THUNDERCOUGARFALCONBIRD

I don't know if I mentioned that I traded my 78 Oldsmobile Tornado for another "old" car, yes the long awaited T-Bird has finally appeared on the driveway.  Having had the 85 Cadillac Seville as my daily driver for a month exclusively I forgot how big these cars were. She rides on the same frame as my 76 Mark IV and shares the same 460 cubic inch power plant. 

Despite a mysterious oil leak the T-Bird runs great and goes like a scaled cat. A nice throaty rumble from the stainless steel duals follows in her wake. Now I swear I would never own a brown car but then I have done a lot of things I swore I would never do.

The Thunderbird is metallic brown with a gold vinyl top and gold Medici velour interior. The paint needs a good buff and some detailing but the body is pretty solid for being a local car its whole life....a long closed Ford dealer in Stratford, ON. 

When I can afford it in the future I hope to have her lowered like my Lincoln. Before winter sets I may fit a set of mag wheels I have set aside just to see how they will look on her. More pictures when I get her waxed up.

Drove her over to meet a fellow seventies luxury car enthusiast last night, we cruised around a little and talked too long over coffee. The ride back on an empty freeway with the cruise control on was sublime, just as I was getting close to home Ricky Nelson comes on the AM/FM 8-track, how appropriate:

Regarding my last post, one commenter asked, if the wait is so intolerable why don't I just go elsewhere and pay for SRS myself. My funds if any are tied up in non-liquid assets but if necessary I will pay for surgery wherever I can get it. Here in Ontario we are lucky to have government funded health care but approval for SRS is dependent upon meeting CAMH's requirements and working with their timetable.  

Of course we pay higher taxes than our American cousins for the privilege.

Also I was hoping to save some money from the sale of my cars to get FFS. 

Hugs,

April

Year One: The Darker the Night, the Brighter the Stars

It has been a year full time, WOW… time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like bananas

Thanks to all who commented on my prior post or took the time to send me a private message. It made a world of difference and picked up my spirits considerably.

I wanted to post earlier but I had a couple of magazine article deadlines to meet. They pay thank god but almost as important was the delight in being busy and productive.

I had this post ready to go a week ago but things changed and my positive attitude took a vacation. I had my one year meeting with CAMH and although it went well for the most part I was very discouraged to learn that it would be a year before surgery, assuming I am judged eligible.

I should have expected such a delay but I had foolishly gotten my hopes up . It was all I could do not to cry during the meeting. Tears of frustration flowed freely on my drive out of the city. The faithful Seville found its own way home.

I know a year is not a life sentence but I am feeling very trapped in this limbo. A year full time has intensified the desire to transition fully. The flames of desire fanned to an inferno. Hormones have made a great difference but I cannot look at my body and feel whole.

I am climbing back out of my funk but it has taken a few days. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

A few random thoughts on transitioning a year in:

•  Unfailingly identify with female protagonist in novels, movies and television.

•  No fear out in public, I expect to pass wherever I am 

•  Ability to laugh off accidentally outing myself or when my children do it but NO tolerance when others do it.

• I have largely avoided discussions of sexuality on this blog, readers maybe able to read between the lines though. I would consider myself a heterosexual female, this year has cemented those feelings.

• Some of the old fighting spirit coming back. At first I felt that to pass as female meant being as unobtrusive and neutral as possible. As I have become more comfortable passing I have felt freer to speak my mind….well as much as a polite Canadian can possibly speak their mind.

•  Guys think it is cool when a woman knows about cars. Best quote from a show where I had my Caddy on display, “a woman like you is every guys dream”. LOL

• Pictures of myself are not as important as they were, it is who I am all the time now.

So what else has been going on in my corner of the Dominion, children are back at school and already getting their first colds of the season, sold my 72 Lincoln Mark IV, more like traded with some cash in my favour. More about the Continental’s replacement next week, all I will say is that it has four more cylinders and hails from Coventry. The Thunderbird I swapped for my Toronado for has also arrived at long last.

I have been reading an excellent history of female SOE agents dropped into occupied France. A Life in Secrets: Vera Atkins and the Missing Agents of WWII by Sarah Helm. Most engaging book I have read in a decade. Highly recommended. Not only an amazing history but a detective story to find the "true" story.

Those unlucky enough to be betrayed met their fate in the notorious Ravensbrück or Dachau concentration camps.

I am humbled by the bravery of these women when it was not expected of them at that time. We who aspire to the title of woman would dishonor their memory by living timid lives in an era of relative peace.

