School Days

I rarely feel regret at not transitioning earlier in my life. Of course I wished I had been born the right sex from day one, it would have prevented much pain and confusion for myself and others.

I cannot regret the life I lived, I did the best I could, I am lucky to have beautiful children that I would not have otherwise and to have experienced a close, loving and supportive relationship.

That relationship is evolving and an eventual separation will occur, nevertheless it has not ended in acrimony and hatred like so many "normal" marriages.

The past is the past and it is only the future I have the ability to change. Generally words I can live by but occasionally there is a longing for what I missed by living a good deal of my life as a male.

I recently received a copy of my old schools annual newsletter (about the size of a small paperback novel). I attended a boarding school in the UK with roots going back to the sixteenth century. When asked I usually described it as a cross between Tom Brown's School Days and Lord of the Flies. A very Victorian institution, it had a great deal of influence on me mostly for the good. And no you wisenheimers it is not the cause of my current predicament. It was there however that I began to realize the depths of my dysphoria.

As a child I hated it and was terribly homesick by my final year in the senior school I had come to accept it as my home.

The current issue featured article detailed the school's transition to being co-educational. Girls were only admitted beginning in the early seventies. By the time I arrived they were a distinct but entrenched minority. Reading about these pioneers and even recognizing a name or two was an odd sensation. Both a feeling of nostalgia and loss, reminding me that I am for now still something of an outsider looking in at the world of women.

Week Three

Life goes on as normal as possible, there are days I feel I pass better than others. I haven't had any unpleasant experiences.

One event of note was taking the children to swimming practice, they insisted on using the ladies changing area and not the family one. I was not going in the pool myself just seeing that they changed and made it to their classes on time. I have always used the female washroom when out but this was a more public experience and one where my presence if read could be construed as objectionable by some.

No one seemed to notice and I watched on deck until "J" relived me so I could get dinner going.

On a more light hearted note I was flirted with by the older gentleman cashier at the grocery store. He looked a bit like Santa Claus and offered me a candy. I have no intention of running off with him to the North Pole but it was rather validating and sweet.

Hugs,

April

I Walked with a Zombie

I trust everyone out there in TV land will be glued to AMC this weekend to check out episode 2 of the second season of The Walking Dead. I caught a repeat of episode one on Sunday, of course watched alone in the dark. Very intense, you have been warned.

How many of you find your mind wandering to survival strategies for the upcoming zombie apocalypse….just me, jeez I knew I was weird.

Feeling very positive about transition. Not so much about work. I have proactive job, there is rarely a beginning, middle and end to anything I do. It has been hard to muster a lot of enthusiasm as the marketplace has been so unresponsive. Feeling a little too much like a zombie my self behind this desk. Hopefully I can regain my humanity over the weekend and fight back with new resolve Monday.

A few snapshots from going full time:

Took children and their friends to Mc Donalds for a treat, in the midst of trying to place the order my middle child says loudly Daddy I want….the three women behind the counter according my eldest daughter all exchanged puzzled looks. I continued like nothing happened. Oh well if they looked unsure that was likely a good sign that I passed the initial inspection.

9:30 am appraiser dropped by to see one of my cars for insurance purposes. I answer the door, is (insert male name here) at home? Playing it by ear I say no. Get the keys and answer a few questions, trying to speak about myself in the third person. Assume I passed, not sure.

The software I got to help with my voice turns out to be different from the one shown me at the voice clinic. Does not seem to display pitch while I am speaking. Annoying, anyone have any suggestions?

The dysphoria I used to feel when visiting a mall, seeing other women etc has almost dissipated. Sure I still want surgery, implants, FFS but much more at peace with myself. Liking more what I see in the mirror, finally reflecting who I really am inside.

Hugs,

April

Zombies in Memphis....still lookin' for the King

Riding the Rails

Relearning how to speak, I am seeing a doctor in Toronto. It is up to me to make the effort to practice and change my voice. To avoid as little disruption to family and work I have scheduled my appointments as early as possible, 8:30 AM.

Monday morning was my first appointment, I had gone a few weeks earlier for testing and evaluation.

