Oh but we are the playthings of fortune. I have been reluctant to update the blog as I have been down in the dumps. But dear reader you get me for better or worse.
It seems a cruel joke that having finally found a position that will accept me I am in danger of loosing my job. A major client has not paid and the company is in danger of running out of operating capital and hence my predicament.
I cannot bear the thought of looking for another job, who will hire me (a freak) , I will have to cut my hair (I cannot tell you how loath I am to contemplate this), postpone transition. Do I transition anyway, I fear my job prospects starting out as April will be next to nil.
Or just take the easy road of societal acceptance and remain male, anesthetize myself with cars and antidepressants
It is not to say that these things must come to pass but it is too close to call.
Ah the $64,000 dollar question. I should be happy I told my boss and I still have my job, there is technically nothing stopping me going full time tomorrow.
Except I promised "J" that I would wait till school is finished in five weeks or so. Not that I am planning to transition that soon anyway, September seems to be a more fortuitous month.
I was asked the question that is the title of this post earlier this evening by my wife. She is right my happiness at the great news has been muted, I have been quick to anger, overly emotional and perhaps a little depressed.
Nevertheless I have experienced a great deal of relief and have the energy to begin planning for my future again. But not happy.
It is fear I believe, fear that the road ahead will be even more difficult than the gruelling emotional journey that got me to this point.
Fear that doubt may be returning, I owe it to myself and others to be sure of my motivation. I hesitate to express these thoughts as I do not wish to be considered wanting. "see I told you "he" was not really transsexual". I want this blog to be as honest as I try to be with myself.
Do I have second thoughts, no I cannot go back to the way things were. I cannot live a managed male existence. I could try and maybe even succeed for a short while but there lies madness and self destruction.
Rather it is fear of future emotional, personal and financial pain that has dulled my joy.
It is the fear of a loss of anonymity. As a cis gendered male I wore a virtual invisibility cloak, I could pass through the sea of society without being noticed.
As a trans woman that anonymity vanishes and I put my true self on display for the world to see. There is no where to hide.
Up until recently when out as April I wore a wig, I looked nothing like my male self. I could have walked right by a friend or neighbour and they would be hard pressed to recognize me.
My natural hair is longer (not long enough yet) and I am once again self conscious about going out. I can no longer hide behind that disguise. I am forced to share myself with the world. Now that is scary.
Like the proverbial dog who finally catches the car they have been chasing…now what do I do?
It has been a somewhat surreal day, yesterday I told my boss. It went well, in fact better than I could ever possibly imagine. The momentous event, the last major hurdle to going full time, the one thing I had been obsessing over and dreading for months now.
Today was spent driving around the furthest reaches of the city in the sudden summer heat attending meetings. Total guy drag, grey suit and fresh white shirt. One business acquaintance who I had not seen since last year remarked on how did I grow so much hair. Tired from yesterday by the time I made it home late this afternoon I felt as if I was going to collapse.
It is now late Friday night/Saturday morning but I have recovered enough to jot down my thoughts.
We had a company meeting yesterday and the tension of the past few weeks had lifted with some good business news about one of our largest clients. I had been working hard to generate my own positive news for the company but this struck me as the perfect opportunity to speak with him now that the pressure was off and the "problem" at hand could have his undivided attention.
I asked to speak with him privately that evening, no he said lets talk now, there was no way I was going to bare my soul in the middle of a parking lot. I told him I would call after dinner to arrange a place and time and no it was not about money or me quitting. No doubt he was still freaked out, what was wrong was I sick, family member sick, going to die?
After dinner I call, he wants to talk over the phone, again I insist I must see him in person. Earlier in the day I had prepared a file with an article on transsexualism, my camh letter and some photos. So where to meet, neutral ground was important, I blurted out the name of a local watering hole as it was the first thing to come to mind. A few minutes later I raced down the highway I wanted to get there first to snag a quiet booth, I pulled off the highway and there he was ahead of me on the overpass.
The bar was packed but the crowd worked to my advantage as it was so noisy with folks watching the hockey game (don't ask me who was playing) we could have a relatively private conversation without anyone listening in.
