Up an hour earlier than I would in former guy mode to do my hair, makeup, appropriate outfit, make lunches for the children and to generally prepare for a 10:00 AM meeting.
I had been dealing with the potential client over the phone as "him" during the last few weeks so I felt it only fair to inform them that I would be presenting as female. I mentioned in my e-mail that if they were uncomfortable the meeting could be conducted over the phone or I could arrange someone else from our company to meet with them.
Twenty minutes before the meeting I received a call that the boss of my contact there was not comfortable meeting me. I felt rather crushed but kept a professional tone and set up a meeting between them and my boss. I am upset, one for being rejected out of hand and secondly that my status may jeopardize the deal or at least take it out of my hands. I was looking forward to reporting back some success today.
On the other hand I did receive a very nice call from a friend and colleague today.
I am well into day three of my RLE, full time, 24/7, presenting as my chosen gender, whatever you wish to call it.
I had Friday off to travel to Niagara Falls with "J" to both get our hair done. I wanted to take some photos of what I wanted but gave up as I could not find what I was looking for on line the night before. "J" drove through a torrential rain storm to get us to the DV8 Salon (great name by the way) on time. I toned things down to leave the house, dark blue jeans, black t shirt, low heels, a gold chain necklace "J" had given me.
I was so nervous I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights, the staff were great making us both feel very welcome. It was such a positive place with an amazing friendly energy, everyone seemed to be having a good time working there, it must be wonderful to come to such a lively place everyday.
It was a unique experience to be in such a feminine environment without feeling the interloper.
I was in the skilled hands of Ron Lee the owner, again I cannot say enough about his skill and the excellent service. I told him what I was looking for but basically offered myself up to his expertise. Instead of a darker colour I ended up blond with cute bangs that work well to completely disguise my unfortunate widows peak. I also had my make up done and listened diligently and asked lots of questions trying to absorb everything she was doing.
I was ecstatic with the cut and it did wonders for my confidence. "J's" hair also blond but a little darker looked amazing, especially since she has such beautiful long full hair. After the salon we went to lunch with Janis, Ron's mom and a friend of "J's" who helped set up the whole day. Janis regaled us with stories of her done everything, eventful life (now she could write a blog!)…thanks for lunch!
We were supposed to be home by six pm to relieve my mother who was watching the children, but due to a massive traffic jam we had to detour around St. Catharines but still made it home not too late.
Day two I had to take my youngest to her gymnastic class and wait with all the other parents. I took the Saturday paper with me so I could bury my nose in the news but no open seemed to pay me any undue attention. The 76 Electra likely attracted more attention.
Later that day I went by the local mall to say hello to a friend who works at the Bay then over to another mall to get my ears pierced….yes I waited this long. Walking around the mall was a little nerve wracking but no one seemed to stare or do a double take even the gaggles of teenage girls. I have gotta get some flats as the two inch heels make too much noise clicking across the polished floors. I am trying to blend in not announce my presence.
Saturday night Genni, Dan and I attended the Carrigan Arms dance, it was eighties night. I had a rather short pink dress that Dan had found for me, lots of fun dancing to the Ramones, Blondie and Billy Idol. Our usual after action coffee at Tim Horton's across the street.
Monday is going to be interesting. Dropping of children at school and a meeting with a new client at 10:00 AM….
From reading of others experiences it seems to be a common occurrence. Friends or family members initially express support but as the "shock" sets in they find their true voice and condemn your actions.
I have been heartened by the great support I have had leading up to going full time, however yesterday I leaned that my brother in law and his family as well as "J's" mother do not want to see me. I am not welcome at Thanksgiving or the internment service for "J's" father, who I admired and loved.
I was particularly upset to learn that "J's" brother was angry and compared me to a cheating spouse who would not be welcome in their home…ever. That if I really had to do this I should wait another decade until all the children were in university.
I had initially thought that they were accepting or at least neutral on the subject. I can understand how my transition is a shock and that it may take some time for those close to me to understand.
It seems at least in my brother in laws case I have already been expelled from the family and like some out of favour Soviet general airbrushed from all official photographs.
"J's" family was my family, since I had few close relatives in Canada and it hurts to be excluded. I am still luckier than most in this same situation but it will hurt when the rest of the family gathers including "J" and the children but I cannot attend. I will make some excuse about meetings or filming.
On a more positive note today is my last day presenting as male….holy cow
I have to give credit to Genni for the cleaver post title.
Monday and Tuesday were typical work days, the search for financing for our modest enterprise, which feels a lot like banging my head against a wall.
I wish work was going better, I could really do do with some more constants in my life.
New Cadillac is being frustrating, I cannot solve the no start condition, car is getting spark and fuel… perhaps a ECM fault? Pills must be working as usually I would be beside myself obsessing about the problem. Anyone out there familiar with mid eighties Cadillac fuel injection?
I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will have to do all these things as April….speak to mechanics, buy parts at Napa or Canadian Tire.
