More Notes From Suburbia

Halloween is only days away and the children were allowed to wear their costumes to school. My wife delivered the princess and the Hogwarts student I drove the vampire in the Mark IV. It was heart warming, they were so excited, it was great to see children just happy being children. I pity the teachers though I am sure no work will get done today.

I am a little put out as I don’t get to dress up. I thought about taking the children trick or treating in a female costume (Morticia Addams perhaps) but we discussed it and my wife didn’t think it was a good idea. The neighbors will eventually know about me and she didn’t want them to think it was all a game.

The ironic thing is that for the first time in my life I am invited to a costume party. An excuse to dress up! Do you know how long the old me was waiting for just such an opportunity! But will have to pass for the same reason given above.

I don’t even know if I will get out this weekend and on this our tribes most important holiday.

Grease under my nails again as I spent an hour last night working on the vacuum operated light doors on the 76 Lincoln Mark IV. I think I finally found the leaking vacuum hose that was causing a terrible hissing noise when the lights were on. Sounded like a displeased cat trapped somewhere under the cavernous hood (bonnet to you British readers).

Bad news is that a brake line ruptured. The Mark has four wheel disk brakes with normally excellent stopping power. Have to get to my mechanic at lunch to have repaired….I can’t do everything you know.

Enough bitching, I am extremely blessed with great children, an understanding wife and some seriously cool parents. I hope you read the posts “Thanks Mom” and “Telling Dad”. The statistical probability of having two supportive parents makes me want to run out and by a lottery ticket. My heart is so much lighter having told them and in turn their acceptance of me….April.

Hugs

PS. Halloween themed pictures are works by Shag, (a favorite artist of mine) commemorating the 40th anniversary of Disney’s Haunted Mansion, which also happens to be my favorite Disney ride.

http://www.shag.com/

Thanks Mom

I have been blogging for a little while now and although my mom knew she had not read it. She does know about me.

She had recently bought a lap top and is busy discovering the internet in earnest. So I took a chance and emailed her the link to my blog.

The other day at work I received a reply, with trepidation I read it then began to cry.

I hope she does not mind but here is part of the message:

"I cannot imagine how much turmoil you must have been in, and still are, but giving voice, however one does it, is so important … I struggled along with your anger and frustration in one blog and wished I could have helped, so have cried and empathized along with you, as well as admiring the photos. I would be proud to introduce you as my daughter".

I will treasure these words forever.

Thanks Mom

Hugs,

April

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder

Please don’t expect any deep thoughts today, just an excuse to post some recent pictures.

I didn’t mention I also made it out for coffee on Sunday with Natasha. Too bad we were both so tired that we had to limit our chat to just under an hour. Another black outfit and no I was never a Goth. Actually I don’t know if Goths existed when I was a teenager, punks yes.

I don’t know if I am becoming more confident or just don’t care. No one in the coffee shop seemed to stare at us or pay us any undue attention. That is all any of us want just to be another woman free to live her life.

Finally installed the new carb on the 72 Mark IV, just in time for her to go into storage. It looked so beautiful it was almost a shame to bolt it on…almost. See girls can appreciate mechanical perfection too.

That under hood shot represents 920 combined cubic inches. Still waiting for my thank you note from OPEC.

The 76 Mark IV is being its usual maddening self, lots of minor glitches but always ready to do battle on the morning commute. I really need a new “old” shaft style radio. I replaced the original unit with a cheap cassette deck I had squirreled away years ago for my late lamented 70 Riviera GS. The cassette allows me to play the iPod but the FM reception is very poor and sometimes you just want to listen to the news.

Don’t get me started on fuel consumption, single digit, I need to give her a tune up this weekend which I am sure will improve performance and economy.

On the open road portion of my morning journey with the cruise control on it is heaven.

Hugs,

April

Confessions of a Night Hawk

Being tired is not pretty.

I have always been a night hawk; even if I don’t have anything to do I will end up staying up late. The late late late show kind of late.

Of course having children means that if you want to do anything be it paper work, exercise or trying to find out why the climate control system of your vintage seventies luxury car only blows hot air…the hours of darkness are your only option.

