Coward or Knowing When to Shut Up?

I would not say that I have conquered my depression, rather with support from my family, some progress on my journey and therapy I have fought it to a cold war standstill.

Unfortunately little things can still set me off and the black dogs slip their chains.

Sunday was an extended family gathering, over lunch the topic of the Thai airline that recruited and hired transsexual flight attendants came up. What we see as a small but welcome sign of acceptance in the wider world

was greeted with skepticism, ridicule and confusion.

I find it hard to describe how hurt and angry I felt. I wanted to deliver a stern lecture regarding the difference between transvestite and transsexual. I wanted to make a case for equal rights and tell them about the often life or death struggle anyone trans must go through.

Of course I instead stayed silent, a well intentioned defence would only raise questions I was not yet prepared to answer. Like a tropical storm front my face clouded over and I lapsed into silence for the rest of the gathering. I caught that knowing look from "J", the one that says I know but shake it off and put on a brave face. Unlike her I am terrible at hiding my emotions….a womanly trait I have yet to master?

I guess what hurt was that this person/people will know all about me soon enough, perhaps before the year is out. I don't want to be the punch line in anyone's joke. I should be more charitable and put it all down as an idle comment born of ignorance and instead look forward to ambassadorial role to come.

On the plus side I got to walk my daughter to school this morning and played a spirited game of tag before the bell rang.

Hugs,

April

Day One Year Zero

Not to make fun of the bloody history of Cambodia but in my own life a revolution has taken place. Today (St.Valentine's Day) no I didn't plan it that way, is the first day of my new job working from home.

I wish it meant my first day as April 24/7 but I hope that will come this year. That is my plan, that is my goal and this job is a big part of it, fingers crossed it will allow me the freedom to finally be me.

I am at the computer dressed casually as April, jeans, bra, white t-shirt, a little eye makeup, wonderfully normal.

Lots of challenges ahead but I am excited, I was ready to go this morning, I have not looked forward to getting to work for some time. I am basically doing the same job I did before but more responsibility and more creative control.

I didn't get out on the weekend as we had lots of family stuff going on. I was "J's" escort to a formal affair at a very exclusive country club. It was a dinner for her company. Lots of looking for a dress beforehand, for her not me, I just wore my black suit. She looked great in her new outfit, black too, I think all the women in attendance wore black...very funereal.

Looked enough like a guy though my hair is too long. "J" later told me I was sitting too feminine. To make matters worse I was unsure what to drink, "J" says order a Cosmopolitan. All the guys are drinking beer and I am walking around with a pink drink in a Martini glass, only the little umbrella was missing.

Interacted well enough though an undercurrent of sadness as I felt somewhat the impostor and somewhat too comfortable in a role I wish I could abandon. Still a really nice evening out.

Hugs,

April

Feeling Normal

I had the opportunity to get out with my girlfriend Natasha last night, which improved my outlook on life tremendously. Window shopping at the mall then coffee for a long chat, lots to catch up on as we had not been out together since before Christmas.

I do get out on a semi regular basis but usually only for coffee with the girls or a rare trip to downtown Toronto. A trip to mall was a little nerve racking, on "J's" advice I went with a black jacket with fur edging instead of the leopard so I would blend in as much as possible. Despite some initial butterflies I was OK, held my head up and walked with confidence.

It was a quiet night so we were waylayed by every salesperson in every store we went in. A surprising number knew Natasha!

None of the gourmet coffee places stay open late so we settled for the Canadian staple, Tim Hortons.

The GID had been very strong the last few days and the chance to just be me for an evening has left me considerably more relaxed. Is this how "normal" people feel all the time?

Hugs,

April

I think I featured Shakin Stevens the other week so how about another eighties Rockabilly cat, Robert Gordon. Here he is on the cult Canadian sketch comedy show, SCTV:

End of the Beginning

I apologize as it has been a day or two since my last post. Tuesday was my final day at my old job, we had a company lunch, I took the last of my personal stuff to my car, said good bye to all the guys. I made a final few calls to clients, handed over my computer and phone passwords then drove home.

It was surprisingly emotional but I didn't look back. In September I would have been there ten years, unimaginable when I started. It was kind of like leaving home, so many memories whether good or bad, I still spent a fair percentage of my life there.

I knew I had been doing the job too long when I would look back on a project and think it was last year and it was actually five years ago. After so, long all the seasons and episodes blended into each other.

Tuesday night I was emotionally drained and totally physically exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep.

Another issue that has kept me from blogging is dealing with my eldest daughter. I have naturally been reluctant to discuss any details but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and not candy coat the realities of being Trans.

Not yet a teenager, the normally happy student and gifted writer has developed an aversion to school. There are other issues but my transition is at the top of her list of worries.

I feel terribly guilty and thoughts of giving up on my transition abound. The black tendrils of depression once again encircled my heart and I felt myself shutting down. I believed myself to be a selfish monster.

I attended a school that was very religious though not evangelical, I always read that God only sets us tasks we normally would never want to do. At first I thought that was transition, rather it appears that not transitioning is the task I do not wish to embark on. I am not that strong, the years before me of pretending to be a guy, to play the role of strong silent family man. Content to numb himself with a succession of old cars, politics, history books anything to distract me.

I escaped into exercise until the sweat stung my eyes and matted my hair to my head. I cursed God, for making me this way, for making me too weak to fight it, to take this bitter cup from before me. I told him to strike me down with a heart attack, make my car slide on the ice and crash, I double dog dared him. I ran and ran till I fell off the tread mill putting my foot through the wall, the only injury being to my pride.

I had a long talk with "J", not transitioning is NOT the answer. To try and go back now is impossible, relationships have permanently changed and as she reminded me a happy and engaged parent is better than an emotionally dead shell of a man. As she noted before the only photos of me smiling are as April.

The long march forward continues, big changes are on the horizon, I need to be positive so I am there for my children.

Hugs,

April

Here is a tune by Sweden's Top Cats, this will get you going better than a cup of Starbucks:

Important Anniversaries, Commercials and Zombies

First a couple of missed anniversaries, I recently passed one hundred posts (where is my medal) and more importantly Sunday was the hundredth anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s birth.

“The Gipper” is seen by both sides of the political divide as a totemic figure worthy of quoting to make a point. It was during his first term in office that I realized I was a conservative. It took me longer to realize other things about myself and no I don’t find the two to be mutually exclusive.

I always thought he was a great man and the undeserved scorn heaped upon him by the pundits lead me to a healthy distrust of the media and taught me to think for myself more than any school or university.

This is not a political blog so I won’t go any further except to say what another giant of my youth, Margaret Thatcher said at his funeral,

"Well done, Thou good and faithful servant."

An epitaph that anyone should be proud.

To see some of his greatest speeches check out the always excellent Ace of Spades blog:

http://ace.mu.nu/

I am not a fan of football (or any sports really) but I do love advertising. Car commercials predominated at the Superbowl. VW takes the win for their pint sized Darth Vader but the Miss Evelyn Camaro ad made me want to sign my life away one easy payment at a time. Anyone else think Miss Evelyn looked like Joan from Mad Men?

I will not claim to be a “Gleek” but I really did enjoy last nights episode. Being more of a traditionalist, there I go being a conservative again, the version of the Zombies, She’s Not There, in full zombie makeup was super cool.

Of course a little while ago I would not have even admitted to watching this show, I would have locked myself in the garage and cleaned and regapped some spark plugs. See even conservatives can change. Look at that I tied everything up neatly, see you'll tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Astral Ascension

My tenure at my own Sterling Cooper is almost over. I have slowly de-contented my office of books, car parts (a surprisingly large number) and pictures.

Wednesday morning will feel so strange I am sure I will have to stop myself from driving to work on autopilot. On the way to work I was thinking about all the cars I have driven here over the last nine years; three different Lincoln Continental Mark IVs (still have two of them), 1970 Riviera GS (destroyed in an accident), a Stutz Blackhawk and my current daily driver Toronado. Of course there were a few more but these were the ones in regular service. My in car music delivery has evolved from cassette to cd changer to ipod.

Listening to the Cramps today, great band. Hearing them for the first time was almost as eye opening as hearing Elvis’ Sun sessions. A sound that opened whole new vistas. If I could be in a band it would be this one.

My brother and I even saw them live one time and lived to tell! We were up at the front of the stage for the opening act (lame) when the Cramps came on we were swamped by a crush of crazed fans and pummelled by a sonic wall of noise, Lux’s screaming and Ivy’s staccato guitar. It was all we could do to make it up to the relative safety of the balcony and pray our hearing survived. They were playing when I was in Las Vegas on business many years later, I wish I had gone.

Lux passed away in 2009, his partner/wife/band mate Poison Ivy gave him a most appropriate and loving farewell at the Self Realization Fellowship, Elvis’ own spiritual hang out in LA.

Read all about his Astral Ascension here:

http://blogs.laweekly.com/westcoastsound/2009/03/lux_interiors_astral_ascension.php#

Almost as cool as my own preferred Viking funeral and black marble pyramid final resting place. Or if on a budget I will accept one of those weeping Victorian angels.

As you might tell from this live performance, being Trans would not have raised any eyebrows in this group.

The above photos are from the Date with Elvis album (one of their best) and a real early version of the band with Miriam Linna of Kicks and Norton Records fame. Read about her early history with the Cramps at her blog:

http://kicksville66.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-first-band-cramps-1976-pt-1.html

Hugs,

April

PS. YOU’RE A CRAMP NOW! YOU CAN’T GO BACK

I Survived the Groundhog Day Storm and am Still Waiting for my T Shirt

Looks like I survived the snowmageddon. Safe and warm back home at the end of the day. Came home to find "J" had cleaned the driveway to perfection! Thanks!

Made it into work at my usual time. Roads were quiet but a little slippery, most roads on my commute had yet to be plowed. Was in before my soon to be former boss…ha ;)

Toronados rule!

Feeling rather useless and out of place at work as the last few days of my sentence are served. I have been training a replacement (like I could be replaced). Don't feel like answering any more questions, want to get on with my new life! It is like having the ghost of Christmas future looking over my shoulder constantly.

I understand he just wants to put his own mark on things but man it is annoying.

Confident in my decision to leave.

Have been watching season three of Mad Men, the episode where Don and Betty go to Rome was great. It was interesting as I found myself identifying with Betty, especially as she so coolly and expertly fielded advances from the locals. Check out the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_bZruCcNIc

And Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow….so early spring!

On a sad note tomorrow is February 3rd....

Hugs,

April