Another reminder that everything changes on Friday was a conversation with a potential client this morning, let's meet Monday he says? Yikes…I guess it will be April going to that meeting, sure you don't want to do that Thursday?
"J " very kindly arranged for us both to have our hair done at a salon in Niagara Falls on Friday. I am a little worried how it will turn out as hair is so important to ones look and ability to pass.
I wanted to leave getting my hair done, eyebrows thinned and ears pierced until the last minute so that there would be a definite visual change between 'him" and April come the big day.
Somewhat confident, determined and scared.
Overall the feeling is of excitement and impatience. Bittersweet too as the old me disappears, "J" asked if I felt sad at no longer being a husband.
I said I would blog daily up till the big day but you get a combined post for Saturday and Sunday.
So far I have received three out five replies from the car guy friends I e-mailed late on Friday, all very kind and supportive.
"J" had a similar response when she let a number of the neighbours on our little corner of suburbia know about me. Bear in mind that almost everyone on the street has young children. She also spoke with the last of our close family and that went well too.
Two other incidents to report, "J" and I were standing at the end of the drive and a neighbour from down the street drove by and said hi girls, mistaking me for another woman who lives on the same street.
After "J" told a friend at church about me, she confessed that she thought I might have been F to M who had stopped taking testosterone. HA, I will take that as a compliment.
I spent a good part of the weekend rushing to complete some guy related tasks. Not that I cannot do them as April but…. Did I mention when "J" told many of the neighbours while I was is serious dirty guy mode feet sticking out of the Mark IV's trunk.
I replaced the vacuum headlight switch on the Lincoln and removed the door panels to install new speakers (not an easy job, requiring a little creative fabrication) and test fit the new "vintage eighties" stereo.
New plugs and wires for the Seville, but now she won't start, sigh. Original owner told me she would do that when damp. However she has started fine in the rain for me. Cannot find anything I disconnected and no trouble codes except 52, which is ECM reset indicator, from disconnecting the battery.
I also cleared out the area behind the garden shed, six doors, two front fenders and two trunk lids, all from 1959 Cadillacs. I have been holding onto these parts since I was 16, they came as a package (along with a ton of other spares) with my 59 series 62 convertible. I sold off a few body panels last summer and these were the last and rustiest.
In preparation for calling the scrap man I removed the last usable chrome and stainless trim from the panels, surprisingly everything came off rather easily, even the beautifully delicate Fleetwood letters. To think the last time most of these parts had been touched was by a Cadillac auto worker 53 years ago at the Clark Avenue plant in Detroit.
It is as if they sensed this was there last chance to live on and the rusted bolts and fasteners gave up without a fight.
Photo is of a 59 Caddy, the Cyclone show car though.
I walked my children and their friends to school today, felt rather like a mother duck in the rainy weather we have been having.
The Seville' s prior owner warned me about the cars tendency to not want to start in the damp. So far she has fired up every time for me. I wanted to demonstrate the wonderful "Symphony Sound" to "J" when I attempted to show her nothing but static. Doh!
Blast one day and the radio quits. Consulted shop manual, pulled fuses, nothing amiss. Sun came out and radio worked great. Hmmm I wonder if it was rain pooling inside the power antenna shaft causing poor reception?
Speaking of cars it is high time I contacted the rest of my car friends to tell them about me. As Him I never had many close friends, any friendship was only based on a shared passion for automobiles, luxury automobiles to be precise. I felt I could never be myself around them.
I have not seen most of these guys in over a year. I have been working on a letter but have been too busy (delaying perhaps) to finish. This evening I will finish it and send it. I hope I will remain friends with all of them as that shared passion did produce a true friendship despite my secret.
Brother in law and rest of neighbours remain to be told.
Hugs,
April
That's Don Draper behind the wheel of his new 62 Coupe deVille and today tune is Cadillac Man by The Jesters. Recorded in 1965 and released on the legendary Sun Record label they are already singing the praises of the 59 Cadillac...
I want a Cadillac mister dealer Like they build in fifty-nine I want a Cadillac mister dealer So I can roll on down the line And when I hit that old broadway Man, I really wanna fly
I used to blast this tune daily at university, still a favourite. The unreleased cut on the early Ace Rockabilly compilations has a slightly faster less bluesy version, which I prefer and is worth seeking out.
I finally saw the doctor yesterday to do something about my depression. A super busy day filming and I just made it to my appointment and slumped into the waiting room chair dressed as him and not caring.
"J" and other members of my family had been pointing out the obvious signs. Finally I began to perceive that it was having a negative impact on my ability to function and not least on those around me.
I had been very scared to ask for help as I saw it as a personal failing and that sometimes anti-depressants make suicidal thoughts worse. With full time fast approaching I was also afraid any little set backs would be fatal.
It has been a while since I have taken joy in anything, I have put off going out as April even though I know it is helpful, I just couldn't make the effort. Day to day responsibilities were all I could manage. Even more telling, I bought a new car (well new to me) and I could hardly summon a smile.
picture is of my 76 Mark IV in the rain at Ford HQ
I am going to try and blog daily until the big day.
