Friends

Last night I made a list of friends I need to tell, OMG I have so few of them .

I have been thinking about transition and who I need to tell, "J" and I have already told most family members, children, parents and friends we had as a couple.

Close friends coming next, I have two car friends I see on a semi regular basis that already know, one of whom I would classify as an unhyphenated friend having transcended the realm of just automobiles though that is what we still talk about the most.

The others are few and far between, most of whom I have not talked to for a period ranging from six months to a year. Perhaps I could just fade out of their lives and never have to explain myself. But I think I owe them an explanation or goodbye. So over this month I will contact the three or four remaining car friends and tell them of my transition.

Besides remaining family there is the wider world of neighbours, work clients and customers. My boss has already told my close co-workers with no apparent ill effects.

The world around us of acquaintances but so few friends. Is this indicative of transsexual/ transgendered people that we have trouble making friends as we cannot share all of our selves with someone else, that we are always hiding a parts of our selves, at least that is how I feel.

The few friends that I have managed to acquire over half a lifetime have been equalled, no surpassed by the number of friends I have meet in the trans community or the unofficial group of trans women who gather in our little neck of the woods. Both pre op and post op these are people I might never have met otherwise but a shared struggle has brought us together .

Nevertheless these are people who have become trusted friends that I can tell anything, perhaps it is something that binds us together far more than automobiles ever could.

Five minutes to midnight….the big days looms and I still have so much to do. Work has the potential to become very busy so I will have little time to worry and navel gaze about going full time. Bring it on!

Musical pick of the day is The Muffs with New Love from 1991. A perfect punk pop song that demands you dance around the room. Once again hat tip to my brother for turning me onto another band I was unaware.

Hugs,

April

Tokyo Drift

My brother flies back to his family in Tokyo today. It was great to see him again but saying goodbye was much harder than times before. I felt very emotional this morning as I drove over to my mother's house to say my farewells and to have one last chat before he left for the airport.

Assuming everything goes as planned it would be the last time he will see me in male mode, perhaps it was just the hormones… I will really miss him we are so alike (no not that way LOL) rather we have such similar temperaments, the same taste in music, movies, cars and movies. We can talk endlessly about all these things. I didn't realize how much I missed him until we could talk again.

Yesterday was a family birthday party for my daughter, after the pizza and cake and presents, my brother and I talked into the evening about the good and bad times growing up. It was amazing to learn what each of us remembered, what the other had forgotten, family vacations I had completely forgotten about. His memories of being at home while I was at at school and then university.

The Norman Rockwell, Leave It To Beaver neighbourhood we spent part of our childhood in, the hidden confusion and hatred of my teen years.

I still plan to go full time in September (job willing), I wish he was still here to lend his support in the trying days ahead. I feel that a part of me is missing far across the Pacific.

"J" used the party to tell her sister about me, as suspected it was not a problem. Interestingly she immediately recognized me in the photos "J" showed he. Her comment, "I didn't see that coming" and "he" makes a good looking woman….thanks "K". Her sister hinted that her brother and her mother maybe a more difficult situation.

Hugs,

April

"Now is the time to change over."

I do a lot of writing in my line of work, however much is of the business proposal variety and can be rather dry at times. Sometimes a blog post helps get the creative juices percolating.

I was talking with my boss this morning after an early conference call. Once we had dealt with pressing business we touched upon my upcoming transition in September.

He has been very supportive and has given my peculiar condition some evident thought. To be fair he has only known for a few months and the terms transgender or transsexual had no relevance in his life.

The business requires that I travel to the States on occasion and there are some new people that I have yet to meet. I continue to meet with business partners we have known for years but he thought that we would put off any new meetings until after I go full time. No point confusing them he suggested. I am not against this idea and I think it shows a sincere desire to help.

When I wrote about first telling him in May he read my blog post, his response, was to send me an e-mail telling me that I should let others know that being true to who we are does not have to be the end of the world and that there is support out there.

