The drive in to work this morning was challenging, not snow but fog. At first the fog made the surrounding snow covered countryside look ghost like and immaterial then it swallowed it entirely.
The route I take passes through a construction zone with a number of “S”curves, which are hard enough to navigate in a 19 ft long car in the daytime let alone with only a few feet of visibility.
The strangely peaceful work days between Christmas and New Years are coming to an end and Monday will hit like a ton of bricks. January looks like it will be a busy month.
The long weekend, end of year get togethers and other commitments will likely mean that I will not get out as this week. Trying to keep focused on the job search should keep me from going completely squirrely.
Claire responded to one of my Ramones posts recommending the documentary End of the Century. Its great, stayed up way to late watching it. You can find the whole thing on You Tube, here is part 1:
You have to love Johnny, punk rock Republican. Anyone who says they were for Nixon in 1960 at age ten is just too cool.
The work days between Christmas and New Year are quiet in the office. Nevertheless I usually set myself up with too many things on my morning to do list.
One thing I have been trying to do today is overcome my fear. The nature of my job has meant that I have had to become comfortable speaking in public and asking other companies for huge amounts of money. I am more reticent selling myself but as a new job is a priority I have to bite the bullet and make those follow up calls.
Other fears I am trying to face down, time for a return trip to the salon, hopefully it will go a little better than the last time. Number two get ears pierced, I am determined to do this even though it makes little sense...what will people say? I think I need some concrete evidence I am moving forward. A little push to get the car back on the right road….
Slept through another alarm, this cold or flu, whatever it is, is making me very groggy come morning. Nothing java can’t cure.
“J” reminded me that I should have added the word expensive in front of “nice gold necklace”. I thought that would have been a given.
Back at work this Tuesday, the office is quiet and the commute hassle free as most people (retail) excepted seem to be off on holiday still.
I had a nice quiet Christmas spent close to home, the children were soundly spoiled between us and grand parents. Wife “J” bought me a very nice gold necklace and a jewelry box.
Far too cold for any car work, checked tire pressures and fixed a burned out tail light bulb, which was all the cold my fingers could take.
Any holiday depression was confined to Sunday. I had spent all Christmas day as April so a return to male mode on the Monday put me in the doldrums. It is such a psychological high to be oneself that any return to the false armor of maleness becomes an unbearable low.
Still 2011 beckons with the promise of hope and change (hmmm might make a good campaign slogan). Before 2010 is consigned to the dustbin of history all of us who enjoy the hard won gifts of democracy should be thankful for the accident of our birth. No, not that we were born the wrong gender but that we have the freedom to do something about it.
Chinese poem: “Waiting for you to come” I waited for you the other day, But you did not come. Knowing that you would not come, I only hoped that you would come. Until now, you still haven’t come, Yet I am still hoping that you could come. Eventually, you will come, And I will always wait for you to come. (1989.12)
Christmas eve, I hope everyone has someone to share the season with.
The roads and stores were crazy here yesterday so apart from early morning grocery shopping we stayed close to home. It is so nice to have even a few days away from the work to spend with the family.
I was actually looking forward to going to church this evening but the oldest child is sick so I am staying home while "J" takes the younger ones.
Why car photos, well I washed the accumulated road salt and grime from the Chrysler Town & Country Limited (my wife says I am pompous when I call it that). See it is possible to wash a car at home is sub zero weather!
Also started and ran the Lincoln Mark IV after letting the block heater warm the oil for an hour or two. I like the picture looks like the car is so big you can see the curvature of the earth.
Took the Toronado (not washed yet) out to buy ginger ale for the oldest's upset stomach and had a nice chat with a man from Ohio about Oldsmobiles and vintage cars in general. Said he hadn't seen a 78 XS in decades.
Still some gifts to wrap and A Christmas Carol (Alastair Sims version) or It's A Wonderful Life to watch. I cry at the end of both of them even without hormones.
Here is Elvis singing Here Comes Santa Claus, check out the cool photos Elvis and Priscilla in a snowy Memphis.
I want a Chuck Berry Record and a picture of Elvis too….. well that is a given isn’t it.
Can’t believe I had not heard this one before, George Thorogood delivers a great holiday stormer that will have you dancing around the room. Has a great Dave Edmunds sound. Set the way back machine to 1981 to MTV’s first year Christmas party.
Extra special added bonus, pink 59 Cadillac at the beginning of the video (Santa’s sleigh ?) and just who is that playing old Saint Nick, is it Johnny Lee Hooker or Bo Diddley?!?
Feel free to comment on the fashions and the shortness of the dresses Santa’s helpers are wearing.
I still have some shopping to do, yikes!
Really messed up yesterday, I thought my wife had the day off so I quietly got up made coffee, took out the trash and was on my way as quiet as a mouse. I get a phone message later that day, she had to work that day and had to drive the children to my mothers….whoops.
Luckily by then she could see the humorous side since she still managed to drop off the kids and get to work close to on time. She had told me the night before but I was so tired from coughing all night with this cold going around that I was a total zombie. Don’t know how I made it to work, I think the car just remembers the way there.
