From reading of others experiences it seems to be a common occurrence. Friends or family members initially express support but as the "shock" sets in they find their true voice and condemn your actions.
I have been heartened by the great support I have had leading up to going full time, however yesterday I leaned that my brother in law and his family as well as "J's" mother do not want to see me. I am not welcome at Thanksgiving or the internment service for "J's" father, who I admired and loved.
I was particularly upset to learn that "J's" brother was angry and compared me to a cheating spouse who would not be welcome in their home…ever. That if I really had to do this I should wait another decade until all the children were in university.
I had initially thought that they were accepting or at least neutral on the subject. I can understand how my transition is a shock and that it may take some time for those close to me to understand.
It seems at least in my brother in laws case I have already been expelled from the family and like some out of favour Soviet general airbrushed from all official photographs.
"J's" family was my family, since I had few close relatives in Canada and it hurts to be excluded. I am still luckier than most in this same situation but it will hurt when the rest of the family gathers including "J" and the children but I cannot attend. I will make some excuse about meetings or filming.
On a more positive note today is my last day presenting as male….holy cow
I have to give credit to Genni for the cleaver post title.
Monday and Tuesday were typical work days, the search for financing for our modest enterprise, which feels a lot like banging my head against a wall.
I wish work was going better, I could really do do with some more constants in my life.
New Cadillac is being frustrating, I cannot solve the no start condition, car is getting spark and fuel… perhaps a ECM fault? Pills must be working as usually I would be beside myself obsessing about the problem. Anyone out there familiar with mid eighties Cadillac fuel injection?
I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will have to do all these things as April….speak to mechanics, buy parts at Napa or Canadian Tire.
Another reminder that everything changes on Friday was a conversation with a potential client this morning, let's meet Monday he says? Yikes…I guess it will be April going to that meeting, sure you don't want to do that Thursday?
"J " very kindly arranged for us both to have our hair done at a salon in Niagara Falls on Friday. I am a little worried how it will turn out as hair is so important to ones look and ability to pass.
I wanted to leave getting my hair done, eyebrows thinned and ears pierced until the last minute so that there would be a definite visual change between 'him" and April come the big day.
Somewhat confident, determined and scared.
Overall the feeling is of excitement and impatience. Bittersweet too as the old me disappears, "J" asked if I felt sad at no longer being a husband.
I said I would blog daily up till the big day but you get a combined post for Saturday and Sunday.
So far I have received three out five replies from the car guy friends I e-mailed late on Friday, all very kind and supportive.
"J" had a similar response when she let a number of the neighbours on our little corner of suburbia know about me. Bear in mind that almost everyone on the street has young children. She also spoke with the last of our close family and that went well too.
Two other incidents to report, "J" and I were standing at the end of the drive and a neighbour from down the street drove by and said hi girls, mistaking me for another woman who lives on the same street.
After "J" told a friend at church about me, she confessed that she thought I might have been F to M who had stopped taking testosterone. HA, I will take that as a compliment.
I spent a good part of the weekend rushing to complete some guy related tasks. Not that I cannot do them as April but…. Did I mention when "J" told many of the neighbours while I was is serious dirty guy mode feet sticking out of the Mark IV's trunk.
I replaced the vacuum headlight switch on the Lincoln and removed the door panels to install new speakers (not an easy job, requiring a little creative fabrication) and test fit the new "vintage eighties" stereo.
New plugs and wires for the Seville, but now she won't start, sigh. Original owner told me she would do that when damp. However she has started fine in the rain for me. Cannot find anything I disconnected and no trouble codes except 52, which is ECM reset indicator, from disconnecting the battery.
I also cleared out the area behind the garden shed, six doors, two front fenders and two trunk lids, all from 1959 Cadillacs. I have been holding onto these parts since I was 16, they came as a package (along with a ton of other spares) with my 59 series 62 convertible. I sold off a few body panels last summer and these were the last and rustiest.
In preparation for calling the scrap man I removed the last usable chrome and stainless trim from the panels, surprisingly everything came off rather easily, even the beautifully delicate Fleetwood letters. To think the last time most of these parts had been touched was by a Cadillac auto worker 53 years ago at the Clark Avenue plant in Detroit.
