I know I am being hypocritical having posted a series of mostly secular Christmas songs last year at this time but this season the endless drivel of 'holiday" standards croaked by an ever changing retinue of aging pop stars makes me want to drive my Thunderbird through a shopping mall like Jake and Elwood.
Gosh that felt good to write.
I am not a church goer…..I think I have authority issues. I have belief, though my faith may be lacking.
Two different religious themed videos held me in their sway this week and both made me cry……I blame the hormones. One the post apocalyptic movie Book of Eli, succinctly summed up by a friends teenage daughter as Denzel Washington and a Bible, the other a hymn that a younger me once sung at school.
I offer both as an antidote to the endlessly cloying December to Remember commercials.
Having trouble shaking a apocalyptic feeling, so I made a chocolate cake with ingredients left in the fridge.
not my 59, I am a slightly better parallel parker
The Cadillac on top of the cake is a homage to Ant Farm's art installation history of Cadillac tail fin in Amarillo, Texas. The cars are half-buried nose-first in the ground, at an angle corresponding to that of the Great Pyramid of Giza. Created in 1974 the Cadillac Ranch cars are from 1949-1963 but to truly represent the full fin era they should include a 1948 and 1964 model.
God its been a hard couple of weeks, even my normal happy go lucky facade (that's a joke, I am more morose than your average Russian poet) has begun to crack. I spent a part of this morning alternately crying and screaming into my pillow.
Managed to pull myself together to get some work done then pick up children and make dinner.
Oh and the cake….delicious. Not the musical choice you might expect, this one is for commentator extraordinaire, Cass:
You know what they say better get yourself a Cadillac now because you are going to ride in a long black one eventually…..
Every idiot who goes about with Happy Holidays (PC don't cha know) on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. (Scrooge)
Christmas has always been a difficult time for me. The forced consumer happiness of the season never meshed well with someone so unhappy in their own skin.
Working freelance has been rather hand to mouth so I cannot even anesthetize myself with a glut of gift buying. Quite a relief not to worry about finding the perfect gift when you can't afford it :)
I did put up the Christmas lights more out of a sense of duty rather than seasonal joy. The artificial tree goes up this weekend. It even snowed today much to the delight of the children and snow plow operators.
always wanted a metallic white or pink Christmas tree, maybe next year
At the grocery store the piped in carols were doing nothing for my morose mood, a dwindling bank account and sense of rejection on the employment front made me want to stick a gun in my mouth….yeah what a drama queen.
What I miss most of all is a sense of purpose, of being useful.
As I waited in line silently cursing Christmas Muzak, the cashier, gently woke me from my revelry, saying Mam your next?
Shouldn't I turn this post around and make it about being thankful:
I should be thankful that I pass. It is hill we all choose die on. I expect to pass now with both men and women. There is still a little residual fear but that too I hope will disappear with SRS. I am no Amanda Lear but I know some guys look at me and their attention is not because I look like a freak but they may actually like what they see. An idea I still find hard to accept.
Make no mistake I have a lot to be thankful for, I am still at home, have my children, friends and my health.
Here are some very beautiful but rather sad Christmas songs by the Ravonettes:
Long meeting this morning with lawyer as part of "J's" and my mediated settlement. Both of us were emotionally drained after the session, sorry no gory details to impart but we did do lunch afterwards. And neither poisoned the other….though I do admit to feeling a little woozy after my first Big Mac in many moons.
It was very emotional, it finally sinking in that we are separated, that the relationship and marriage is over. Of course it was done almost four years ago but this felt like Lee at Appomattox….it was over!
We took separate cars and I parked the T-Bird on the street so I could leave a little later to pick up children from school. As I sat in the car listening to the ticking of the big block 460 cool in they winter air I noticed my reality challenged neighbour step out of his house and take a photo of me in my car.
No I was not illegally parked or blocking his driveway. Then he stands in his living room window video taping me sitting my car while I checked my phone messages. I did my best to ignore him though I really did want to confront him and his stalker behaviour.