Hugs,

April

Best of Times, the Blurst of Times….Stupid Monkey

I have been putting off this post as I hoped that something would happen to change things or I happened to get a Jimmy Stewart, Its a Wonderful Life style attitude adjustment. 

But sadly no, if I waited any longer this bog would be as dated as my taste in music, movies and cars.

If you have continued to drop by to check if I am still alive thanks for your persistence. It has not been an easy couple of weeks. 

Unemployment benefits ended unexpectedly with no new job in sight and personal finances in disarray. 

Depression returned and with it thoughts of suicide. Sunday's headline in the Drudge Report, mentioned that more Americans now die by suicide than car accidents. Given the state of the economy on both sides of the 49th parallel that is not such a great surprise. Add being transsexual to being unemployed and it is a little like playing Russian roulette with all the chambers filled.

I have bounced back an forth between depression, hope and gallows humour. It is not any easier for "J" as the financial well being of the family is on her shoulders. I feel less than useless.

Looking back at the interviews I have had I am sure I didn't get one job because of being transsexual while the most recent I am confident I passed. As my one year full time anniversary approaches do I consider transition a mistake, no but success has eluded me so far.

The need to be there for three children also limits jobs that don't pay enough to cover child care. I need a new career position but those seem difficult to come by despite years of high level experience.

I have sold surplus hot rod and vintage car parts to strengthen the family budget and have had to consider selling some cars too. Finding buyers for big gas guzzling seventies luxo barges is not so easy with the price of crushed dinosaur juice so high.

There are some more flexible opportunities on the horizon but they will have to be pursued in tandem to provide anything like a living wage. I continue to write professionally but the amount paid to freelancers by magazines has also been cut. 

So sorry no happy ending or light at the end of the tunnel just a confusing jumble of emotions. For the moment I remain upright and sniffin' air...

cant find any pathetic sad faced photos,  image at top is me in a Austin FX4 taxi, kinda rare over here

I was going to post something sad and sweet by the Ravonettes but perhaps a musical selection that always bring a smile when I hear it.  Ladies and gentlemen, George Formby:..... and yes he is before by time you smart ass

Hugs,

April

Book Review

Me at the North Korean DMZ, the shorts caused an international  incident

Transsexuals are usually portrayed in a very negative light in popular culture, especially in the last century.

I have since a pre-teen been a fan of Clive Cussler and his American "James Bond" character Dirk Pitt. I recently gave my oldest child a copy of his Raise the Titanic.

The novels mostly combine underwater adventure and historic mysteries. Both Cussler and his fictional hero are car collectors and each novel usually features a cool antique car. 

Perhaps the first reference to transsexuality I ever came across was in Cussler's 1975 novel Iceberg. Purchased as in flight entertainment for a trans-atlantic trip to by boarding school the transsexual character certainly got my full attention. You can picture me on a 747 in my school uniform nose buried in the book, eschewing the airline food for a bag of bbq potato chips….still my greatest weakness.

(warning very out dated spoiler alert)

I recently came across the very same copy of that novel and decided to see if my memory was playing tricks on me.  Nope! 

We first meet Kirsti Fyrie, the Icelandic CEO of Fyrie Ltd. She is described as the "loveliest woman north of the sixty-fourth parallel".

Pitt turned, and so did every other male head in the restaurant. She stood in the foyer very tall and very blond, like a fantasy of womanly perfection, incredibly beautiful, as if caught the perfect pose by the lens of a fashion photographer's camera. her statuesque figure was encased in a long violet-coloured dress…

…she walked over to the table , moving with a graceful flowing motion that possessed all the suppleness of a ballerina and more than the suggestion of a natural athlete. By this time all the women in the restaurant were eyeing her with instinctive envy."

Perhaps it would be too much for readers in 1975 but Pitt eventually spurns Ms. Fyrie's advances as she is indirectly responsible for the death of an old friend (she was being blackmailed in her defence). Others have accused this novel of being homophobic and misogynistic. What is surprising is the even handedness and acceptance accorded her status in the novel. :

'That there never was a  sister. That Kristjan died the exact moment you were born?' He shook his head. 'What difference would it make? As Kristjan you weren't willing to accept the sex your body had given you so you undertook sex conversion surgery and became Kirsti. You came into this world transsexual. Your genes crossed you up. You weren't satisfied with the hand nature dealt you so you made a change. What more is there?'

 Too bad I couldn't take a hint!

April