It is as if they sensed this was there last chance to live on and the rusted bolts and fasteners gave up without a fight.
Photo is of a 59 Caddy, the Cyclone show car though.
I walked my children and their friends to school today, felt rather like a mother duck in the rainy weather we have been having.
The Seville' s prior owner warned me about the cars tendency to not want to start in the damp. So far she has fired up every time for me. I wanted to demonstrate the wonderful "Symphony Sound" to "J" when I attempted to show her nothing but static. Doh!
Blast one day and the radio quits. Consulted shop manual, pulled fuses, nothing amiss. Sun came out and radio worked great. Hmmm I wonder if it was rain pooling inside the power antenna shaft causing poor reception?
Speaking of cars it is high time I contacted the rest of my car friends to tell them about me. As Him I never had many close friends, any friendship was only based on a shared passion for automobiles, luxury automobiles to be precise. I felt I could never be myself around them.
I have not seen most of these guys in over a year. I have been working on a letter but have been too busy (delaying perhaps) to finish. This evening I will finish it and send it. I hope I will remain friends with all of them as that shared passion did produce a true friendship despite my secret.
Brother in law and rest of neighbours remain to be told.
Hugs,
April
That's Don Draper behind the wheel of his new 62 Coupe deVille and today tune is Cadillac Man by The Jesters. Recorded in 1965 and released on the legendary Sun Record label they are already singing the praises of the 59 Cadillac...
I want a Cadillac mister dealer Like they build in fifty-nine I want a Cadillac mister dealer So I can roll on down the line And when I hit that old broadway Man, I really wanna fly
I used to blast this tune daily at university, still a favourite. The unreleased cut on the early Ace Rockabilly compilations has a slightly faster less bluesy version, which I prefer and is worth seeking out.
I finally saw the doctor yesterday to do something about my depression. A super busy day filming and I just made it to my appointment and slumped into the waiting room chair dressed as him and not caring.
"J" and other members of my family had been pointing out the obvious signs. Finally I began to perceive that it was having a negative impact on my ability to function and not least on those around me.
I had been very scared to ask for help as I saw it as a personal failing and that sometimes anti-depressants make suicidal thoughts worse. With full time fast approaching I was also afraid any little set backs would be fatal.
It has been a while since I have taken joy in anything, I have put off going out as April even though I know it is helpful, I just couldn't make the effort. Day to day responsibilities were all I could manage. Even more telling, I bought a new car (well new to me) and I could hardly summon a smile.
picture is of my 76 Mark IV in the rain at Ford HQ
I am going to try and blog daily until the big day.
Saturday I was rather out of sorts and retreated to messing about with old cars to seek some peace from my inner demons.
I swapped the 20 inch rims on the 1976 Lincoln Mark IV for a set of nice 235 75 R15 tires and vintage seventies "Star Wire" wheels picked up on line for a great price. The Lincoln really looks like an old school low rider now. I also fabricated a new rear muffler exhaust hanger that had rusted. Next job, cure the right han
d side exhaust manifold leak, might be considerably more difficult.
Poor Lincoln had a baptism of fire or rather rain as she had her first trip on the highway in over a year and ferried me around our film shoot today. We shot a new Shelby Mustang for a segment on the
TV show I help produce.Downside is that the darn vacuum headlight switch broke again! Luckily I picked up a spare on bay last year. Just a matter to taking the dash apart again!!! Oh well the excuse I need to install the new stereo.
Remember that "bustle back" Cadillac Seville, I bought it. Delivery is promised tomorrow. The price was just too good and I had sold the 75 Eldorado. I was not planning to buy another car but it should makea good fuel efficient driver and looks very stylish too. If it proves reliable the Toronado will go to make more room.
I think I read somewhere that Elvis liked to give away Sevilles to his female friends, considering it a "ladies model". Of course he passed away before he got a chance to buy one of the neo-Hopper bodied 80-85 models.
The Electra is due for some minor repairs too. All this car stuff happening at a most inopportune time (wanted all these car issues out of the way before going 24/7) but as I have been told "sh*t happens."
Sunday I finally made it to the big local British Car Day, having missed the last few years. Though I no longer own a car from the motherland it was still fun strolling through the sea of Jaguars, MGs and Triumphs to find the rarer gems of British motordom, Jensen, Bristol, Lanchester, Marcos, Bond, TVR etc….
I even got to enjoy some imported smokey bacon flavoured crisps but turned down the opportunity to buy a die-cast model of an Austin Marina.
I wonder if the A stands for April....ten days and counting....ZMOG
Now something completely different. A modern remix of Elvis' Blue Moon of Kentucky. In my more doctrinaire Rockabilly days I would have screamed heresy but I kinda like this.
But mostly down….I apologize have been awol , I have not had the heart to post anything for a while. I have at least a half dozen aborted blog posts on my phone or in my handy dandy note book.
Where have I been , in Toronto at two different voice clinics getting cameras shoved up my nose and down my throat. The first I went too as April, still not happy with my hair but hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses I braved the big city and the crowds at the TIFF film festival never garnering any untoward glances as far as I could tell.
Next trip was as him as I had a two meetings to attend after but were then cancelled.
Job is still unstable and I have had to face the probability that it will not be there much longer if the company cannot afford to keep me. Great timing right?
All my fears were coming to pass, just transitioned and fresh out of work and frakkin unemployable. I felt sick with fear. I fell into serious depression and thoughts of suicide capered obscenely inside my head.
The ever present loss of employment (lived with for ten years) caused a major mental crisis. I have like many (men especially) derived 99.9% of my identity and self worth by what I do. I am the VP of Marketing. I hate to fail at anything, I caught myself saying that I would rather die than fail...
Changing genders/sex is one thing, but loosing what I thought made me, me was like having my very identity stripped from me and incredibly painful. Once again I have to give credit to "J" who has managed to keep her head on while others loose theirs.
I think I have passed through they eye of the hurricane for now and have managed to start to distance myself/ego/id from what I do to earn a living. I will also be asking my doctor for help, I have resisted for so long despite the pleas of family and friends. I should be thankful that it is hard to own a hand gun in Canada.
Today is cool but sunny and a little of my old confidence has returned, still a long way to go but time to take that first step.
As the King says, My head is spinning around and around, indeed I had to drop off the Electra yesterday and pick up a new Lincoln MKX "crossover". The guy in charge of press vehicles said "A" you looked totally stressed what's wrong.... ha ha what us wrong indeed!!!! Got an hour or two? Soon all will be revealed.
Busy day started at a major hospital in down Toronto with a morning appointment with a ENT (ear, nose, throat) specialist in order to obtain a referral to their voice clinic. Due to Toronto's world class traffic jams I left hours ahead of my appointment in order to ensure I was not delayed. As I also had work to do in the city I stayed in male mode.
I had been attempting to get this appointment since May. Apparently I had fallen through a crack in the space time continuum. Luckily, a compassionate staffer took pity on me and helped shepherd my application through the bureaucracy.
I will be going back for my first appointment with the voice clinic on Monday… as April! Big city, huge facility , lots of people! Wish me luck, Note to self, get used to it this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
If you permit me dear constant reader a little aside on Elvis, Witchcraft, from which I quote is just part of the great sixties output of the King. The B side of Bossa Nova Baby released in 1963. Sure it does not hold a candle to the amazing Rockabilly of the Sun Sessions, essentially the atomic blast creation of rock n' roll
OK before I get off track totally Elvis put out some amazing music throughout the sixties, buried on b sides or movie sound track albums are nuggets of pure gold. Even now after first discovering the king years after his passing I am still stumbling on cool tunes I have not heard before.
The end of September approaches like a freight train, still so much to do, there are so many 'guy" things I want to finish, car repairs (make 76 Lincoln Mark IV winter ready), clear out of the shed and garage etc etc. Really should I worry it would not be feminine to do these things as April.
I am beginning to loose control of the coming out process, my mother set out to inform a relative about me. It turns out they knew for some time?!? Apparently a clue I had intentionally dropped months ago was more than successfully picked up upon.
I seem to be crying all the time, everything sets me off, a sad song or story in the newspaper. I know the hormones make one more emotional but really!
I am so stressed by the thought of going full time, I am so scared That I will be a fool a freak. Work my family cars etc it all seems too much sometimes.
