I feel that my life is at a crossroads, the time has come to tell my employer, the gateway to me going full time sooner rather than (much) later.
To say nothing and preserve the status quo, that road sees me cut my hair and put April on ice (a 45 right between the eyes for that pushy broad) or perhaps try and integrate her into my predominantly male life. I think it is all or nothing, living only for those stolen moments as my true self would be too painful.
The other road sees me open my arms to the possibilities of the universe, the real fear of financial ruin, public scorn and loss of a relatively comfortable middle class existence. The promise of success and the joy of becoming the woman I was supposed to be.
I liked that much better than walking by the Stop n' Shop
because I had the radio on
Truer words have never been spoken
Random Thoughts from Suburbia
My up and down emotions had me in depressive valley yesterday, down about work and the worry concerning telling my boss. I think coming out to someone important is like an earthquake. The pressure builds and builds over time until the force of the truth must finally be released. I have tried to be cool and detached but as events at other companies have conspired to ruin all my best laid plans the time to tell has come whether I want it or not. I cannot wait any longer, the day is imminent, acceptance or ruin.
My fears about the toll my transition is taking on my wife's emotional well being are well founded. As usual when depressed I stayed up too late, this time we ended up talking instead of sleeping. Again she encouraged me to seek pharmacological help, we have drifted apart and neither can continue on the path we are on without breaking down. Although not her intention our discussion makes me feel terribly guilty, if it were not for the children I would wish to travel back in time and erase our meeting. To allow her to find someone normal and not the flawed person she ended up with.
On past occasion I will think can I put all this all behind me and try once again to live as a normal man, husband and father. Is it a sacrifice that could remain permanent? Would it save things? Our talk does not cause any of these doubts to return but rather reinforces my decision, my transsexual status all the more clear through the hurt of her own memories of our life together.
Lets switch gears, Magda Goebbels. I made the mistake of watching the excellent German film Downfall, earlier this week. The story of the last days of Hitler as Berlin falls to the final assault by the Red Army. I have always been fascinated by the end of things, nations, ideologies, even corporations. The disillusion of the Confederacy, the defeat of the Third Reich even the end of the Packard Motor Company. A list GM almost found themselves on recently.
The scene where Mrs. Goebbels, a true believer in National Socialism to the bitter end poisons her five children was almost too much to watch and I wept. Despite its intensity I would still recommended it highly. The eldest daughter Helga sensed what was coming and tried to resist.
I bumped into an old work colleague the other day at the Chapters book store. We were both looking at the hot rod magazines, he hadn't recognized me, not thinking I said hello. He appeared shocked, no I was not en femme, but my hair, the weight I had lost (not that much I thought) and the changes in my face brought about by hormones obviously threw him for a loop. We talked about business and cars but I could tell my appearance was a distraction.
Amazing election results here in the land of ice and snow an unnecessary (and dangerous to the economy) election called by the Liberal party to defeat the Conservative minority government resulted in a large Conservative victory, the New Democrats supplanting the Liberals as the official opposition. Speaking of the end of things the Liberals were reduced to only 30 plus seats and the separatist Bloc Quebecois party almost fades into oblivion. I have no doubt the Liberals will be back.
So not a bad week in the news, especially as the mass murder Bin Laden is also consigned to the dust bin of history. A Navy Seal dispatched him with a "double tap" to the head…shades of Zombieland.
I had a wonderful afternoon and evening on Sunday.
Ashley had invited me to a HOPE and local Pride Day lunch planning session. Proving there is no such thing as a free lunch we both volunteered or was it dragooned into helping out with this year's events.
After lunch we dropped by the mall for a quick bit of window shopping and wishing for an unlimited clothing budget. Then off to see an other girl friend in Hamilton and finally dinner. Back home by an incredibly yearly 9:00 PM.
True to form I stayed up way too late returning e-mails and redrafting a work agreement. My company was supposed to film today but it looks like the shoot will be scrubbed due to rain.
Oh and we met a Supermodel, Enza that is. Enza "Supermodel" Anderson is a trans activist, writer and banker. I remember seeing her on television when she ran for mayor of Toronto. Her motto was "A Super City Deserves a Super Model!" Now I find myself next to her having lunch. It was great to meet her in person, she is very down to earth and committed to making a difference.
Hugs,
April
OK I am going to totally geek out here and post the trailer for The Deathly Hallows Part 2:
It has been a while but the dark angel of depression enfolded me in her suffocating wings once again.
I have been working extremely hard at my new job to prove myself, to earn my salary in new business within the first couple of months, at that point I would tell my boss That I plan to transition. Thanks to some initially successful deals I was tantalizingly close to achieving my goal.