I asked first if he had any idea why I wanted to speak with him, no, he wasn't going to make it easy on me. I asked him to read my camh letter, at one point he looked up from the letter and I could not read his reaction. I tensed up my nerves already wound tight and my heart in overdrive. He asked for explanations of gender dysphoria and SRS.
I would not have told him or even joined the company had I not had a feeling he would be supportive. We have known each other for almost a decade now but still when it comes to this of all things, the reaction of our friends and loved ones can sometimes be very difficult to predict and so often we imagine only the worse possible outcomes.
To his ever lasting credit he basically said it was no big deal, that we can deal with it and that he was there to support me. He reiterated that ones health, family and work were what was most important and in that order. So after some discussion of my history, the mechanics of transition and my intention to go full time this year it turned into a regular business meeting where we discussed new developments and how to move the company forward.
A great outcome and all it cost me was the bar tab for all those martinis ;)
I am confident I can do my job and do it better as April.
I am finally free to consider the practical realities of going full time. It all hasn't quite sunk in yet. I know there are further challenges ahead but I feel as if an immense weight has been lifted and once again I can contemplate the future with some hope.
The production team behind Iron Sky has released a new trailer. See below.
I love alternate history (in this case alternate history meets alternate future). Space Nazi's from the dark side of the moon I cannot wait!!!! Nazi's evacuate earth in 1945 and set up a secret base on the moon to re-invade earth in 2018. Thank God President Palin will be in charge by then.
http://www.ironsky.net/site/
Another great Nazi themed horror movie is 2008's Outpost, available on line. It was well received and an Outpost sequel "Black Sun" is in the works. Zombies mixed with esoteric, occult fascism.
http://www.facebook.com/OutpostBlackSun
I will refer you to John J Reilly's great alt history site for some mind blowing book reviews on occult Nazism and the truth is stranger than fiction life of Francis Parker Yockey. What an opening line…
"Francis Parker Yockey was born in Chicago in 1917 and committed suicide in 1960, when the FBI finally caught him. He dedicated his life to reversing the outcome of the Second World War, a project he believed could be accomplished by 2050".
http://www.johnreilly.info/dod.htm
http://www.johnreilly.info/blasu.htm
To steal a line from Jake Blues, "I hate space Nazi's"
Another step forward, I went out the other night with no wig. On Friday when I saw my therapist I wore what I usually wear around the house when I work at home. Jeans, top, bra and a little makeup or jewellery.
I felt great as I thought I looked ok, not fully like a guy in a dress. I was not as happy with my look Saturday night, casual but more makeup and more time spent on my hair. It certainly is long, well past the length I ever had it before. I don't think I will feel confident until it is they length of the wig I usually wear. I also want my hairline moved when I go for FFS. Thanks to "J" for help with styling and make up!
First photo is only mascara and eyeliner second photo in black top is full makeup, foundation etc. I know I do this "pose" all the time…it is my blue steel. Comments good or bad welcome.
I was out for coffee with girlfriend Marissa and I was very calm and surprisingly not self conscious or any more than usual.
When I finally get it long enough brunette or perhaps black in colour.
Lots of rain this weekend, children's activities, house cleaning, finally watched the King's Speech. Did you all catch Chaz Bono on Oprah OWN Network? Sensitively told and I was especially moved by his early childhood memories.
tomorrow Space Nazis...
Check out Victoria De Mare (horror movie actress) new 45 produced by the legendary and very weird Kim Fowley. Couldn't find a You Tube link so listen as part of Mal's garage punk podcast #34 here:
http://feeds2.feedburner.com/MalThursdayShow
Speaking of childhoods memories, I always wanted a "banana" bike like a Schwinn Stingray but by the time I was old enough to ride a two wheeler these bikes were out of fashion and could not be found for sale at the local hardware store. Yep I still want one!
It is illegal for Saudi Women to drive. I have a lot of issues with any religious theocracy but the right to private transportation is as anyone reading this blog night guess, very important to me.
The freedom of movement is closely tied to the functioning of democracy. No tyranny can survive when its people are free to go where they want. The introduction of affordable automobiles to the west (thanks Henry) changed our society forever.
Can you imagine how isolated you would feel being unable to go anywhere unless a male relative or chauffeur (an expense few can afford) is available to drive you in your own car!
Saudi women with international drivers licences are planning to start driving on mass on June 17th. For this act of defiance they risk job loss, arrest, travel bans and branded as harlots by Wahhabi clerics.