Another resume out yesterday and another queued up, perhaps North Central Positronics is hiring…
Dear constant readers, hope your Christmas preparations are all in order and if not you better get busy. Those of you, who don’t celebrate the season, count yourselves lucky….just kidding…somewhat. I am hopelessly behind even more than usual but I am blaming work.
Sorry didn’t post yesterday as we were filming late into the evening. I was hoping for a bit of a break today but another urgent assignment got to drop everything and do that. Cannot even take any time off as planned since we have an early January deadline to meet.
Thank goodness for my wife as she has picked up the slack and infused the house with Christmas decorations and spirit.
My current job is a roadblock to my transition. The only option is to make the time to find another position. I am working hard to make that happen and have already sent off some resumes but finding the time is difficult. I need to do more to realize my destiny.
I attended two Christmas open houses last week, both were very pleasant affairs, I had a real bad day at work Friday so the first event was somewhat over shadowed by my experience earlier that day.
I am a lot less shy than I used to be but at one point found myself both literally and figuratively sitting alone between the men and the women. I certainly know which side I wish to be on, however in my present state I seem to be neither one nor the other.
The second get together, apart from a brief discussion about the merits of snow tires found me hanging out on the female side of the room. I was more comfortable there but had to feign either shock or ignorance when it came to certain topics.
Hugs,
April
I have no idea if this 1988 song by Joe Strummer has anything to do with being Trans despite the word being in the title. The track from the movie Permanent Record has obscure Dylanesque lyrics and a great beat.
The horror comic cover was borrowed from the Rev. Frost site, if you like the kind of music I tend to post check him out and be sure to download his latest Christmas Mix:
Dr. Spiegel, one of basically four experts in facial feminization surgery was giving a lecture in Toronto. I had a consultation with him in Atlanta at the Southern Comfort Conference in 2009. I came away very impressed and was determined that if I were to have surgery it would be with him.
I welcomed the opportunity to hear him speak again and it would be a chance to push my own envelope and make another trip to the big city as April, oh and in daylight too!
The lecture was scheduled for 11:00 am and my meeting with Dr. Spiegel was at 1:15 pm. The drive into Toronto can be unpredictable as to traffic and weather so I wanted to leave around nine in order to make it downtown and park without being too pressed for time.
The household was in general chaos as the children had dance and swimming classes that morning and my wife would have to take them herself, always a stressful job.
Wanting to look as natural as possible I choose a favorite pair of jeans, black top with lace trim and a black sweater. I did my make up and nails and was ready to go by quarter past nine.
Not having come out to my neighbors yet some stealth was necessary in leaving my little slice of suburbia. A heavy male bomber jacket, runners and dark glasses made me fairly indistinguishable from my workaday male self.
The roads were clear and I made it into Toronto in good time and found convenient underground parking close to 519 Church where the lecture would be held. Once the Toronado was dry docked I was able to switch over to boots, female coat and of course a wig. I have been letting my natural hair grow and had a little trouble of getting the wig to sit right.
I had some difficulty finding the place but made it with enough time to touch up my face. I can’t say I was really happy with my look at first, just couldn’t seem to get the hair right. Perhaps I was just feeling too self conscious.
When I go out I am usually very nervous for the first 45 minutes or so, Saturday was no exception. As I waited for the lecture to begin I began to get more and more agitated, I felt I looked too much like a guy, comparing myself unfavorably with the other attendees, the majority of whom I guessed were full time.
Once the lecture began I relaxed considerably and even laughed at some of Doctor Spiegel’s jokes. It was all very interesting and I learned a lot. While I was waiting for my consultation I started chatting with two other girls.
They were quite complimentary regarding my outfit and appearance, doing wonders for my self confidence. Later we went for coffee, it was quite normal and at the same time sublime. Just three women out on the town and having a chat, a wonderful experience.
I began to feel that all was not black and that I could do this (transition) after all, and do it successfully.
Dr. Spiegel remembered me from Atlanta and we reviewed the procedures he recommended to feminize my face. I wish I could have the surgery tomorrow. No it is not cheap and a beloved car or two will have to be sold. I love my cars but I know what is more important in this situation.
I journeyed home with a lighter heart and was able to spend the rest of the day with my family as myself. Another wonderful experience.
I was exhausted by days end, the stresses of leaving the house and getting into the city had drained me but I went to bed that evening as happy as I have been in a long long time.
Hugs,
April
So how can I work in an Elvis video??? Well he did play one in the movie Change of Habit. No cracks about his knowledge of pharmacology and type casting....
Once the words have left your lips there is no taking them back, I want to be a woman, I want to transition. Some might insist that it is I am a woman and I must transition.
In 1519, Capitan Hernando Cortes set fire to his fleet, or so they say, giving his army no way to escape, victory would be their only savior. It worked he defeated the Aztec Empire and Spain made South America hers.
There is no going back, our ships are burnt upon the shore and I wish for us all to dance in the sight of their flames.
