Feeling Like a Guy?

I had a post complete with photo, graphics and a song already to go but I decided not to use just yet. I wrote it feeling very angry with the world but I feel a little better now. I will save it when I am totally pissed off again, you likely won't have to wait that long.

Sorry about the photo I know it is out of focus...I was in a rush.

Winter is almost upon us, in this part of Southern Ontario we have been spared the indignity of any meaningful snow fall. Instead we have had a few blustery days and light overnight dusting that disappear with the coming dawn. Each little appearance of snow is like a blackmailers letter cut up from random words in the newspaper, an ominous threat of trouble to come.

I am behind in preparing my fleet of cars (collector or hoarder…I will leave it for the reality shows to decide) for winter duty and for others storage. The Corvette finally ran for shelter in my mother's garage (thanks mom!!!), the Electra is booked in for rust proofing next week and the storage. The Lincoln has a somewhat quieter exhaust, still needs more work, new alternator and may yet require a tune up in the form of plugs, wires, cap and rotor. Nevertheless she is moving on her own now.

So as you can tell I have been spending more time on the cars than I have in quite a few months, including visiting parts stores, re builders and running into "fellow" enthusiasts. Despite trying hard to avoid it working on vintage cars means getting dirty. I wear girl jeans, t shirt, guys work shirt winter jacket etc. As I explained earlier on in this blog, the time spent on cars was the only period where I was not consumed by thoughts of gender dysphoria. Ironic now that when I have spent some quality time with my Detroit born children I fell too male. I actually asked "J" today if I looked any different..less female… such was my paranoia.

Perhaps it was just the clothes…haha

Took the Lincoln for a quick spin and pulled into a parking lot to check the idle speed, I was approached by a guy who wanted to know all about the car. Turns out he was a big Ford fan. I spoke freely and didn't hide my knowledge of cars, did he read me, didn't seem to be any indication but then again Canadians are known to be awfully polite. Same thing happened two weeks ago with the Buick, that time I was positive I passed but they guy didn't clearly know what to make of a woman so into cars.

Slow on the job front, more resumes to get out.

I informed the car magazine that I write for as a freelancer about my name and gender change. They were very nice and had no problem with a new byline. The last two articles I wrote were published under my old name, next months will be the first as April. If you are in Canada check out your news stand for World of Wheels, I am sure you can guess which are my stories.

Off to do something feminine, like paint my nails metal flake pink, now that would make a cool colour for a 72 Mark IV.

Here is Joey Ramone with a great tune I have been blasting all week, sure to put a smile on your face. And the equally infections Dahlmanns tribute.

Hugs,

April

Better Red

The neighbourhood Christmas party was Friday and I wore a new tight fitting sparkly red sweater with blue jeans. I liked the sweater but perhaps it makes my shoulders look too big. Anyway everyone seemed very nice and I was ensconced with the girls for the evening. A certain point the men left to watch the a hockey game in the den. I had little contact with the guys (likely make them uncomfortable) but I was addressed by my new name and I felt no negative vibes.

I almost didn't go as I had gotten very upset earlier over issues around separation and came close to ruining my make up by crying.

The trip to see old friends east of the city went well too. Once I pulled into their driveway all my nervousness kicked in and I reluctantly followed a minute or two behind the rest of the family family. Conservatively dressed, jeans black t shirt and a leopard print cardigan. I don't think I looked my best as I had gotten so little sleep the night before.

I was initially rather standoffish as there was a misunderstanding regarding a comment about my appearance. Once that was cleared up and "P" and I went out to look at his new restoration (Austin Westminster) it seemed like old times.

I really appreciated their effort to remember to call me April and to use the right pronouns.

The children played and we had a great dinner and as usual we parted wishing we lived closer to each other. I felt very comfortable with my old (no I am not calling them old…in joke) friends and I pray we can all still be friends after the separation.

Some late rockabilly as it morphs into surf, the Paragons with their instrumental Scramble:

So Many Tears

Spoiler Alert….

Mid season finale of The Walking Dead, the survivors finally find Sophia the little girl from their group who panicked and runs off. Despite a coordinated search for her, she was virtually right under there noses all along. In a powerful last few minutes of the episode the producers manage to engender sympathy for the "walkers" lost humanity and tragedy at the fate of a little girl.

I know its just a TV show but when an undead Sophia emerged from the barn I burst into tears and cried and cried. The pain of the mother all too real.

A bit of an over reaction on my part but it has been a stressful week or two. The uncertainty of my employment status, the frustration of finding enough time to do everything. But mostly the hurt feelings and grieving over "J" and I's imminent separation proved too much.