To make it on time means getting up at five am or earlier to beat the traffic and find a place to park. If Toronto is famous for anything it should be traffic congestion. I used to commute everyday by car so I know it has gotten worse and worse over the years.

Contemplating the large fuel bill for my 455 powered Buick and another twenty bucks for parking, "J"said why not take the train. Well yes I guess I could! I had avoided the train in the past because I didn't feel comfortable i.e. able to pass riding cheek by jowl with the rest of the city's bleary eyed work force.

I am full time now so just bite the bullet and do what not so long ago I would have considered unimaginable. Once again I erred on the conservative side dressing in jeans, flats black top and sweater. The trip was uneventful and no one gave me any funny looks despite sitting very close together in the rather cramped seats. I was surprised by the number of women waiting on the platform in skirts and heels, one very memorable Russian woman in leopard skin pumps.

Heels would have been nice but I had planned to walk from Union Station to the appointment and that might have been just a bit too far and too uncomfortable. Good thing too as I got a call to come to the studio as I was waiting for the train home enjoying a coffee and admiring the imposing imperial architecture of Union station.

Ditched the coffee and caught the subway north of the 401 to pick up an episode on hard drive to drop off at the other studio which is on the way to Niagara Falls. Another subway and train ride home. The subway was equally uneventful though I think the woman across from me may have suspected something. The guy besides me reading his e book certainly didn't.

By the time I got back to Union then the train home it was 1:30. Retrieved the Buick from the GO Train parking lot and headed west. Pulling off the highway I was followed closely by a police SUV almost all the way into the city, I turned right, he turned right, I turned left, he turned left…I started to get worried. I really thought he was going to pull me over (of course I had been exceeding the speed limit on the highway) eventually we parted company. I really think he was running my plate, strange woman in vintage car, sounds like trouble with a capital T.

At the studio I dropped off the hard drive and stuck around to say hello to my contact there, him, Hi what's new?. Me oh nothing much…this was the first time he had seen April and was nonchalant to the point of being comatose, rather funny really.

Almost finished two articles for a Canadian automotive magazine, one on the development of the 19681/2-1971 Lincoln Mark III and another on the history of the revived Stutz company in the seventies. My first commercial writing under the name of April!

Week Two

Week two…wanted to post this earlier but all heck broke loose at work today.

Last week Ontario had a provincial election (my guy lost), of course ID is required to vote. The woman officiating at the polling station looked up from my drivers licence as said to her partner, no that is not right, I need yo see YOUR ID. I offered that I had a second piece of official identification if required, no I need YOUR ID, you gave me the wrong one. Finally I told her that yes that is me. Realization dawned slowly across her face and completely flustered she thrust me my ballot. Glancing back on my way out the door I caught her staring.

The neighbours on the street have been very nice, using the right name and even inviting me over for coffee. Whether I will be ever be accepted as one of the girls is uncertain. I recognize that it takes a while to accept fully such a profound change. I walk my youngest to school almost everyday and have not had a problem from children or teachers, though I do hear through the grapevine that some of the dads were uncomfortable.

Yesterday I had my first client meeting as April. Once again an epic drive into Toronto battling rain and traffic. Some very impatient and reckless drivers, amazed at some of the aggression on display (did that used to be me?). The Electra carried me safely through the maelstrom and consumed the entire $45 dollars of gas I put in the tank the day before.

It would be the first time my boss had met April in person so I dressed conservatively, dark blue dress pant like jeans, flats, a black and tan lace top and a light tan sweater, minimal jewellery. No skirt and heels today though it would have been appropriate for the meeting. As far as I can recall of the other two women in attendance, one wore a skirt and moderate heels the other pants. Boss was complimentary and only slightly freaked out ;)

I had been prepared to introduce myself and explain who I was in order that my situation not be a distraction in meeting (I had not met or corresponded with any of the participants prior). Turned out not to be necessary as my boss took the lead in the discussion. Overall a short meeting that saw us kicked up the food chain to the national management, so a return trip is hopefully in the cards.

The assistant who I had scheduled the meeting with didn't seem to guess who I was and asked where the "he" she had been dealing with by e-mail last couple of months was.

