Genni for the cleaver post title.

Monday and Tuesday were typical work days, the search for financing for our modest enterprise, which feels a lot like banging my head against a wall.

I wish work was going better, I could really do do with some more constants in my life.

New Cadillac is being frustrating, I cannot solve the no start condition, car is getting spark and fuel… perhaps a ECM fault? Pills must be working as usually I would be beside myself obsessing about the problem. Anyone out there familiar with mid eighties Cadillac fuel injection?

I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will have to do all these things as April….speak to mechanics, buy parts at Napa or Canadian Tire.

Another reminder that everything changes on Friday was a conversation with a potential client this morning, let's meet Monday he says? Yikes…I guess it will be April going to that meeting, sure you don't want to do that Thursday?

"J " very kindly arranged for us both to have our hair done at a salon in Niagara Falls on Friday. I am a little worried how it will turn out as hair is so important to ones look and ability to pass.

I wanted to leave getting my hair done, eyebrows thinned and ears pierced until the last minute so that there would be a definite visual change between 'him" and April come the big day.

Somewhat confident, determined and scared.

Overall the feeling is of excitement and impatience. Bittersweet too as the old me disappears, "J" asked if I felt sad at no longer being a husband.

Hugs,

April

Here are the Leopards with Down That Line

Telling Everyone Else and Last Minute Guy Tasks

I said I would blog daily up till the big day but you get a combined post for Saturday and Sunday.

So far I have received three out five replies from the car guy friends I e-mailed late on Friday, all very kind and supportive.

"J" had a similar response when she let a number of the neighbours on our little corner of suburbia know about me. Bear in mind that almost everyone on the street has young children. She also spoke with the last of our close family and that went well too.

Two other incidents to report, "J" and I were standing at the end of the drive and a neighbour from down the street drove by and said hi girls, mistaking me for another woman who lives on the same street.

After "J" told a friend at church about me, she confessed that she thought I might have been F to M who had stopped taking testosterone. HA, I will take that as a compliment.

I spent a good part of the weekend rushing to complete some guy related tasks. Not that I cannot do them as April but…. Did I mention when "J" told many of the neighbours while I was is serious dirty guy mode feet sticking out of the Mark IV's trunk.

I replaced the vacuum headlight switch on the Lincoln and removed the door panels to install new speakers (not an easy job, requiring a little creative fabrication) and test fit the new "vintage eighties" stereo.

New plugs and wires for the Seville, but now she won't start, sigh. Original owner told me she would do that when damp. However she has started fine in the rain for me. Cannot find anything I disconnected and no trouble codes except 52, which is ECM reset indicator, from disconnecting the battery.

I also cleared out the area behind the garden shed, six doors, two front fenders and two trunk lids, all from 1959 Cadillacs. I have been holding onto these parts since I was 16, they came as a package (along with a ton of other spares) with my 59 series 62 convertible. I sold off a few body panels last summer and these were the last and rustiest.

In preparation for calling the scrap man I removed the last usable chrome and stainless trim from the panels, surprisingly everything came off rather easily, even the beautifully delicate Fleetwood letters. To think the last time most of these parts had been touched was by a Cadillac auto worker 53 years ago at the Clark Avenue plant in Detroit.

It is as if they sensed this was there last chance to live on and the rusted bolts and fasteners gave up without a fight.

Photo is of a 59 Caddy, the Cyclone show car though.

Some mellow 1959 Doo wop for Sunday night:

Hugs,

April

Just a Few More Bridges to Burn

I walked my children and their friends to school today, felt rather like a mother duck in the rainy weather we have been having.

The Seville' s prior owner warned me about the cars tendency to not want to start in the damp. So far she has fired up every time for me. I wanted to demonstrate the wonderful "Symphony Sound" to "J" when I attempted to show her nothing but static. Doh!

Blast one day and the radio quits. Consulted shop manual, pulled fuses, nothing amiss. Sun came out and radio worked great. Hmmm I wonder if it was rain pooling inside the power antenna shaft causing poor reception?

Speaking of cars it is high time I contacted the rest of my car friends to tell them about me. As Him I never had many close friends, any friendship was only based on a shared passion for automobiles, luxury automobiles to be precise. I felt I could never be myself around them.

I have not seen most of these guys in over a year. I have been working on a letter but have been too busy (delaying perhaps) to finish. This evening I will finish it and send it. I hope I will remain friends with all of them as that shared passion did produce a true friendship despite my secret.

Brother in law and rest of neighbours remain to be told.

Hugs,

April

That's Don Draper behind the wheel of his new 62 Coupe deVille and today tune is Cadillac Man by The Jesters. Recorded in 1965 and released on the legendary Sun Record label they are already singing the praises of the 59 Cadillac...