I wish them success in changing the kingdom's laws and perhaps this will signal the start of a peaceful revolution that will lead to equality and democracy.
fair waring, lots of car stuff follows with a pithy segue back to trans issues.
I was up early yesterday to drive to the industrial city of Hamilton to get a front end alignment done on the Electra. The old alignment shop I had used to patronize had to my chagrin closed , the owner retired…I guess it had been a while since I had been there…six or seven years as it turns out.
The new shop was near the harbour in the heart of the steel mills. It was a beautiful morning and even this part of the city looked bright and new in the spring sunshine. I made good time as I was running against traffic and flew over the Skyway bridge at 80 plus mph.
The Electra had developed a pronounced pull to the left at speed making driving rather unpleasant. I had a sneaking feeling that the tires, of indeterminate age, might be to blame.
A quick inspection at the shop revealed the front end to be tight and the mechanic
pronounced the Electra in excellent shape underneath (thanks original owner) and that the culprit was my first guess a bad right side tire.
I decided to drive home on the lakeshore road instead of the highway. Later that day I jacked the car and removed the offending tire. Once off the car a very bad bulge could be seen in the tread area. I am lucky I did not have a blow out at speed or my road to womanhood would have been in a hearse.
Getting the wheel off was a bit of a problem as the car had cheap replacement chrome lug nuts, I am sure GM never used these as original equipment. One of the nuts would only spin when a tire iron was applied.
Turns out that the shiny part was just a stainless steel shell over a standard open nut. Years of on and off again had distorted the shell making it spin around the steel nut and making the wheel impossible to remove. I managed to split the shell and pry it off with a scream driver so I could then get a ratchet on the nut .
I will invest in a new set of tires and nuts but to keep the Electra mobile I fitted a spare tire and Buick mag rim I just had stashed away in the garden shed. Sometimes it does pay to be an automotive pack rat. The tire and wheel was the spare from my dearly departed 1970 Riviera GS and the rim itself I believe dated back to my first car, a 1971 Buick Centurion convertible.
I even had a good used mag wheel centre cap to replace the original faded one. It had for the last few months served as a paper weight on my desk. A test drive showed the Buick to now drive and brake in a straight line.
How long had that wheel cap waited in a box in the garage then as a paper weight, now part of a functional automobile again after all these many years. Perhaps like that part those of us transitioning will have the benefit of a second act in our lives.
I know the role I am auditioning for.
Super tired today as 'J" and I were up talking very late, subjects both deep and trivial, like old times.
Like attracts like. Picture with the Allante is from Mother's day, both examples of GM luxury all be it from different decades in the appropriate setting of a country club parking lot.
Summer is almost upon us so lets have some Beach Boys.
I so often get bogged down in the terrible drama and angst of changing genders…or rather claiming the right one. Make no mistake it is the most socially subversive and difficult thing you can do.
On my calmer days, those rare occasions when I am comfortable and at peace with myself I often think what is the big deal, why should I worry about what everyone else thinks. I am lucky to live in a free and democratic society and it is my choice and mine alone as to who I am and how I choose to live. I must be channeling the true me, as my therapist describes her, ruthless but compassionate.
Now if I could just find a balance between the angst and Pollyannaish declarations of freedom I will be fine.
As I wrote to a friend the other day my worries over my job, business deals and the companies survival (let alone supporting my family, keeping the house etc if my job was too disappear) overshadowed if not outweighed the fear about coming out to my boss. All of a sudden I was snapped out of my paralysis of fear, I know I can tell him now and let the chips fall where they may.
I cannot go back, it I have to find a new job it will be as April, brave words I know. The title of this post is apropos as I have often said going full time is not burning your ship on the shore but the nuke the planet from space option. I am saving that clip from Aliens for the day I go 24/7.
Now I just have to catch him in a good mood. Give me a couple of weeks, stay tuned.
Saturday night I was able to get out a local GLBT dance, new Japanese themed dress from Le Chateau.
Hugs,
April
Is that a Hatori Hanso sword or are you just glad to see me?
I feel that my life is at a crossroads, the time has come to tell my employer, the gateway to me going full time sooner rather than (much) later.