For years I have gotten by on three to four hours sleep. The idea that other mortals slept eight or more seemed completely alien me.

Time for a change, I am making a conscious effort to organize my time better, get more done and to paradoxically try to get to bed earlier. Age or perhaps the effect of the hormones is making burning the candle at both ends an increasingly difficult task.

In the meantime there is always Starbucks and music to fuel the sleep deprived mind. Speaking of which here is a faster live version of the Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.

PS. Watch closely and you will see a car just like mine!



Hugs,

April

Better than Red Bull

After a bit of a dry spell I was able to get out on Saturday evening. Natasha, Ashley and I went into the big city where there are venues that cater to a more cosmopolitan crowd. Not exactly my cup of tea and certainly not my kind of music. However, when in Rome…

I was able to inflict my choice of music on the girls in the car as I was the designated driver. We took my wife’s Chrysler Town & Country as it has the room and is easier to park and far more inconspicuous than a vintage Lincoln Mark IV.

I was very happy to be out as April and despite a late night I was so fully of energy the next day I didn’t feel tired at all. Raked leaves, washed cars, cleaned the gutters and other assorted tasks and chores. Now if going full time gives me that sort of boost every day I will be unstoppable.

These were my two favorite pictures, black sweater dress, black tights and two inch heels, left the four inch heels in the car.

Hugs,

April

Like Riding a Bike

I find that when I have not gone out for a couple of weeks (only two in this case) my confidence takes a real beating. I start to worry if I can possibly pass, can I put together an outfit that looks good? I almost want the outing to be cancelled, I worry and get all stressed out. I stop feeling like a woman and start feeling like an awkward guy again.

Right now it is a lot of work to go out. Make up, nails, shaving, carefully choosing an outfit beforehand. Also having young children means I cannot simply head out the door anytime I want. All outings have to be planned like a military operation and like as not I end up running late.

When I have gone out and I am happy with my presentation I feel like I can conquer the world in heels and that I am more than ready to go full time. I am bursting with happiness and confidence. The next time will be even easier…just like riding a bike.

Why did I include the above image, well I just love her smile, the model and the Cadillac Eldorado. I have one, the Eldorado silly. Such an imposing grill but friendly, almost like she is smiling at you.

Hugs,

April

Cars & Girls

I was never self conscious about my choice of car before but as April I have had the odd twinge of reluctance to be seen behind the wheels of some of my cars.

First of all they are all unique and I could be possibly outing myself to be seen en femme in any of them. Even on this blog I am wary to mention exactly what year car I am currently obsessing over as an errant Google search could quickly lead back to my male persona. So no photos or discussion of the Caddy or Stutz until I am out!

I have most frequently used my Corvette or Oldsmobile Toronado as C3 Corvettes are a common sight in the summer and the Toronado although quite rare seems to have a stealth quality about that rivals a Klingon warbird.

If I was truly paranoid I would stick to the late model Chrysler Town & Country minivan that is the primary family transport.

The Lincoln Continentals are great cars and I have even driven the 72 to an LGBT event (it made for quite an entrance) but the 76 gives me pause. Not because it is unreliable or too unique (it is dropped and riding on 20s) but because it is in desperate need of paint….basically she is looking a bit too ghetto for my taste. As a guy I was not too self conscious about her appearance, it gave the Mark a rat rod mystique and alerted other car fans this was a work in process and I did the work.

Not the message I wanted to send as April, I found myself at the gas station recently admiring a pretty grey and silver 79 Cadillac Seville. A perfect April car I caught myself saying or maybe a nice Jaguar XJS convertible might be a good choice…

For a car “guy” who prided “himself” on being an iconoclast and driving whatever “he” thought cool this was heresy. I am still far from confident as my female self and anything out of the ordinary or not typically feminine is something I try to avoid, like pulling up to Payless Shoes in a lowrider.

I know that I love cars whatever my gender and I have no intention of abandoning that part of myself when I transition. The intensity of that affair may diminish somewhat but I could no more deny that part of myself as I could go back into the closest so to speak.

Somewhere in here is a lesson about being true to oneself also I need to spruce up the Mark IV so it is mall ready. Did you know her metallic jade green almost matches my favorite MAC eye shadow?

Hugs

April

I Can’t F..king Take This S..t Anymore

The first thought that popped into my mind as I felt tears well up in my eyes. You would think something terrible happened. Actually nothing of the sort, simply that I was unable to go out last night.

It is not the going out part it is the ability to present fully as April. To be myself, to be who I long to be all the time. My much-anticipated end of the week reward, coffee with one or two girlfriends was cancelled.

A minor inconvenience to be sure but it had an emotional impact out of all proportion. I was very upset and angry at the same time. Not angry with anyone in particular but with the situation, with my inability to transition now!

I have played out this scenario too many times. I needed to tell someone why I felt this way and to take ownership of the anger and sadness. I wanted to yell that I was fed up with living 99% of my life as male when I am not one. I could no longer take my life as April doled out in tiny pieces.

Angry that I had worked hard all week and all weekend, that I deserved this! Was two or three hours as myself too much to ask the frakkin' universe? The emotional turmoil was a quick trip back into depression, a destination I had successfully avoided for a few weeks.

After a long sulk, I cooled down a bit, watched the season finale of Mad Men, and then went for a walk in the still autumn air. I like walking at night, so quiet though one does have to keep an eye out for skunks.

I used my walk to seek some reflection; the severity of my reaction should not have come as a surprise. The opportunity to go out serves to release the pressure of gender dysphoria. I find that even a brief sojourn as April has a beneficial effect that can last for days.

I wish I could say that this incident was a catalyst for immediate change, that I would go full time; unfortunately my job gets in the way. What to do, go back to being a guy…impossible. I know I cannot keep living as male nor can I exist in this in between state for much longer. The best I can do is to use this to spur me on to make my transition a reality.

Thanks for reading.

Hugs,

April

Hidden History

As a historian at heart or just a history geek, it was my undergrad degree after all; I am always looking for the background of things. The history of the cars I drive, the places I visit. Even in relatively young North America there is a wealth of fascinating history all around us laying just under the surface of everyday life.

Prior to the internet age being Trans generally meant a life in isolation. Just as the net has allowed us to discover each other and to find out we are not alone it is also bringing to light the history of our “tribe”.

I never fail to be amazed by those women and men who have had the courage and determination to transition in the past. It is damn hard now; I can hardly imagine the strength it took to be themselves in the fifties, sixties, seventies, even eighties.

Growing up I would scour every library I came across to learn more about my “condition”. There was such a dearth of material, a book here or there like scraps from some forgotten civilization. The lack of information mirrored my own life, a hidden history, which I dared not share with anyone.

I have talked about Roberta Cowell and April Ashley in the past and recommend you read their autobiographies.

http://www.changelingaspects.com/Life%20Stories/RobertaCowell/Roberta%20Cowell%20Story.pdf

http://www.antijen.org/Aprilv1/

I am most indebted to Elizabeth at Notes From the T Side for telling her story and for bring Harry Benjamin’s seminal work The Transsexual Phenomenon to a wider audience. Here are the links:

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

http://www.transgenderzone.com/downloads/ttphenom.pdf

Reading Harry’s book it is amazing to see both how much has changed and how little. Now there are understanding doctors and therapists, surgery is available across the continent and we no longer fear arrest and prosecution. However, the case histories mentioned shows that the heartbreak and joy are still the same.

Hugs,

April

Lookin’ for Trouble

No nothing is wrong; it is just that I promised I would post a link to Amanda Lear’s first single a cover of Elvis’ Trouble from the 1958 movie King Creole. Amanda’s version is “sung” in French, hence the title of her 1976 début single, La Bagarre.

Having fun driving the 2011 Mustang with the new 5.0 mill, on the way into work caught the sixties punk classics I Fought the Law by the Bobby Fuller Four and Dirty Robber by the Wailers. That has got to the closest I will get to experiencing what it would be like to purchase a new muscle car back in the day.

Very rainy couple of days here so thank goodness for the Mustang’s traction control, otherwise with all that power anything other than dry tarmac would really mean trouble.

Crazy morning making five lunches, then spouse and I herding everyone out the door, sometimes it feels that I have had a full day by the time I get to work. I am sure she does too.

Worked a little on the Mark IV in the rain, concerned about the custom four core rad I installed a number of years ago. Some of the delicate copper cooling fins had corroded, did a quick test this morning and looked ok but I will have to keep my eye on the coolant level. The big rad was necessary to keep the modified 460 V8 cool, despite a hood the size of an aircraft carrier there is not much room…its all taken up by engine.

Just in case you think you have stumbled on a car repair blog, a few Trans thoughts. I feel that there has been another subtle shift towards the feminine over the last week or two. Being April even when not presenting as such seems more natural, my thoughts and desires are as a woman. However, it is a tenuous thread, if I think too much about it that wonderful feeling of being her evaporates. I remain as impatient as ever to feel that way all the time.

Hugs,

April

Sleep Deprivation, Mustangs and a Must Read

Another wasted evening, I had plans to exercise, work on cars and finish the draft of an article for publication. I am sure other parents of young children can appreciate. After a relatively productive day at work I made it home for dinner (I was running late). By the time dishes were done, children readied for bed I was starting to crash. Mid way through the seven year olds bedtime story I started to mumble incoherently about contracts and blocking charts.

Once their lights were out I laid down (just for minute mind you) next thing I know I awoke with at start at midnight. I still had a disk to drop off! Hopped in the new 2011 Mustang GT (on loan…I am not made of money) to run my errand.

Nothing like 412 hp to wake you up! A CD of obscure soul and rockabilly added to the experience. You could get into so much trouble in this car and it is a good deal for the amount of performance under your heel(s).

Recharged slightly I decided to check e-mail and look up the stats on my blog…instead of doing something useful.

I took the opportunity of revisiting Elizabeth’s blog. I had a look earlier had had not been sure what to make of her story, reading from the beginning really opened my eyes. I know she must have more readers than me but I have to highly recommend (GO NOW) and read Notes from the T Side, an unassuming title but a riveting account of early transition not just in age but in era.

I am quite in awe of her and reading her amazing story does not make me regret my inability to transition earlier but fills me with hope for the future.

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

Two more photos from my weekend outing. Dorothy Parker said, “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." But I think ok in this one at least.

Hugs,

April

PS. To feel better I got up early this morning and did some work on the Mark IV’s washer system. Ford put the washer pump motor in the reservoir, it cracks washer fluid shorts out the motor…a little April re-engineering is in order.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving comes early in Canada. The big dinner with extended family was spent at my brother in laws. They of course don’t know yet, I expect they will by this time next year….perhaps even sooner than that.

I have used this blog as a form of catharsis that a private written diary could not provide and I have done my fair share of bitching.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for, a supportive spouse, loving children, a job, a home, parents who know and still love me.

Being Trans in no picnic and we naturally tend to focus on the stones in our pathway, the pain and the hurt.

Sometimes we need to remember what we have and not what we have lost or fear the loss of.

So big thanks to my family and to those of you have taken the time to read my mad ramblings, leave comments or send e-mails.

You are all in my prayers.

Big hugs,

April

PS. I did get out on the weekend for coffee with Marissa, I felt I did a good job on my makeup and I had a great time and was totally unselfconscious.

Miss Amanda Jones

Friday, amazingly it came around again. Long weekend and turkey day approaches here in the land of ice and snow or as my old history teacher at boarding school in the UK used to say…the colonies.

I am really looking forward to getting out with my girl friends after last week’s curtailed outing. Have to squeeze my girl time in between family outings on Saturday and Monday. Don’t forget a little car restoration, lawn care etc etc…

As Wed night was barren, Thursday evening was fruitful with work on rebuilding (re-engineering) the Lincoln’s Autolamp system, automatic dimmer using a photo electric eye, headlight delay and twilight on/off. NOS ones cost almost $400 if you can find one.

Even made it out for some exercise.