I believe he is a little surprised and to a greater extent pleased at his own very liberal attitude and well I guess he should be! I would never have told him if I did not think his heart was in the right place.

We have a lot of potential deals on the horizon that could see us become even busier (hopefully) so he was concerned that I would be needing to take an extended period of time off to transition. No, I assured him it is simply a matter of presenting full time as April. No surgery or recovery time involved….for now at least.

So one day (yet to be decided upon) in September I will leave the house as April and never look back? Will it be like September 3, 1967 when the entire nation of Sweden switched from driving on the left to the right?

Everyone in Stockholm seemed to have set his alarm clock to sound off be fore dawn. By 4 a.m., cars, motor scooters and flower-decked taxis that had been hired months before streamed downtown to the Kungsgatan, the city's main street. There they waited through a solemn radio countdown. At the stroke of five, loudspeakers blared: "Now is the time to change over." In a brief but monumental traffic jam, Sweden switched to the right side of the road.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,941144,00.html#ixzz1TEbT3Ybp

How was it for the rest of you here when you went full time? Routine or traumatic? I am trying not to think about it too hard or I tend to get freaked out but the idea that the day is coming is strangely calming.

Photo was taken after friend Natasha's pool party on what must have been the hottest night of the year. Hot n' sweaty but happy...about to lay some rubber!

Music is from my favourite band of all time, The Cramps (saw them live once and lived to tell) I will have to have a separate post about them soon.

Stingray and the Unwelcome Guest

The Corvette is back at April HQ. New rear axle bearings and a coil over conversion front and back. The car rides lower, handles better and looks super cool from the rear with the spare removed to give those in my rear view mirror a view of the fully independent suspension.

I had an annoying squeak from the left front which after some investigation turned out to be a bent dust shield rubbing on the rotor…easy fix. The new lowered stance gives the Corvette a real mean look but would bottom out on they slightest bump in the road.

Took her for a run last night on a work related errand, now a squeak or more like a metallic grinding from the back left wheel. Ok another dust shield problem . Soon as I got home I had her jacked up and the rear wheels off…no sign of any issues…hmmm. Did I mention we have been having a heat wave here, talk about a sweaty, greasy mess.

I can get a little obsessive about cars (really you'd noticed), I was out for a good four or so hours making adjustments, going for test drives, getting more and more frustrated. "J" came out at about 11:30 and kindly offered to make some tea. She said she was almost nostalgic, me out to all hours in the driveway covered in grease and oil, it was just like old times.

I on the other hand was less than pleased to be re-visiting times past. I still like doing some work on the cars here and there but this was the behaviour of the guy I hoped I left behind. Obsessive, neurotic and unable to think rationally about cars, who would stay out till all hours as it drowned out any dysphoria and proved to all and sundry I was a man.

Eventually I had to admit defeat, clean up the mess of tools and come in.

As Scarlet said tomorrow is another day, the next morning I read the shop manual and looked for clues on line. Maybe loose brake pads but the sound was still there when the pedal was applied slightly.

To have a better look at the rear suspension I dropped the spare tire carrier, had to be the exhaust just touching the road as the car travelled on its suspension. The rear coil over conversion which replaces the the transverse leaf spring is adjustable so I was able to raise the rear and after a few attempts correct the problem. Only a minor burn on my stomach from the hot exhaust. Still need to fix the little squeak from the parking break assembly (which is inside the hub) but one thing at a time.

Quick victory lap of the neighbourhood, stopped to show off my new rear end (LOL). They give that look that says humour the crazy person…OMG wait till September.

Hugs,

April

PS. The lead photo is not me (no kidding) but it is a 79 Corvette.

Here is Annette with Draggin' USA, didn't know she did a hot rod song. Check out Monkeys Uncle see the Beach Boys backing her up!

Do I Really Feel I Am A Woman?