Travelling into the big city tomorrow as April! As they say getting there is half the fun…
I am lucky that those closest to me read this blog, my mother for one. She suggested I feature Edith Piaf’s signature tune, Non, je ne regrette rien, "No,I regret nothing". I know a bit of a dramatic choice but is a beautiful song and when played at the end of her bio pic La Vie En Rose, it will leave you in tears.
I was vaguely familiar with the tune and Piaf’s tough but amazing life story but I did not know that this tune was adopted by the Foreign Legion. It was sung as the leaders of the failed 1961 Algerian coup surrendered themselves to prison and disgrace. Oh how wonderfully French.
Please listen not as the soundtrack to a defiant last stand (but a great choice) but more as a declaration of strength and hope for the future.
Some synchronicity as I have been dreaming of the South of France, an ideal warm and peaceful escape from the stresses of work and the chill of winter....just let me take my Corvette please.
The last week has been a difficult one with my depression resurfacing with all the ill temper of the recent winter weather those of us in the New World have endured. Dealing with these demons while at work was particularly challenging. In my mind I had a number of stories prepared for why I looked so distraught. Luckily my office is relatively private and no one barged in yesterday.
I am sure my depression was evident in my posts, sorry for being such a downer, I am sure I sound like a whiney bitch. I was asked what is stopping me?
Good question, technically nothing except it would be my last day at work. My current position and thus the financial security of my family and myself would be sacrificed. If I were alone in the world I really would not care and would let the chips fall where they may.
The way forward should be clear, find another position. The difficulty and hard work associated with finding a new job and questions of do I tell when should I tell seemed to have paralyzed me into indecision.
A good friend reminded me that my destiny is womanhood and that I must work hard to grasp my goal, to allow myself to give up would be to condemn myself to the abyss.
Clearly I cannot maintain the status quo and must make the new job my utmost priority forsaking everything else. As Woody Harrelson said in Zombieland, “time to nut up or shut up”….perhaps an ironic choice in inspirational speeches but it was a cool movie…anybody got a Twinkie?
When I find a new song I like I usually play it constantly, so dig this undiscovered gem (to me at least) of the Tall Boys tribute to The Island of Lost Souls, great rolling, twangy groove:
When I was younger the sound of the Tall Boys, Final Kick emanating from my old tube stereo was a signal I was in a bad mood, understatement more like when I was really really angry. When it felt like the blood was burning in my veins.
Something about this tune, perhaps the best psychobilly 45 ever, that both gave voice to and burnt out my rage. The male me was always angry and perhaps only happy when giving voice to that anger….I hate being this way.
I am listening to that song today.
Why?
Frustration with my life in waiting, fueled by jealousy of others who are free to move forward has overwhelmed me. No I am not proud of my emotions and much of that anger gets turned inwards.
I alternately, just want to set the world on fire or crawl into a deep dark hole.
Stole that line from the classic Darlene Love song, Christmas (baby please come home). Helped put up the tree yesterday, dug out all the Christmas CDs including the amazing Phil Spector Christmas album, it even snowed creating a winter wonderland outside, but the Spirit of Christmas Present remains a stranger to me.
Darlene’s soulful plea is a honest note for those not feeling the whole Marshmallow World vibe.
Part of the problem is work, very busy laboring on a television project that is due in early January. Filmed this weekend and things went well, still one more shoot day to organize.
As part of the filming, put lots of miles on my old Toronado. She drove all over the place even across the border to Buffalo and back with nary a complaint.
Not bad for a thirty plus year old car but I do feel I was pushing my luck. Despite her mass and FWD a patch of black ice this morning almost ended things badly for the both of us.
Crossing an international border in this age of full body scanners, nothing says prepare for a cavity search like driving a big black vintage car in the middle of winter. Eye brows were raised and I believe I escaped x-rays and probes but the slightest margin.
I was a little put out that work prevented me from attending a big Christmas get together of girlfriends on Saturday. I did manage to get out for coffee with Marissa last night. It had snowed quite heavily but I was determined that April was not to be relegated to the closet for another week.
A little slippery as the plows and salt trucks had not passed by yet but good practice for the Monday morning commute.
I had a great chat with Marissa and felt a little better about things.
In the spirit of Scrooge I bring you one of the best Christmas songs ever and a wish that like Ebenezer we can shed the chains that bind our hearts.
This morning my wife was rushing to get ready, hair makeup etc. She raised an eyebrow and with some friendly sarcasm said, I know you wish you had to do this each morning.
Well yes, but I do not doubt it can be a complete pain in the ass when you are running late and the children have to get to school. Getting ready as a guy is generally a lot faster but don’t try and tell me ironing a shirt, polishing shoes and shaving takes five minutes.
I do know how long it takes to get ready to leave the house (even longer in my case) but it would be a small sacrifice and then I could complain about it too.
Work is so busy GID naturally takes a back seat but it is certainly no cure.
“When the angel of death comes looking for me, when the angels sing, I hope I was everything I was supposed to be”
I unexpectedly came across this photo of my younger self. Taken two decades ago at least (I feel faint) at a car show with like minded rockabilly friends. I think this was during my university days just before I did my MBA.