I want a Cadillac mister dealer
Like they build in fifty-nine
I want a Cadillac mister dealer
So I can roll on down the line
And when I hit that old broadway
Man, I really wanna fly

I used to blast this tune daily at university, still a favourite. The unreleased cut on the early Ace Rockabilly compilations has a slightly faster less bluesy version, which I prefer and is worth seeking out.

The Road Ahead and the Road Back

I finally saw the doctor yesterday to do something about my depression. A super busy day filming and I just made it to my appointment and slumped into the waiting room chair dressed as him and not caring.

"J" and other members of my family had been pointing out the obvious signs. Finally I began to perceive that it was having a negative impact on my ability to function and not least on those around me.

I had been very scared to ask for help as I saw it as a personal failing and that sometimes anti-depressants make suicidal thoughts worse. With full time fast approaching I was also afraid any little set backs would be fatal.

It has been a while since I have taken joy in anything, I have put off going out as April even though I know it is helpful, I just couldn't make the effort. Day to day responsibilities were all I could manage. Even more telling, I bought a new car (well new to me) and I could hardly summon a smile.

picture is of my 76 Mark IV in the rain at Ford HQ

I am going to try and blog daily until the big day.

Hugs,

April

Best of British

Saturday I was rather out of sorts and retreated to messing about with old cars to seek some peace from my inner demons.

I swapped the 20 inch rims on the 1976 Lincoln Mark IV for a set of nice 235 75 R15 tires and vintage seventies "Star Wire" wheels picked up on line for a great price. The Lincoln really looks like an old school low rider now. I also fabricated a new rear muffler exhaust hanger that had rusted. Next job, cure the right han

d side exhaust manifold leak, might be considerably more difficult.

Poor Lincoln had a baptism of fire or rather rain as she had her first trip on the highway in over a year and ferried me around our film shoot today. We shot a new Shelby Mustang for a segment on the

TV show I help produce.Downside is that the darn vacuum headlight switch broke again! Luckily I picked up a spare on bay last year. Just a matter to taking the dash apart again!!! Oh well the excuse I need to install the new stereo.

Remember that "bustle back" Cadillac Seville, I bought it. Delivery is promised tomorrow. The price was just too good and I had sold the 75 Eldorado. I was not planning to buy another car but it should makea good fuel efficient driver and looks very stylish too. If it proves reliable the Toronado will go to make more room.

I think I read somewhere that Elvis liked to give away Sevilles to his female friends, considering it a "ladies model". Of course he passed away before he got a chance to buy one of the neo-Hopper bodied 80-85 models.

The Electra is due for some minor repairs too. All this car stuff happening at a most inopportune time (wanted all these car issues out of the way before going 24/7) but as I have been told "sh*t happens."

Sunday I finally made it to the big local British Car Day, having missed the last few years. Though I no longer own a car from the motherland it was still fun strolling through the sea of Jaguars, MGs and Triumphs to find the rarer gems of British motordom, Jensen, Bristol, Lanchester, Marcos, Bond, TVR etc….

I even got to enjoy some imported smokey bacon flavoured crisps but turned down the opportunity to buy a die-cast model of an Austin Marina.

I wonder if the A stands for April....ten days and counting....ZMOG

Now something completely different. A modern remix of Elvis' Blue Moon of Kentucky. In my more doctrinaire Rockabilly days I would have screamed heresy but I kinda like this.

Hugs,

April

I've Been Up, I've Been Down

But mostly down….I apologize have been awol , I have not had the heart to post anything for a while. I have at least a half dozen aborted blog posts on my phone or in my handy dandy note book.

Where have I been , in Toronto at two different voice clinics getting cameras shoved up my nose and down my throat. The first I went too as April, still not happy with my hair but hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses I braved the big city and the crowds at the TIFF film festival never garnering any untoward glances as far as I could tell.

Next trip was as him as I had a two meetings to attend after but were then cancelled.

Job is still unstable and I have had to face the probability that it will not be there much longer if the company cannot afford to keep me. Great timing right?

All my fears were coming to pass, just transitioned and fresh out of work and frakkin unemployable. I felt sick with fear. I fell into serious depression and thoughts of suicide capered obscenely inside my head.

The ever present loss of employment (lived with for ten years) caused a major mental crisis. I have like many (men especially) derived 99.9% of my identity and self worth by what I do. I am the VP of Marketing. I hate to fail at anything, I caught myself saying that I would rather die than fail...

Changing genders/sex is one thing, but loosing what I thought made me, me was like having my very identity stripped from me and incredibly painful. Once again I have to give credit to "J" who has managed to keep her head on while others loose theirs.

I think I have passed through they eye of the hurricane for now and have managed to start to distance myself/ego/id from what I do to earn a living. I will also be asking my doctor for help, I have resisted for so long despite the pleas of family and friends. I should be thankful that it is hard to own a hand gun in Canada.

Today is cool but sunny and a little of my old confidence has returned, still a long way to go but time to take that first step.

April

Rock out with The Chesterfield Kings: