Year One: The Darker the Night, the Brighter the Stars

It has been a year full time, WOW… time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like bananas

Thanks to all who commented on my prior post or took the time to send me a private message. It made a world of difference and picked up my spirits considerably.

I wanted to post earlier but I had a couple of magazine article deadlines to meet. They pay thank god but almost as important was the delight in being busy and productive.

I had this post ready to go a week ago but things changed and my positive attitude took a vacation. I had my one year meeting with CAMH and although it went well for the most part I was very discouraged to learn that it would be a year before surgery, assuming I am judged eligible.

I should have expected such a delay but I had foolishly gotten my hopes up . It was all I could do not to cry during the meeting. Tears of frustration flowed freely on my drive out of the city. The faithful Seville found its own way home.

I know a year is not a life sentence but I am feeling very trapped in this limbo. A year full time has intensified the desire to transition fully. The flames of desire fanned to an inferno. Hormones have made a great difference but I cannot look at my body and feel whole.

I am climbing back out of my funk but it has taken a few days. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

A few random thoughts on transitioning a year in:

•  Unfailingly identify with female protagonist in novels, movies and television.

•  No fear out in public, I expect to pass wherever I am 

•  Ability to laugh off accidentally outing myself or when my children do it but NO tolerance when others do it.

• I have largely avoided discussions of sexuality on this blog, readers maybe able to read between the lines though. I would consider myself a heterosexual female, this year has cemented those feelings.

• Some of the old fighting spirit coming back. At first I felt that to pass as female meant being as unobtrusive and neutral as possible. As I have become more comfortable passing I have felt freer to speak my mind….well as much as a polite Canadian can possibly speak their mind.

•  Guys think it is cool when a woman knows about cars. Best quote from a show where I had my Caddy on display, “a woman like you is every guys dream”. LOL

• Pictures of myself are not as important as they were, it is who I am all the time now.

So what else has been going on in my corner of the Dominion, children are back at school and already getting their first colds of the season, sold my 72 Lincoln Mark IV, more like traded with some cash in my favour. More about the Continental’s replacement next week, all I will say is that it has four more cylinders and hails from Coventry. The Thunderbird I swapped for my Toronado for has also arrived at long last.

I have been reading an excellent history of female SOE agents dropped into occupied France. A Life in Secrets: Vera Atkins and the Missing Agents of WWII by Sarah Helm. Most engaging book I have read in a decade. Highly recommended. Not only an amazing history but a detective story to find the "true" story.

Those unlucky enough to be betrayed met their fate in the notorious Ravensbrück or Dachau concentration camps.

I am humbled by the bravery of these women when it was not expected of them at that time. We who aspire to the title of woman would dishonor their memory by living timid lives in an era of relative peace.

Hugs,

April