Keep Hope Alive

Jeez where to start, there should really be canon of blues songs about the trials and tribulations of trying to survive as a middle class family.

Reviewing my finances on line is really the wrong way to begin a Monday morning. If I keep my foot out of the accelerator I just might have enough gas money to get me to my next pay check.

Had to work last night which adds insult to injury as it costs me to drive in on the weekend. Presentation tomorrow have to wear a suit….guy suit….boooooo

I had a whole lot of other topics to bitch about today but economics has rather taken the wind out of my sails. I need a pep talk; Jessie Jackson’s 1988 presidential slogan keeps popping up in my mind… “Keep hope alive!!” Funny thing is I am a Republican or as much of one as someone living in our Dominion can be.

Hope is so important; it is what makes us get up every morning, to take another breath and to believe we can make the impossible, possible. Depression is like anti-matter, it is the absence of hope. So I keep trying to Keep Hope Alive!

I was able to go out Saturday night, met up with girlfriends Ashley and Marissa and her adult son John. We had a great time at Boston Pizza, it felt very natural and I was not spooked by the crowd. I still don’t make as much eye contact as I do in guy mode but I hold my head up and go where I want to go. Just three women talking about movies, fashion, politics etc….wonderful.

So what did I wear, sweater, pencil skirt, boots, black of course with a gold chain belt.

I honor of my general air of being bummed here is Social Distortion and “Bad Luck”, title sound like a downer but it is a real rave up:

Hugs,

April

On the Couch

Just a minute between filming to jot down some thoughts today. I had a therapy session yesterday evening. I had not been for almost a month but was very glad I was able to find the time.

Prior to dealing with being transsexual I dismissed therapy as something for other people, for people who were weaker and lacked the self will to help themselves.

Needless to say I have changed my opinion, after a series of depressive periods and on the insistence of my wife I sought out help. I know it is not always easy to find someone who knows about Trans issues. I was lucky in that an old friend was a therapist, it was still difficult at first to pick up the phone and tell him why I needed to see him professionally.

The sessions have helped greatly, to accept who I am and to control and reduce my depression. I have learned much about myself beyond being Trans as well.

Of course, if anyone in my neck of the woods (S. Ontario) needs his contact info just ask.

It seems this week has invoked the spirit of the King, no reason to stop now. The remix of “A Little Less Conversation” was a big hit a few years ago, did you ever hear the original from the movie Live A Little, Love A Little? No, well here is it is:




Elvis and a 1968 Imperial convertible what is not to love? And yes I want to be the girl in the white mink.

Hugs,

April

Famous Women I Have Met

Ok don’t get too excited this will be a remarkably short series. Perhaps one or two if I can think of someone else.

Surfing You Tube the other day I came across some old kinescopes of Town Hall Party, a country and western TV show that ran from 1954 to early 1961 on KTTV from the Compton suburb of LA.

The show was remarkable for featuring a number of legendary rockabilly artists such as Gene Vincent, Eddy Cochran, Johnny Cash, The Collins Kids and Wanda Jackson.

Wanda is the undisputed queen of rockabilly with a powerful voice and the only woman to better an Elvis tune (Let’s Have a Party), she also dated him!

I met Ms. Jackson at an outdoor rockabilly show years ago and even got her autograph. Her voice had lost none of the power and she could still make the fringe on her dress move in opposite directions.

Here she is doing Hard Headed Woman, that is Joe Maphis on the double necked guitar.

I hope you will be inspired to look up some more of her hits, make sure you check out Funnel of Love or Fujiyama Mama, mere words cannot do them justice.

Pictured, Wanda, Elvis and pink 55 Cadillac…wow!





Hugs,

April

Prison of My Own Making

I have mentioned before that my job is one I cannot transition at. A small privately held company its policies are solely dictated by the owner.

I firmly believe that outing myself would lead to instant dismissal if not the threat of physical violence. I fear that if I leave and my transition becomes known my reputation will be unmercifully attacked.

I have been complicit in allowing what was initially a dream job becoming a stifling prison. Being Trans aside my job has past its best before date. Time to move on.

Ah but there’s the rub, I have been unable or unwilling to give up the safety of a regular salary and dealing with an industry I love. Between myself and my employer I, have fashioned the very chains that bind me to unhappiness and a continued and unbearable male existence.

I had a break down this week, the stresses overflowed the levees of my male façade and I sobbed in anger and frustration.

I am not so blind to realize that in these difficult economic times a job is a valuable thing and I am grateful to have been employed for a long time. But the time for change is LONG overdue. I need to find the strength to make that change happen.

April

Here is the movie version of Jailhouse Rock:

What Color is Your Wedding Dress?

I am privileged that my mother, father and brother all care enough to read my little diatribes. And most importantly my wife. I was going to complain about my job today but she suggested a different topic.

A little about her first to know how she fits into this story. I came out to her in a gradual manner over the last two years and she has been supportive and understanding through it all. She has shown a true Christian attitude where it would be so easy for anger and bitterness to take root. Anger only flares when I let myself descend into depression.

I love her and never wanted to hurt her, when we married I was naive and considered my transexualism to be an aberration that would eventually disappear.

We are best friends but separation and divorce (although friendly) is an inevitability. How our future family living arrangements will look is uncertain but I am positive we will find an answer that is best for the children.