Work and Depression:
Worries about work especially have me depressed, I do not want to have just gone full time and a few weeks later not have a job. I am trying so hard but progress is slow. A deal I had been working on did not go the way I wanted it to and I was literally on the floor in a fetal position.
Thank God "J" was able to talk be out of it, after work she suggested we all go the movies and out to dinner, it made a world of difference. She has shown incredible patience.
"J"'s car, the family truckster, we depend upon so much to shepherd the children around suffered a minor setback, worried it was fatal I lapsed back into depression.
I got out yesterday evening with friends, Genni and Natasha. The opportunity to be me made a huge difference. I think I even smiled.
Long Time Gone:
I should be so happy (and part of me is, part of me wants to sing) but part is in mourning for the loss of titles; husband, father, son, brother…the old me on my death bed. It is if I am attending my own funeral.
No black marble pyramid, eternal flame or Cadillacs sixteen coaches long….sorry an in joke.
These are NOT doubts, I know in my heart and mind what I want to do, what I must do. Today I am feeling OK but on Friday I had tears in my eyes. I am sure there will be more up and downs as the clock counts down. I should not complain, it is not cancer, it is not a death sentence, it is only going full time, not even surgery.
Still I am so scared...
Here is the Dave Alvin song I heard that drove me to tears, you have been warned:
Hugs,
April
PS. Photo taken at 1:00 PM, rushed out to see a friend for coffee mid week, 15 min to get ready
I had a knock on my door Friday, a strange man with a cane stood there and asked if I was he. (Sounds like the beginning to a mystery novel)
Being in male mode I admitted who I was. He had been told by the friend of a friend who is a mechanic that I am into old cars, especially Cadillacs. He had a nice 85 Seville for sale cheap and wanted to know if I was interested .
The 85 Seville is the last of the bustle back generation, a love it or hate it design. I love it of course ("J" called it a chick car as it has four doors) but saddled with the unreliable 4.1 litre V8.
ZMOG! Talk about chagrined, really I am trying to get rid of 50% of my fleet not acquire more, but I am so tempted to just have a look. I wonder if there is a 12 step program?
Work, family and an upcoming laser session (holding off shaving) till Tuesday means that I will have not gone out for at least three weeks! The dysphoria is building up to unbearable levels, however I have managed to keep in what passes for a pleasant mood for me and have not slipped into dark depression. Mostly as I have September to plan and look forward to.
Last night I met up with Genni and Natasha, at first I just stayed in my car in the parking lot as I did not want to join them looking like a guy. Eventually I went in but it took a while for my mood to lift. I am glad I went as we had a good chat and I felt better for having connected with friends who can see the real me.
An eventful Motown trip, delays at the border (getting sent to secondary), huge storm that almost shut down the Dream Cruise) broken camera equipment etc etc
Customs officer says after looking at my passport, you gave me the wrong one. No that is me or was me I answer. My boss in soto voice says wait till you see her next month.
Still a blast, filmed a beautiful Lincoln Mark III for a feature segment, hope I am not tempting the fates by saying it should look great on the small screen.
Not as much time at the cruise as I would have liked as we ran long shooting the Lincoln. We still got some good footage for a short TV segment.
My favourite car was a fifties rat rod Buick hearse and a 77 Eldorado that had chopped rear springs, something about the speed boat rake just made that car look so bad, you know good. Ran after that one but could not catch up to take a good photo before she was swallowed up by traffic.
Even more car stuff, out at the race track yesterday! Only my second time behind the wheel, this time in the Corvette. Up at the crack of dawn to retrieve my 75 Eldorado which may well go as part of the great car purge of 2011.
Transition Stuff:
As to all that transition stuff, oh where to begin. The long time together in the car allowed my boss and I discuss my transition and how and when April makes her first official work appearance. There is a big racing event coming up in October, where I will meet with our US employees, meet with the president of our biggest client and attend a formal dinner!
All very exciting and quite terrifying as it will be only be two or three weeks after going full time.
"J" had told two more important people in our life. One couple we have not know since university reacted with tears. I can understand their reaction as they were mourning the loss of us as a couple and perhaps me as male. Such sadness is in some ways even harder to deal with than rejection or bigotry.