In the back of my mind there is a niggling doubt, an inch I don't want to scratch. But as important dates loom on the horizon no mental rock should be left in turned. A long drive to a film shoot north of the city the other day let me ponder the question to my satisfaction.

Do I really feel I am a woman?

No, BUT let me clarify, I know my soul, mind, essence, what have you is predominantly female. It is so female that I cannot live as male anymore.

It has been that way my entire life, but forty plus years of learning how to act male (to pass ha ha) cannot be forgotten or discarded over night.

The mere existence of all of us here is the triumph of nature over nurture.

I expect once I go full time I will feel an outsider that I am to an extent pretending, just as I have always felt trying to fit in as a boy then a man.

But it is a role that I think I will soon feel comfortable in, to quickly grow into.

I look forward to becoming the woman I always knew I should have been.

Then I can answer Yes 100%!

Here is horror movie actress Victoria De Mare, with the Kim Fowley produced World's On Fire, not a great record but a perfect pop song, I could imagine anyone from the Shirelles to the Ramones singing this.

Brought the Jaguar XJS hot rod home (she has a 94 LT1 V8 with a 3.55 rear axle) and is rather loud. I will likely sell her but it would be nice to get her roadworthy and licensed and to terrorize the local 5.0 Mustangs…at least for a little while….a girl can dream. No that is not my car, the lemon yellow XJS is Purdey's car in the New Avengers.

A Texas Funeral

If you have seen Kill Bill part 2 this is the scene where The Bride, (Uma Thurman) is buried alive as a particularly cruel method of execution. Bud, Bill's brother describes it as a Texas funeral.

That movie scene is the name I have given my own feelings of claustrophobia. I don't believe I am more or less claustrophobic than the next person, I have only felt the fear of enclosed spaces on occasion say when jammed under a car and felt I had to get out.

Over the last few weeks I have woken up or had trouble sleeping, my skin crawling down to my finger nails. One night I awoke and felt I actually had to cut my nails.

It is an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia. I feel I am buried alive, drowning that I cannot breath. I feel the onset of mindless panic that I am on the edge of the abyss and that panic and insanity will follow.

Instead of the cool determination of Kill Bills protagonist who uses her kung fu training to escape I feel that I will give in to panic.

The other night I awoke at 4:00AM with these feelings. I walked around the house on my nightgown, but I could not shake the feeling of claustrophobia. Eventually I changed and went for a long walk in the predawn darkness. It helped, tiring myself out I could fall back to sleep.

Even watching TV sometimes I see something that makes me uncomfortable and I have to leave. J and I were watching House Hunters International, the topic was Amsterdam boat houses. During a tour of a particularly cramped example had to leave the room.

It is difficult even to write these words without feeling the encroaching sense of dread. A feeling that I cannot abide my own body and want to tear at myself in frustration.

I think (April puts on her amateur psychiatrist hat) that it is not exactly claustrophobia but a symptom of my own anxiety about work and transitioning…. panic attack?

The other day I endured an hour of electrolysis, OMG I prefer laser, painful but quick. Electrolysis is drawn out torture. I was worried that claustrophobic panic would set in. After half fifteen minutes of sitting still under that hot magnifying light, I was ready up bolt. The technician set up a fan and gave me a break and I made it to the end of the session.

I felt good about making it through the session and generally positive that day and was able too fall asleep without feeling I was being sealed up in a coffin.

I am still a little fearful of going to bed as the last couple of attacks were so awful.Trying to employ positive thinking to help me relax and fall asleep. Also returned to exercising later in the evening to ensure I fall asleep.

Jeez how screwed up can one person be?

Three Topics No Waiting

Hot Rod Girl

I have written before about my use of old cars as an avoidance mechanism.

My mood can still be determined in many ways by my car projects. A hobby and form of art appreciation I love but I have to realize that it can also be a crutch to avoid dealing with other issues.

Throwing myself into one of my latest projects, usually the resurrection of some hopeless case I find some peace and reward, plus sometimes a degree of control over my environment.

However if the project does not go as planned I can come down hard emotionally, partly because I am emotionally involved with the car in question but that I have failed to continue to mask the issues I was running from and now it comes roaring back.... plus I have a car in pieces.

How did I come to this epiphany, waiting in the forecourt of a transmission repair shop at 7:30AM like a patient awaiting the results of medical tests. It was not good. Later in the day tears of frustration as I tried to work out which to sell, which to keep, what had to be fixed. Like I said this should not be the priority.

Weekend Update

Busy as usual changed the plugs and wires on the Electra, power steering hose and flush on the Eldorado (waste of time), little bit of dry wall repair, hanging a blind, groceries shopping, taking children bike riding and even some barbecuing, bacon wrapped hot dogs and baked potatoes, came out well if I say so myself.

Not really enough time to get out as April. Normally such a three week drought would make me both miserable and grumpy, but the promise of September has kept me sane.

Film Review

Watched Sucker Punch the other night with my brother. I would generally agree with the reviews that it is not a great film. The story is a little weak but the visuals are excellent. Especially the steam punk WWI scenes. Zeppelins, zombies, anachronistic weaponry what's not like. Plus an all girl cast of heroines.

I did like the closing line repeated from earlier in the film by the guardian or angel character, as a non new age piece of spiritual advice, perhaps with particular relevance for a transsexual/transgender audience.

"Who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!"

Here is the deleted big musical dance number:

The animated back story to the trenches scene:

Voice Command

The hair is coming along but I know a weakness is my voice. I have been reluctant to practice because I do not want to sound foolish or to teach myself bad habits.

I have appointments with two different voice coaches coming up but experiencing delays in getting an appointment. One because of the delays associated with socialized medicine and the other caused by an in demand private practice.

I have experimented with recording my voice on my new iPhone and was relatively happy with the results. However, in the days leading up to going full time and in advance of my appointments I want to start practicing in earnest.

Does anyone know of any on line, mail order, books etc that they would recommend from personal experience?

Last Of Many?

Had a meeting with a locally published car magazine today to discuss partnership opportunities. I wore a suit, perhaps for the last time, there will likely be a few more face to face meetings before September but as more and more work is done "virtually" or just over the phone (there is that voice issue again) it could actually be a last time.

I guess there are lots of last times coming up and then a whole bunch of firsts after that. It is an odd thought, full of nostalgia but not regret. Kind of like hanging up an old suit of armour after a particularly bloody war.

Hugs,

April

Here is Dave Edmunds with Girls Talk:

The same song live and a little faster, preceded by a great interview with a very well spoken Dave:

He Ain't Heavy

OK I am determined to get another post in this week, can you believe at one time I was almost able to do this daily. I am so busy but seem to achieve so little. My brother is visiting from Japan this month, it is great to see him again. I miss him but don't realize how much until we have these rare vistas.

I picked him up with my dad on Tuesday but didn't get a chance to speak with him at length until last night. Long day yesterday, stayed up late writing the night before then helped out on a photo shoot. No I was not the model but I can see how you might think so LOL.

After dinner and getting children to bed and cleaning up a bike we are giving away I zipped over in the latest press car to see my brother. So what was I driving, a press car from Mercedes, a SL55 finished in satin silver. Not my usual cup of tea but it would be unfair to say it is not a superlative automobile. I still like my transport to have a little more patina.

We took the roadster for a cruise around town which gave us the opportunity to talk about the elephant in the room….me…being trans. He knows already, reads the blog and is supportive, so I couldn't ask for more. Despite being dog tired and fighting a summer cold I was glad to be able to have the chance to fill in a few more details.

It was interesting to get his take on things too, "but the models tanks and cars…the Battle and 2000AD comic books growing up". I know it does not seem make sense but solitary guy interests seem to be a common feature of growing up trans (MtoF). It was a shock to him, as a younger brother I helped influence his tastes and who he is, so I can imagine it must be a bit like having one's personal foundations given a good shake.

