Thanks Mom

I have been blogging for a little while now and although my mom knew she had not read it. She does know about me.

She had recently bought a lap top and is busy discovering the internet in earnest. So I took a chance and emailed her the link to my blog.

The other day at work I received a reply, with trepidation I read it then began to cry.

I hope she does not mind but here is part of the message:

"I cannot imagine how much turmoil you must have been in, and still are, but giving voice, however one does it, is so important … I struggled along with your anger and frustration in one blog and wished I could have helped, so have cried and empathized along with you, as well as admiring the photos. I would be proud to introduce you as my daughter".

I will treasure these words forever.

Thanks Mom

Hugs,

April

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder

Please don’t expect any deep thoughts today, just an excuse to post some recent pictures.

I didn’t mention I also made it out for coffee on Sunday with Natasha. Too bad we were both so tired that we had to limit our chat to just under an hour. Another black outfit and no I was never a Goth. Actually I don’t know if Goths existed when I was a teenager, punks yes.

I don’t know if I am becoming more confident or just don’t care. No one in the coffee shop seemed to stare at us or pay us any undue attention. That is all any of us want just to be another woman free to live her life.

Finally installed the new carb on the 72 Mark IV, just in time for her to go into storage. It looked so beautiful it was almost a shame to bolt it on…almost. See girls can appreciate mechanical perfection too.

That under hood shot represents 920 combined cubic inches. Still waiting for my thank you note from OPEC.

The 76 Mark IV is being its usual maddening self, lots of minor glitches but always ready to do battle on the morning commute. I really need a new “old” shaft style radio. I replaced the original unit with a cheap cassette deck I had squirreled away years ago for my late lamented 70 Riviera GS. The cassette allows me to play the iPod but the FM reception is very poor and sometimes you just want to listen to the news.

Don’t get me started on fuel consumption, single digit, I need to give her a tune up this weekend which I am sure will improve performance and economy.

On the open road portion of my morning journey with the cruise control on it is heaven.

Hugs,

April

Confessions of a Night Hawk

Being tired is not pretty.

I have always been a night hawk; even if I don’t have anything to do I will end up staying up late. The late late late show kind of late.

Of course having children means that if you want to do anything be it paper work, exercise or trying to find out why the climate control system of your vintage seventies luxury car only blows hot air…the hours of darkness are your only option.

For years I have gotten by on three to four hours sleep. The idea that other mortals slept eight or more seemed completely alien me.

Time for a change, I am making a conscious effort to organize my time better, get more done and to paradoxically try to get to bed earlier. Age or perhaps the effect of the hormones is making burning the candle at both ends an increasingly difficult task.

In the meantime there is always Starbucks and music to fuel the sleep deprived mind. Speaking of which here is a faster live version of the Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.

PS. Watch closely and you will see a car just like mine!



Hugs,

April

Better than Red Bull

After a bit of a dry spell I was able to get out on Saturday evening. Natasha, Ashley and I went into the big city where there are venues that cater to a more cosmopolitan crowd. Not exactly my cup of tea and certainly not my kind of music. However, when in Rome…

I was able to inflict my choice of music on the girls in the car as I was the designated driver. We took my wife’s Chrysler Town & Country as it has the room and is easier to park and far more inconspicuous than a vintage Lincoln Mark IV.

I was very happy to be out as April and despite a late night I was so fully of energy the next day I didn’t feel tired at all. Raked leaves, washed cars, cleaned the gutters and other assorted tasks and chores. Now if going full time gives me that sort of boost every day I will be unstoppable.

These were my two favorite pictures, black sweater dress, black tights and two inch heels, left the four inch heels in the car.

Hugs,

April

Like Riding a Bike

I find that when I have not gone out for a couple of weeks (only two in this case) my confidence takes a real beating. I start to worry if I can possibly pass, can I put together an outfit that looks good? I almost want the outing to be cancelled, I worry and get all stressed out. I stop feeling like a woman and start feeling like an awkward guy again.

Right now it is a lot of work to go out. Make up, nails, shaving, carefully choosing an outfit beforehand. Also having young children means I cannot simply head out the door anytime I want. All outings have to be planned like a military operation and like as not I end up running late.

When I have gone out and I am happy with my presentation I feel like I can conquer the world in heels and that I am more than ready to go full time. I am bursting with happiness and confidence. The next time will be even easier…just like riding a bike.

Why did I include the above image, well I just love her smile, the model and the Cadillac Eldorado. I have one, the Eldorado silly. Such an imposing grill but friendly, almost like she is smiling at you.

Hugs,

April

Cars & Girls

I was never self conscious about my choice of car before but as April I have had the odd twinge of reluctance to be seen behind the wheels of some of my cars.

First of all they are all unique and I could be possibly outing myself to be seen en femme in any of them. Even on this blog I am wary to mention exactly what year car I am currently obsessing over as an errant Google search could quickly lead back to my male persona. So no photos or discussion of the Caddy or Stutz until I am out!

I have most frequently used my Corvette or Oldsmobile Toronado as C3 Corvettes are a common sight in the summer and the Toronado although quite rare seems to have a stealth quality about that rivals a Klingon warbird.

If I was truly paranoid I would stick to the late model Chrysler Town & Country minivan that is the primary family transport.

The Lincoln Continentals are great cars and I have even driven the 72 to an LGBT event (it made for quite an entrance) but the 76 gives me pause. Not because it is unreliable or too unique (it is dropped and riding on 20s) but because it is in desperate need of paint….basically she is looking a bit too ghetto for my taste. As a guy I was not too self conscious about her appearance, it gave the Mark a rat rod mystique and alerted other car fans this was a work in process and I did the work.

Not the message I wanted to send as April, I found myself at the gas station recently admiring a pretty grey and silver 79 Cadillac Seville. A perfect April car I caught myself saying or maybe a nice Jaguar XJS convertible might be a good choice…

For a car “guy” who prided “himself” on being an iconoclast and driving whatever “he” thought cool this was heresy. I am still far from confident as my female self and anything out of the ordinary or not typically feminine is something I try to avoid, like pulling up to Payless Shoes in a lowrider.

I know that I love cars whatever my gender and I have no intention of abandoning that part of myself when I transition. The intensity of that affair may diminish somewhat but I could no more deny that part of myself as I could go back into the closest so to speak.

Somewhere in here is a lesson about being true to oneself also I need to spruce up the Mark IV so it is mall ready. Did you know her metallic jade green almost matches my favorite MAC eye shadow?

Hugs

April

I Can’t F..king Take This S..t Anymore

The first thought that popped into my mind as I felt tears well up in my eyes. You would think something terrible happened. Actually nothing of the sort, simply that I was unable to go out last night.

It is not the going out part it is the ability to present fully as April. To be myself, to be who I long to be all the time. My much-anticipated end of the week reward, coffee with one or two girlfriends was cancelled.

A minor inconvenience to be sure but it had an emotional impact out of all proportion. I was very upset and angry at the same time. Not angry with anyone in particular but with the situation, with my inability to transition now!

I have played out this scenario too many times. I needed to tell someone why I felt this way and to take ownership of the anger and sadness. I wanted to yell that I was fed up with living 99% of my life as male when I am not one. I could no longer take my life as April doled out in tiny pieces.

Angry that I had worked hard all week and all weekend, that I deserved this! Was two or three hours as myself too much to ask the frakkin' universe? The emotional turmoil was a quick trip back into depression, a destination I had successfully avoided for a few weeks.

After a long sulk, I cooled down a bit, watched the season finale of Mad Men, and then went for a walk in the still autumn air. I like walking at night, so quiet though one does have to keep an eye out for skunks.

I used my walk to seek some reflection; the severity of my reaction should not have come as a surprise. The opportunity to go out serves to release the pressure of gender dysphoria. I find that even a brief sojourn as April has a beneficial effect that can last for days.

I wish I could say that this incident was a catalyst for immediate change, that I would go full time; unfortunately my job gets in the way. What to do, go back to being a guy…impossible. I know I cannot keep living as male nor can I exist in this in between state for much longer. The best I can do is to use this to spur me on to make my transition a reality.

Thanks for reading.

Hugs,

April