Did I know then, yes but it was as if through a glass darkly.
I was a little hesitant to show this but I have posted a guy picture before. I must say that my hair was outstanding, I still have the motorcycle jacket and it fits. I had dyed my hair blond (not very well), I thought it would make me look more like Billy Fury.
It was a very odd sensation seeing this photo. I am really not sure what to make of my emotions, have I killed him, lost him, what would I say to my younger self? Transition now! Hang in there it will be ok? Just check out now! Don't do this to your future wife! I am at a loss for words.
I was happy to get out Sunday and thought I looked ok but the few photos MJ shot made me look awful. I think I looked rather gaunt and haggard. I blame the lack of sleep and being stressed out at work. I can safely say that I now fully appreciate the concept of beauty sleep.
Bad news is that my current work load will not abate until sometime next week and there is no one but me to get the job done. Hopefully Sunday afternoon I will be able to take a breather. Until then every day and night is consumed by writing. It is a truism that we live in a downsized and razor thin world.
Writing to some comes easily (Stephen King comes to mind, someone please get him an editor) but apart from some rare instances it is like pulling teeth for me. The completion of an article, script or proposal leaves me exhausted and mentally drained.
So raise a cup of joe and wish me Godspeed.
Here is Glenn Glenn with One Cup of Coffee (And A Cigarette):
Ok not the best picture from last night but the only one with a festive background. Coffee with MJ at our regular hangout. No I am not really on the phone with the Jolly Old Elf. Priority call from girlfriend Natasha detailing her shoe shopping spree in NY City.
I went to wife’s office Christmas party the other night. It was a formal affair so I was in a suit. We had a friend baby sitting so I agreed to go home early to relieve her. She would stay for the dancing and socializing getting a ride home with a co-worker.
I am usually quite uncomfortable at these setting so I didn't mind, the dinner was nice and I had a fun conversation with the woman next to me about cars (surprise!). When the dancing started wife kindly engaged me in conversation about some of the outfits various wives and co-workers were wearing.
I was doing ok with the GID until I had a look out at the dance floor, I felt such an intense loss (a loss for something I had never known), I wanted to be out there as April.
I found the intensity of the emotion surprising and it left me very upset. Once I had the children to bed there were some tears.
Super busy at work but got some writing done Saturday, I could have stayed in and done more Sunday but I knew getting out would help me be more productive in the long run.
Here is Dave Edmunds with a very cool New Years Eve live version of Chuck's Run Run Rudolf, perhaps my favourite Christmas song (the go go girls doing the swim was a nice touch):
Work is crazy and I will likely not be able to get out as April for a week or two because of filming and a script I have to write. I will not be a happy camper (actually my idea of camping is a really nice hotel) and will end up wound tighter than a cheap watch.
Feeling totally stressed and time was is short supply yesterday. I started to draft a post but didn’t make it…sorry. I am always gratified that people read my blog and even take the time to post a response.
It was with some surprise that my post from Wed. had four comments. It was so nice to hear from all of you and it made a huge difference in my day. The lovely, supportive and encouraging words helped clear some of the grey clouds from my sky.
Yesterday was my fifth or six laser appointments, I actually really look forward to the sessions despite the minor discomfort as it is concrete proof I am making some progress on my road to womanhood. (Look I worked in the blog’s title….so subtle).
The morning commute can be an opportunity for some quiet contemplation, if you ignore the resonance from the Toronado’s stainless steel dual exhaust. It struck me that I also enjoy the sessions as it is almost exclusively a female environment and I am accepted without question. They know the reason why I am having laser hair removal and have been very kind, praising the photos I have shared and even visiting this blog.
I am told I have had good results and the time between sessions has been extended to coax out any dormant hairs that can then be eliminated with extreme prejudice.
I am still wrestling with a schedule that it too full for the hours provided. A late night combined with one of the children crawling into bed and then kicking me at odd intervals until the alarm sounded has made for an exhausting morning.
I seriously contemplated calling in sick and working from home as I feared crashing the car into a ditch or worse injuring a fellow motorist. But as there is no rest for the wicked I fueled up with coffee and aimed the hood of the big black car due north. Made it but by the afternoon will need a recharge at Starbucks.
Hugs,
April
I will leave you with Elvis signing We're Coming In Loaded from the movie Girls, Girls, Girls. I love Elvis movies not because they are bad or the music uninspired but because they always contain hidden gems that reinforce my belief that he was the coolest cat on the planet. I mean could anyone else make commercial fishing sound so good or look so good doing it.
I believe that is Red West on guitar, I met his brother Sonny a few years ago, both were members of the Memphis Mafia. That is Elvis' entourage for the uninitiated, but more about that next week.
I think the approaching winter weather here in the southern part of our glorious Dominion (sounds regal doesn’t it?) has played havoc with my emotional state. In fact I think weather is having an effect on the whole family.
All grey and rainy with skeletal trees scratching at cold marble skies. It is not the climate for someone who has an addiction to old cars.
