Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving comes early in Canada. The big dinner with extended family was spent at my brother in laws. They of course don’t know yet, I expect they will by this time next year….perhaps even sooner than that.

I have used this blog as a form of catharsis that a private written diary could not provide and I have done my fair share of bitching.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for, a supportive spouse, loving children, a job, a home, parents who know and still love me.

Being Trans in no picnic and we naturally tend to focus on the stones in our pathway, the pain and the hurt.

Sometimes we need to remember what we have and not what we have lost or fear the loss of.

So big thanks to my family and to those of you have taken the time to read my mad ramblings, leave comments or send e-mails.

You are all in my prayers.

Big hugs,

April

PS. I did get out on the weekend for coffee with Marissa, I felt I did a good job on my makeup and I had a great time and was totally unselfconscious.

Miss Amanda Jones

Friday, amazingly it came around again. Long weekend and turkey day approaches here in the land of ice and snow or as my old history teacher at boarding school in the UK used to say…the colonies.

I am really looking forward to getting out with my girl friends after last week’s curtailed outing. Have to squeeze my girl time in between family outings on Saturday and Monday. Don’t forget a little car restoration, lawn care etc etc…

As Wed night was barren, Thursday evening was fruitful with work on rebuilding (re-engineering) the Lincoln’s Autolamp system, automatic dimmer using a photo electric eye, headlight delay and twilight on/off. NOS ones cost almost $400 if you can find one.

Even made it out for some exercise.

How about some more Amanda, think that would make a good middle name for me?
Ms. Lear has had an amazing life and career, from Le Carrousel in Paris to international disco queen, TV personality, artist etc. She also found the time to date a number of rock n’ rollers including the ill starred Brian Jones. In fact the Rolling Stones even recorded a song about her on the 1967 Between the Buttons album. The track has a definite Chuck Berry feel with Keith Richard’s trademark guitar sound. Miss Amanda Jones can be heard at the link below:




Down and down she goes, Amanda Jones
I said down and down and down and down
She'd look really lovely at home
Till somebody's going to come up and ask her
To live happily ever after
Miss Amanda Jones

On and on she goes, little Miss Amanda Jones
I said on and on and on and on
Just watch her as she grow
Don't want to say it very obviously
But she's losing her nobility
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, don't you realize the money invested in you?
Hey girl, you've just got to find someone who'll really pull your family through
Up and up she goes, Amanda Jones

I said up and up and up and up
She looks quite delightfully stoned
She's the darling of the discotheque crowd
Of her lineage she's rightfully proud
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, with your nonsense nose pointing right down to the floor
Hey girl, your suspender shows and the girl behind you looks a bit unsure
Round and round she goes, the world of Amanda Jones
I said round and round and round and round
The balls and the dinners and shows
The little girl she just wanders about
Till it's time for her coming out
Miss Amanda Jones
Round and round and round

Hugs,

April

More Notes From Suburbia…a continuing series

This girl clearly cannot handle her booze. I had a full evening planned work on cars and work on the computer….so what did I get accomplished nothing. I fell asleep and even slept in this morning. The half glass of wine I had with dinner was not a good idea….

Parent/teacher night at school, late dinner, homework with the children, bed time….I am beat. By the time they are off to school in the morning I feel as if I have put in a full day even before I have made it to work. Any GG’s reading will no doubt say welcome to womanhood that’s what being a mom is all about.

As I have said before, family and work responsibilities leave little time for anything other than sleep. In my misspent youth I was able to burn the candle at both ends and work in the garage late into the night.

It so frustrating , I need to make the time for all the issues surrounding transition but by the end of the day I am exhausted, not sure if it is just my schedule or a by product of the HRT. I am not giving up, I will just have to be more creative and keep myself motivated.

I had a terrible time remaining focused at work the last few months, things are a little better. I am not sure if it is more immediate deadlines or I am finally getting my mind back on track.

Construction has forced me to take a new route to work, after six years of taking the very same roads it feels really odd….I know you are saving wow can her life get any more exciting, can she take any more daring risks.

It is Thanksgiving weekend coming up here in the Dominion, we get a jump on our friends to the south. I love Turkey but of course have to watch what I eat. As of today my weight is exactly what Dr. O said it should be for surgery. I wish that was the only prerequisite for SRS and FFS.

My wife has been kind enough to call me April around the house more, a wonderful feeling when I hear my “real” name, like the sun breaking through a cloudy sky.

A little music to see you through to Friday, Blood & Honey by Amanda Lear. Despite her on and off again denials, Amanda is one of us. I get the impression she does not like to be reminded of that fact. As a woman since her surgery in the early sixties she has that right.

You can read more here:
http://zagria.blogspot.com/2008/07/amanda-lear-1939-performer.html

What Is Wrong With Me?

No I don’t mean being Trans, I am at peace with who I am and what I have to do to be myself.

By wrong I mean why am I not doing the things I need to do to make my female dreams a reality.