I am trying hard to focus on the positives of becoming who I really am but the sadness I cause in others who find themselves unwitting passengers on this road tempers that joy.
Hugs,
April
Enjoy Bo Diddley and the Duchess as they perform Let Me Pass, it's about cars not well you know...
Off to my favourite city on the planet for the Dream Cruise.
It is a business trip so boss and camera man in tow. So no opportunity to hit the town as April. Oh well I am still excited, we will be shooting a feature on the cruise and a mint Lincoln Mark III.
As we are working on a tight schedule I will not be travelling down in one of my vintage cars, I would have loved to have taken the Mark IV or the Caddy. The Corvette is just too low to brave the potholes. We will have a brand new Chrysler Town & Country, nice and as close as I can get to a new Imperial.
The Dream Cruise celebrates the traditional cruising (dare I say street racing) on Woodward Avenue that became legendary around the country. In the sixties it would not be uncommon to see engineers from the big three surreptitiously testing out one of their latest creations against local hot rodders.
Every kind of car you could ever hope to see will be there, as they say just imagine what you want to see next and it will cruise by a few moments later.
It will be a bit painful to be trapped in guy mode in such fun environment but soon, soon… Maybe next year as April in the Stutz Blackhawk if I can get my act together and finish restoring it.
Of course the above photo is not me….but I see how you could be confused, she is sitting in Stutz number 1!
Taking a meta view this celebration of automotive exuberance is important in a historical perspective, it reminds us what we are capable of. The ability to create functional artwork that drives personal freedom, upward mobility and a vibrant economy. To borrow a line from Mark Steyn;
"When a society loses its memory, it descends inevitably into dementia."
In this era of fear we must remember what those before us achieved and strive to throw off the mental shackles of supposed decline.
I finally had the chance to see my therapist for a session. I felt that I had been doing well but he immediately picked up on some back sliding on my part.
I am literally always apologizing, "why are you doing that?" he asked.
True, I have been giving away my power to others, always seeking their approval or permission to even exist. Shrinking into myself instead of being confident in who I am and what I have achieved. "You have the support of all the people that really matter, family, children, work".
"Why are you so worried about everyone else?"
I do not need their permission or approval to be April to be transsexual. I have worked hard and fought to make it to the brink of going full time. I can be confident in who I am. I do not owe an apology for who I am to the rest of the world.
I had forgotten an important lesson from when I had started therapy, to move forward in transition focusing on love and on the positive. That I will be a happier, better and stronger person than I ever was.
Unfortunately I failed my first test. Two blocks away, after the session, I pulled up to a traffic light, a slammed Honda rolled to a stop next to me, the young guy in the passengers seat leans over and says, "Is that a Mark IV" I nod my head silently.
See I was kind of in between genders, girl, jeans black t shirt, bra and heart necklace, but no make up, hair a mess from riding around with the sunroof open. Also I had not shaved as I have an electrolysis session the next day. "J" says she cannot see anything but I feel the hairs are visible.
Then he says, its a 72 right? I manage a weak yes. "Sick wheels!" I smile and nod some more. It seems like an eternity for the light to go green. They do not laugh or point. In guy mode I would have immediately engaged him in conversation and we would still be there yakking about old cars.
Next time I will do better.
The Ronettes because I love this song and Bettie Page because even though it was not her reality she seemed to exude such personality and strength in every photo.
It had just rained and the oppressive humidity of the day had given way to the promise of a cool evening. I sat on the front steps at twilight and felt an amazing sense of contentment.
I still have a long way to travel but I could not help believing things were falling into place. I am so very lucky I have the support of my family
…but we still have to tell "J's" mother and brother
I have the support of my boss and co-workers. I had two great chats with him this week where he reaffirmed his commitment to support my transition. I do feel a bit like I have won the lottery.
…but I am still worried about my job, the economy and the state of our industry
I am feeling much more confident about going full time
…but I still have moments of self doubt and panic
Dear constant reader, please don't worry, regularly scheduled broadcasts of angst and despair will no doubt resume shortly.
…in the meantime I am enjoying the moment.