How about some more Amanda, think that would make a good middle name for me?
Ms. Lear has had an amazing life and career, from Le Carrousel in Paris to international disco queen, TV personality, artist etc. She also found the time to date a number of rock n’ rollers including the ill starred Brian Jones. In fact the Rolling Stones even recorded a song about her on the 1967 Between the Buttons album. The track has a definite Chuck Berry feel with Keith Richard’s trademark guitar sound. Miss Amanda Jones can be heard at the link below:




Down and down she goes, Amanda Jones
I said down and down and down and down
She'd look really lovely at home
Till somebody's going to come up and ask her
To live happily ever after
Miss Amanda Jones

On and on she goes, little Miss Amanda Jones
I said on and on and on and on
Just watch her as she grow
Don't want to say it very obviously
But she's losing her nobility
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, don't you realize the money invested in you?
Hey girl, you've just got to find someone who'll really pull your family through
Up and up she goes, Amanda Jones

I said up and up and up and up
She looks quite delightfully stoned
She's the darling of the discotheque crowd
Of her lineage she's rightfully proud
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, with your nonsense nose pointing right down to the floor
Hey girl, your suspender shows and the girl behind you looks a bit unsure
Round and round she goes, the world of Amanda Jones
I said round and round and round and round
The balls and the dinners and shows
The little girl she just wanders about
Till it's time for her coming out
Miss Amanda Jones
Round and round and round

Hugs,

April

More Notes From Suburbia…a continuing series

This girl clearly cannot handle her booze. I had a full evening planned work on cars and work on the computer….so what did I get accomplished nothing. I fell asleep and even slept in this morning. The half glass of wine I had with dinner was not a good idea….

Parent/teacher night at school, late dinner, homework with the children, bed time….I am beat. By the time they are off to school in the morning I feel as if I have put in a full day even before I have made it to work. Any GG’s reading will no doubt say welcome to womanhood that’s what being a mom is all about.

As I have said before, family and work responsibilities leave little time for anything other than sleep. In my misspent youth I was able to burn the candle at both ends and work in the garage late into the night.

It so frustrating , I need to make the time for all the issues surrounding transition but by the end of the day I am exhausted, not sure if it is just my schedule or a by product of the HRT. I am not giving up, I will just have to be more creative and keep myself motivated.

I had a terrible time remaining focused at work the last few months, things are a little better. I am not sure if it is more immediate deadlines or I am finally getting my mind back on track.

Construction has forced me to take a new route to work, after six years of taking the very same roads it feels really odd….I know you are saving wow can her life get any more exciting, can she take any more daring risks.

It is Thanksgiving weekend coming up here in the Dominion, we get a jump on our friends to the south. I love Turkey but of course have to watch what I eat. As of today my weight is exactly what Dr. O said it should be for surgery. I wish that was the only prerequisite for SRS and FFS.

My wife has been kind enough to call me April around the house more, a wonderful feeling when I hear my “real” name, like the sun breaking through a cloudy sky.

A little music to see you through to Friday, Blood & Honey by Amanda Lear. Despite her on and off again denials, Amanda is one of us. I get the impression she does not like to be reminded of that fact. As a woman since her surgery in the early sixties she has that right.

You can read more here:
http://zagria.blogspot.com/2008/07/amanda-lear-1939-performer.html

What Is Wrong With Me?

No I don’t mean being Trans, I am at peace with who I am and what I have to do to be myself.

By wrong I mean why am I not doing the things I need to do to make my female dreams a reality.

First and foremost I need a new job as I cannot transition where I am. True I am very busy in my current position, family responsibilities and cars but I have not made the time to search out that new job.

Am I afraid no one will want me?

Afraid I will end up in another job I cannot transition in and therefore right back to where I started?

Am I using my current position as a security blanket? The familiar status quo where I feel safe and more importantly “HE” feels safe. If “HE” keeps working there April will have to remain in the shadows and “HE” remains in control.

I need to finish the restoration on one of my collector cars, its sale would help pay for FSS and SRS. Am I afraid to finish and then sell as the car defines who I am as a man?

Putting off its completion as it helps him keep April in no man’s land.

Afraid that a new job and the funds for surgery will mean the end of my comfortable suburban family life and my safe and unquestioned existence as a man.