Crazy emotional this week, angry, sad, down, crying. Not sure if it is hormones, work, weather or the stress of Christmas. I am such a mess if anyone shows me any kindness I just want to cry and tell them everything. I know I have to remain positive and work hard for what I want but sometimes it is so overwhelming.
All the transsexual/transgender in fighting on various blogs has me doubting myself, which I had thought I had put well and truly behind me.
Our Christmas lights are up and look pretty but I have not caught the holiday spirit yet.
Looks like Mother Nature was having a bad day and accidently delivered our weather to Europe. Sorry but feel free to hang on to it for a while.
Now I am sure you tune in for my musical picks as much as my brilliant commentary and as usual I don’t disappoint. Here is a psychobilly version of Devil in Disguise (kind of a Trans tune if you think about it):
Hugs,
April
PS. photo is of a Series II Excalibur, my choice for the ultimate winter car so long as the fur coat and hat come standard.
Into the city today for a meeting in full male drag, suit, tie, cashmere overcoat (which I forgot I had). Even my big chunky Russian watch, keeps terrible time but looks cool. Usually I am not so sartorial day to day as our office environment is casual, black jeans, black shirt, black jacket, seeing a pattern here…I like black. First time client meeting so suit required.
Being in a suit is both familiar (takes me back to my banking days) and somewhat alien. The reflection in the mirror was not the image in my head.
Friends have said they can see some changes in my face as the hormones begin to have an effect. I perceived that something was off about my presentation (hair too long, nails too long?) but I doubt I raised any suspicions.
A CD/TS/TG meme is the Matrix red pill, blue pill question. If you could take a pill to make it all go away would you. Too late for me I already swallowed mine but the answer today would be different from what it was two years ago.
Jeez where to start, there should really be canon of blues songs about the trials and tribulations of trying to survive as a middle class family.
Reviewing my finances on line is really the wrong way to begin a Monday morning. If I keep my foot out of the accelerator I just might have enough gas money to get me to my next pay check.
Had to work last night which adds insult to injury as it costs me to drive in on the weekend. Presentation tomorrow have to wear a suit….guy suit….boooooo
I had a whole lot of other topics to bitch about today but economics has rather taken the wind out of my sails. I need a pep talk; Jessie Jackson’s 1988 presidential slogan keeps popping up in my mind… “Keep hope alive!!” Funny thing is I am a Republican or as much of one as someone living in our Dominion can be.
Hope is so important; it is what makes us get up every morning, to take another breath and to believe we can make the impossible, possible. Depression is like anti-matter, it is the absence of hope. So I keep trying to Keep Hope Alive!
I was able to go out Saturday night, met up with girlfriends Ashley and Marissa and her adult son John. We had a great time at Boston Pizza, it felt very natural and I was not spooked by the crowd. I still don’t make as much eye contact as I do in guy mode but I hold my head up and go where I want to go. Just three women talking about movies, fashion, politics etc….wonderful.
So what did I wear, sweater, pencil skirt, boots, black of course with a gold chain belt.
I honor of my general air of being bummed here is Social Distortion and “Bad Luck”, title sound like a downer but it is a real rave up:
Just a minute between filming to jot down some thoughts today. I had a therapy session yesterday evening. I had not been for almost a month but was very glad I was able to find the time.
Prior to dealing with being transsexual I dismissed therapy as something for other people, for people who were weaker and lacked the self will to help themselves.
Needless to say I have changed my opinion, after a series of depressive periods and on the insistence of my wife I sought out help. I know it is not always easy to find someone who knows about Trans issues. I was lucky in that an old friend was a therapist, it was still difficult at first to pick up the phone and tell him why I needed to see him professionally.
The sessions have helped greatly, to accept who I am and to control and reduce my depression. I have learned much about myself beyond being Trans as well.
Of course, if anyone in my neck of the woods (S. Ontario) needs his contact info just ask.
It seems this week has invoked the spirit of the King, no reason to stop now. The remix of “A Little Less Conversation” was a big hit a few years ago, did you ever hear the original from the movie Live A Little, Love A Little? No, well here is it is:
Elvis and a 1968 Imperial convertible what is not to love? And yes I want to be the girl in the white mink.
Ok don’t get too excited this will be a remarkably short series. Perhaps one or two if I can think of someone else.
Surfing You Tube the other day I came across some old kinescopes of Town Hall Party, a country and western TV show that ran from 1954 to early 1961 on KTTV from the Compton suburb of LA.
The show was remarkable for featuring a number of legendary rockabilly artists such as Gene Vincent, Eddy Cochran, Johnny Cash, The Collins Kids and Wanda Jackson.
Wanda is the undisputed queen of rockabilly with a powerful voice and the only woman to better an Elvis tune (Let’s Have a Party), she also dated him!
I met Ms. Jackson at an outdoor rockabilly show years ago and even got her autograph. Her voice had lost none of the power and she could still make the fringe on her dress move in opposite directions.
Here she is doing Hard Headed Woman, that is Joe Maphis on the double necked guitar.
