Halloween & Brains

Fun stuff first, Halloween approaches, the cross dressers high holiday. Remarkably I never took advantage of this one occasion in western civilization where dressing as a woman is “acceptable”. Of course I was too worried that I would give away my secret.

Also I usually found myself travelling on Halloween and had no desire to pass through customs dressed as a French maid. This year is different I will be home to hand out candy or take the children trick or treating.

Perhaps this year a costume, nothing too outré… witch, Vampyra, Corpse Bride, Morticia Addams, or even a princess. Nothing showing too much leg, Bettie Page would be so cool but I wouldn’t want the neighbors to get the wrong idea….yet!

A post in two parts as I didn’t want to just talk about being down.

The big city meeting yesterday went well and it looks like our company will retain the client and continue to make money, not as much as this year but still pretty damn good for the industry and economy.

I have a love hate relationship with the city, I envy the excitement and crave the corner office but am repulsed by the disparity between the have and have nots. Such a suburbanite.

It is frustrating sometimes to work so hard at your job but then still have to SELL yourself and the product, sigh I have no problem with unfettered capitalism but sometimes I just want to go to work do my job and then go home.

Some opportunity for a transition job but it is very dependent on other people making things happen. Potential conflict of interest does not allow me to participate and that is maddening. Especially as I am the woman to make it all happen.

Yesterday had me so keyed up the inevitable physical and mental crash followed. Low level bickering my SO (really SO is unfair a term, so gender neutral. She is my wife however I don’t wish to acknowledge my male role as husband, granted a role that I have abdicated some time back).

Any disagreement with my biggest supporter is a quick off ramp to a depressive episode. Slept most of last evening instead of working on computer or cars. This morning found me weepy and full of gender dysphoria, short of temper and generally pissed at the world.

Listened to an interesting interview on the radio as I tried to bend the laws of space and time on my morning commute. Basically recent discoveries show that the brain is constantly evolving itself (neuroplasticity) and as such offers the possibility for all sorts of mental health cures. An example would be training the brain to correct the “mental misfire” that causes obsessive compulsive disorder. Perhaps depression can be equally switched off….I am trying.

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/natureofthings/

Hugs,

April

PS. Top photo is Vampyra (of Ed Wood fame), then the original Morticia, Carolyn Jones, she also played the bad girl in King Creole with Elvis and finally a safe for work picture of the beautiful Bettie Page.

Drab or Male Drag

Meeting in the city today, so this has to be a quickie. The city means a suit and tie. My job is usually casual dress but I used to work for a multinational and wore a suit everyday. I actually liked that, a suit being the closest men can come to any sartorial elegance.

I put on the dark blue pinstripe, crisp white shirt and blue and gold tie and stared at myself in the mirror. A somewhat unfamiliar person looked back, my longer hair was at odds with how I usually appeared when formally dressed, the suit did not seem to hang as well, I have lost weight.

There was also something about the eyes and the face, the woman inside was starting to shine through after five or so months on hormones. Wishful thinking, perhaps but I am sure I could perceive some subtle changes.

Male drag? I hope no one reads me?

Hugs,

April

CLICK

Things have begun to click into place, early on in this blog I wrote about a new feeling of confidence in my female self. I indentified this confidence as an important milestone in my transition.

The new confidence has allowed me to tell more people about the real me and most importantly to finally tell my father.

Just like that another mental piece of the puzzle has clicked into place. The new cog in the machine is the realization that I am really going to do it. The realization that in the not too distant future I will live full time as a woman that I will have surgery, that the way I experience the world and how people see me will change forever.

I have brief glimpses of that future once a week when I can get out for a precious few hours. Womanhood as seen through a scanner darkly, yes I am scared. I am afraid I don’t have the mental strength, the force of will to achieve my goals. I am afraid I will destroy what I value most in my current life.

But I keep moving forward; one foot after another…it is all we can do.

Transition is no longer a matter of if but of when. A lifetime’s unspoken desire realized, I can’t wait. I am excited, I tell myself that I can’t believe I am actually doing it and happiness courses through my body.

Hugs,

April

Baby You Can Drive My Car

Greetings, thanks for coming back, sorry I missed Friday I had a post all a ready to go but just ran out of time!