I hope we get the chance to talk more over the next few days. Bottom line I have a great brother. And no that is not him in the photo.

Here is a great tune by the punk/rockabilly/tudor? band Tenpole Tudor that he hipped me to:

Hugs,

April

A New Post or Just Think About Shoes...

A New Post Part I

Two months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yikes

Well kinda less than two months, I am planning to go full time in September.

I feel I should be doing so much more. I likely will not have a voice appointment till almost September and I am still trying to get rid of white facial hairs. I had a laser session last Tuesday evening. Waiting to book the next electrolysis session.

I really need to make a list of tasks to do (plus people to tell) and start crossing things off.

There is the rest of the family, neighbours, name change on official documents and of course more clothes. I just need more casual items plus a few things for business meetings. I am sure "J" will disagree. You see a number of items no longer fit and were bought when passing in a typical work setting seemed like light years away.

I am so excited and happy but also scared witless and I guess I can hardly believe I am doing it. I still think preparing myself mentally is most important,... that and long hair! Kept getting paint in it last week when painting the oldest daughter's bedroom. It also gets in my eyes when I work on the cars, which is somewhat less frequent these days.

It is getting easier telling people, though I don't look forward to telling my mother in law, brother in law and his wife.

A New Post Part II

I have not blogged in over a week mea culpa, I had written a post or two but never put them up as my mood changed and they seemed out of date. Life was getting in the way of my angst.

I continue to worry about my work and have been spending time in the evenings trying to get more done, especially when the creative writing of proposals is called for. As a result I have had less time to write on personal matters. In addition being extra busy at work and at home tends to keep the GID temporarily at bay.

I get frustrated that I cannot get out as April but am comforted by the knowledge that her time will soon be here.

Eldorado Update

The 75 Cadillac Fleetwood Eldorado coupe is now legal with a new set of "historic" license plates. The gargantuan 500 cubic inch (8.2 litters) V8 is running well. Initial runs around the block and down the nearest service road have not left me stranded. Fly in the ointment is that the FWD turbo hydramatic transmission seems to be shifting late. A rebuild is expensive (more than the old girl is worth) so I certainly hope it is just an adjustment issue or a matter of a fluid and filter change. Damn all i can think of is transmissions now… I hate having a one track mind. Think about shoes instead….

The lead photo is a GM publicity still celebrating Damsels in Design. The corporations first VP of Design, the legendary Harley J. Earl was by all accounts a tough boss but apparently more than just a visionary in area of automotive styling. GM employed a number of female designers in the fifties, I would love to know more about their experiences.

Hugs,

April

A Question of Confidence

It has been a week since I visited CAMH, time is flying by and I feel that September and the planned date for going full time will be here before I know it.

Friday is already Canada Day and the summer solstice has come and gone, so many things to do, cars to sell, the Corvette still has not come out of hibernation. We are finally coming to grips with moving around the children's bedrooms and a quick repaint of the oldest's room seems like planning for D-Day when every day life is constantly getting in the way.

My focus has been on work work work primarily and although it has taken my attention away from any transition issues it means that I am not obsessing about what the neighbours or remaining relatives will think. I am afraid I have a very one track mind and tend to fixate on single issues.

I also cannot help worrying about employment and what will happen if I am not successful in helping the company grow and have to look for a new gig as April.

I feel rightly or not that a successful initial transition (going full time) is very much dependent on mental preparedness, at least for me. I wish I passed every time without question, even with FSS and SRS I expect that will not always be the case.

A projection of confidence and self assurance in our true gender is perhaps the most important ingredient. I know I see that in the reaction to some of my more fearless friends.

Believe it or not my confidence is slowly improving, especially as my hair grows longer and the hormones promote changes in body and mind. I am not as timorous in public but still have a long way to go. Work and family life mean that I do not get out as much as I would like as April and I fear that September will be a something of a trial by fire and less like slipping seamlessly into a new identity. To paraphrase on an old statistics professor trials and suffering are good for you.