I hope you will be inspired to look up some more of her hits, make sure you check out Funnel of Love or Fujiyama Mama, mere words cannot do them justice.
I have mentioned before that my job is one I cannot transition at. A small privately held company its policies are solely dictated by the owner.
I firmly believe that outing myself would lead to instant dismissal if not the threat of physical violence. I fear that if I leave and my transition becomes known my reputation will be unmercifully attacked.
I have been complicit in allowing what was initially a dream job becoming a stifling prison. Being Trans aside my job has past its best before date. Time to move on.
Ah but there’s the rub, I have been unable or unwilling to give up the safety of a regular salary and dealing with an industry I love. Between myself and my employer I, have fashioned the very chains that bind me to unhappiness and a continued and unbearable male existence.
I had a break down this week, the stresses overflowed the levees of my male façade and I sobbed in anger and frustration.
I am not so blind to realize that in these difficult economic times a job is a valuable thing and I am grateful to have been employed for a long time. But the time for change is LONG overdue. I need to find the strength to make that change happen.
I am privileged that my mother, father and brother all care enough to read my little diatribes. And most importantly my wife. I was going to complain about my job today but she suggested a different topic.
A little about her first to know how she fits into this story. I came out to her in a gradual manner over the last two years and she has been supportive and understanding through it all. She has shown a true Christian attitude where it would be so easy for anger and bitterness to take root. Anger only flares when I let myself descend into depression.
I love her and never wanted to hurt her, when we married I was naive and considered my transexualism to be an aberration that would eventually disappear.
We are best friends but separation and divorce (although friendly) is an inevitability. How our future family living arrangements will look is uncertain but I am positive we will find an answer that is best for the children.
Being Trans means having to embrace the absurd sometimes. A discussion with your wife about whether it would be appropriate for me to wear a white wedding dress if I were to remarry has got to take the cake so to speak.
How is someone supposed to take their husband becoming a woman? She is honest and admits to occasional feelings of anger and fear about the future. Will she find someone else to provide the type of closeness and companionship she misses?
Surprisingly she also admitted to feeling of jealousy. I have more clothes and fit into a smaller dress size. The children have said I am pretty…..raise in allowances all round! I understand that it is typical competiveness between two women. But she is beautiful and will always be more than I can ever be no matter how much I spend on surgery.
One day in the future we may both find someone else. I know she will have no trouble on that account and although we can no longer be a couple I know that on that day I will be happy for her but my heart will still break.
Time to lighten the mood; here is Elvis and Ann Margaret with the Lady Loves Me….
I met my friend Ashley for drinks on Saturday evening, wore a black sweater dress with sheer nylons, jewelled two inch heels. Wife thought it was too short for a woman of my age. I will admit the dress looked shorter with tan nylons, worked better when I wore it with black tights. I believe she called it a desperate divorcee number, which I found quite amusing.
Ashley looked great by the way. We initially went to the Carrigan Arms but a live band meant it was too loud for me, also not my kind of music. We retreated to an establishment more to our tastes and where we could carry on a conversation without yelling at each other.
Sunday was a super rush to get ready in the morning and drive into Toronto for the Trans parent forum at Sherbourne. Made it in ok but lost a hubcap from the Toronado. I wore my favourite jeans, a scooped black T-shirt with a black lace cami underneath and a belted sweater. Wife pronounced the outfit much more appropriate. I left the house in boy/girl mode as it was broad daylight. Running shoes, bomber jacket and dark glasses (no wig). Oh and gloves to hide the painted nails.
Once I arrived at Sherbourne I switch shoes, jacket, hair and applied a light pink lip stick. The forum was very interesting all MTF except the facilitator who was FTM. Initially I was really nervous but everyone was friendly and we had a good chat before the session. Most of the attendees had been full time (post op?) for a while and a wide spectrum of ages. I wanted to participate in the study as there is little knowledge on the issue and on a selfish note I wanted to push the envelope and gain more experience being out in the daytime.
My wife needed to go onto the office so I drove straight back getting stuck downtown in the traffic leaving the Santa Claus parade. I was thinking about heading over to the Eaton's Center mall but time was short and I really didn't feel in the shopping mood. I drove home en femme and was able to safely enter the house under the cover of darkness.
Presented as April for the rest of the evening, minus wig as it gets hot since I have let my natural hair grow out. Dinner, baths for the children then bedtime. Watched episode 4 of the Walking Dead.
Quick car update, changed oil and greased chassis (what a filthy job) this weekend. While I was underneath I saw the driver's side CV boot has cracked...more work. Terrible wind noise from the sunroof not shutting properly on the passenger side RH corner. I just hope it doesn't leak again. The Toronado handled downtown traffic fine but a definite vibration above 100 KPM drive axle?
So if you find a Toronado XS hub cap please contact me, there will be a reward. The caps are unique to the XS model Oldsmobile and are quite rare, luckily I did have a spare.
So everything at work has become a red ball and the buck stops with me. Same deal at my wife’s office perhaps it is something to do with the build up to the Christmas holidays. I apologize if this post is somewhat disjointed.