Another first would be working outside on the cars and gardening (mowing and raking…all the gardening I care to do) in full view of neighbours some of who even stopped by to talk. I felt rather self conscious at first as the automotive part is stereotypically seen as a male pursuit and in jeans, t-shirt and no makeup I didn't feel my most alluring. Installed a new Vintage stereo in my 76 Lincoln Mark IV.

My fear of going out has mostly evaporated as the demands of work and family mean I cannot hide away at home.

Some more amazing music from Motor City:

Hugs,

April

First Week

Almost one week full time, so do I have any great revelations. Did the heavens part and was the secret of femininity bestowed upon me. Nothing so dramatic, I think the week would be best summed up in a free association list of experiences:

- entering a shoe store with "J" to buy some much need flats, "how may I help you ladies today" from the manager (who I had bought shoes from in male mode in the not too distant past) YEAH!

- dropped off TV show on a hard drive at studio, receptionist didn't recognize me. I chickened out and didn't speak to editor and studio head.

- knowing look from lady on the street (was I read), driver in passing car took a photo?…of the tranny?

- interacted with teenage girl on the till at another shoe store and with a guy at the hardware store. Neither seemed to read me, though I did have my sunglasses on.

-stopped by my father's church (yep he is a Rev.) for a chat, first time he had seen April "live". Told I am too tall and my hair needs to be longer….I am working on changing the later. Sorry not meaning to be harsh he was very nice.

- girls calling me DADDY repeatedly and loudly in Halloween store , "J" came up with the moniker Dee Dee ton use by the girls when we are out.

- mom called me April

- won't be going to Thanksgiving dinner at brother in laws with rest of 'J's" family.

- first conference call as April. My boss never miss gendered me or used the wrong name.

- official work e-mail changed to April

- first client proposal sent out under my name.

- answered phone at least twice using male name…Doh!

- while pulled over to talk on the phone, guy asks me about the Buick Electra

-witness to a drunk driving incident, identified my self as April, had to provide a written statement. female officer was taller than me…by quite a bit.

- walked children to school every day this week

- getting used to spending a lot more time (not unexpectedly of course) to get ready in the morning.

- do I feel any different, not really just feel like myself…that's good right?

Hugs,

April

Here is the Grace Change with the greatest version ever of I Want you To Be My Baby, try and not dance to this!

Strike One

Up an hour earlier than I would in former guy mode to do my hair, makeup, appropriate outfit, make lunches for the children and to generally prepare for a 10:00 AM meeting.

I had been dealing with the potential client over the phone as "him" during the last few weeks so I felt it only fair to inform them that I would be presenting as female. I mentioned in my e-mail that if they were uncomfortable the meeting could be conducted over the phone or I could arrange someone else from our company to meet with them.

Twenty minutes before the meeting I received a call that the boss of my contact there was not comfortable meeting me. I felt rather crushed but kept a professional tone and set up a meeting between them and my boss. I am upset, one for being rejected out of hand and secondly that my status may jeopardize the deal or at least take it out of my hands. I was looking forward to reporting back some success today.

On the other hand I did receive a very nice call from a friend and colleague today.

Trying to remain positive.

Hugs,

April

Day One, Year Zero

I am well into day three of my RLE, full time, 24/7, presenting as my chosen gender, whatever you wish to call it.

I had Friday off to travel to Niagara Falls with "J" to both get our hair done. I wanted to take some photos of what I wanted but gave up as I could not find what I was looking for on line the night before. "J" drove through a torrential rain storm to get us to the DV8 Salon (great name by the way) on time. I toned things down to leave the house, dark blue jeans, black t shirt, low heels, a gold chain necklace "J" had given me.

I was so nervous I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights, the staff were great making us both feel very welcome. It was such a positive place with an amazing friendly energy, everyone seemed to be having a good time working there, it must be wonderful to come to such a lively place everyday.

It was a unique experience to be in such a feminine environment without feeling the interloper.

I was in the skilled hands of Ron Lee the owner, again I cannot say enough about his skill and the excellent service. I told him what I was looking for but basically offered myself up to his expertise. Instead of a darker colour I ended up blond with cute bangs that work well to completely disguise my unfortunate widows peak. I also had my make up done and listened diligently and asked lots of questions trying to absorb everything she was doing.