In other news I sold my LT1 V8 powered Jaguar XJS in an effort to reduce my automotive fleet to a more manageable number. It was sad seeing her go but she is off to a good home. Only three more to go!
Really, an XJS no matter what is under the hood is a serious commitment in tears and heartache. I will be content (there is that word again) tinkering with my insolent chariots from Motown.
Ah ha, the perfect segue to:
The Velvelettes singing Needle in a Haystack from 1964
Photo of me is entitled "trying to take a good shot in the mirror at 3:30 AM" and the Mark IV is because I have been enjoying driving around in her all week.
I thought it was just Sunday but "J" told me I had been miserable, grumpy, out of sorts, well depressed for a week or two. Swearing, yelling, constantly on edge, not very lady like.
As my self imposed date for going full time approaches I have been consumed by fear and doubt but mostly fear. On a long walk to clear my head Sunday night I tried to wrestle with my demons. Walking walking, questioning who and what I am and is this the only way forward. I thought I had permanently put these thoughts to bed.
Could I not transition? ( Stop me if you heard this before) I could stop I am strong I might survive. If my life depended on it, I could likely do it but I would be miserable and how long I would last I don't know.
As I walked I asked myself a series of questions;
Would I stop taking hormones?
Would I stop taking the anti-androgens?
Would I purge my wardrobe of clothes, shoes, make up anything feminine?
Would I drift away slowly from my new friends, never to talk to them again?
Would what ever happened to April be a question asked less and less frequently? Whatever happened to her, she does not return our calls or e-mails I wonder what happened? Fading away in memory until April herself had died. To let the real authentic part of me die.
...the answer was NO to all of the above.
So a little more confident today, bring trans is just a lot for a middle class, suburban, white "male" conservative to digest.
A big part is fear, fear of going full time, fear of being the but of everyones jokes. Fear of being pointed and laughed at, for someone who put so much stock in the opinions of others it is a hard thing to do despite the claims to march to my own drummer. Underneath we are scared children just wishing to fit in.
It seems a very Japanese emotion, fear of loosing face. The idea of walking out and proclaiming that I am transsexual that I am becoming a woman is just damn scary.
Another thing that threw me off track is that it has been a very busy month for cars. The entire winter went by where I did little more than drive them, freeing me to concentrate on transition. The last month has been full of car stuff, the Corvette suspension upgrade, filming the Corvette for a TV segment, getting the 72 Lincoln Mark IV out of storage and preparing the Jaguar XJS for sale. Deciding which cars to sell going from ten to a more manageable five or so.
The only time I was comfortable being a guy was when I was working on cars all those thoughts in my head would be banished by where did I put that torque wrench, is that a vacuum leak, I need to rebuild this carb. etc etc. Emerging from the garage covered in grease and sweat, that was my male badge of honour, no one could ever question that I was not a real guy through and through.
I like the song lucky guy by The Muffs, my band du jour. I know that I am reading my own meaning into the song but what I hear her singing about is the normal cis gendered guy, the guy who gets up each morning with a light heart, who gets up each morning knowing who he is and where he is going. The rest of us own wish for such certainty. When Kim (formerly of the Pandoras) sings with such passion, I can hear the anger and envy in her voice. Here they are live in Japan, check out the official video as well:
Last night I made a list of friends I need to tell, OMG I have so few of them .
I have been thinking about transition and who I need to tell, "J" and I have already told most family members, children, parents and friends we had as a couple.
Close friends coming next, I have two car friends I see on a semi regular basis that already know, one of whom I would classify as an unhyphenated friend having transcended the realm of just automobiles though that is what we still talk about the most.
The others are few and far between, most of whom I have not talked to for a period ranging from six months to a year. Perhaps I could just fade out of their lives and never have to explain myself. But I think I owe them an explanation or goodbye. So over this month I will contact the three or four remaining car friends and tell them of my transition.
Besides remaining family there is the wider world of neighbours, work clients and customers. My boss has already told my close co-workers with no apparent ill effects.
The world around us of acquaintances but so few friends. Is this indicative of transsexual/ transgendered people that we have trouble making friends as we cannot share all of our selves with someone else, that we are always hiding a parts of our selves, at least that is how I feel.