I work in an almost total male environment and as the week progresses I feel the femininity being leeched from my soul. I cannot be who I am so I continue to wear the mask I have been able to partially shed at home. Note to self GET ANOTHER JOB! Yes I know I am lucky to have a job.
Another long night getting my alternative transport ready for use, an hour fettling ended up lasting well past the witching hour. Middle child sick, reinforcements (Mom) called in to fill the breech.
Toronado ran well on the morning commute with the only annoyance being wind noise from the improper sealing sunroof. Driven to distraction last night by the fuse for the courtesy lights blowing. I think I went through six 20amp fuses until I tracked the problem to an abraded wire to the trunk light. Working for now but you never know old cars, they have their own agenda.
This Sunday I will be taking part in a Trans parent forum in the big city. I would like to attend as April; however this would mean leaving home during daylight hours. Typical suburban neighborhood where each house is visible to others on the street. Not an insurmountable problem but I will have to carefully consider what I will wear and what additions or subtractions I can make in the car.
I wanted to tip any of you with the same musical taste to a great site called the Hound Blog. One of the latest posts deals with Brother Claude Ely, one of the greatest Gospel shouters ever. If this guy recorded secular music he would have been one of Rock n, Roll’s founding fathers. Lots of his records here free to download:
This stuff really moves, Brother Claude makes a joyous noise unto the Lord that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I am not one for organized religion (as Groucho said, “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members” but this would get me into church. Have a listen and hope it brightens your day.
Speaking of religion I have it on good authority that God does love us as we are and as whom we wish to be. Being Trans is not a sin, nor is transitioning.
Hugs,
April PS. Picture has nothing to do with this post, another photo from the dance last week.
Feeling a little woozy this morning. Stayed up very late working on my Oldsmobile Toronado. Coffee stat!
I decided to reinstall the interior in my Toronado and not stop till I was done. I usually only have an hour or two spare on weekends and didn't want to drag the job out over the next few weeks. Also the Lincoln needs a new RH manifold exhaust gasket and may be out of commission for a few days. Started the job at 9:30PM and finished at 3:00 AM all work performed outside.
Installed everything from the headliner to the carpet and everything in between. The car now has its red plush buttoned velour seats and door panels again. Still a few bolts and screws to find homes for but all the grunt work is done. Next job change the oil and lube the chassis.
Why was the interior out? The power sun roof or Astroroof in GM speak was leaking somewhere, the water eventually pooling in the passenger foot wells….after it poured down the back of your neck. Multiple leaks were found but everything had to come out to locate them.
The one major problem was that the rear slider assembly on the sun roof broke so the roof will remain inoperable till I find another one. Certainly an obsolete part as the Oldsmobile Division is no more and the sun roof manufacturer ASC has also passed into the history books. Finding a new or even a used one will be a quest on par with finding the Grail.
So what have I learned, obviously I need more cars (joking). Actually I forgot how much time I used to spend on my cars, hours EVERY night and weekend. It is time that I can no longer afford and the masculine identity reinforcement that such work provided is no longer necessary.
Hugs,
April
Here are the prolific garage favorites Thee Milkshakes with the title of this post:
I had a real bad day yesterday at work and to top it all off I was contacted by our version of the IRS looking for more tax money. I could go on and on but I won’t.
Instead of being miserable I am going to focus on some positive things, I got to go out on Saturday night (and again Sunday), doctor yesterday raised my hormone level and I think I can actually see some facial changes. Also the dead hairs from the last laser session continue to come out a pace.
I had been looking forward to an evening out for a while with girlfriends Ashley and Natasha. It is a rare occasion when all three of us can get together. The HOPE event at the Carrigan Arms was not as well attended as the last time but it was still a lot of fun and we were able to all sit down.
I had been pre-warned about Natasha’s gorgeous off the shoulder number so I needed something different. My wife found me a very cute red dress that had a definite sixties retro feel. Paired with a pair of silver three inch heels and very daring for November no nylons.
I even danced! I think the photo is of me getting in the spirit of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock n' Roll”. Lots of contemporary dance stuff, some vintage seventies disco but no Ramones like the last time.
Later we went to another pub for a quiet drink (diet coke for me) and chatted some more.
On Sunday I met Natasha and Marissa in Hamilton for coffee then came home and ended up staying up too late watching episode three of the Walking Dead.
The opportunity to get out in different environments seems to build my confidence each time.
There is a reason envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It is an unfortunate character trait I have seen in myself before.
Envy (Latin, invidia) in Dante's Purgatory is punished by having ones eyes sewn shut with wire because you have gained sinful pleasure from seeing others brought low. I prefer St. Thomas Aquinas’ description of envy as "sorrow for another's good".
I know from where this weed grows, it is the frustration over the pace of my own transition. It is what keeps from venturing back to various forums as I tend to judge my own progress against others. When I find progress lacking I lapse into depression. When you want to go full time, when you feel yourself ready any delay becomes unbearable.
