ANGER

Sometimes it overwhelms me and threatens drown what I hope is the good person inside of me.

I think I have managed to keep a positive attitude despite personal and employment issues. I can remember how far I have come and how lucky I am to have many supportive friends and family.

But sometimes the old me flames back into being, the old me… always angry/sad/miserable… I take each minor setback to heart and bile floods my soul.  Dear constant reader that corrosive anger is like a drug, I used to draw my strength from it, the fuel of my ambition and a necessity to get me through the day.

I would hazard a guess many transsexuals have that same self hating anger as a crutch. The original concept of anger (wrath) as one of the seven deadly sins meant anger directed externally as well as internally.

Part of me welcomes its return with open arms, so familiar and so comforting. Yes it whispers, hate the world, no one loves you,  you are freak.

Clearly I have written this post more than a few times over my journey, the telling helps exorcise the demons, thanks for listening everyone.

As the villager said in Monty Python's Holy Grail, she turned me into a newt but I am much better now…

 Hugs,

April

 

First Post SRS Car Wash

I will take success where I can.

Today I vacuumed and washed both my Cadillac Seville and Buick Electra. Always a work out but I managed it. I also installed a new dash in the Seville to replace the original that had cracked, hey it is almost thirty years old!

I saved a blue dash from an 82 Seville last summer and had dyed it red (using leather shoe dye) to match my interior. Kudos to Cadillac for making it an easy job to replace, only eight bolts and four Phillips head screws. 

Took the Electra (love that name, just rolls of the tongue) for a spin around the block, OMG forgot how wonderfully smoooooth and powerful and large. 

Fun Facts:

• According to classical mythology Electra was the daughter of King Agamemnon and and Queen Clytemnestra who took revenge against her mother and stepfather Aegisthus for the murder of their father, Agamemnon.

• The Phillips head screw was invented by Henry F. Phillips of Portland Oregon. The importance of the crosshead screw design lies in its self-centering property. One of the first customers, in 1937, was  GM for its Cadillac assembly-lines.

• At 233.3 inches (5,926 mm) long the 75 & 76 Electras are the biggest Buicks ever made.

• GM designer Wayne Kady was responsible for both the 1976 Buick Electra and the 1981-1985 "bustle back" Cadillac Seville. 

 Hugs,

April


ohhhhh Johnny....

GMS (Girl Maintenance Schedule)

Today is the anniversary of my first month dilating or as we shall now call it GMS (girl maintenance schedule). Natasha I liked your acronym so much I shall now call it mine.

I get to go down from dilating four times a day to three, which means every minute of the day does to seem to be dominated by ones GMS. Downside is that I have to now use the next size larger….owwww.

#3 is a light green colour, perhaps I will call this one Kermit, because you know its not easy being green.

GMS time per session increases from twenty to thirty minutes. Five minutes for #1 (statutory grape), ten minutes for #2 (blue meenie) and fifteen minutes for Kermit. Sitz baths twice a day continue for another month.

I am feeling better and can get out and about more. I even attended a dinner party last Thursday, my inflatable donut was my date.

On Monday I drove for about forty minutes to visit my father and to check on my 59 Cadillac, which is currently in his garage complex. It was a good visit but I find I tend to over do it then pay for it the next day feeling super tired.

Tensions are high at home with “J” needless to say. Divorce looks to be finalized soon and then matter of house and me moving. You probable guessed I will be having some storage issues. But that is a story for another day.

Doing my best to remain positive and to focus on job search.

 Hugs,

April