The few friends that I have managed to acquire over half a lifetime have been equalled, no surpassed by the number of friends I have meet in the trans community or the unofficial group of trans women who gather in our little neck of the woods. Both pre op and post op these are people I might never have met otherwise but a shared struggle has brought us together .
Nevertheless these are people who have become trusted friends that I can tell anything, perhaps it is something that binds us together far more than automobiles ever could.
Five minutes to midnight….the big days looms and I still have so much to do. Work has the potential to become very busy so I will have little time to worry and navel gaze about going full time. Bring it on!
Musical pick of the day is The Muffs with New Love from 1991. A perfect punk pop song that demands you dance around the room. Once again hat tip to my brother for turning me onto another band I was unaware.
My brother flies back to his family in Tokyo today. It was great to see him again but saying goodbye was much harder than times before. I felt very emotional this morning as I drove over to my mother's house to say my farewells and to have one last chat before he left for the airport.
Assuming everything goes as planned it would be the last time he will see me in male mode, perhaps it was just the hormones… I will really miss him we are so alike (no not that way LOL) rather we have such similar temperaments, the same taste in music, movies, cars and movies. We can talk endlessly about all these things. I didn't realize how much I missed him until we could talk again.
Yesterday was a family birthday party for my daughter, after the pizza and cake and presents, my brother and I talked into the evening about the good and bad times growing up. It was amazing to learn what each of us remembered, what the other had forgotten, family vacations I had completely forgotten about. His memories of being at home while I was at at school and then university.
The Norman Rockwell, Leave It To Beaver neighbourhood we spent part of our childhood in, the hidden confusion and hatred of my teen years.
I still plan to go full time in September (job willing), I wish he was still here to lend his support in the trying days ahead. I feel that a part of me is missing far across the Pacific.
"J" used the party to tell her sister about me, as suspected it was not a problem. Interestingly she immediately recognized me in the photos "J" showed he. Her comment, "I didn't see that coming" and "he" makes a good looking woman….thanks "K". Her sister hinted that her brother and her mother maybe a more difficult situation.
I do a lot of writing in my line of work, however much is of the business proposal variety and can be rather dry at times. Sometimes a blog post helps get the creative juices percolating.
I was talking with my boss this morning after an early conference call. Once we had dealt with pressing business we touched upon my upcoming transition in September.
He has been very supportive and has given my peculiar condition some evident thought. To be fair he has only known for a few months and the terms transgender or transsexual had no relevance in his life.
The business requires that I travel to the States on occasion and there are some new people that I have yet to meet. I continue to meet with business partners we have known for years but he thought that we would put off any new meetings until after I go full time. No point confusing them he suggested. I am not against this idea and I think it shows a sincere desire to help.
When I wrote about first telling him in May he read my blog post, his response, was to send me an e-mail telling me that I should let others know that being true to who we are does not have to be the end of the world and that there is support out there.
I believe he is a little surprised and to a greater extent pleased at his own very liberal attitude and well I guess he should be! I would never have told him if I did not think his heart was in the right place.
We have a lot of potential deals on the horizon that could see us become even busier (hopefully) so he was concerned that I would be needing to take an extended period of time off to transition. No, I assured him it is simply a matter of presenting full time as April. No surgery or recovery time involved….for now at least.
So one day (yet to be decided upon) in September I will leave the house as April and never look back? Will it be like September 3, 1967 when the entire nation of Sweden switched from driving on the left to the right?
Everyone in Stockholm seemed to have set his alarm clock to sound off be fore dawn. By 4 a.m., cars, motor scooters and flower-decked taxis that had been hired months before streamed downtown to the Kungsgatan, the city's main street. There they waited through a solemn radio countdown. At the stroke of five, loudspeakers blared: "Now is the time to change over." In a brief but monumental traffic jam, Sweden switched to the right side of the road.
How was it for the rest of you here when you went full time? Routine or traumatic? I am trying not to think about it too hard or I tend to get freaked out but the idea that the day is coming is strangely calming.
Photo was taken after friend Natasha's pool party on what must have been the hottest night of the year. Hot n' sweaty but happy...about to lay some rubber!
Music is from my favourite band of all time, The Cramps (saw them live once and lived to tell) I will have to have a separate post about them soon.