I was ecstatic with the cut and it did wonders for my confidence. "J's" hair also blond but a little darker looked amazing, especially since she has such beautiful long full hair. After the salon we went to lunch with Janis, Ron's mom and a friend of "J's" who helped set up the whole day. Janis regaled us with stories of her done everything, eventful life (now she could write a blog!)…thanks for lunch!

We were supposed to be home by six pm to relieve my mother who was watching the children, but due to a massive traffic jam we had to detour around St. Catharines but still made it home not too late.

Day two I had to take my youngest to her gymnastic class and wait with all the other parents. I took the Saturday paper with me so I could bury my nose in the news but no open seemed to pay me any undue attention. The 76 Electra likely attracted more attention.

Later that day I went by the local mall to say hello to a friend who works at the Bay then over to another mall to get my ears pierced….yes I waited this long. Walking around the mall was a little nerve wracking but no one seemed to stare or do a double take even the gaggles of teenage girls. I have gotta get some flats as the two inch heels make too much noise clicking across the polished floors. I am trying to blend in not announce my presence.

Saturday night Genni, Dan and I attended the Carrigan Arms dance, it was eighties night. I had a rather short pink dress that Dan had found for me, lots of fun dancing to the Ramones, Blondie and Billy Idol. Our usual after action coffee at Tim Horton's across the street.

Monday is going to be interesting. Dropping of children at school and a meeting with a new client at 10:00 AM….

Hugs,

April

The Other Shoe...Bomb

From reading of others experiences it seems to be a common occurrence. Friends or family members initially express support but as the "shock" sets in they find their true voice and condemn your actions.

I have been heartened by the great support I have had leading up to going full time, however yesterday I leaned that my brother in law and his family as well as "J's" mother do not want to see me. I am not welcome at Thanksgiving or the internment service for "J's" father, who I admired and loved.

I was particularly upset to learn that "J's" brother was angry and compared me to a cheating spouse who would not be welcome in their home…ever. That if I really had to do this I should wait another decade until all the children were in university.

I had initially thought that they were accepting or at least neutral on the subject. I can understand how my transition is a shock and that it may take some time for those close to me to understand.

It seems at least in my brother in laws case I have already been expelled from the family and like some out of favour Soviet general airbrushed from all official photographs.

"J's" family was my family, since I had few close relatives in Canada and it hurts to be excluded. I am still luckier than most in this same situation but it will hurt when the rest of the family gathers including "J" and the children but I cannot attend. I will make some excuse about meetings or filming.

On a more positive note today is my last day presenting as male….holy cow

Hugs,

April

October is the New April

I have to give credit to Genni for the cleaver post title.

Monday and Tuesday were typical work days, the search for financing for our modest enterprise, which feels a lot like banging my head against a wall.

I wish work was going better, I could really do do with some more constants in my life.

New Cadillac is being frustrating, I cannot solve the no start condition, car is getting spark and fuel… perhaps a ECM fault? Pills must be working as usually I would be beside myself obsessing about the problem. Anyone out there familiar with mid eighties Cadillac fuel injection?

I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will have to do all these things as April….speak to mechanics, buy parts at Napa or Canadian Tire.

Another reminder that everything changes on Friday was a conversation with a potential client this morning, let's meet Monday he says? Yikes…I guess it will be April going to that meeting, sure you don't want to do that Thursday?

"J " very kindly arranged for us both to have our hair done at a salon in Niagara Falls on Friday. I am a little worried how it will turn out as hair is so important to ones look and ability to pass.

I wanted to leave getting my hair done, eyebrows thinned and ears pierced until the last minute so that there would be a definite visual change between 'him" and April come the big day.

Somewhat confident, determined and scared.

Overall the feeling is of excitement and impatience. Bittersweet too as the old me disappears, "J" asked if I felt sad at no longer being a husband.

Hugs,

April

Here are the Leopards with Down That Line

Telling Everyone Else and Last Minute Guy Tasks

I said I would blog daily up till the big day but you get a combined post for Saturday and Sunday.