Friday was a big day, I was to see my therapist presenting as April 100%. Obviously I could not leave work dressed, well I could but it would have been my last day!

The session went well but I don’t think I was feeling completely myself (April that is) He kept intruding. I think I was nervous being seen by my therapist as April for the first time and as I just left work I was having trouble shaking off all my job worries and concerns.

Later I was able to go for coffee with a friend (still as April of course). I had the privilege of being a passenger in my own car. I let my male friend drive and open my door for me. I could get used to that, so happy I could purr, stretched out in the leather seat, heels and short skirt.

Pleased with my confidence as I was able to relax in a busy coffee shop, SO asked an interesting question, was I more at ease because I was with a man? Hmmm

Drove home in the Mark IV with the Black Angels on the stereo feeling like a pretty cool chick, no raising the power windows when pulling up to another car at the stoplight tonight. I did chicken out a bit on the way home. I had to desperately use the washroom; I drove into a Tim Horton’s but a plethora of teenagers made me change my mind. Instead I found a gas station/convenience store, don’t think the attendant clocked me. I gave him a nice smile and a thank you as I left.

I didn’t think I could get out on the weekend but my SO got home early and I was able to get ready at the last minute and make it too an LGBT dance at a local pub. I had a cute LBD I had been dying to wear. I did my nails bright red and wore my “Black Candy” heels. Even better I was able to meet my girlfriends, Natasha and Ashley there, it is unfortunately a rare occasion when all three of us can synch our schedules.

The place was really hopping (had to line up to get in!) and as we were the only Trans girls there we were the source of some attention and interest. I was totally self conscious at first but I eventually made it to the dance floor for some seriously retro disco tunes. Too bad I missed them playing the Ramones. Closed the place down leaving around 2:30 AM.

Sunday spent most of the day as April, cleaning, helping with school projects and making dinner.

Reluctantly remove my nail polish this morning in preparation for another work week. I am so looking forward to the day when a little red nail polish won’t be an issue…

Hugs,

April

PS. Here is what I have been listening to all weekend, Bloodhounds on My Trail by the Black Angels. Cooly hypnotic.

Jebus...That Thing is Long

No not what you think!

I took the children to school this morning. As I was backing out of the parking lot in my lowered 76 Lincoln Mark IV. One of the moms not realizing I had the windows down uttered the above quote and I just knew I had to use it for the title of today’s post.

I am not sure if her exclamation was spoken in amazement, horror or admiration. So what does this have to do with being Trans….not much actually. However, I often take the children to school and it is hard not to succumb to dysphoria as I admire all the moms, whether dressed for the office in skirts and heels or just casual jeans and a t shirt.

Still presenting as male I am effectively segregated from their conversation, I long to be one of the girls. I want to tell them that I am one of you but of course I cannot.

When I transition I will not leave and start anew, I have children and responsibilities. It is inevitable that most of the people you see me will know who I used to be. Will I be included when I take the children to school as April…it should make for some interesting conversation on the playground before the bell rings.

Sunny day must be improving my mood, also heard that some progress has been made on my Jaguar XJS wiring harness (it has a Chevy V8) so that is good news. The Corvette powered Jag strikes me as a real April kind of car….we all need a little under hood conversion right?

Last night I washed the Lincoln and sealed up a leaky gasket around the steering column that was letting in copious amounts of hot air from the custom built 460. Then finally able to shed horrid guy clothes for girl jeans bra and top to watch TV and fold laundry...my I lead an exciting life.

By the way Jebus…it’s a Simpson’s thing
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jebus

Hugs,

April

Am I A Woman?

My head starts to spin sometimes when I read transgendered theory, not just the scholarly works but also the insights of those of us so "afflicted”.

I used to go for long walks and debate endlessly in my mind whether I was really Trans or just fooling myself. I would return home physically and mentally exhausted.

I am past that stage now and am confident in my decision to transition. However, does that mean I was always a woman in the wrong body?

I can’t say that I always felt like a woman, really what benchmark would I use? I just knew that I was different and did not have the same ease amongst those of my own physical gender as did my contemporaries.