I never feel so bad as when "J" and I argue. I did not head down this road blind, I knew where it would lead. Do I wish I never started. Yes and No.

If you are wondering how the Christmas party and visit with old friends went, good but more about that tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Here are British psychobilly band Demented are Go with my fav Wanda Jackson tune:

Christmas Parties and a Road Trip to see Old Friends

What am I up to, mostly looking for work, being a "mom" and writing when I have a minute. The terrible fall/early winter cold has almost dissipated and with its retrial hopefully a return of my old energy.

My cooking skills have improved dramatically as I am usually responsible for dinner, the search is always on for quick and tasty recipes.

Transition wise my phone voice must have improved as I had two Ma'ams from different telemarketers. Gas station attendants are also much more solicitous.

Had my first phone interview as April as well!

Two rather nerve racking events coming up, the neighbourhood Christmas party, so far everyone has been very nice but I do not speak with everyone on our street on a regular basis. I am sure the entire neighbourhood has seen me out at some point whether it is going to pick up the children from school, raking leaves or working on a car. But for many it will be the first time the see me up close.

There is also a trip planned to see some old friends from university. They were initially very upset to learn of my transition and the eventual break up. I would not be too nervous meeting them one or one or even as a couple but a gathering of each family including children makes it a much more uncertain proposition.

Culturally (or what I classify as culture…cars and rockabilly) interests me this moment is Lincoln Mark V's the Mark V superseded the Mark IV of course, I have a 72 and 76 model (who knows I may even get top keep them after the separation as they are still not much of a valuable collector car).

The 77-79 Mark V is mechanically the same as the 72-76 Mark IV but had a new angular body with the same neo-classic design cues. I have admired them for some time and would love to have a vinyl roof delete model in silver, or a triple white loaded model, top of the list is the fifty or so coach built convertibles. Be still my beating heart. Oh yeah make sure they all have the 460 V8.

Other topics of fascination, Elvis' girlfriends after Priscilla, Linda Thompson and Ginger Alden. Linda was later married Bruce Jenner and music mogul David foster and also the subject of a brief reality show.

The last Lincoln Elvis bought (yes he had Mark IVs too) was a white 77 for Ginger. Ford was sold out and a special call had to be made to Detroit to locate a car immediately. After all that trouble the big Continental was too much for Ginger who prior to that only had a three speed bike. Elvis bought her Cadillac's "international sized" Seville.

While we are talking about Elvis, check out his last "travelogue" movie Live a Little Love a Little, (I have featured it here before) the office scenes where he juggles two jobs, as an advertising photographer/executive and a pin up photographer have a definite Mad Men feel about them. To match his new success he gets a cool apartment, new suits and a 68 Imperial convertible to drive around in…. very cool!

Musically I am still listening to Teenage Head's complete discography. Wish I had seen them live when I had a chance. But I will leave you with an alt take of Elvis' T.R.O.U.B.L.E. from 1975:

Hugs,

April

Zombies, Winter and Crossing Guards

It snowed the other day, a little wet blowing snow but ominous signs of what is to come. I am not a winter person and before anyone in even colder parts of this great Dominion call me a wimp I have lived In Thunder Bay and Sudbury too and have experienced its Siberian like temperatures.

Makes me want to run to Florida or the South of France! I await my invite in the mail dear constant readers?

But the little snow we had reminds me of how close Christmas is and how far behind I feel. Not enough resumes out, not enough work on my voice and name change paper work. I seem to be so busy just being a "mom" dropping off or picking up, getting dinner ready. When the school day ends at just after three until all are in bed I cannot begin work again till well past nine pm….by which time I am usually beat.

No I don't believe this is divine retribution for my past sexist ways I was always very aware of how hard stay at home parents worked.

Needless to say I am rather behind on car work as well. The Seville is running and should be ready for its mandatory safety check. I finally got the exhaust manifold off the Lincoln Mark IV…wow what a job requiring all sorts of ingenuity and tricks not detailed in the official Ford manual (six volumes). As usual trying to do most of the work myself to avoid further enriching local mechanics. Grease, rust particles and foundation do not go well together.

I have also churned out a new automotive article for a domestic buff magazine entitled The Top 10 Cars to survive the Zombie Apocalypse….I know I know it just writes itself. Yes a paying gig too! The image above was photo shopped for article thanks to "J". "Mom" and daughter zombie fighting team.

How is being full time going, great! I do feel so much happier as myself sometimes I think I need a good pinch to wake myself up. Being out and about amongst my fellow "man" is no longer such a concern almost second nature. Last week was also the first time I tried on clothes using the stores woman's changing room.