So far I have received three out five replies from the car guy friends I e-mailed late on Friday, all very kind and supportive.

"J" had a similar response when she let a number of the neighbours on our little corner of suburbia know about me. Bear in mind that almost everyone on the street has young children. She also spoke with the last of our close family and that went well too.

Two other incidents to report, "J" and I were standing at the end of the drive and a neighbour from down the street drove by and said hi girls, mistaking me for another woman who lives on the same street.

After "J" told a friend at church about me, she confessed that she thought I might have been F to M who had stopped taking testosterone. HA, I will take that as a compliment.

I spent a good part of the weekend rushing to complete some guy related tasks. Not that I cannot do them as April but…. Did I mention when "J" told many of the neighbours while I was is serious dirty guy mode feet sticking out of the Mark IV's trunk.

I replaced the vacuum headlight switch on the Lincoln and removed the door panels to install new speakers (not an easy job, requiring a little creative fabrication) and test fit the new "vintage eighties" stereo.

New plugs and wires for the Seville, but now she won't start, sigh. Original owner told me she would do that when damp. However she has started fine in the rain for me. Cannot find anything I disconnected and no trouble codes except 52, which is ECM reset indicator, from disconnecting the battery.

I also cleared out the area behind the garden shed, six doors, two front fenders and two trunk lids, all from 1959 Cadillacs. I have been holding onto these parts since I was 16, they came as a package (along with a ton of other spares) with my 59 series 62 convertible. I sold off a few body panels last summer and these were the last and rustiest.

In preparation for calling the scrap man I removed the last usable chrome and stainless trim from the panels, surprisingly everything came off rather easily, even the beautifully delicate Fleetwood letters. To think the last time most of these parts had been touched was by a Cadillac auto worker 53 years ago at the Clark Avenue plant in Detroit.

It is as if they sensed this was there last chance to live on and the rusted bolts and fasteners gave up without a fight.

Photo is of a 59 Caddy, the Cyclone show car though.

Some mellow 1959 Doo wop for Sunday night:

Hugs,

April

Just a Few More Bridges to Burn

I walked my children and their friends to school today, felt rather like a mother duck in the rainy weather we have been having.

The Seville' s prior owner warned me about the cars tendency to not want to start in the damp. So far she has fired up every time for me. I wanted to demonstrate the wonderful "Symphony Sound" to "J" when I attempted to show her nothing but static. Doh!

Blast one day and the radio quits. Consulted shop manual, pulled fuses, nothing amiss. Sun came out and radio worked great. Hmmm I wonder if it was rain pooling inside the power antenna shaft causing poor reception?

Speaking of cars it is high time I contacted the rest of my car friends to tell them about me. As Him I never had many close friends, any friendship was only based on a shared passion for automobiles, luxury automobiles to be precise. I felt I could never be myself around them.

I have not seen most of these guys in over a year. I have been working on a letter but have been too busy (delaying perhaps) to finish. This evening I will finish it and send it. I hope I will remain friends with all of them as that shared passion did produce a true friendship despite my secret.

Brother in law and rest of neighbours remain to be told.

Hugs,

April

That's Don Draper behind the wheel of his new 62 Coupe deVille and today tune is Cadillac Man by The Jesters. Recorded in 1965 and released on the legendary Sun Record label they are already singing the praises of the 59 Cadillac...

I want a Cadillac mister dealer
Like they build in fifty-nine
I want a Cadillac mister dealer
So I can roll on down the line
And when I hit that old broadway
Man, I really wanna fly

I used to blast this tune daily at university, still a favourite. The unreleased cut on the early Ace Rockabilly compilations has a slightly faster less bluesy version, which I prefer and is worth seeking out.

The Road Ahead and the Road Back

I finally saw the doctor yesterday to do something about my depression. A super busy day filming and I just made it to my appointment and slumped into the waiting room chair dressed as him and not caring.

"J" and other members of my family had been pointing out the obvious signs. Finally I began to perceive that it was having a negative impact on my ability to function and not least on those around me.

I had been very scared to ask for help as I saw it as a personal failing and that sometimes anti-depressants make suicidal thoughts worse. With full time fast approaching I was also afraid any little set backs would be fatal.

It has been a while since I have taken joy in anything, I have put off going out as April even though I know it is helpful, I just couldn't make the effort. Day to day responsibilities were all I could manage. Even more telling, I bought a new car (well new to me) and I could hardly summon a smile.

picture is of my 76 Mark IV in the rain at Ford HQ

I am going to try and blog daily until the big day.

Hugs,

April

Best of British

Saturday I was rather out of sorts and retreated to messing about with old cars to seek some peace from my inner demons.

I swapped the 20 inch rims on the 1976 Lincoln Mark IV for a set of nice 235 75 R15 tires and vintage seventies "Star Wire" wheels picked up on line for a great price. The Lincoln really looks like an old school low rider now. I also fabricated a new rear muffler exhaust hanger that had rusted. Next job, cure the right han

d side exhaust manifold leak, might be considerably more difficult.

Poor Lincoln had a baptism of fire or rather rain as she had her first trip on the highway in over a year and ferried me around our film shoot today. We shot a new Shelby Mustang for a segment on the

TV show I help produce.Downside is that the darn vacuum headlight switch broke again! Luckily I picked up a spare on bay last year. Just a matter to taking the dash apart again!!! Oh well the excuse I need to install the new stereo.

Remember that "bustle back" Cadillac Seville, I bought it. Delivery is promised tomorrow. The price was just too good and I had sold the 75 Eldorado. I was not planning to buy another car but it should makea good fuel efficient driver and looks very stylish too. If it proves reliable the Toronado will go to make more room.

I think I read somewhere that Elvis liked to give away Sevilles to his female friends, considering it a "ladies model". Of course he passed away before he got a chance to buy one of the neo-Hopper bodied 80-85 models.

The Electra is due for some minor repairs too. All this car stuff happening at a most inopportune time (wanted all these car issues out of the way before going 24/7) but as I have been told "sh*t happens."

Sunday I finally made it to the big local British Car Day, having missed the last few years. Though I no longer own a car from the motherland it was still fun strolling through the sea of Jaguars, MGs and Triumphs to find the rarer gems of British motordom, Jensen, Bristol, Lanchester, Marcos, Bond, TVR etc….

I even got to enjoy some imported smokey bacon flavoured crisps but turned down the opportunity to buy a die-cast model of an Austin Marina.

I wonder if the A stands for April....ten days and counting....ZMOG

Now something completely different. A modern remix of Elvis' Blue Moon of Kentucky. In my more doctrinaire Rockabilly days I would have screamed heresy but I kinda like this.

Hugs,

April

I've Been Up, I've Been Down

But mostly down….I apologize have been awol , I have not had the heart to post anything for a while. I have at least a half dozen aborted blog posts on my phone or in my handy dandy note book.

Where have I been , in Toronto at two different voice clinics getting cameras shoved up my nose and down my throat. The first I went too as April, still not happy with my hair but hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses I braved the big city and the crowds at the TIFF film festival never garnering any untoward glances as far as I could tell.

Next trip was as him as I had a two meetings to attend after but were then cancelled.

Job is still unstable and I have had to face the probability that it will not be there much longer if the company cannot afford to keep me. Great timing right?

All my fears were coming to pass, just transitioned and fresh out of work and frakkin unemployable. I felt sick with fear. I fell into serious depression and thoughts of suicide capered obscenely inside my head.

The ever present loss of employment (lived with for ten years) caused a major mental crisis. I have like many (men especially) derived 99.9% of my identity and self worth by what I do. I am the VP of Marketing. I hate to fail at anything, I caught myself saying that I would rather die than fail...

Changing genders/sex is one thing, but loosing what I thought made me, me was like having my very identity stripped from me and incredibly painful. Once again I have to give credit to "J" who has managed to keep her head on while others loose theirs.

I think I have passed through they eye of the hurricane for now and have managed to start to distance myself/ego/id from what I do to earn a living. I will also be asking my doctor for help, I have resisted for so long despite the pleas of family and friends. I should be thankful that it is hard to own a hand gun in Canada.

Today is cool but sunny and a little of my old confidence has returned, still a long way to go but time to take that first step.

