Strategic Retreat & Crisis of Confidence

I finally had a chance for a long sit down with my new boss about both short and long term business issues. It is not like this is a new relationship we have known each other for ten years and worked together for eight.

During our informal planning session he mentioned I should go back to wearing my hair in my usual "ducktail"/ rockabilly style, "that is the "A" I know. I said yeah well I am not really sure what I should do with it at this time. Don't wait to long otherwise you will look like a fag was the response

Sure I was a little taken back but more worrisome was the seed of doubt it planted in my mind about my planned coming out to him in six to eight months. What if he fires me, oh god I couldn't start again, more delays. The prospect seemed unbearable. Unlike the Biblical Jacob I do not have the patience or time to start again. Depression is however more than patient and is always looking for a way back in, I quickly found myself curled up and unresponsive in its suffocating grasp.

I don't believe that he meant it as a way to hurt but simply the typical banter between heterosexual guys. "J" says take it as a compliment, clearly he senses a change, the hormones at work, but cannot put his finger on it.

To return to the micro level, why does the idea of cutting my hair (delaying having my ears pierced) seem like such a retreat? It will grow again. Sure I am reluctant to give any ground on even the flimsiest signs of progress but perhaps more than that is that the old "A" no longer exits. To go back to pretending to be him would be both painful and false.

Some exercise and talking with "J" helped me gain some perspective but I am not out of the woods yet.

I was lucky enough to get out again on Sunday night but this isn't the time for those pictures. So instead I give you the car gals way of measuring snow fall. Oh and return visit from the Raveonettes:

My Hovercraft is Full of Eels

That is silly I don't even own a hovercraft. I don't exactly know what it was but last night I was struck with a serious fit of the giggles. You know when you start laughing and just can't stop until the tears are rolling down your cheeks. Not a good idea when wearing eyeliner and mascara.

I had he opportunity to get out with the girlfriends (or as I know them trouble making enablers ;)) last night. The three of us had the privilege of accompanying Heather on her first night out en femme. She did great by the way, very natural and if she was nervous she hid it well. It was a pleasure to catch up with Ashley and Natasha, hope we can get out again soon.

We started with a bite to eat a Thai restaurant, excellent noodles and green tea. Everyone was relaxed and joking, it started when someone said something about Buicks and my trunk being full of something…weasels…I don't know but that was all it took. I could not help thinking of the Monty Python, "Dirty Hungarian Phrase Book" sketch and I was a goner.

Perhaps the stress of the week, a new job, two important meeting earlier in the day and the rush to get ready was too much. All that stress needed a safety valve and laughter was a great release.

Later we went to a club down the street then home at a somewhat reasonable hour.

Everyone repeat after me, "My Hovercraft is Full of Eels".

Hugs,

April

Coward or Knowing When to Shut Up?

I would not say that I have conquered my depression, rather with support from my family, some progress on my journey and therapy I have fought it to a cold war standstill.

Unfortunately little things can still set me off and the black dogs slip their chains.

Sunday was an extended family gathering, over lunch the topic of the Thai airline that recruited and hired transsexual flight attendants came up. What we see as a small but welcome sign of acceptance in the wider world

was greeted with skepticism, ridicule and confusion.

I find it hard to describe how hurt and angry I felt. I wanted to deliver a stern lecture regarding the difference between transvestite and transsexual. I wanted to make a case for equal rights and tell them about the often life or death struggle anyone trans must go through.

Of course I instead stayed silent, a well intentioned defence would only raise questions I was not yet prepared to answer. Like a tropical storm front my face clouded over and I lapsed into silence for the rest of the gathering. I caught that knowing look from "J", the one that says I know but shake it off and put on a brave face. Unlike her I am terrible at hiding my emotions….a womanly trait I have yet to master?

I guess what hurt was that this person/people will know all about me soon enough, perhaps before the year is out. I don't want to be the punch line in anyone's joke. I should be more charitable and put it all down as an idle comment born of ignorance and instead look forward to ambassadorial role to come.

On the plus side I got to walk my daughter to school this morning and played a spirited game of tag before the bell rang.

Hugs,

April

Day One Year Zero

Not to make fun of the bloody history of Cambodia but in my own life a revolution has taken place. Today (St.Valentine's Day) no I didn't plan it that way, is the first day of my new job working from home.

I wish it meant my first day as April 24/7 but I hope that will come this year. That is my plan, that is my goal and this job is a big part of it, fingers crossed it will allow me the freedom to finally be me.

I am at the computer dressed casually as April, jeans, bra, white t-shirt, a little eye makeup, wonderfully normal.

Lots of challenges ahead but I am excited, I was ready to go this morning, I have not looked forward to getting to work for some time. I am basically doing the same job I did before but more responsibility and more creative control.

I didn't get out on the weekend as we had lots of family stuff going on. I was "J's" escort to a formal affair at a very exclusive country club. It was a dinner for her company. Lots of looking for a dress beforehand, for her not me, I just wore my black suit. She looked great in her new outfit, black too, I think all the women in attendance wore black...very funereal.

Looked enough like a guy though my hair is too long. "J" later told me I was sitting too feminine. To make matters worse I was unsure what to drink, "J" says order a Cosmopolitan. All the guys are drinking beer and I am walking around with a pink drink in a Martini glass, only the little umbrella was missing.

Interacted well enough though an undercurrent of sadness as I felt somewhat the impostor and somewhat too comfortable in a role I wish I could abandon. Still a really nice evening out.

Hugs,

April

Feeling Normal

I had the opportunity to get out with my girlfriend Natasha last night, which improved my outlook on life tremendously. Window shopping at the mall then coffee for a long chat, lots to catch up on as we had not been out together since before Christmas.

I do get out on a semi regular basis but usually only for coffee with the girls or a rare trip to downtown Toronto. A trip to mall was a little nerve racking, on "J's" advice I went with a black jacket with fur edging instead of the leopard so I would blend in as much as possible. Despite some initial butterflies I was OK, held my head up and walked with confidence.

It was a quiet night so we were waylayed by every salesperson in every store we went in. A surprising number knew Natasha!

None of the gourmet coffee places stay open late so we settled for the Canadian staple, Tim Hortons.

The GID had been very strong the last few days and the chance to just be me for an evening has left me considerably more relaxed. Is this how "normal" people feel all the time?

Hugs,

April

I think I featured Shakin Stevens the other week so how about another eighties Rockabilly cat, Robert Gordon. Here he is on the cult Canadian sketch comedy show, SCTV:

End of the Beginning

I apologize as it has been a day or two since my last post. Tuesday was my final day at my old job, we had a company lunch, I took the last of my personal stuff to my car, said good bye to all the guys. I made a final few calls to clients, handed over my computer and phone passwords then drove home.

It was surprisingly emotional but I didn't look back. In September I would have been there ten years, unimaginable when I started. It was kind of like leaving home, so many memories whether good or bad, I still spent a fair percentage of my life there.

I knew I had been doing the job too long when I would look back on a project and think it was last year and it was actually five years ago. After so, long all the seasons and episodes blended into each other.

Tuesday night I was emotionally drained and totally physically exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep.

Another issue that has kept me from blogging is dealing with my eldest daughter. I have naturally been reluctant to discuss any details but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and not candy coat the realities of being Trans.

Not yet a teenager, the normally happy student and gifted writer has developed an aversion to school. There are other issues but my transition is at the top of her list of worries.

I feel terribly guilty and thoughts of giving up on my transition abound. The black tendrils of depression once again encircled my heart and I felt myself shutting down. I believed myself to be a selfish monster.

I attended a school that was very religious though not evangelical, I always read that God only sets us tasks we normally would never want to do. At first I thought that was transition, rather it appears that not transitioning is the task I do not wish to embark on. I am not that strong, the years before me of pretending to be a guy, to play the role of strong silent family man. Content to numb himself with a succession of old cars, politics, history books anything to distract me.

I escaped into exercise until the sweat stung my eyes and matted my hair to my head. I cursed God, for making me this way, for making me too weak to fight it, to take this bitter cup from before me. I told him to strike me down with a heart attack, make my car slide on the ice and crash, I double dog dared him. I ran and ran till I fell off the tread mill putting my foot through the wall, the only injury being to my pride.

I had a long talk with "J", not transitioning is NOT the answer. To try and go back now is impossible, relationships have permanently changed and as she reminded me a happy and engaged parent is better than an emotionally dead shell of a man. As she noted before the only photos of me smiling are as April.

The long march forward continues, big changes are on the horizon, I need to be positive so I am there for my children.

Hugs,

April

Here is a tune by Sweden's Top Cats, this will get you going better than a cup of Starbucks:

Important Anniversaries, Commercials and Zombies

First a couple of missed anniversaries, I recently passed one hundred posts (where is my medal) and more importantly Sunday was the hundredth anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s birth.

“The Gipper” is seen by both sides of the political divide as a totemic figure worthy of quoting to make a point. It was during his first term in office that I realized I was a conservative. It took me longer to realize other things about myself and no I don’t find the two to be mutually exclusive.

I always thought he was a great man and the undeserved scorn heaped upon him by the pundits lead me to a healthy distrust of the media and taught me to think for myself more than any school or university.

This is not a political blog so I won’t go any further except to say what another giant of my youth, Margaret Thatcher said at his funeral,

"Well done, Thou good and faithful servant."

An epitaph that anyone should be proud.

To see some of his greatest speeches check out the always excellent Ace of Spades blog:

http://ace.mu.nu/

I am not a fan of football (or any sports really) but I do love advertising. Car commercials predominated at the Superbowl. VW takes the win for their pint sized Darth Vader but the Miss Evelyn Camaro ad made me want to sign my life away one easy payment at a time. Anyone else think Miss Evelyn looked like Joan from Mad Men?

I will not claim to be a “Gleek” but I really did enjoy last nights episode. Being more of a traditionalist, there I go being a conservative again, the version of the Zombies, She’s Not There, in full zombie makeup was super cool.

Of course a little while ago I would not have even admitted to watching this show, I would have locked myself in the garage and cleaned and regapped some spark plugs. See even conservatives can change. Look at that I tied everything up neatly, see you'll tomorrow.

Hugs,

April