As of last week two signed sealed and delivered deals were now in jeopardy, I saved one but the larger one is now up in the air. After an exhausting week and many late nights working on proposals I did not have the energy to fight off the depression and welcomed the despair and sadness like an old friend. I retreated to bed still in my suit incapable of making dinner and seeking only the oblivion of dreamless sleep.
Once again I was failing my wife and family just adding to my feelings of worthlessness.
A true warrior whether male or female dusts themselves off and starts to plan a counter attack, sometimes I feel so damn tired. I am in a tough business (aren't we all these days) which requires a doggedness and level of entrepreneurship I fear I sometimes lack.
Perhaps I also secretly fear that I know that my bosses reaction will be negative and all this will be for naught.
Tomorrow is another day and right now I will take solace in the words of the Bishop of London who opened his sermon at the Royal wedding today with this quote:
“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”
I have been remiss in not blogging, from Good Friday on things at work were go go go. I was up writing proposals and articles until three am each evening. Wednesday my boss and I drove to Montreal for a meeting with the new network.
On the way down we had a chance to talk about business plans, cars, music and anything under the sun…well almost anything. Although tempted to tell him about myself (as I want to go full time soon) I am waiting until I have brought in a bit more new business.
Despite the rain and grey skies Montreal was beautiful, the meeting went well. We had a new 2011 Lincoln MKX to drive, I would have preferred a vintage Continental Mark IV or V. However, the cost of feeding a hungry 460 V8 at $1.41per litre would be painful.
Wind storms on the way back to Ontario, the grit spread by salt trucks during the recently departed winter produced mini sand storms and at one point a large metal road sign detached itself from a pole and just missed our windshield.
I returned home just in time to take my daughters to a school recital where the younger two were to perform. Back home for a quick dinner, stories and to bed.
The frantic pace of work, the business trip have all served to keep my mind occupied and the spectre of dysphoria at bay. A brief flare up when I spotted a group of red uniformed stewardesses checking into the hotel as I checked out. Virgin Atlantic maybe? Back home the dysphoria, sadness and doubt hit me hard and I could feel my frustration and anger build.
I am so worried what my boss's reaction will be, I am constantly over analysing any statement from him on sexuality or gender. The suspense is killing me.
Hugs,
April
PS. The photos are of my hotel room and the view from my window.
The new company I work for actually believes in holidays so I was banking on a rare Friday off. Because of family Easter events I thought I better get out with the girls Thursday night or nothing.
Thursday turned out to be a super busy work day leaving little time to get ready….as usual. The result being that by the time we got to Toronto (thanks for driving Natasha) I was already beat. Home by 3:00 AM, really I am too old for such nonsense. Honestly it was way more fun hanging out at Ashley's new place and enjoying girl talk and one or two of her excellent martinis.
Heading back to the car last night a guy in Cadillac tries to pick me up, but is was a Catera, I mean really….
This morning I am greeted by a phone call from the new network head demanding changes, new delivery dates etc…basically a red ball from heck with no way to get things done, since everyone from Toronto to Montreal is off for the long weekend. But my job to solve…..
Did I mention the proposal and article all due next week. Plus a trip to Montreal. Crazy but happy to have the job. Now about telling my boss, that is another kettle of fish.
Yeah I know I post a lot of Ramones tunes but here is a real hidden gem:
Late Sunday afternoon I was attempting to head out to do the week's grocery shopping with my youngest daughter.
I let her go outside ahead of me while I searched for my wallet, car keys and the list I just made. By the time I got outside she was deep in conversation with our neighbour. It seems his gas powered generator would not start. She had already volunteered my services to fix it, well I checked fuel delivery spark, choke but nothing seemed a miss. As he and I discussed possible problems and searched in vain for the manual she volunteered that "daddy" (that's me by the way) wanted to become a girl and was becoming a girl and that I had lots of girl outfits.
Great Caesar's ghost, I am sure I froze for a second, it was like watching a train wreck. Then she went to explain how at the father of a school friend had died as the result of being bitten by a snake, I believe this has less validity than her earlier statement. Laughing off her revelations I said I doubted anyone at school had suffered a snake related fatality. The neighbour seemed nonplussed remarking that it was understandable living in a house with three daughters.
Really I should not be surprised and expected this moment for some time. Perhaps she has already spilled the beans to her teacher, friends parents and the Sunday school class. On the whole I was more amused than horrified.
I did not correct her or swear her to secrecy, as there is nothing morally wrong with being transsexual/transgendered and I am not going to stigmatize it at home. I am hoping that going full time is not far off and then the point will be mute. In the meantime we will have to have a talk about when and to whom it is right to share such information.
Had to pick up all three from school today, driving home in the Electra we had Sam & Dave, Hold On I'm Coming playing, the two in the back providing an impromptu chorus of nonsense words….I could not help but be happy and grin like a fool…such a ray of sunshine on a cold grey day.
