Feeling All Blue and Grey

Amongst my many automotive obsessions I am also fascinated by the American Civil War. "J" and I toured the battlefields years ago in my 59 Cadillac. To steal a phrase from the excellent book Confederates in the Attic by Tony Horwitz our epic journey was a real civilwargasm.

I have been a civil war geek since my school days in the UK, my heart belongs to the romanticism of the South but my head knows that the Union had to prevail over the moral horror of slavery.

Insert witty segue here:

I managed to mire myself in the transgender vs. transsexual debate once again reading the posts and the comments both reasoned and vulgar. I even contributed to one blog.

I really need to keep clear of this civil war as it leaves me so depressed and full of self doubt. However, I have made some progress and can put that negativity I feel behind me. I do not mean any criticism of those who want to debate these issues but rather the mean spiritedness often on display.

Just a thought but do we see the same animosity between FtM pre and post op, early or late transitioners?

If you don't mind dear constant reader I would like to quote myself,

As for me personally I would have liked to transition earlier but I lacked the knowledge or even the frame of reference to know that such a thing was even possible. Not a day went by my entire life that I did not fervently wish I had been born female. Yes I fought those feelings and did my best to live the life that was expected of me.

I will transition, every mile on this road and been a battle, in the end I will have earned my womanhood.

Finally, I think it is very important to consider each persons social and economic situation as to when they choose to transition. I believe fate and to where and to whom we are born play a huge role in the ability to transition.

Who are we to judge?

Here is a beautiful take on my favourite hymn, though she does leave out the most powerful line;

In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me:
As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,
While God is marching on.



Hugs,

April

THEY KNOW

I had to visit a friend and client the other week I had not seen in almost two years. We had kept in touch with the odd phone call and e-mail but our schedules never meshed.
I finally pinned him down for a lunch meeting.

At his facility I met some of his employees I had also not seen in some time. I wore a suit, I combed my hair in as masculine a fashion as possible. But I didn’t look the same, the hormones have subtlety changed my face, my hair is longer than I ever had it before, I have lost weight. I guess it is a good thing I didn’t get my ears pierced yet.

We had a good meeting and seemingly picked up where we had left off. In a follow up call today he told me that my new “look” was the talk of his office, that he preferred my old rockabilly hairstyle, that I looked CONFUSED, a phrase he repeated a number of times. “You know” he went on, “in this industry you want to have a certain look, you know how car guys are”.

I laughed off his critique and did my best to steer the conversation back to business. Inside I was panicking, He Knows, they know OMG….he can see it!!!

I have lived so long with my secret to have it written on my face is terrifying. I don’t believe it will affect his decision to do business with us. However, clearly I need to tell my boss soon as possible.

That is another worry, my relationship with my boss is closer to that of a friend and I am afraid my eventual revelation will be seen as a betrayal.

And I thought I would have nothing exciting to write about today.

The PLAN

I recently changed jobs or rather companies, I am still doing the same thing in the same industry, I left my previous employer because I knew I could never transition there. So the first part of the plan has come to pass. Step two; tell my current employer that I will be going full time.

Before I tell him (by the way I work for a small privately held company not some multi-national corporation) I want to equal my salary in new business I have brought in within my short three month probationary period. I closed a recent deal that put me ¾ of the way there already.

After those three months and assuming I have reached my personal goal I tell my boss who has known me for a decade. We had worked together in the past as well.

I am a wreck trying to achieve my work goals and mostly wondering what his reaction would be.

I saw my therapist who told me I was giving all my power away to others, well my boss does have the power over my salary and thus life style, my families’ wellbeing and ability to transition.

He suggested perhaps I pave the way with some hints, hmmm not too keen on letting the cat out of the bag just yet. But sometimes the universe provides the answer you are looking for

My boss recently confessed that he loves the British soap opera Coronation Street, as does my mother who just informed me one character Hayley is transsexual. Bingo. Now to work that into a conversation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hayley_Cropper

Discussed my anxieties about goals and coming out to my boss with “J”, she said therapist is right, don’t, give him all the power. Don’t come as a supplicant on bended knee offering him a choice whether to accept you or deny you the right to transition at work.

Approach him in a respectful manner and state that this is who you are and always have been since he has known you. In the next few months you will be embarking on the next more public stage of transition and going full time.

The ball is now in his court as to whether to accept or reject you but not the decision to transition that is yours and you have made it. I feel a lot better about what I have to do now.

Hugs,

April

Saturday & Sukiyaki

Saturday I was up with a spring in my step as I knew I was going out as April. But first get kids up for breakfast and the youngest two off to dance practice. The sun was shining and the promised spring had arrived (it would snow on Sunday just to remind us we do live in Canada). Everyone into the Electra.

Later that morning I took our seven year old to lunch at McDonalds for getting 100% on her spelling test. Much deserved as she had practiced hard all week. While having lunch she loudly (she does not have a mute button) that I was the best daddy ever, funny since there were so many other parents and children around….I am sure they must have been crushed.

Yes she does know all about me, then we took the mauve dress back to winners and looked for a cardigan to go with the green dress I was planning to wear that evening. The day was so nice we broke out the bikes and peddled to the video store to rent a movie for the children to watch that evening, I walked.

