Sometimes it overwhelms me and threatens drown what I hope is the good person inside of me.
I think I have managed to keep a positive attitude despite personal and employment issues. I can remember how far I have come and how lucky I am to have many supportive friends and family.
But sometimes the old me flames back into being, the old me… always angry/sad/miserable… I take each minor setback to heart and bile floods my soul. Dear constant reader that corrosive anger is like a drug, I used to draw my strength from it, the fuel of my ambition and a necessity to get me through the day.
I would hazard a guess many transsexuals have that same self hating anger as a crutch. The original concept of anger (wrath) as one of the seven deadly sins meant anger directed externally as well as internally.
Part of me welcomes its return with open arms, so familiar and so comforting. Yes it whispers, hate the world, no one loves you, you are freak.
Clearly I have written this post more than a few times over my journey, the telling helps exorcise the demons, thanks for listening everyone.
As the villager said in Monty Python's Holy Grail, she turned me into a newt but I am much better now…
Hugs,
April
No. You are not the only one.
ReplyDeleteKeep talking about it. It loses more power each time you do so.
Feel better, sis.
== Cass
Sisterhood of the Newt
ReplyDeleteOh, I hope you feel less pissed off very soon!
ReplyDeleteI like newts... but seriously I hope it passes, and diminishes a little each time.
ReplyDeleteFor one thing honey, you are not a freak! We are conditioned to believe that from those haters in this world whom do not understand/ignorant to whom we are. It takes a little effort through positive reaffirmation from ourselves, also known as self talk, to focus on the positive and less on the negative.
ReplyDeleteSome times we have to change more of whom we are than what we thought was going to be needed, both physically and mentally. Personally, I changed careers, houses, and friends which allows me to be me without the stigma of my history creeping up and biting me in the ass at an in opportune time. Some use the word stealth to describe this life style, I just think of it as living the life I always wanted.
You know yourself to be a woman, you look, act, and from what I have read, talk like one too. You are re-affirmed that every time you meet a person whom is not aware of your history.
Focus on the positive.