First and foremost I need a new job as I cannot transition where I am. True I am very busy in my current position, family responsibilities and cars but I have not made the time to search out that new job.

Am I afraid no one will want me?

Afraid I will end up in another job I cannot transition in and therefore right back to where I started?

Am I using my current position as a security blanket? The familiar status quo where I feel safe and more importantly “HE” feels safe. If “HE” keeps working there April will have to remain in the shadows and “HE” remains in control.

I need to finish the restoration on one of my collector cars, its sale would help pay for FSS and SRS. Am I afraid to finish and then sell as the car defines who I am as a man?

Putting off its completion as it helps him keep April in no man’s land.

Afraid that a new job and the funds for surgery will mean the end of my comfortable suburban family life and my safe and unquestioned existence as a man.

Wow, that is enough questions for now.

Hugs,

April

Right Woman for the Job?

OMG the shoes I could have bought for the same money! Just got the 76 Mark IV back ($$$) C6 trans was partially rebuilt with a new torque convertor, runs smoother now, more responsive and should be better on fuel. Spent a portion of last night laying in the rain reattaching an exhaust hanger. It is still raining here; I mean really I just cleaned the Lincoln’s rims again last night.

So I am thinking while laying in the rain, water dripping in my eyes as it runs down the side of the car….what the heck am I doing, really isn’t this a job for some guy. Don’t get me wrong I think women (actually everyone) should know how their car works and be able to sort out minor repairs and maintenance in a pinch.

It is just that I no longer want to play the bloke as Jenny might say, I hate getting grease under my nails and imbedded in my skin. I still like cars, scratch that LOVE cars I just want to drive them and wax them now and then. Also being a passenger is not so bad…just let me control the radio.

One point of concern post transition is will I not be able to engage in the occasional car repair if still want to. Will I be going too much against societal stereotypes? Will I have to keep my shameful hands on car restoration hidden behind garage doors?

Well I will cross the bridge when I come to it. Right now I am off to clean my nails.

Hugs,

April

Where Did My Weekend Go?

So busy on the weekend, cleaning, shopping, cooking (chocolate chip pancakes…yes I wore an apron), the children’s activities and sports, visiting family.

Don’t worry car stuff too, more disassembly of the Toronado’s sun roof mechanism. Results in a nut shell, leak is not the result of something broken or rusted but rather a design flaw. I am hoping that a new seal will cut down on any water getting past drain troughs. No time to install new carb on the Mark IV.

Sorting out Halloween costumes for the children, so far one Vampire and one princess and the oldest cannot decide between a black cat and Bellatrix from Harry Potter.

The weather is turning cold, walked the girls to school this morning and it was chilly. Sure in a few months these few degress above freezing will feel like a tropical heat wave. Sometimes I wonder why anyone lives above the 49th parallel. I give you all permission to go back to wearing pantyhose.

Planned to go out Sunday evening.....quickly selected an outfit did my nails and got ready. Had epilated the night before. Last minute cancellation meant I was all dressed up and no where to go. To late for the mall and would not even dream about going to a bar alone. Gave up went home and watched Mad Men with my, oh so patient wife and had tea and brownies.

I liked my makeup and outfit (black dress pants, silver top and a white sweater with a fur collar) but it just didn't come across in photos. Perhaps my coloring requires a darker choice of clothes? Also still getting some shadow, lots of hair gone with the laser sessions but dormant ones coming through, looking forward to getting rid of all of them!!!!

Didn't like any of my photos I just didn't feel feminine enough last night, was it the outfit or just the rush to get ready and then being disappointed. Makeup was ok and clothes nice but something was missing, especially compared to last week…. sometimes it is just how you feel.

My oldest daughter was very sweet this morning asking if she could help me pick out an outfit next week. That made up for a lot.

Hugs,

April

Impatience

I know that more time on hormones and more experience being out as a woman would be a good thing but I cannot help wanting to go full time NOW!

I would have gladly spoken with HR if I worked in a larger company that had a policy regarding such matters. Unfortunately I work in a predominantly male environment that if I were to come out as transgendered would mean the end of my career.

I need to change jobs, which still means time proving myself to my new employer before even thinking of transitioning on the job. Got to make myself invaluable first! More delays…

The façade is starting to crumble, if I don’t set myself even little transition goals or have some girl time to look forward to depression rushes in to fill the void.

Last night it reared its ugly head and I gladly let it wrap me in its suffocating blanket of self pity and hopelessness. Better this morning but still down and gender dysphoria was getting up to speed.

Morning commute, I glance over to the car on my right a blond is quickly fixing her make up in the rear view mirror, my heart catches and I am overwhelmed with envy and longing but not the kind she thinks when our eyes meet.

Felt a panic attack coming on the way to work but held it together and dried the tears by the time I pulled into the parking lot.

Just have to tell myself this is temporary…it does get better…

http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

Hugs,

April