April

Rock out with The Chesterfield Kings:

Witchcraft

As the King says, My head is spinning around and around, indeed I had to drop off the Electra yesterday and pick up a new Lincoln MKX "crossover". The guy in charge of press vehicles said "A" you looked totally stressed what's wrong.... ha ha what us wrong indeed!!!! Got an hour or two? Soon all will be revealed.

Busy day started at a major hospital in down Toronto with a morning appointment with a ENT (ear, nose, throat) specialist in order to obtain a referral to their voice clinic. Due to Toronto's world class traffic jams I left hours ahead of my appointment in order to ensure I was not delayed. As I also had work to do in the city I stayed in male mode.

I had been attempting to get this appointment since May. Apparently I had fallen through a crack in the space time continuum. Luckily, a compassionate staffer took pity on me and helped shepherd my application through the bureaucracy.

I will be going back for my first appointment with the voice clinic on Monday… as April! Big city, huge facility , lots of people! Wish me luck, Note to self, get used to it this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

If you permit me dear constant reader a little aside on Elvis, Witchcraft, from which I quote is just part of the great sixties output of the King. The B side of Bossa Nova Baby released in 1963. Sure it does not hold a candle to the amazing Rockabilly of the Sun Sessions, essentially the atomic blast creation of rock n' roll

OK before I get off track totally Elvis put out some amazing music throughout the sixties, buried on b sides or movie sound track albums are nuggets of pure gold. Even now after first discovering the king years after his passing I am still stumbling on cool tunes I have not heard before.

The end of September approaches like a freight train, still so much to do, there are so many 'guy" things I want to finish, car repairs (make 76 Lincoln Mark IV winter ready), clear out of the shed and garage etc etc. Really should I worry it would not be feminine to do these things as April.

I am beginning to loose control of the coming out process, my mother set out to inform a relative about me. It turns out they knew for some time?!? Apparently a clue I had intentionally dropped months ago was more than successfully picked up upon.

Running Free

I seem to be crying all the time, everything sets me off, a sad song or story in the newspaper. I know the hormones make one more emotional but really!

I am so stressed by the thought of going full time, I am so scared That I will be a fool a freak. Work my family cars etc it all seems too much sometimes.

Work and Depression:

Worries about work especially have me depressed, I do not want to have just gone full time and a few weeks later not have a job. I am trying so hard but progress is slow. A deal I had been working on did not go the way I wanted it to and I was literally on the floor in a fetal position.

Thank God "J" was able to talk be out of it, after work she suggested we all go the movies and out to dinner, it made a world of difference. She has shown incredible patience.

"J"'s car, the family truckster, we depend upon so much to shepherd the children around suffered a minor setback, worried it was fatal I lapsed back into depression.

I got out yesterday evening with friends, Genni and Natasha. The opportunity to be me made a huge difference. I think I even smiled.

Long Time Gone:

I should be so happy (and part of me is, part of me wants to sing) but part is in mourning for the loss of titles; husband, father, son, brother…the old me on my death bed. It is if I am attending my own funeral.

No black marble pyramid, eternal flame or Cadillacs sixteen coaches long….sorry an in joke.

These are NOT doubts, I know in my heart and mind what I want to do, what I must do. Today I am feeling OK but on Friday I had tears in my eyes. I am sure there will be more up and downs as the clock counts down. I should not complain, it is not cancer, it is not a death sentence, it is only going full time, not even surgery.

Still I am so scared...

Here is the Dave Alvin song I heard that drove me to tears, you have been warned:

Hugs,

April

PS. Photo taken at 1:00 PM, rushed out to see a friend for coffee mid week, 15 min to get ready

My reputation proceeds me….

No not what you think.

I had a knock on my door Friday, a strange man with a cane stood there and asked if I was he. (Sounds like the beginning to a mystery novel)

Being in male mode I admitted who I was. He had been told by the friend of a friend who is a mechanic that I am into old cars, especially Cadillacs. He had a nice 85 Seville for sale cheap and wanted to know if I was interested .

The 85 Seville is the last of the bustle back generation, a love it or hate it design. I love it of course ("J" called it a chick car as it has four doors) but saddled with the unreliable 4.1 litre V8.