Being Trans means having to embrace the absurd sometimes. A discussion with your wife about whether it would be appropriate for me to wear a white wedding dress if I were to remarry has got to take the cake so to speak.

How is someone supposed to take their husband becoming a woman? She is honest and admits to occasional feelings of anger and fear about the future. Will she find someone else to provide the type of closeness and companionship she misses?

Surprisingly she also admitted to feeling of jealousy. I have more clothes and fit into a smaller dress size. The children have said I am pretty…..raise in allowances all round! I understand that it is typical competiveness between two women. But she is beautiful and will always be more than I can ever be no matter how much I spend on surgery.

One day in the future we may both find someone else. I know she will have no trouble on that account and although we can no longer be a couple I know that on that day I will be happy for her but my heart will still break.

Time to lighten the mood; here is Elvis and Ann Margaret with the Lady Loves Me….

Hugs,

April

Saturday Night, Sunday Morning

I met my friend Ashley for drinks on Saturday evening, wore a black sweater dress with sheer nylons, jewelled two inch heels. Wife thought it was too short for a woman of my age. I will admit the dress looked shorter with tan nylons, worked better when I wore it with black tights. I believe she called it a desperate divorcee number, which I found quite amusing.

Ashley looked great by the way. We initially went to the Carrigan Arms but a live band meant it was too loud for me, also not my kind of music. We retreated to an establishment more to our tastes and where we could carry on a conversation without yelling at each other.

Sunday was a super rush to get ready in the morning and drive into Toronto for the Trans parent forum at Sherbourne. Made it in ok but lost a hubcap from the Toronado. I wore my favourite jeans, a scooped black T-shirt with a black lace cami underneath and a belted sweater. Wife pronounced the outfit much more appropriate. I left the house in boy/girl mode as it was broad daylight. Running shoes, bomber jacket and dark glasses (no wig). Oh and gloves to hide the painted nails.

Once I arrived at Sherbourne I switch shoes, jacket, hair and applied a light pink lip stick. The forum was very interesting all MTF except the facilitator who was FTM. Initially I was really nervous but everyone was friendly and we had a good chat before the session. Most of the attendees had been full time (post op?) for a while and a wide spectrum of ages. I wanted to participate in the study as there is little knowledge on the issue and on a selfish note I wanted to push the envelope and gain more experience being out in the daytime.

My wife needed to go onto the office so I drove straight back getting stuck downtown in the traffic leaving the Santa Claus parade. I was thinking about heading over to the Eaton's Center mall but time was short and I really didn't feel in the shopping mood. I drove home en femme and was able to safely enter the house under the cover of darkness.

Presented as April for the rest of the evening, minus wig as it gets hot since I have let my natural hair grow out. Dinner, baths for the children then bedtime. Watched episode 4 of the Walking Dead.

Quick car update, changed oil and greased chassis (what a filthy job) this weekend. While I was underneath I saw the driver's side CV boot has cracked...more work. Terrible wind noise from the sunroof not shutting properly on the passenger side RH corner. I just hope it doesn't leak again. The Toronado handled downtown traffic fine but a definite vibration above 100 KPM drive axle?

So if you find a Toronado XS hub cap please contact me, there will be a reward. The caps are unique to the XS model Oldsmobile and are quite rare, luckily I did have a spare.


Hugs,

April

Trans Parenting and a little Holy Rolling

So everything at work has become a red ball and the buck stops with me. Same deal at my wife’s office perhaps it is something to do with the build up to the Christmas holidays. I apologize if this post is somewhat disjointed.

I work in an almost total male environment and as the week progresses I feel the femininity being leeched from my soul. I cannot be who I am so I continue to wear the mask I have been able to partially shed at home. Note to self GET ANOTHER JOB! Yes I know I am lucky to have a job.

Another long night getting my alternative transport ready for use, an hour fettling ended up lasting well past the witching hour. Middle child sick, reinforcements (Mom) called in to fill the breech.

Toronado ran well on the morning commute with the only annoyance being wind noise from the improper sealing sunroof. Driven to distraction last night by the fuse for the courtesy lights blowing. I think I went through six 20amp fuses until I tracked the problem to an abraded wire to the trunk light. Working for now but you never know old cars, they have their own agenda.

This Sunday I will be taking part in a Trans parent forum in the big city. I would like to attend as April; however this would mean leaving home during daylight hours. Typical suburban neighborhood where each house is visible to others on the street. Not an insurmountable problem but I will have to carefully consider what I will wear and what additions or subtractions I can make in the car.

I wanted to tip any of you with the same musical taste to a great site called the Hound Blog. One of the latest posts deals with Brother Claude Ely, one of the greatest Gospel shouters ever. If this guy recorded secular music he would have been one of Rock n, Roll’s founding fathers. Lots of his records here free to download:

http://thehoundblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/brother-claude-ely.html

This stuff really moves, Brother Claude makes a joyous noise unto the Lord that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I am not one for organized religion (as Groucho said, “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members” but this would get me into church. Have a listen and hope it brightens your day.

Speaking of religion I have it on good authority that God does love us as we are and as whom we wish to be. Being Trans is not a sin, nor is transitioning.

Hugs,

April
PS. Picture has nothing to do with this post, another photo from the dance last week.