His behaviour is really worrying me, I think he is one more incident from me calling the cops. After a trying morning this really put the icing on the cake.
sure its a cool car but why all the video attention
oh yeah me!!!!!!
back to factory wheels for winter
yes that is an Abba 8 track cartridge!
Hugs,
April
PS. thank to all who read or responded to my lonely post, your support means a lot
Transsexual history has remained largely unwritten, those who survived the early days since the late fifties naturally went stealth, they did not become activists, they did not march in the street. Transsexuals were at the forefront of gay liberation of the late sixties but they too have been ignored. All their history and contributions forgotten or co opted into a larger LGBt narrative. Nothing wrong with going stealth, I hope to do the same, to some degree. As transsexuals we are outsiders and often exiles from our families, society and culture. An understanding of our history can provide a foundation to be build a new identity. I am not advocating separatism from the larger culture but to take strength from those who faced even greater challenges than we can imagine. Being transsexual is a curse but we should still take pride in the early achievements of our "sisters" and our own journey. I wrote about Christer Strömholm's beautiful photographic record of the transsexual prostitutes of the Pigalle back in May. Here is a link to my published review in Frock: http://frockmagazine.com/frock018/#/30/
Sorry if you were expecting the History Channel....but who knows, one day.
A friend and great artist called it gorgeous and fierce, I hope you think the same. Hugs, April
Perhaps it is only the change of seasons but I have been gripped by an inexplicable melancholy that saps my will and drive. I think it is just another variation of the depression I have been battling.
At bed time my head swims with thoughts that I have to force myself to quiet in order that Morpheus may visit unopposed.
There is also an abiding loneliness, the children keep us busy and add joy to life but as J and I have drifted further apart we have become uncomfortable roommates. Two cold war super powers that cannot exist in spite of the other. The guard towers and barbed wire fences that separate us mean that neither has the unconditional support and love of the prior relationship.
I never realized how lonely it would be. In my youth I was quite used to being something of a lone wolf, a state many of us no doubt found ourselves in.
Hopefully that is a temporary state for both of us and that the desire of almost all humans for companionship and love will be fulfilled again. It is how I lull myself to sleep each night.
I have fallen into the old trap of using my automobile obsession to as a crutch for my emotions. So far I am happy with both, especially the Jaguar but I cannot allow them to blind me to reality. Some turn to drugs or booze I collect cars. It could be worse I guess it could be fire trucks or locomotives.
I had an interesting conversation with a woman at the Canadian Tire (think PepBoys, Halfords) help desk. She leaned over conspiratorially and asked if like her I felt invisible to the male staff.
Kind of I replied (how often in early transition had all of us wished to be invisible) but mostly I find that I know much more than they do…Men I said, followed by an especially good eye roll.
Hugs,
April
I have no idea what she is singing about but it seems to sum up how I feel:
I have been so tired recently, hormones/anti-androgens, depression, change of season. I mean who the heck falls asleep after three red bulls.
The evening after putting children to bed was my second shift to get work done but recently I just want to fall asleep.
I hate freelancing, not my long term plan that's for sure. One never knows when an assignment will be postponed. Working so hard to sell ideas to editors. Tired of living in genteel poverty, tired of being lonely.
Would be off to Thailand if the 59 Caddy sold….no deal.
The last two cars will be appraised this week to give to lawyer for negotiated settlement.
Sorry for the rant just feeling blue.
A few ups over the last week, met Bobbi and her spouse in person for coffee.
Some young guys in a slammed Civic raced to catch up to the XJ-S (and me I assume LOL) to take photos while we were racing along the highway so if you are reading can I have a copy.
In the middle of a rainstorm a guy in a modified Ford van cruises up to the Lincoln to give me the thumbs up.
Having just written that I think I am too emotionally invested in my cars…..
Walking Dead is back, the only show I watch on TV.