ZMOG! Talk about chagrined, really I am trying to get rid of 50% of my fleet not acquire more, but I am so tempted to just have a look. I wonder if there is a 12 step program?

Work, family and an upcoming laser session (holding off shaving) till Tuesday means that I will have not gone out for at least three weeks! The dysphoria is building up to unbearable levels, however I have managed to keep in what passes for a pleasant mood for me and have not slipped into dark depression. Mostly as I have September to plan and look forward to.

Last night I met up with Genni and Natasha, at first I just stayed in my car in the parking lot as I did not want to join them looking like a guy. Eventually I went in but it took a while for my mood to lift. I am glad I went as we had a good chat and I felt better for having connected with friends who can see the real me.

Hugs,

April

Woodward Ave and Other Stuff

An eventful Motown trip, delays at the border (getting sent to secondary), huge storm that almost shut down the Dream Cruise) broken camera equipment etc etc

Customs officer says after looking at my passport, you gave me the wrong one. No that is me or was me I answer. My boss in soto voice says wait till you see her next month.

Still a blast, filmed a beautiful Lincoln Mark III for a feature segment, hope I am not tempting the fates by saying it should look great on the small screen.

Not as much time at the cruise as I would have liked as we ran long shooting the Lincoln. We still got some good footage for a short TV segment.

My favourite car was a fifties rat rod Buick hearse and a 77 Eldorado that had chopped rear springs, something about the speed boat rake just made that car look so bad, you know good. Ran after that one but could not catch up to take a good photo before she was swallowed up by traffic.

Even more car stuff, out at the race track yesterday! Only my second time behind the wheel, this time in the Corvette. Up at the crack of dawn to retrieve my 75 Eldorado which may well go as part of the great car purge of 2011.

Transition Stuff:

As to all that transition stuff, oh where to begin. The long time together in the car allowed my boss and I discuss my transition and how and when April makes her first official work appearance. There is a big racing event coming up in October, where I will meet with our US employees, meet with the president of our biggest client and attend a formal dinner!

All very exciting and quite terrifying as it will be only be two or three weeks after going full time.

"J" had told two more important people in our life. One couple we have not know since university reacted with tears. I can understand their reaction as they were mourning the loss of us as a couple and perhaps me as male. Such sadness is in some ways even harder to deal with than rejection or bigotry.

I am trying hard to focus on the positives of becoming who I really am but the sadness I cause in others who find themselves unwitting passengers on this road tempers that joy.

Hugs,

April

Enjoy Bo Diddley and the Duchess as they perform Let Me Pass, it's about cars not well you know...

Detroit Bound Again….

Off to my favourite city on the planet for the Dream Cruise.

It is a business trip so boss and camera man in tow. So no opportunity to hit the town as April. Oh well I am still excited, we will be shooting a feature on the cruise and a mint Lincoln Mark III.

As we are working on a tight schedule I will not be travelling down in one of my vintage cars, I would have loved to have taken the Mark IV or the Caddy. The Corvette is just too low to brave the potholes. We will have a brand new Chrysler Town & Country, nice and as close as I can get to a new Imperial.

The Dream Cruise celebrates the traditional cruising (dare I say street racing) on Woodward Avenue that became legendary around the country. In the sixties it would not be uncommon to see engineers from the big three surreptitiously testing out one of their latest creations against local hot rodders.

Every kind of car you could ever hope to see will be there, as they say just imagine what you want to see next and it will cruise by a few moments later.

It will be a bit painful to be trapped in guy mode in such fun environment but soon, soon… Maybe next year as April in the Stutz Blackhawk if I can get my act together and finish restoring it.

Of course the above photo is not me….but I see how you could be confused, she is sitting in Stutz number 1!

Taking a meta view this celebration of automotive exuberance is important in a historical perspective, it reminds us what we are capable of. The ability to create functional artwork that drives personal freedom, upward mobility and a vibrant economy. To borrow a line from Mark Steyn;

"When a society loses its memory, it descends inevitably into dementia."

In this era of fear we must remember what those before us achieved and strive to throw off the mental shackles of supposed decline.

Hugs,

April