I had few if any male friends and preferred to hang out with the girls at university. I used to think that my lack of male bonding was due to the fact few guys shared my eclectic interests (no I am not talking about a love of shoes.)

So am I a woman, right now I don’t know. I wish I could answer in the affirmative but I feel trapped in a no man’s land between genders. I know I long to leave this purgatory and become the woman I am meant to be.

The process has started and I know I will make it

Hugs,

April

April’s Automotive MissAdventures (a continuing series)

Being thoroughly fed up with the Toronado’s leaky sun roof and stripped interior, I drove her home from work then parked her under cover for the rest of the week and will hopefully have some time to delve further into the mysteries of GM’s and ASC (American Sunroof Corp.) astroroof design.

My SO and a neighbor pushed the carburetor free 72 Mark IV out of the driveway so I could move the Corvette. The Vette was washed (it was of course dark by now) and driven over to my mothers for winter storage (thanks mom!). From mom’s I retrieved the 1976 Lincoln Mark IV which will hopefully serve daily driver duties until she goes into the shop for some tranny work…don’t get excited that means transmission.

The 76 Mark ran well though she is a pig on gas, single digits compared with the Toro’s 20mpg. A couple of idiosyncrasies to fix including a vacuum headlight switch that likes to fail on a regular basis. Her most glaring shortcoming is a terrible paint job that is beginning to chip and peel, no doubt to an earlier life spent outside in the hot Florida sun. If the Mark is to serve this winter the twenty inch rims will have to come off for the original 15’s.

Bottom line nice to have a car with an interior again!

Told Dad

I had lunch with my father on Friday and told him about how depressed I had been. My father called on Saturday and Sunday showing concern. I was working Sunday, filming at the race track. I told him that I would meet him at 10:00PM at his house.

I was not planning on telling him until much later in the transition process but I felt that I needed to tell him now and that the time was right, sometimes you have to follow your instincts. I was incredibly nervous and so scared it was almost physically impossible to get the words out.

My father is also an Anglican Minister (Episcopalian in the USA), his second career. It helped somewhat to think of him in his role as a minister hearing a confession rather than my father. I told him I am Transgendered, however he was not sure of the term, I explained what it meant and he was surprised. As a minister he did not have any real experience with Trans people but the Anglican church is open to gay community. It does turn out that he knew one M2F, an older woman who had passed away two years ago. She had fought in Burma in WWII and transitioned in the early seventies. He had thought quite highly of her.

I told him everything about the hormones, plans for surgery, what my real name is, I even showed him a couple of photos. He took everything quite calmly and asked intelligent and respectful questions. He told me that I had nothing to be ashamed or guilty about and that I am as God made me. He is still my dad so I held it together and did not cry but came very close. He even suggested that once my transition is "complete" that they have a celebration at the church. He was sorry what what I had gone through as a child and that I could not share my feelings earlier on.

I am so relived I was dreading having to tell him, we have not always had a close relationship and I went expecting the worst. I am really surprised but incredibly happy at his reaction to the news. I had a tough weekend dealing with some depression but feel a new purpose this morning.

Hugs,

April

Crappy Car Stuff:

In case you are interested in my automotive adventures. Just had time this morning to drop into an auto glass place, basically they washed their hands of the Toronado, too old too complex. I am trying to locate a terrible sun roof leak, I mean massive. I had the entire interior gutted and this is my daily driver! Feel silly driving around in an empty car with the headliner temporarily taped into place.

Some suggestions on where to look next, means more disassembly and that means car may have to be off the road for a time. As usual up to me to fix.

Getting desperate for a daily driver, Don’t want to push my Eldorado project as it is still a bit of an unknown, think best bet will be to fix trans issue on 76 Lincoln Mark IV as the car is in very good overall mechanical condition. Too bad the paint job is so bad.

Sent the carb for the 1972 Mark in for professional repair, bad news was that it kept leaking but I think I narrowed down the problem to the carb. The 72 is scheduled for storage as it is too delicate for winter duty.

Argh driving me to distraction…..with everything else going on I really don't need all these car problems. I need to save my time and energy for family and transition. Really who needs a double digit collection of 19 ft long cars?