The Eldorado continues its slow march towards getting licensed. A trip to the Ministry of Transportation offices resulted in disappointment on Saturday. I had gotten up early and headed out the door but still faced a line up even before they opened their doors at 9:00 Am. Despite a safety certificate (like an MOT), proof of insurance, invoice and original ownership it turned out I didn't have the proper Ministry approved appraisal form…for tax purposes of course.

I was happier with the above photo from Saturday as my hair looked better in my opinion. I also love the top, seems to be very French.

Well from France to Italy, here is Mina with Bang Bang from 1967. Mina is an Italian pop legend who was on the scene from the late fifties to the missed seventies. From wikipedia: Mina dominated the Italian charts for fifteen years and reached an unsurpassed level of popularity in Italy. She has scored 77 albums and 71 singles on the Italian charts.

I actually like her take better than Nancy Sinatra, Tarantino should have used this version in Kill Bill.

Hugs,

April

CAMH 2

Tuesady was the big day for my follow up appointment at CAMH. I spent time in the morning getting some real work done, a quick bite to eat then a rush (as usual) to get ready.

The weather was not humid with temperature at noon around 75 degrees so I ended up taking the Electra and let J keep her vehicle.

The drive into Toronto was not bad with only one minor slow down. Off the Gardiner Expressway at Spadina then north through China Town to College. I paid the exorberante fee to park underground at the University of Totonto just down the street from CAMH.

I wore my favorite green dress but the cream two inch heels were murder so I found a place of sit down and have a diet Coke instead of wander around.

My appointment was with a newish female intern, as there has been a changing of the guard so to speak in the almost two years (1 year and 9 months) since my last visit. Almost everyone seems to have retired.

We spent the time discussing the changes and developments since my last visit. Basically I have to show them proof of going full time, pay stubs, letter from my boss etc. at that point I start the clock ticking on my one year real life experience. After that point I can be approved for surgery. Amazing to think that in one year I would be able to book an appointment with Dr. Brassard in Montreal.

Overall a good day. Stuck in terrible rush hour traffic going south on Spadina, clocked by a trio of teenage girls handing out leaflets to passing motorists, which was upsetting after a positive meeting. No one else seemed to pay me any undue attention. I think I held up well in the heat (no working AC) and only looked partially wilted...see self portrait in the car.

The drive back on the QEW was stop and go so I got off at Winston Churchill and met up with Natasha and her spouse for chicken wings before returning home...waiting for dark of course.

Hugs,

April

A Return Visit

CAMH is the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, they are the gatekeepers for all sexual reassignment surgery in Ontario.

I saw them almost two years ago for my initial diagnosis. The appointment on Tuesday in Toronto is a follow up to let them know the progress I have made and that I plan to go full time in September.(job permitting)

Of course I plan to go as April, just as I did on my first visit. This time no wig or silicone to hide behind.

Their rule is two years full time as a woman before one is eligible for surgery. I believe the requirement has recently been reduced to one year. But there will be a backlog.

I still need an outfit and have had neither the time or the budget for something new. Hope "J" and I can put something together tonight.

Since the climate control system in the Electra is not working I asked J if I could take her Town & Country which has working AC. Worried I would arrive a sweaty mess if I could not stay cool in rush hour traffic. I don't need as much makeup as before but I will not go completely natural.

Forecast calls for rain so maybe I will take the Electra after all and save her the indignity of driving a 35 year old car to work.

I did briefly consider taking the GO Train (a commuter service) but the ride back would be during rush hour and the train is usually packed to the gills, standing room only. I am not that confident to present as April in such close contact and sharing ones personal space for an extended period of time.

Or I could go the parade float route and drive my 59 convertible.

I pray that visit is as positive as my first. If I were not so worried about the economy I would feel more celebratory.

My kind of traffic: