Merry Christmas .... You Filthy Animals ok ok ....I had great plans to post something everyday leading up to Christmas but working in retail means that this time of year is madness. Once I'm home (and still some dilating necessary) I am too beat to do more than crawl into bed.

ok ok ....I had great plans to post something everyday leading up to Christmas but working in retail means that this time of year is madness. Once I'm home (and still some dilating necessary) I am too beat to do more than crawl into bed.

Oh yeah I almost forgot.....I hate Christmas!

The over commercialisation, the pressure to create a perfect holiday, the perfect gifts the perfect meal, etc etc. The damned expense!!!! A December to Remember.....if I see one more luxury car commercial with a red bow I will go  nuclear.

Heck, I love luxury cars but who gives $100,000 vehicles like they were sweaters. Mercedes and Lexus I'm looking at you.

Seriously, the season on the whole makes me depressed, I've never been a fan. The separation of my family and only getting to see my daughters for half of the day, being a guest in my former home is difficult and emotionally trying.

I know a lot of "normal" people feel the same way, the malls are filled with grumpy, surly and sometimes downright rude shoppers. The roads and mall parking lots alike are like a scene from Death Race 2000.

Today was the Christmas pageant at my ex's church (as Groucho said, I would not want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member). I got to attend and surprisingly didn't spontaneously combust upon crossing the threshold.

I think I do know why I have always hated the holidays. It is an emotional time. Before transition it was the pain of hiding who I was and now it is the loss of that prior normalcy. The nuclear family, the white picket fence, the perfect family Christmas.

But even my grinch like heart can feel what is still good about Christmas on the day, visiting as many family and friends as I can cram into 24 hours. That I look forward to.

Merry Christmas.....you filthy animals

the Plaza Hotel in Niagara Falls, Miss Monroe stayed in room 801when filming Niagara in 1953 

a rather wetter blonde

Heart of Ashes….or how I was dumped on Halloween. I went on a date last Friday and it only ended a week later. A whirlwind romance that gave me my first taste of real happiness.

a happier time

Heart of Ashes….or how I was dumped on Halloween

I went on a date last Friday and it only ended a week later. A whirl wind romance that gave me my first taste of real happiness. 

A doctor who drove a Corvette, liked some of same music, someone I had so much in common with, we clicked from the minute we met.

The emotional and physical closeness was intoxicating. Like a junkie on heroin I couldn’t get enough after my first fix.

Normally I am a glass half empty kinda gal who moves carefully I followed their lead and flew too close to the sun. We tried to spend every minute we could together, then on Halloween night it was over, I still don’t fully understand the reasons, I guess it doesn’t matter why just that it is over and it wasn’t my decision.

I cannot describe the hurt, I had only recently dug my way painfully out of depression and now I find myself in an even lower level of hell. The day before I remember being in my car and thinking that all the pain of the last few months and years was worth it since I finally found true happiness.

I was stupid happy like my BFF Cass says, they even accepted my past history with empathy. I was bursting with joy, I drove too fast and played the much too loud, not with my usual death wish but out of sheer unadulterated happiness.

Instead it was snatched away the next day. I wish I had never known what it feels like to be happy as now I will crave it like a drug. I am going through terrible withdrawal pains. I have howled and cried and cursed God at the unfairness of it all.

My friends say I am strong and that I am a fighter but I have taken a serious blow and I don’t know if I can get up again. 

One of my favorite sad songs.... 

 

the four pumpkins of the apocalypse, i carved for the children

my Corvette Stingray inspired pumpkin

RED HOT (or perhaps just wildly warm)

 Red dress, date night....

Brian Setzer doing the classic Billy Lee Riley tune, My Gal Is Red Hot....

Plastic Phantastic, In which I refer to my Corvette not any surgeries I may have had ;)

We are having a summer after all, a spate of beautiful early fall days that have been hot and sunny. Yesterday I had some errands to run and it seemed too good a day not to take out the Corvette.

Like me she is somewhat “customized”. She has a SharkBite coil over conversion so corners well but rides rough on city streets. On a smooth highway it feels awesome.

Being of English extraction I am not given to emotional outburts but heading home after visiting my friend Tasha, who took the photos BTW I pulled onto the QEW and rocketed into the fast lane, T roofs off and the radio blasting rockabilly….I couldn’t resist and let out yell of pure joy.   

 

The adrenalin rush was intense, once home and the small block cooling off in the driveway I was bouncing around the house like Tigger on speed.