What Color is Your Wedding Dress?

I am privileged that my mother, father and brother all care enough to read my little diatribes. And most importantly my wife. I was going to complain about my job today but she suggested a different topic.

A little about her first to know how she fits into this story. I came out to her in a gradual manner over the last two years and she has been supportive and understanding through it all. She has shown a true Christian attitude where it would be so easy for anger and bitterness to take root. Anger only flares when I let myself descend into depression.

I love her and never wanted to hurt her, when we married I was naive and considered my transexualism to be an aberration that would eventually disappear.

We are best friends but separation and divorce (although friendly) is an inevitability. How our future family living arrangements will look is uncertain but I am positive we will find an answer that is best for the children.

Being Trans means having to embrace the absurd sometimes. A discussion with your wife about whether it would be appropriate for me to wear a white wedding dress if I were to remarry has got to take the cake so to speak.

How is someone supposed to take their husband becoming a woman? She is honest and admits to occasional feelings of anger and fear about the future. Will she find someone else to provide the type of closeness and companionship she misses?

Surprisingly she also admitted to feeling of jealousy. I have more clothes and fit into a smaller dress size. The children have said I am pretty…..raise in allowances all round! I understand that it is typical competiveness between two women. But she is beautiful and will always be more than I can ever be no matter how much I spend on surgery.

One day in the future we may both find someone else. I know she will have no trouble on that account and although we can no longer be a couple I know that on that day I will be happy for her but my heart will still break.

Time to lighten the mood; here is Elvis and Ann Margaret with the Lady Loves Me….

Hugs,

April

Saturday Night, Sunday Morning

I met my friend Ashley for drinks on Saturday evening, wore a black sweater dress with sheer nylons, jewelled two inch heels. Wife thought it was too short for a woman of my age. I will admit the dress looked shorter with tan nylons, worked better when I wore it with black tights. I believe she called it a desperate divorcee number, which I found quite amusing.

Ashley looked great by the way. We initially went to the Carrigan Arms but a live band meant it was too loud for me, also not my kind of music. We retreated to an establishment more to our tastes and where we could carry on a conversation without yelling at each other.

Sunday was a super rush to get ready in the morning and drive into Toronto for the Trans parent forum at Sherbourne. Made it in ok but lost a hubcap from the Toronado. I wore my favourite jeans, a scooped black T-shirt with a black lace cami underneath and a belted sweater. Wife pronounced the outfit much more appropriate. I left the house in boy/girl mode as it was broad daylight. Running shoes, bomber jacket and dark glasses (no wig). Oh and gloves to hide the painted nails.

Once I arrived at Sherbourne I switch shoes, jacket, hair and applied a light pink lip stick. The forum was very interesting all MTF except the facilitator who was FTM. Initially I was really nervous but everyone was friendly and we had a good chat before the session. Most of the attendees had been full time (post op?) for a while and a wide spectrum of ages. I wanted to participate in the study as there is little knowledge on the issue and on a selfish note I wanted to push the envelope and gain more experience being out in the daytime.

My wife needed to go onto the office so I drove straight back getting stuck downtown in the traffic leaving the Santa Claus parade. I was thinking about heading over to the Eaton's Center mall but time was short and I really didn't feel in the shopping mood. I drove home en femme and was able to safely enter the house under the cover of darkness.

Presented as April for the rest of the evening, minus wig as it gets hot since I have let my natural hair grow out. Dinner, baths for the children then bedtime. Watched episode 4 of the Walking Dead.

Quick car update, changed oil and greased chassis (what a filthy job) this weekend. While I was underneath I saw the driver's side CV boot has cracked...more work. Terrible wind noise from the sunroof not shutting properly on the passenger side RH corner. I just hope it doesn't leak again. The Toronado handled downtown traffic fine but a definite vibration above 100 KPM drive axle?

So if you find a Toronado XS hub cap please contact me, there will be a reward. The caps are unique to the XS model Oldsmobile and are quite rare, luckily I did have a spare.


Hugs,

April

Trans Parenting and a little Holy Rolling

So everything at work has become a red ball and the buck stops with me. Same deal at my wife’s office perhaps it is something to do with the build up to the Christmas holidays. I apologize if this post is somewhat disjointed.

I work in an almost total male environment and as the week progresses I feel the femininity being leeched from my soul. I cannot be who I am so I continue to wear the mask I have been able to partially shed at home. Note to self GET ANOTHER JOB! Yes I know I am lucky to have a job.

Another long night getting my alternative transport ready for use, an hour fettling ended up lasting well past the witching hour. Middle child sick, reinforcements (Mom) called in to fill the breech.

Toronado ran well on the morning commute with the only annoyance being wind noise from the improper sealing sunroof. Driven to distraction last night by the fuse for the courtesy lights blowing. I think I went through six 20amp fuses until I tracked the problem to an abraded wire to the trunk light. Working for now but you never know old cars, they have their own agenda.

This Sunday I will be taking part in a Trans parent forum in the big city. I would like to attend as April; however this would mean leaving home during daylight hours. Typical suburban neighborhood where each house is visible to others on the street. Not an insurmountable problem but I will have to carefully consider what I will wear and what additions or subtractions I can make in the car.

I wanted to tip any of you with the same musical taste to a great site called the Hound Blog. One of the latest posts deals with Brother Claude Ely, one of the greatest Gospel shouters ever. If this guy recorded secular music he would have been one of Rock n, Roll’s founding fathers. Lots of his records here free to download:

http://thehoundblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/brother-claude-ely.html

This stuff really moves, Brother Claude makes a joyous noise unto the Lord that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I am not one for organized religion (as Groucho said, “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members” but this would get me into church. Have a listen and hope it brightens your day.

Speaking of religion I have it on good authority that God does love us as we are and as whom we wish to be. Being Trans is not a sin, nor is transitioning.

Hugs,

April
PS. Picture has nothing to do with this post, another photo from the dance last week.

Dizzy Miss Lizzie

Feeling a little woozy this morning. Stayed up very late working on my Oldsmobile Toronado. Coffee stat!

I decided to reinstall the interior in my Toronado and not stop till I was done. I usually only have an hour or two spare on weekends and didn't want to drag the job out over the next few weeks. Also the Lincoln needs a new RH manifold exhaust gasket and may be out of commission for a few days. Started the job at 9:30PM and finished at 3:00 AM all work performed outside.

Installed everything from the headliner to the carpet and everything in between. The car now has its red plush buttoned velour seats and door panels again. Still a few bolts and screws to find homes for but all the grunt work is done. Next job change the oil and lube the chassis.

Why was the interior out? The power sun roof or Astroroof in GM speak was leaking somewhere, the water eventually pooling in the passenger foot wells….after it poured down the back of your neck. Multiple leaks were found but everything had to come out to locate them.

The one major problem was that the rear slider assembly on the sun roof broke so the roof will remain inoperable till I find another one. Certainly an obsolete part as the Oldsmobile Division is no more and the sun roof manufacturer ASC has also passed into the history books. Finding a new or even a used one will be a quest on par with finding the Grail.

So what have I learned, obviously I need more cars (joking). Actually I forgot how much time I used to spend on my cars, hours EVERY night and weekend. It is time that I can no longer afford and the masculine identity reinforcement that such work provided is no longer necessary.

Hugs,

April

Here are the prolific garage favorites Thee Milkshakes with the title of this post:

I Love Rock n' Roll

I had a real bad day yesterday at work and to top it all off I was contacted by our version of the IRS looking for more tax money. I could go on and on but I won’t.

Instead of being miserable I am going to focus on some positive things, I got to go out on Saturday night (and again Sunday), doctor yesterday raised my hormone level and I think I can actually see some facial changes. Also the dead hairs from the last laser session continue to come out a pace.

I had been looking forward to an evening out for a while with girlfriends Ashley and Natasha. It is a rare occasion when all three of us can get together. The HOPE event at the Carrigan Arms was not as well attended as the last time but it was still a lot of fun and we were able to all sit down.

I had been pre-warned about Natasha’s gorgeous off the shoulder number so I needed something different. My wife found me a very cute red dress that had a definite sixties retro feel. Paired with a pair of silver three inch heels and very daring for November no nylons.

I even danced! I think the photo is of me getting in the spirit of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock n' Roll”. Lots of contemporary dance stuff, some vintage seventies disco but no Ramones like the last time.

Later we went to another pub for a quiet drink (diet coke for me) and chatted some more.

On Sunday I met Natasha and Marissa in Hamilton for coffee then came home and ended up staying up too late watching episode three of the Walking Dead.

The opportunity to get out in different environments seems to build my confidence each time.

Hugs,

April

Envy

There is a reason envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It is an unfortunate character trait I have seen in myself before.

Envy (Latin, invidia) in Dante's Purgatory is punished by having ones eyes sewn shut with wire because you have gained sinful pleasure from seeing others brought low. I prefer St. Thomas Aquinas’ description of envy as "sorrow for another's good".

I know from where this weed grows, it is the frustration over the pace of my own transition. It is what keeps from venturing back to various forums as I tend to judge my own progress against others. When I find progress lacking I lapse into depression. When you want to go full time, when you feel yourself ready any delay becomes unbearable.

I have a good friend who is poised to enter the fast track of transition. She is less encumbered by ties to her male life than I. For her it is not a matter of overcoming a series of obstacles but of when.

Irrationally I feel that I should be first, that she is usurping my role. The situation fills me with envy and yes anger. I feel terrible for thinking this way, which just makes it worse.

I am trying to turn my envy into a positive energy, to strengthen my resolve and to take action to make my own transition happen as soon as possible. And of course to wish my friend well and give her all the support I can.

Hugs,

April

Diana Dors' Cars

Diana Dors was Britain’s answer to Marilyn Monroe. Besides being a blonde bombshell she seems to have had great taste in cars. In 1954 the rising star bought a used car but oh what a car it was, a 1949 Delahaye bodied by Saoutchik in the prewar art deco style of French coachbuilders. The voluptuous baby blue Delahaye had a nautical theme inspired the narwhal whale, the unicorn of the seas.

Diana and her husband did not keep the Delahaye long trading it in on a new Cadillac convertible. I also found a photo of her standing beside a British registered 59 Cadillac….the perfect car for any movie star. I swear that is a Riley behind the police officers right shoulder.

The restored Delahaye recently sold for $3 million.

The great "Another Nickel in the Machine" blog about historic London has an interesting story on Ms. Dors:

http://www.nickelinthemachine.com/2009/06/caxton-hall-in-westminster-and-the-marriage-of-diana-dors-to-dennis-hamilton/

Hugs,

April