I continue to feel I am passing most of the time. The cashier at the store offered me a candy again and called me sweetie, the young guy at the pizza place called me Ma'am, the staff at the Napa auto parts store both male and female never seemed to notice anything.

But how much is being polite? The girl who helped me choose a new phone never batted an eye when I handed her my still male drivers licence.

OK one funny story, walking children to school, the youngest runs ahead to the crossing guard, he says wait for your mom. My little darling proceeds to tell him that I am her daddy and that I just look like a girl….then she bids him a cheery good morning.

Had a chat with my friend Krissy today on the phone it felt just like two woman having a conversation and I guess it was.

Hugs,

April

Here is the first single by local punk band Teenage Head. I have also been listening to their 1996 album Head Disorder, great!!! go and find it or their Trouble in the Jungle from 86 but the best has to be Frantic City 1980. The most rockabilly of all punk bands.

The Price You Pay

A strange week that seems to have slipped by far too fast. So much to do and even when not working full time I seem to have so little of it. Being a "mom" and home maker is also proving to take its toll on my working hours.

Emotionally up and down but no serious depression and I damn well hope it does not return.

Met with two girl friends this week one for lunch the other for coffee. Each is at different stages of their transition just behind me….wow suddenly I am the experienced one, what the heck happened.

Transition is a gift (a life saving one) but it is not cheap. No I am not talking about the not insubstantial cost of surgery…SRS…FFS…implants but the emotional, the relationships, jobs etc.

It is finally hitting me that "his" life is over and that the most important relationship is forever changed and finite. I knew it all along in my head but not my heart, I have the taste of ashes in my mouth.

It would make sense to play Bruce's the Price You Pay but that so so depressing I want to open a vein. No offence to his fans I am one too. Here is another tune with a slightly more upbeat sound if not message.

PS. Photo is me singing along....thank God this is not a VLOG.

Well while we are on a Bruce kick:

Tougher than the rest…the road is dark…

Now this is more my speed:

Open all night featuring a guy driving a first generation Cadillac Seville:

Hugs,

April

Exciting New Directions and the Shepard's Pie Incident

Well the unthinkable happened, no not split ends or a run in my last good pair of nylons, I was laid off Tuesday afternoon. There is an unfair shame in loosing your job, a feeling of worthlessness. I hate to even tell you dear constant reader….I want you to think me a successful woman but a blog like any diary should be about honesty.

I really believe I am psychic when it comes to job loss, over ten years ago I was laid off at the bank (found two jobs in a month or so….clearly a different time) and the day before I had a very ominous feeling about work. Same this time so I was not totally surprised and took it well without breaking down in tears…that came later.

Nothing to do with being transsexual, I am confident it was purely a business decision. The same one I would make if I had to.

Understanding is one thing, emotions are another. After I sat stunned in the parking lot for a good half an hour. I could hardly summon the energy to drive, I unsteadily piloted the Electra to a park by the lake where I could sit in silence and contemplate the speed hypothermia can kill. I Googled it later and it is quite an unpleasant way to die.

A beautiful pink and blue late afternoon sky, Canada geese flying south for the winter. The on coming tsunami of depression could be felt in every cell of my body but the cipralex I am on seemed to do a good job and prevented a full collapse.

I knew this job was a risk and I do not regret leaving my old one, it was a horrible environment that was killing me. This job was my ticket out and allowed me to transition. For that i am grateful.

In the very near past I was my job, it defined me, to loose that identity would have been traumatic. In the process of really becoming myself I have moved beyond what I do defining me and am surprised to find I am OK.

Ashley called we talked, would I go back, no the thought never crossed my mind. I AM April, to go back would be a lie. My experience full time has been brief but my confidence has grown immeasurably. It will be scary looking for a job as a woman but I will. It will be nice to start a new job (hopefully) as April with a lot less baggage.

"J" called we talked she gave me a wonderful pep talk, I waited a while longer said goodbye to Lake Ontario then drove home in silence.

The other day determined to make a nice dinner for the family I made a lovely Shepard's pie with fresh mushrooms, salad, french bread etc. Turns out I used some expired chicken broth. I had to throw it all away. I was so upset and had a bit of a breakdown all out of proportion to a ruined dinner. Clearly I was more upset about the job than I told myself.

So the blog continues to morph, the transition story continues, now I can also document the trials and tribulations of the job search process for a trans woman in the 21st century…..great googly moogily….stay tuned.

Times like these call for the blues, here is Johnny Lee Hooker with Boom Boom from my favourite movie of all time:

(bonus points if you spot the 69 Coupe De Ville)