Perhaps I should have called this post smoke and mirrors...
Have to share a quick story. I am coming back from my mothers with my two youngest in the back seat of the Electra. At the stop light a large black Chevy Avalanche pulls up and a rather handsome African American man compliments my car and asks some questions about her.
To show off a little I hold the brake for a few seconds and manage to pull of a respectable and rather loud burn out (455 V8 has 510 ft pounds of torque, that is more than a Hemi). At the next light he leans over and says, "damn girl you are turning me on". LOL
Put another check mark in the pass column.
No children were harmed in the making of this blog post.
The other evening got together with Genni to watch the three episodes of Hit & Miss, wow, episode 3 had me teary eyed but the conclusion provided the necessary catharsis moment. I won't spoil it for any of you if you have not seen it yet.
Thanks to all my readers, just surpassed 100 members….Thanks Everybody!!!
Hope you didn’t mind the shorts and mini skirts, I know I am too old for the mini skirt, jury is out on the shorts. Never thought I would have the guts to wear shorts. I have worn them while working outside and while biking with the children.
Last two weeks my eyes have been driving me crazy, quite painfully so. I have had three different visits to optometrists and my doctor none revealed any problems. Starting to think it is stress related, not contacts, not air conditioning or allergies….hormones???.
Just finished another car article to be published, this one on the Bucciali Tav 32 and a modern kustom tribute. Also have an upcoming article in Frock magazine and my story n the Green Hornet's Black Beauty Imperial is as they say now on news stands.
Oddball Kustom's Bucciali tribute "The Bootch"
A shout out to the TV show Hit & Miss. The first episode was on You Tube and the series seems worth watching. Finally a positive transsexual role model, a single parent and assassin. I found Chloe Sevigny's portrayal pretty realistic (well of course she passes) as she exudes the doubt and fear we all feel plus a strength of character that we all need to survive transition. I will admit a guilty pleasure at seeing her beat up the village bully.
My good friend Genni ordered a copy of season one from the UK and I am looking forward to the viewing party.
The Electra is back on the road consuming huge quantities of crushed dinosaur juice, makes me appreciate the slightly smaller dimensions and fuel economy of the 1985 Cadillac Seville.
A trip to Toronto on holiday Monday to see an old friend who was seriously injured in a freak classic car accident. A vintage Cadillac ambulance, a dream car he had waited years to buy, fell on him when a careless driver swerved off the road and hit the car while he was working under it. A miracle he survived and it was great to see him up and about.
As he occasionally forgets my new name when on the phone I made sure I wore a dress not jeans and a t shirt and brought flowers for his wife….to reinforce the correct visual impression.
On the train to the city I ended up in an hour long conversation with a nice woman traveling to see her friends for a day out. It was most gratifying to past for a prolonged “interview” . How did I know I passed? Well the question about my husband was a good start. I also felt the conversation was subtly different from those with women or men who know my background. The pleasant 60 mins on the commuter train put me in a great mood for most of the rest of the day.
“J” read my post entitled Coward, where I wrote that I would like to go stealth if I can pull it off.
This caused some consternation and conflict I did not anticipate. She took going stealth as meaning that I was usurping her role as mother and denying my past fatherhood. I had meant I simply want to pass as a woman , to be recognized as such and not be branded transgender or transsexual for the rest of my life. Think Charles Manson with a T instead of a swastika carved on his forehead.
The transition to full time has been harder for “J” than she imagined and the cause of much stress. The sooner I land a job the better, which seems more and more the impossible dream but the only strategy is to preserve. I recently removed my profile from a trans forum as I didn’t want it popping up in a Google search of my name and secondly because I rarely visit anymore.
My oldest’s birthday over the Canada Day weekend, which was spent with “J’s” family and of course I was not invited. Apparently I have ceased to exist for them (except her sister), neither condemned or mentioned. I can’t pretend that doesn’t hurt as I feel pruned from the extended family tree.
As Oscar Wilde said, "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about".
However I prefer,
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
Today's musical pick to click is Little Richard storming through Johnny Cash's Get Rhythm:
Makeup that is. In the very recent past I would have never dared leave the house without a full complement of foundation, eye liner etc.
The temperature has been in the nineties here and very humid too. I had to run to the auto parts store to get some more paint and 1000 grit wet/dry sandpaper as I am repairing the dent in the Electra's passenger side fender. As soon as I got home I would be getting right back to work and getting sweaty so doing my face just for a 15 min trip seemed like a waste of time.
Even took pictures to record this "herstoric" event. I assume it means that I am more comfortable with myself and my ability to pass and not that I am lazy, well you be the judge dear reader.
No I was not driving while in some sort of Cadillac induced revelry, just windy
I am still a big believer that as a woman I should make my best effort to look good. I had to go grocery shopping later in the day and yes I did my makeup before I left.
The white on the old Buick was very hard to match, you can't imagine how many shades of white there are until you try and paint a white car. I went with a GM arctic white (more bone really) and its not bad but the eagle eyed will see that the fender has been painted. Better than a big ugly dent though.
Pride week is upon us in Toronto, there is even a trans march, will I be going. No, too many responsibilities at home. However I am torn, there is clearly a need to educate the public at large but neither do I want to appear on the evening news as as a transgendered activist when everyday I attempt to blend into the gender binary as much as possible.
Right now I am open about being transsexual if someone asks but after surgery I would prefer to go stealth if I can pull it off.
I cannot help feeling a little of the coward.
Basic Black
I think pull off a good Amanda Lear in the first photo. A good role model, well I certainly hope I can look as good as her at whatever her current age is? Of course she has never admitted to her past....
Sorry have been away from the blog for while. Gearing up for the children getting out of school for summer holidays and I thought I was busy now!
Besides looking for a job and writing car articles I have been biking on a regular basis to keep my weight down, picked up a new "muscle bike" a 1970's CCM Cheetah 3 speed, the Cheetah is the girls version of the boys Mustang by Canada's leading bicycle manufacturer. Photos tomorrow.
Also working on repairing my Buick Electras fender (dent was from original 80 year old owner NOT me). Pulled out the dent using a plunger and straightened pot metal ventiports, now it is the tedious process of body filler and sanding.
Really have to get my 59 Cadillac convertible out but not until I have the Buick is ship shape….that is not supposed to be a joke about her being a boat.
My review of the the film I Am A Woman Now will be published in an upcoming issue of Frock magazine.
Due to my absence Dear Constant Reader here are three tunes to make it up to you:
I met up with a friend I had not seen for a few months (has it been that long) who is on the same road. She remarked that I looked different that my face had changed again. …hope she meant for the better! It has been going on two years (has it been that long) since starting hormones and apparently they are still subtly changing things.
I think if I e-mailed these images back in time a few years I would not recognize the person looking back at me. And that as they say is a good thing.
I shall give this wretched world the queen it deserves....
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
I Am A Woman Now: Film Review
I attended the last day of the Inside Out film festival in Toronto specifically to see the film, I Am A Woman Now the story of the first generation of surgically operated transsexual woman to grow old. The Dutch documentary introduces the viewer to five women, all who transitioned at a time when the word transsexual could not have been spoken of in polite company. A time when to admit that you were not mentally the sex you were born would more than likely put you in a mental institution.
Filmmaker Michiel van Erp introduces us to five women some of whom you may already be familiar with, April Ashley, Prof. Marie-Pier Ysser (Bambi), Colette Berends, Jean Lessenich and Corinne van Tongerloo. All but Jean were female impersonators performing at Le Carrousel and transitioned in their twenties and thirties. Jean was initially married and had a successful career as a photographer and illustrator. Besides their transsexuality they all shared the distinction of being operated on by the great Dr. Buroou
Dr. Burou began to perform sex change surgery in the late fifties at his Clinique du Parc in Casablanca, Coccinelle was one of his first subjects in 1958. He invented he anteriorly pedicled penile skin flap inversion vaginoplasty, "the gold standard of skin-lined vaginoplasty in transsexuals". He is said to have performed over 800 operations before his death in a boating accident in 1987. His name is not better known as a low profile was necessary to operate in Morocco.
It must have taken such a leap of faith to entrust ones life and some large amount of savings to what was at the time an illegal and experimental procedure. Those who share this condition know that no risk is too great if that is the only way to become who you were really meant to be.
The film touches on the women's early lives through old home movies, photos and reminiscences. It is also a pilgrimage back to Casablanca and a tribute to Dr. Burou. We are introduced to his son who looks very much like his handsome father and has the same French charm as well as a penchant for water skinning. Corinne returns top the place of her rebirth to lay flowers on his grave and an unsuccessful attempt to visit the building that once housed the clinic.
I still cannot find words to describe the experience, as the credits rolled I felt poleaxed and no strength in my legs to even stand up. I know others must have felt the same as it was very quiet except for the applause.
What an impact seeing ones idols, these goddesses from another era as real people, as if speaking to me directly, April, Bambi and Colette. Their journey back to Casablanca to be reunited with old friends, the film was at once sad, beautiful and funny. None seem to have regrets and although they admit to giving little thought what their senior years would be like their new lives as women made them so much happier. On waking each morning April tells us she still feels some of the great joy she felt on coming to after surgery to be greeted by Dr. Burou, "bonjour Mademoiselle".
I don't think that it is I am afraid to grow old not having experienced being a young woman or that I wished that they had lived a fairytale life since transitioning.
Perhaps the real reason it moved me so greatly was that it is my story too and they and Dr. Burou are my mothers and father.
I wanted tears to come to exercise all the emotions I was experiencing.
Five Things I Learned From I Am A Woman Now:
1. Marry Rich
The old friend who used to do April's hair in Paris asks her whether she is living the life of an English duchess. No she says in her most upper class accent tinged with considerable longing and regret.
The hairdresser is apparently quite well off holding court in a Mediterranean villa and later on a yacht, there also seems to be
many handsome younger men in attendance.
"But you had the aristocracy begging for your hand" her asks, "ah but I was young and stupid" is her reply. The funny thing is she never appears on camera without a glass of champagne in her perfectly manicured hands. She is always as regal as a monarch.
April had successfully remade herself coming from humble provincial beginnings. I often expected her in an unguarded moment to revert to her Liverpudlian accent however she never does, so successful has she remade herself successfully transcending class and gender.
There is clearly some wistfulness when recalling her many wealthy suitors. Both Bambi (who the documentary fails to note had a successful academic career) talk about the trials of economizing and remembering more flush times.
2. Take Care of Yourself
Colette is an artist and salon owner. Her interview begins with her administering a facial to a client and stressing the importance of maintenance to look good in old age. All of the films subjects appear well preserved and living active lives.
Not surprising considering the investment they made in their female bodies and that their early careers were entirely dependent on being beautiful. Four of the five women were performers before and after surgery.
As a latish transitioner myself I need no convincing of the importance of diet, exercise and cosmetic improvements if one is lucky enough to afford them.
3. Don't Tell Till They Fall in Love
Only one of the women is still in any form of long term relationship. However beautiful, the inability to have children or the distraction of their history seems to have stood in the way of marriage. Corinne's advice is to let the guy fall in love with you first… then it is too late for them. An indication of this barrier to acceptance is seen when Corrine tells an old friend that she was not always as she is, we never see the hoped for acceptance only the shock.
Her one long term relationship was with a bisexual man and she still felt even after surgery she could not offer all a genetic woman could.
4. Do It Now
Most had their surgery in their twenties or thirties as soon as they could afford it. Jean a later transitioner fell into the usual scenario of denial, marriage and children before realizing what could be put off no longer.
None lived in regret and all sited surgery as the happiest time of their life, their rebirth and a start of a new more authentic and happier existence.
The trip back to Casablanca and meeting with Dr, Burou's son is immensely moving. April's patrician facade is only let down when she speaks of the doctors kindness and her own family's shunning. Corinne after half a life time of stealth proceeds to tell everyone of her history when trying to get access to the shuttered clinic.
5. Not All Men Can Be Beautiful Women
Yes and No. The question was posed to April Ashley and the answer was a quick no, elaborating she states that womanhood has to come from within. The looks and the frame make it easier but she revives her answer mid thought saying that even if you don't look the part you have to do what you feel inside, its just harder.