I had planned to meet Ashley a local restaurant/bar at 9:00 for a drink then off to a dance at the Carrigan Arms sponsored by HOPE (Halton Organization for PRIDE and Education). Some advance planning was in order. Toe nails were done the night before, finger nails late in the afternoon so they had time to dry. Dinner made and family fed.

I got myself ready and drove over to Milestones, the big Buick created some interest in the parking lot as I cruised around looking for Ashley’s car. As I don’t have my new phone yet, I parked and went in all by myself….gulp. I sat at the bar ordered a cosmo and did my best to look cool and collected. Ashley showed up shortly looking as elegant as ever and we had a good chat for at least an hour before heading over to the dance.

There is a dance every Saturday now to raise money for the organization and despite the warm weather not as packed as past events but we were welcomed back by old friends and a small but friendly crowd. Received some nice comments on my outfit and makeup from the GG’s there. As usual Ashley and I were the only “girls” in attendance. Danced a lot for me. once I relaxed a bit. Only wish they played my kind of music (who does?) and I would have worn my heels down to nubs.

Didn’t leave till 1:30, tired but felt on top of the world for getting out and being me.

Musical pick today is Sukiyaki (I look up when I walk) the 1961 Japanese smash and 1963 hit in the States by Kyu Sakamoto. I always had this filed under guilty pleasures but after seeing it used in a segment of Mad Men I have reconsidered and proudly added it to my iPod play list.

The Mad Men clip can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK3ATi_fFXY

Shopping Blues or By My Buick I Sat Down and Wept

Apologizes to Elizabeth Smart for the title of this post and to any constant readers for my weeks absence. It has been a month since I got out as April and prior to going out with Ashley on Saturday I was scared I had lost my confidence.

A shopping a trip was in order, if I could find something flattering I might feel a little better about journeying beyond my front door en femme. I was still in my black suit and very stylish lavender tie when I drove over to one of my little burgs two malls. Perhaps Friday evening was not a good choice as the place was busy filled with browsing consumers.

I had a quick look in Zellers where I returned a blouse and sweater I had bought two weeks ago. They fit but just didn’t work on me. Then payless but my confidence was rapidly fading, I felt so out of place, I could not browse the racks dressed as a guy. The suit also set me apart from most of the shoppers but still better than scruffy bloke mode (apologises to Jenny at LBF for stealing her phrase).

My mind was in depressive over drive, you look foolish, your hair is too long for a guy, and you will never pass whatever you buy. I started to panic and rushed out to the velour safety of my Electra. I wanted to weep; I could not even go shopping without a breakdown.

Eventually I pulled myself together and resolved to re-enter the mall. I bought a mauve dress at Winners and then having a great teal print dress at The Bay. It was not easy I was still very self-conscious but after the first purchase I was beginning to relax. The cashier at The Bay was great. She read me right away (remember I was in guy mode) and knew the dress was for me. We had a nice chat, which made me feel a lot better

Practice makes perfect, I guess I will just have to practice more…

Here is a great Who tune I criminally had to heard until last night:



Now I am more of a "Rocker" than a Mod but this cut is super hot.Video has some great sixties fashion images.

Till tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

A Gentleman

“J’s” father passed away late Monday morning, she had been by his side almost constantly since he entered the hospice.

He was in considerable discomfort, it was difficult for her to watch and do her best to comfort him. She did a great job, was very strong and I am sure helped him find peace at the end. “J” has a strong faith that has helped her cope; I only wish mine were as strong.

Her father was a gentleman. He really was a wonderful person, worked on the line at Chrysler when the cars still had fins, became a police officer, adopted three children, built is own house. He was an artist, though I am sure he would not describe himself that way, both in photography and carving. A car guy, backyard mechanic and all round handyman in that great Popular Mechanics tradition.

He always put me at ease and would let me ramble on about cars. I never heard him get mad or upset.



She has lost the Atlas holding up her world.


April

Favourite Bedtime Stories

What a day, for the second night in a row I was up till 3:00 AM working on the laptop. Unfortunately the project only took till half past midnight, compatibility errors/bug (?) between Microsoft Word 2010 and older versions of documents I was modifying.

The problem meant two and a half hours of misery and creative cursing. Some team members were able to open the file, others got error messages.

Finally decided to cut the Gordian knot and recreate the file this morning on the older Dell PC in the basement the children use….would have been a lot quicker if I had done that in the beginning.

Totally stressed this morning as it is now late in the day and still lots to get done.

My recent enforced return to the closest so to speak is pretty depressing but it cannot be helped. “J”’s father is ill and she has unselfishly spent every evening by his side.

Like a good book that you turn to when in need of cheering up I have sought out the history of those who have gone before. I have written about April Ashley and Amanda Lear in earlier posts. I don’t seek to emulate these women (I don’t think I could) but I do draw strength from their example. To have transitioned in the sixties must have taken considerable will power and self-awareness.

In this more enlightened though less cool age transition should be a heck of a lot easier. I enjoy rereading their stories as it is a reminder that all is possible and I too will get there.

Hugs,

April