Wow, that is enough questions for now.

Hugs,

April

Right Woman for the Job?

OMG the shoes I could have bought for the same money! Just got the 76 Mark IV back ($$$) C6 trans was partially rebuilt with a new torque convertor, runs smoother now, more responsive and should be better on fuel. Spent a portion of last night laying in the rain reattaching an exhaust hanger. It is still raining here; I mean really I just cleaned the Lincoln’s rims again last night.

So I am thinking while laying in the rain, water dripping in my eyes as it runs down the side of the car….what the heck am I doing, really isn’t this a job for some guy. Don’t get me wrong I think women (actually everyone) should know how their car works and be able to sort out minor repairs and maintenance in a pinch.

It is just that I no longer want to play the bloke as Jenny might say, I hate getting grease under my nails and imbedded in my skin. I still like cars, scratch that LOVE cars I just want to drive them and wax them now and then. Also being a passenger is not so bad…just let me control the radio.

One point of concern post transition is will I not be able to engage in the occasional car repair if still want to. Will I be going too much against societal stereotypes? Will I have to keep my shameful hands on car restoration hidden behind garage doors?

Well I will cross the bridge when I come to it. Right now I am off to clean my nails.

Hugs,

April

Where Did My Weekend Go?

So busy on the weekend, cleaning, shopping, cooking (chocolate chip pancakes…yes I wore an apron), the children’s activities and sports, visiting family.

Don’t worry car stuff too, more disassembly of the Toronado’s sun roof mechanism. Results in a nut shell, leak is not the result of something broken or rusted but rather a design flaw. I am hoping that a new seal will cut down on any water getting past drain troughs. No time to install new carb on the Mark IV.

Sorting out Halloween costumes for the children, so far one Vampire and one princess and the oldest cannot decide between a black cat and Bellatrix from Harry Potter.

The weather is turning cold, walked the girls to school this morning and it was chilly. Sure in a few months these few degress above freezing will feel like a tropical heat wave. Sometimes I wonder why anyone lives above the 49th parallel. I give you all permission to go back to wearing pantyhose.

Planned to go out Sunday evening.....quickly selected an outfit did my nails and got ready. Had epilated the night before. Last minute cancellation meant I was all dressed up and no where to go. To late for the mall and would not even dream about going to a bar alone. Gave up went home and watched Mad Men with my, oh so patient wife and had tea and brownies.

I liked my makeup and outfit (black dress pants, silver top and a white sweater with a fur collar) but it just didn't come across in photos. Perhaps my coloring requires a darker choice of clothes? Also still getting some shadow, lots of hair gone with the laser sessions but dormant ones coming through, looking forward to getting rid of all of them!!!!

Didn't like any of my photos I just didn't feel feminine enough last night, was it the outfit or just the rush to get ready and then being disappointed. Makeup was ok and clothes nice but something was missing, especially compared to last week…. sometimes it is just how you feel.

My oldest daughter was very sweet this morning asking if she could help me pick out an outfit next week. That made up for a lot.

Hugs,

April

Impatience

I know that more time on hormones and more experience being out as a woman would be a good thing but I cannot help wanting to go full time NOW!

I would have gladly spoken with HR if I worked in a larger company that had a policy regarding such matters. Unfortunately I work in a predominantly male environment that if I were to come out as transgendered would mean the end of my career.

I need to change jobs, which still means time proving myself to my new employer before even thinking of transitioning on the job. Got to make myself invaluable first! More delays…

The façade is starting to crumble, if I don’t set myself even little transition goals or have some girl time to look forward to depression rushes in to fill the void.

Last night it reared its ugly head and I gladly let it wrap me in its suffocating blanket of self pity and hopelessness. Better this morning but still down and gender dysphoria was getting up to speed.

Morning commute, I glance over to the car on my right a blond is quickly fixing her make up in the rear view mirror, my heart catches and I am overwhelmed with envy and longing but not the kind she thinks when our eyes meet.

Felt a panic attack coming on the way to work but held it together and dried the tears by the time I pulled into the parking lot.

Just have to tell myself this is temporary…it does get better…

http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

Hugs,

April