Beautiful summer has appeared as if by magic born of a record damp spring. But all I can see is a line of cars and they're all painted black"
I reached a nadir emotionally yesterday, my thoughts had turned increasingly dark as I could see only a lose, lose outcome from any possible future outcomes. Worried that my mood was dangerously bleak (I think you' all know what I mean) I stopped by to see my mother, I had a near breakdown but unburdening myself has not really helped.
"J" argues that I need pharmacological help. I am rather afraid of messing up my thinking anymore than it is already. I do know that things cannot go on like this as my depression is having a negative effect on those around me as well as my ability to function beyond work.
April
Yeah I know the photo is not of a black car but it is a 1959 Cadillac Superior hearse. Obvious choice but you can't go wrong with a classic, perhaps the most beautiful funeral car ever made.
Oh but we are the playthings of fortune. I have been reluctant to update the blog as I have been down in the dumps. But dear reader you get me for better or worse.
It seems a cruel joke that having finally found a position that will accept me I am in danger of loosing my job. A major client has not paid and the company is in danger of running out of operating capital and hence my predicament.
I cannot bear the thought of looking for another job, who will hire me (a freak) , I will have to cut my hair (I cannot tell you how loath I am to contemplate this), postpone transition. Do I transition anyway, I fear my job prospects starting out as April will be next to nil.
Or just take the easy road of societal acceptance and remain male, anesthetize myself with cars and antidepressants
It is not to say that these things must come to pass but it is too close to call.
Ah the $64,000 dollar question. I should be happy I told my boss and I still have my job, there is technically nothing stopping me going full time tomorrow.
Except I promised "J" that I would wait till school is finished in five weeks or so. Not that I am planning to transition that soon anyway, September seems to be a more fortuitous month.
I was asked the question that is the title of this post earlier this evening by my wife. She is right my happiness at the great news has been muted, I have been quick to anger, overly emotional and perhaps a little depressed.
Nevertheless I have experienced a great deal of relief and have the energy to begin planning for my future again. But not happy.
It is fear I believe, fear that the road ahead will be even more difficult than the gruelling emotional journey that got me to this point.
Fear that doubt may be returning, I owe it to myself and others to be sure of my motivation. I hesitate to express these thoughts as I do not wish to be considered wanting. "see I told you "he" was not really transsexual". I want this blog to be as honest as I try to be with myself.
Do I have second thoughts, no I cannot go back to the way things were. I cannot live a managed male existence. I could try and maybe even succeed for a short while but there lies madness and self destruction.
Rather it is fear of future emotional, personal and financial pain that has dulled my joy.
It is the fear of a loss of anonymity. As a cis gendered male I wore a virtual invisibility cloak, I could pass through the sea of society without being noticed.
As a trans woman that anonymity vanishes and I put my true self on display for the world to see. There is no where to hide.
Up until recently when out as April I wore a wig, I looked nothing like my male self. I could have walked right by a friend or neighbour and they would be hard pressed to recognize me.
My natural hair is longer (not long enough yet) and I am once again self conscious about going out. I can no longer hide behind that disguise. I am forced to share myself with the world. Now that is scary.
Like the proverbial dog who finally catches the car they have been chasing…now what do I do?
It has been a somewhat surreal day, yesterday I told my boss. It went well, in fact better than I could ever possibly imagine. The momentous event, the last major hurdle to going full time, the one thing I had been obsessing over and dreading for months now.
Today was spent driving around the furthest reaches of the city in the sudden summer heat attending meetings. Total guy drag, grey suit and fresh white shirt. One business acquaintance who I had not seen since last year remarked on how did I grow so much hair. Tired from yesterday by the time I made it home late this afternoon I felt as if I was going to collapse.
It is now late Friday night/Saturday morning but I have recovered enough to jot down my thoughts.
We had a company meeting yesterday and the tension of the past few weeks had lifted with some good business news about one of our largest clients. I had been working hard to generate my own positive news for the company but this struck me as the perfect opportunity to speak with him now that the pressure was off and the "problem" at hand could have his undivided attention.
I asked to speak with him privately that evening, no he said lets talk now, there was no way I was going to bare my soul in the middle of a parking lot. I told him I would call after dinner to arrange a place and time and no it was not about money or me quitting. No doubt he was still freaked out, what was wrong was I sick, family member sick, going to die?
After dinner I call, he wants to talk over the phone, again I insist I must see him in person. Earlier in the day I had prepared a file with an article on transsexualism, my camh letter and some photos. So where to meet, neutral ground was important, I blurted out the name of a local watering hole as it was the first thing to come to mind. A few minutes later I raced down the highway I wanted to get there first to snag a quiet booth, I pulled off the highway and there he was ahead of me on the overpass.
The bar was packed but the crowd worked to my advantage as it was so noisy with folks watching the hockey game (don't ask me who was playing) we could have a relatively private conversation without anyone listening in.
I asked first if he had any idea why I wanted to speak with him, no, he wasn't going to make it easy on me. I asked him to read my camh letter, at one point he looked up from the letter and I could not read his reaction. I tensed up my nerves already wound tight and my heart in overdrive. He asked for explanations of gender dysphoria and SRS.
I would not have told him or even joined the company had I not had a feeling he would be supportive. We have known each other for almost a decade now but still when it comes to this of all things, the reaction of our friends and loved ones can sometimes be very difficult to predict and so often we imagine only the worse possible outcomes.
To his ever lasting credit he basically said it was no big deal, that we can deal with it and that he was there to support me. He reiterated that ones health, family and work were what was most important and in that order. So after some discussion of my history, the mechanics of transition and my intention to go full time this year it turned into a regular business meeting where we discussed new developments and how to move the company forward.
A great outcome and all it cost me was the bar tab for all those martinis ;)
I am confident I can do my job and do it better as April.
I am finally free to consider the practical realities of going full time. It all hasn't quite sunk in yet. I know there are further challenges ahead but I feel as if an immense weight has been lifted and once again I can contemplate the future with some hope.
The production team behind Iron Sky has released a new trailer. See below.
I love alternate history (in this case alternate history meets alternate future). Space Nazi's from the dark side of the moon I cannot wait!!!! Nazi's evacuate earth in 1945 and set up a secret base on the moon to re-invade earth in 2018. Thank God President Palin will be in charge by then.
http://www.ironsky.net/site/
Another great Nazi themed horror movie is 2008's Outpost, available on line. It was well received and an Outpost sequel "Black Sun" is in the works. Zombies mixed with esoteric, occult fascism.
http://www.facebook.com/OutpostBlackSun
I will refer you to John J Reilly's great alt history site for some mind blowing book reviews on occult Nazism and the truth is stranger than fiction life of Francis Parker Yockey. What an opening line…
"Francis Parker Yockey was born in Chicago in 1917 and committed suicide in 1960, when the FBI finally caught him. He dedicated his life to reversing the outcome of the Second World War, a project he believed could be accomplished by 2050".
http://www.johnreilly.info/dod.htm
http://www.johnreilly.info/blasu.htm
To steal a line from Jake Blues, "I hate space Nazi's"
Another step forward, I went out the other night with no wig. On Friday when I saw my therapist I wore what I usually wear around the house when I work at home. Jeans, top, bra and a little makeup or jewellery.
I felt great as I thought I looked ok, not fully like a guy in a dress. I was not as happy with my look Saturday night, casual but more makeup and more time spent on my hair. It certainly is long, well past the length I ever had it before. I don't think I will feel confident until it is they length of the wig I usually wear. I also want my hairline moved when I go for FFS. Thanks to "J" for help with styling and make up!
First photo is only mascara and eyeliner second photo in black top is full makeup, foundation etc. I know I do this "pose" all the time…it is my blue steel. Comments good or bad welcome.
I was out for coffee with girlfriend Marissa and I was very calm and surprisingly not self conscious or any more than usual.
When I finally get it long enough brunette or perhaps black in colour.
Lots of rain this weekend, children's activities, house cleaning, finally watched the King's Speech. Did you all catch Chaz Bono on Oprah OWN Network? Sensitively told and I was especially moved by his early childhood memories.
tomorrow Space Nazis...
Check out Victoria De Mare (horror movie actress) new 45 produced by the legendary and very weird Kim Fowley. Couldn't find a You Tube link so listen as part of Mal's garage punk podcast #34 here:
http://feeds2.feedburner.com/MalThursdayShow
Speaking of childhoods memories, I always wanted a "banana" bike like a Schwinn Stingray but by the time I was old enough to ride a two wheeler these bikes were out of fashion and could not be found for sale at the local hardware store. Yep I still want one!
It is illegal for Saudi Women to drive. I have a lot of issues with any religious theocracy but the right to private transportation is as anyone reading this blog night guess, very important to me.
The freedom of movement is closely tied to the functioning of democracy. No tyranny can survive when its people are free to go where they want. The introduction of affordable automobiles to the west (thanks Henry) changed our society forever.
Can you imagine how isolated you would feel being unable to go anywhere unless a male relative or chauffeur (an expense few can afford) is available to drive you in your own car!
Saudi women with international drivers licences are planning to start driving on mass on June 17th. For this act of defiance they risk job loss, arrest, travel bans and branded as harlots by Wahhabi clerics.
I wish them success in changing the kingdom's laws and perhaps this will signal the start of a peaceful revolution that will lead to equality and democracy.