I have a good friend who is poised to enter the fast track of transition. She is less encumbered by ties to her male life than I. For her it is not a matter of overcoming a series of obstacles but of when.
Irrationally I feel that I should be first, that she is usurping my role. The situation fills me with envy and yes anger. I feel terrible for thinking this way, which just makes it worse.
I am trying to turn my envy into a positive energy, to strengthen my resolve and to take action to make my own transition happen as soon as possible. And of course to wish my friend well and give her all the support I can.
Diana Dors was Britain’s answer to Marilyn Monroe. Besides being a blonde bombshell she seems to have had great taste in cars. In 1954 the rising star bought a used car but oh what a car it was, a 1949 Delahaye bodied by Saoutchik in the prewar art deco style of French coachbuilders. The voluptuous baby blue Delahaye had a nautical theme inspired the narwhal whale, the unicorn of the seas.
Diana and her husband did not keep the Delahaye long trading it in on a new Cadillac convertible. I also found a photo of her standing beside a British registered 59 Cadillac….the perfect car for any movie star. I swear that is a Riley behind the police officers right shoulder.
The restored Delahaye recently sold for $3 million.
The great "Another Nickel in the Machine" blog about historic London has an interesting story on Ms. Dors:
They went with songs to the battle, they were young. Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow. They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted, They fell with their faces to the foe. They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them.
I particulary like in Flanders Field written by Canadian Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae during the First World War. Some may see the last line as jingostic but WE must remember that all the freedoms we enjoy and those that are only now being recognized flow from their sacrifice on the alter of democracy.
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing,
flyScarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead.
Short days ago We lived,
felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
April
The image is of the Vietnam Women's Memorial in Washington
If that is not a cryptic blog title I don’t know what is. Had the morning off as a partial vacation day in order to watch my youngest daughter while my wife had important meetings to co-ordinate.
Worked on an article due Friday wearing casual April wear, just jeans, bra, cami and sweater, then a pleasant drive to work in the noon sun with the windows down, heater on as it is November in the new world and of course the music playing.
Had the local university radio station on and caught a radio show that matched by own peculiar taste in music (rockabilly/surf/punk). They played a track by Teenage Head one of the original Canadian punk bands. Named after the 1971 Flamin’ Groovies album. A local band I am sad to say I never had the opportunity to see in their prime. The lead singer Frankie Venom, what a great name, passed away recently. Below is a rare TV appearance of them performing Lets Shake from the Frantic City album.
The Lincoln drove well and the roads were quiet so I had a smooth run up to work with the cruise control set on 65 mph. Too bad gas was 1.08 per liter, I am sure that sounds cheap to you girls in the UK but just remember I am driving a 460 cubic inch V8 owww.
McDuesenberg was a pejorative name thrown at the baroque Lincoln Continentals. Just like McMansion for the oversized suburban palaces that are replacing all the post war ranches. Actually I like the name. The designer of the Mark IV Wes Dahlberg interviewed I the eighties said that they really were trying to build a modern day Duesenberg like classic.
"The grille was sort of like the Rolls-Royce, but we did not copy it directly. We were trying for the look of many of the great classics if they were to be built in 1972 -- not necessarily the Duesenberg, but all of them. We wanted a clean look and simplicity.
I love neo-classic styling on early seventies cars, Lincoln Continentals, Cadillac Eldorado, the Stutz Blackhawk etc.
A dance to go to on Saturday night oh what to wear when girlfriends tell me about all the great outfits they have lined up….I feel like Cinderella with no fairy godmother.
Just found out my orthodontist is retiring suddenly, darn I liked him plus I still had a procedure to go. He was really odd is an Eastern European mad scientist kind of way, pleasant enough and not too expensive. I will miss him, I wonder what happened. I imagine some terrible scandal.
I met with an old boss the other evening to discuss maybe coming to work for him. I am interested in the opportunity but being a young company there are some risks. There are definite benefits too. A big plus is that I could work from home, allowing more time for children, less after school day care dollars and almost as important more time spent as April in preparation for going full time.
The offer is not set in stone but if it materializes I would be inclined to accept because I CANNOT transition in my current job. The old boss has always struck me as a live and let live kinda guy and at least the possibility of acceptance is there.
If we get to a firm offer I was seriously considering telling him about me first. Initially this struck me as a good idea, fast track to full time etc… After speaking with my wife and a little more reflection it may well be better to wait. An admission that I am Trans and will transition on the job may well put the kibosh on the deal.
Instead, if I come on board I will work like a demon to make the company a success and after six months or a year assuming I have not made a mess of things tell him that I am transitioning.
The period up to then can be put to good use living part time as April, working on my voice and getting everything ready for going full time. I am still impatient though! I wish I could start a new job as April tomorrow.
Super long day yesterday, after the meeting I drove him home then headed home switched vehicles and did the grocery shopping at midnight. Thank goodness for 24 hour supermarkets. I staggered around like a zombie checking items off my shopping list. Drove home, unloaded then into bed by 2:00 AM up four hours later to start all over again. Yawwwnnnn.