To say nothing and preserve the status quo, that road sees me cut my hair and put April on ice (a 45 right between the eyes for that pushy broad) or perhaps try and integrate her into my predominantly male life. I think it is all or nothing, living only for those stolen moments as my true self would be too painful.
The other road sees me open my arms to the possibilities of the universe, the real fear of financial ruin, public scorn and loss of a relatively comfortable middle class existence. The promise of success and the joy of becoming the woman I was supposed to be.
I liked that much better than walking by the Stop n' Shop
because I had the radio on
Truer words have never been spoken
Random Thoughts from Suburbia
My up and down emotions had me in depressive valley yesterday, down about work and the worry concerning telling my boss. I think coming out to someone important is like an earthquake. The pressure builds and builds over time until the force of the truth must finally be released. I have tried to be cool and detached but as events at other companies have conspired to ruin all my best laid plans the time to tell has come whether I want it or not. I cannot wait any longer, the day is imminent, acceptance or ruin.
My fears about the toll my transition is taking on my wife's emotional well being are well founded. As usual when depressed I stayed up too late, this time we ended up talking instead of sleeping. Again she encouraged me to seek pharmacological help, we have drifted apart and neither can continue on the path we are on without breaking down. Although not her intention our discussion makes me feel terribly guilty, if it were not for the children I would wish to travel back in time and erase our meeting. To allow her to find someone normal and not the flawed person she ended up with.
On past occasion I will think can I put all this all behind me and try once again to live as a normal man, husband and father. Is it a sacrifice that could remain permanent? Would it save things? Our talk does not cause any of these doubts to return but rather reinforces my decision, my transsexual status all the more clear through the hurt of her own memories of our life together.
Lets switch gears, Magda Goebbels. I made the mistake of watching the excellent German film Downfall, earlier this week. The story of the last days of Hitler as Berlin falls to the final assault by the Red Army. I have always been fascinated by the end of things, nations, ideologies, even corporations. The disillusion of the Confederacy, the defeat of the Third Reich even the end of the Packard Motor Company. A list GM almost found themselves on recently.
The scene where Mrs. Goebbels, a true believer in National Socialism to the bitter end poisons her five children was almost too much to watch and I wept. Despite its intensity I would still recommended it highly. The eldest daughter Helga sensed what was coming and tried to resist.
I bumped into an old work colleague the other day at the Chapters book store. We were both looking at the hot rod magazines, he hadn't recognized me, not thinking I said hello. He appeared shocked, no I was not en femme, but my hair, the weight I had lost (not that much I thought) and the changes in my face brought about by hormones obviously threw him for a loop. We talked about business and cars but I could tell my appearance was a distraction.
Amazing election results here in the land of ice and snow an unnecessary (and dangerous to the economy) election called by the Liberal party to defeat the Conservative minority government resulted in a large Conservative victory, the New Democrats supplanting the Liberals as the official opposition. Speaking of the end of things the Liberals were reduced to only 30 plus seats and the separatist Bloc Quebecois party almost fades into oblivion. I have no doubt the Liberals will be back.
So not a bad week in the news, especially as the mass murder Bin Laden is also consigned to the dust bin of history. A Navy Seal dispatched him with a "double tap" to the head…shades of Zombieland.
I had a wonderful afternoon and evening on Sunday.
Ashley had invited me to a HOPE and local Pride Day lunch planning session. Proving there is no such thing as a free lunch we both volunteered or was it dragooned into helping out with this year's events.
After lunch we dropped by the mall for a quick bit of window shopping and wishing for an unlimited clothing budget. Then off to see an other girl friend in Hamilton and finally dinner. Back home by an incredibly yearly 9:00 PM.
True to form I stayed up way too late returning e-mails and redrafting a work agreement. My company was supposed to film today but it looks like the shoot will be scrubbed due to rain.
Oh and we met a Supermodel, Enza that is. Enza "Supermodel" Anderson is a trans activist, writer and banker. I remember seeing her on television when she ran for mayor of Toronto. Her motto was "A Super City Deserves a Super Model!" Now I find myself next to her having lunch. It was great to meet her in person, she is very down to earth and committed to making a difference.
Hugs,
April
OK I am going to totally geek out here and post the trailer for The Deathly Hallows Part 2:
