He Ain't Heavy

OK I am determined to get another post in this week, can you believe at one time I was almost able to do this daily. I am so busy but seem to achieve so little. My brother is visiting from Japan this month, it is great to see him again. I miss him but don't realize how much until we have these rare vistas.

I picked him up with my dad on Tuesday but didn't get a chance to speak with him at length until last night. Long day yesterday, stayed up late writing the night before then helped out on a photo shoot. No I was not the model but I can see how you might think so LOL.

After dinner and getting children to bed and cleaning up a bike we are giving away I zipped over in the latest press car to see my brother. So what was I driving, a press car from Mercedes, a SL55 finished in satin silver. Not my usual cup of tea but it would be unfair to say it is not a superlative automobile. I still like my transport to have a little more patina.

We took the roadster for a cruise around town which gave us the opportunity to talk about the elephant in the room….me…being trans. He knows already, reads the blog and is supportive, so I couldn't ask for more. Despite being dog tired and fighting a summer cold I was glad to be able to have the chance to fill in a few more details.

It was interesting to get his take on things too, "but the models tanks and cars…the Battle and 2000AD comic books growing up". I know it does not seem make sense but solitary guy interests seem to be a common feature of growing up trans (MtoF). It was a shock to him, as a younger brother I helped influence his tastes and who he is, so I can imagine it must be a bit like having one's personal foundations given a good shake.

I hope we get the chance to talk more over the next few days. Bottom line I have a great brother. And no that is not him in the photo.

Here is a great tune by the punk/rockabilly/tudor? band Tenpole Tudor that he hipped me to:

Hugs,

April

A New Post or Just Think About Shoes...

A New Post Part I

Two months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yikes

Well kinda less than two months, I am planning to go full time in September.

I feel I should be doing so much more. I likely will not have a voice appointment till almost September and I am still trying to get rid of white facial hairs. I had a laser session last Tuesday evening. Waiting to book the next electrolysis session.

I really need to make a list of tasks to do (plus people to tell) and start crossing things off.

There is the rest of the family, neighbours, name change on official documents and of course more clothes. I just need more casual items plus a few things for business meetings. I am sure "J" will disagree. You see a number of items no longer fit and were bought when passing in a typical work setting seemed like light years away.

I am so excited and happy but also scared witless and I guess I can hardly believe I am doing it. I still think preparing myself mentally is most important,... that and long hair! Kept getting paint in it last week when painting the oldest daughter's bedroom. It also gets in my eyes when I work on the cars, which is somewhat less frequent these days.

It is getting easier telling people, though I don't look forward to telling my mother in law, brother in law and his wife.

A New Post Part II

I have not blogged in over a week mea culpa, I had written a post or two but never put them up as my mood changed and they seemed out of date. Life was getting in the way of my angst.

I continue to worry about my work and have been spending time in the evenings trying to get more done, especially when the creative writing of proposals is called for. As a result I have had less time to write on personal matters. In addition being extra busy at work and at home tends to keep the GID temporarily at bay.

I get frustrated that I cannot get out as April but am comforted by the knowledge that her time will soon be here.

Eldorado Update

The 75 Cadillac Fleetwood Eldorado coupe is now legal with a new set of "historic" license plates. The gargantuan 500 cubic inch (8.2 litters) V8 is running well. Initial runs around the block and down the nearest service road have not left me stranded. Fly in the ointment is that the FWD turbo hydramatic transmission seems to be shifting late. A rebuild is expensive (more than the old girl is worth) so I certainly hope it is just an adjustment issue or a matter of a fluid and filter change. Damn all i can think of is transmissions now… I hate having a one track mind. Think about shoes instead….

The lead photo is a GM publicity still celebrating Damsels in Design. The corporations first VP of Design, the legendary Harley J. Earl was by all accounts a tough boss but apparently more than just a visionary in area of automotive styling. GM employed a number of female designers in the fifties, I would love to know more about their experiences.

Hugs,

April

A Question of Confidence

It has been a week since I visited CAMH, time is flying by and I feel that September and the planned date for going full time will be here before I know it.

Friday is already Canada Day and the summer solstice has come and gone, so many things to do, cars to sell, the Corvette still has not come out of hibernation. We are finally coming to grips with moving around the children's bedrooms and a quick repaint of the oldest's room seems like planning for D-Day when every day life is constantly getting in the way.

My focus has been on work work work primarily and although it has taken my attention away from any transition issues it means that I am not obsessing about what the neighbours or remaining relatives will think. I am afraid I have a very one track mind and tend to fixate on single issues.

I also cannot help worrying about employment and what will happen if I am not successful in helping the company grow and have to look for a new gig as April.

I feel rightly or not that a successful initial transition (going full time) is very much dependent on mental preparedness, at least for me. I wish I passed every time without question, even with FSS and SRS I expect that will not always be the case.

A projection of confidence and self assurance in our true gender is perhaps the most important ingredient. I know I see that in the reaction to some of my more fearless friends.

Believe it or not my confidence is slowly improving, especially as my hair grows longer and the hormones promote changes in body and mind. I am not as timorous in public but still have a long way to go. Work and family life mean that I do not get out as much as I would like as April and I fear that September will be a something of a trial by fire and less like slipping seamlessly into a new identity. To paraphrase on an old statistics professor trials and suffering are good for you.

The Eldorado continues its slow march towards getting licensed. A trip to the Ministry of Transportation offices resulted in disappointment on Saturday. I had gotten up early and headed out the door but still faced a line up even before they opened their doors at 9:00 Am. Despite a safety certificate (like an MOT), proof of insurance, invoice and original ownership it turned out I didn't have the proper Ministry approved appraisal form…for tax purposes of course.

I was happier with the above photo from Saturday as my hair looked better in my opinion. I also love the top, seems to be very French.

Well from France to Italy, here is Mina with Bang Bang from 1967. Mina is an Italian pop legend who was on the scene from the late fifties to the missed seventies. From wikipedia: Mina dominated the Italian charts for fifteen years and reached an unsurpassed level of popularity in Italy. She has scored 77 albums and 71 singles on the Italian charts.

I actually like her take better than Nancy Sinatra, Tarantino should have used this version in Kill Bill.

Hugs,

April

CAMH 2

Tuesady was the big day for my follow up appointment at CAMH. I spent time in the morning getting some real work done, a quick bite to eat then a rush (as usual) to get ready.

The weather was not humid with temperature at noon around 75 degrees so I ended up taking the Electra and let J keep her vehicle.

The drive into Toronto was not bad with only one minor slow down. Off the Gardiner Expressway at Spadina then north through China Town to College. I paid the exorberante fee to park underground at the University of Totonto just down the street from CAMH.

I wore my favorite green dress but the cream two inch heels were murder so I found a place of sit down and have a diet Coke instead of wander around.

My appointment was with a newish female intern, as there has been a changing of the guard so to speak in the almost two years (1 year and 9 months) since my last visit. Almost everyone seems to have retired.

We spent the time discussing the changes and developments since my last visit. Basically I have to show them proof of going full time, pay stubs, letter from my boss etc. at that point I start the clock ticking on my one year real life experience. After that point I can be approved for surgery. Amazing to think that in one year I would be able to book an appointment with Dr. Brassard in Montreal.

Overall a good day. Stuck in terrible rush hour traffic going south on Spadina, clocked by a trio of teenage girls handing out leaflets to passing motorists, which was upsetting after a positive meeting. No one else seemed to pay me any undue attention. I think I held up well in the heat (no working AC) and only looked partially wilted...see self portrait in the car.

The drive back on the QEW was stop and go so I got off at Winston Churchill and met up with Natasha and her spouse for chicken wings before returning home...waiting for dark of course.

Hugs,

April

A Return Visit

CAMH is the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, they are the gatekeepers for all sexual reassignment surgery in Ontario.

I saw them almost two years ago for my initial diagnosis. The appointment on Tuesday in Toronto is a follow up to let them know the progress I have made and that I plan to go full time in September.(job permitting)

Of course I plan to go as April, just as I did on my first visit. This time no wig or silicone to hide behind.

Their rule is two years full time as a woman before one is eligible for surgery. I believe the requirement has recently been reduced to one year. But there will be a backlog.

I still need an outfit and have had neither the time or the budget for something new. Hope "J" and I can put something together tonight.

Since the climate control system in the Electra is not working I asked J if I could take her Town & Country which has working AC. Worried I would arrive a sweaty mess if I could not stay cool in rush hour traffic. I don't need as much makeup as before but I will not go completely natural.

Forecast calls for rain so maybe I will take the Electra after all and save her the indignity of driving a 35 year old car to work.

I did briefly consider taking the GO Train (a commuter service) but the ride back would be during rush hour and the train is usually packed to the gills, standing room only. I am not that confident to present as April in such close contact and sharing ones personal space for an extended period of time.

Or I could go the parade float route and drive my 59 convertible.

I pray that visit is as positive as my first. If I were not so worried about the economy I would feel more celebratory.

My kind of traffic:

Peyton Place

As I said yesterday what I am currently worried about (besides economics) is the reaction of our neighbours on the close knit suburban street we live on and have lived on for 15 years.

Our quiet tree lined street is like going back in time three or four decades. It is its own little community within the bedroom community that serves the "centre of the universe" otherwise known as Toronto.

Everyone on our street is basically the same age with young children and of the same waspish ethnic background. Everyone knows everyone to some degree, the children play together and the adults get together for impromptu barbecues and parties on the front lawns where someones garage becomes the local pub for the evening. Quite idyllic really.

Not much has changed since the suburb was built in the early seventies, just the cars on three street look more modern, well not in my case.

"J" and I have talked a little as how to break the news prior to that day in September where I take that first public step out the front door as April, the day I nuke the planet from space. I or we will speak to the immediate neighbours to the left, right and directly across the road from us. "J" will speak to some of her friends up and down the street.

News travels fast here and I would expect the entire street to know that same day. I do not relish the idea of becoming the local "tranny". I am sure I will experience more than a few panic attacks in those early days. As much as I want that day to come, to begin to live authentically I am almost physically sick with worry over my neighbours reactions. In fact I much less fear coming out at work (already out to my boss) and dealing with clients in what is a predominately male industry.

I do not want "J" to be ostracized by her friends, I don't want other parents on the street forbidding their children from coming over to our house to play with our kids.

I don't expect angry villagers with torches but "J" and I have discussed worse case scenarios, that we have to move or that I will have to leave at least for now to somehow lessen the blow. Out of site, out of mind.

Hugs,

April

From Wikipedia:

Peyton Place is a novel about the soap opera goings on in small New England town published in 1956. Peyton Place became a movie in 1957 and an equally famous primetime drama series,which aired on ABC in half-hour episodes from September 15, 1964 to June 2, 1969. The term "Peyton Place" became a generic label for any community whose inhabitants have sordid secrets.

Drinking Gasoline

I thought that working from home would free up more time but it seems as if my days have been getting more and more busy. As a result the frequency of this blog has suffered. Previously I would use some of my commuting time behind the wheel to compose posts in my head. Now I try and find a minute or two to squeeze my thoughts onto a word document.

So what's new…the Eldorado finally made it home after a year plus of being up at one of the few garages I trust to work on my cars. Unfortunately the left hand side body fillers between behind the front and rear bumpers cracked. The original urethane is very susceptible to UV rays. I had already replaced the right hand side with fibreglass repops. I am getting good at taking them part ;)

The plan is to get her quickly on the road at little or no cost (meaning I have to do the work). Then decide which seventies GM front drive luxury car I am going to keep and which to sell….or both sigh. Any major problems will mean parting her out (April sheds a tear) so she better get to work and earn her keep in my oversized fleet of super tankers. In light of record high gas prices, what do I decide to drive, the biggest V8 ever installed in a production car…a 500 cubic inch Cadillac motor, that is 8.2 liters for my European readers.

I got out on Sunday to see girlfriends Marissa and Natasha, too much coffee was consumed. I was feeling like I wanted to bow out but I had a great time and was glad I decided to go.

On Monday evening I had a doctors appointment, blood work showed estrogen high, testosterone super low to minuscule. Referral to a voice clinic in Toronto. I also talked to her about being depressed, she recommended some natural supplements and continuing with my exercise before resulting to better living through chemistry. Imagine, my first trip to a health food store!

Another first, I went to the appointment as April! Nervous, yep but also so very affirming. Doctor made a note to have staff call me April next time instead of my male alias. Yes, just like the above photo, no wig, rather uncertain looking natural hair and all.

I am still pretty stressed about everything but I am in a far better place, I just have to make it last .

So what am I obsessing over this week. Well the planned September date for going full time rushes on like an approaching storm. Practical concerns like what and how to tell the neighbours is keeping me up at night. I wish I could just say I don't care what other people say but my transition also effects my wife and children in a million different ways.

More tomorrow.

Hugs,

April