It’s 2011, Choose Your Path

I really want 2011 to be the year! The job hurdle has to be overcome but I feel that I cannot wait any longer, that there is a timetable not of my making. I jealously guard any steps forward and am loath to back track even when it may make sense.

Friends and family remind me that I have made great progress. I know it is true but I still feel stuck. To use a common metaphor, when your bell has rung, now cannot be too soon. To have the veil lifted from your eyes after a lifetime demands an immediate response






Reading A Writer at War: Vasily Grossman with the Red Army. A Christmas present from mom! He was a Soviet era war correspondent but wrote amazingly openly. The reports from Treblinka and the subsequent Russian occupation of Germany are heartbreaking.

http://www.sovlit.com/bios/grossman.html

Felt myself becoming rather depressed last night but managed to keep the black dogs at bay with a search for local head hunters and then an hour on the tread mill.

Jeez all this serious stuff sounding rather Russian myself.

Ok here is a totally guilty pleasure, too bad there isn't a punk version, Oh those Russians....

Hugs,


April

Hair Today...

Got out for coffee with Ashley on Saturday night. Very nice to be out and catch up. No, didn’t get my ears pierced yet, but I will, I promise.

I did however make it to the salon on Thursday after work. It was a near thing as a postponed meeting got in the way and I had to fight traffic and it seemed every red traffic light to get there on time.

Compared to my last attempt to visit to a salon this was one was a great success. The stylist, who was recommended by Ashley, was very nice and open. I showed her some photos and she understood what I wanted to end up with.

I just had a light trim as I am still growing out my hair. On Saturday as I was getting ready I seriously contemplated foregoing the wig. The cut looks more feminine but I feel the longer hair still helps mask male characteristics both physical and subconscious. I am also cursed with pin straight hair that makes it quite hard to disguise a male hairline.

It will be liberating to eventually abandon wigs. I don’t know how long I can continue to grow my hair as potential job interviews may force a no nonsense Don Draper cut if I can’t make my hair look sufficiently neat and masculine.

It was Ashley who showed up without any tonsorial enhancement and she looked great! Very feminine and very natural. Jealous of course but in a good way.

I did make one small advancement in presenting a more natural me, hormones and a flattering bra meant that for the first time I was able to venture out as April without breast forms. I am not quite ready to give them up yet but it does help with my overall confidence.

A little music to dance around like a loony to… while I was out on Saturday I caught the tail end of a Rockabilly radio show on satellite radio. “J” has Sirius in her Chrysler, while I have only the latest in 8-track technology in my Toronado. Anyway despite my vast and excellent musical knowledge I had never heard Kirby St. Romain’s cover of Chuck’s Oh Baby Doll.

Enjoy:




Hugs,

April

End of the Century

The drive in to work this morning was challenging, not snow but fog. At first the fog made the surrounding snow covered countryside look ghost like and immaterial then it swallowed it entirely.

The route I take passes through a construction zone with a number of “S”curves, which are hard enough to navigate in a 19 ft long car in the daytime let alone with only a few feet of visibility.

The strangely peaceful work days between Christmas and New Years are coming to an end and Monday will hit like a ton of bricks. January looks like it will be a busy month.

The long weekend, end of year get togethers and other commitments will likely mean that I will not get out as this week. Trying to keep focused on the job search should keep me from going completely squirrely.

Claire responded to one of my Ramones posts recommending the documentary End of the Century. Its great, stayed up way to late watching it. You can find the whole thing on You Tube, here is part 1:



You have to love Johnny, punk rock Republican. Anyone who says they were for Nixon in 1960 at age ten is just too cool.

Hugs,

April

Little Fears and Pierced Ears

The work days between Christmas and New Year are quiet in the office. Nevertheless I usually set myself up with too many things on my morning to do list.

One thing I have been trying to do today is overcome my fear. The nature of my job has meant that I have had to become comfortable speaking in public and asking other companies for huge amounts of money. I am more reticent selling myself but as a new job is a priority I have to bite the bullet and make those follow up calls.

Other fears I am trying to face down, time for a return trip to the salon, hopefully it will go a little better than the last time. Number two get ears pierced, I am determined to do this even though it makes little sense...what will people say? I think I need some concrete evidence I am moving forward. A little push to get the car back on the right road….

Slept through another alarm, this cold or flu, whatever it is, is making me very groggy come morning. Nothing java can’t cure.

“J” reminded me that I should have added the word expensive in front of “nice gold necklace”. I thought that would have been a given.

Hugs,

April

Eventually

Back at work this Tuesday, the office is quiet and the commute hassle free as most people (retail) excepted seem to be off on holiday still.

I had a nice quiet Christmas spent close to home, the children were soundly spoiled between us and grand parents. Wife “J” bought me a very nice gold necklace and a jewelry box.

Far too cold for any car work, checked tire pressures and fixed a burned out tail light bulb, which was all the cold my fingers could take.

Any holiday depression was confined to Sunday. I had spent all Christmas day as April so a return to male mode on the Monday put me in the doldrums. It is such a psychological high to be oneself that any return to the false armor of maleness becomes an unbearable low.

Still 2011 beckons with the promise of hope and change (hmmm might make a good campaign slogan). Before 2010 is consigned to the dustbin of history all of us who enjoy the hard won gifts of democracy should be thankful for the accident of our birth. No, not that we were born the wrong gender but that we have the freedom to do something about it.

Chinese poem: “Waiting for you to come”
I waited for you the other day,
But you did not come.
Knowing that you would not come,
I only hoped that you would come.
Until now, you still haven’t come,
Yet I am still hoping that you could come.
Eventually, you will come,
And I will always wait for you to come.
(1989.12)

beijingdoll.wordpress.com


Hugs,

April

My Zombie Christmas Wish To You

Vintage public service announcement, great Zombie disposal tips and great fifties fashions.

Merry Christmas,

April

Christmas Eve, Elvis and the Ramones

Christmas eve, I hope everyone has someone to share the season with.

The roads and stores were crazy here yesterday so apart from early morning grocery shopping we stayed close to home. It is so nice to have even a few days away from the work to spend with the family.

I was actually looking forward to going to church this evening but the oldest child is sick so I am staying home while "J" takes the younger ones.

Why car photos, well I washed the accumulated road salt and grime from the Chrysler Town & Country Limited (my wife says I am pompous when I call it that). See it is possible to wash a car at home is sub zero weather!

Also started and ran the Lincoln Mark IV after letting the block heater warm the oil for an hour or two. I like the picture looks like the car is so big you can see the curvature of the earth.

Took the Toronado (not washed yet) out to buy ginger ale for the oldest's upset stomach and had a nice chat with a man from Ohio about Oldsmobiles and vintage cars in general. Said he hadn't seen a 78 XS in decades.

Still some gifts to wrap and A Christmas Carol (Alastair Sims version) or It's A Wonderful Life to watch. I cry at the end of both of them even without hormones.

Here is Elvis singing Here Comes Santa Claus, check out the cool photos Elvis and Priscilla in a snowy Memphis.

Too saccharin, how about the Ramones...





Merry Christmas,

April