Drinking Gasoline

I thought that working from home would free up more time but it seems as if my days have been getting more and more busy. As a result the frequency of this blog has suffered. Previously I would use some of my commuting time behind the wheel to compose posts in my head. Now I try and find a minute or two to squeeze my thoughts onto a word document.

So what's new…the Eldorado finally made it home after a year plus of being up at one of the few garages I trust to work on my cars. Unfortunately the left hand side body fillers between behind the front and rear bumpers cracked. The original urethane is very susceptible to UV rays. I had already replaced the right hand side with fibreglass repops. I am getting good at taking them part ;)

The plan is to get her quickly on the road at little or no cost (meaning I have to do the work). Then decide which seventies GM front drive luxury car I am going to keep and which to sell….or both sigh. Any major problems will mean parting her out (April sheds a tear) so she better get to work and earn her keep in my oversized fleet of super tankers. In light of record high gas prices, what do I decide to drive, the biggest V8 ever installed in a production car…a 500 cubic inch Cadillac motor, that is 8.2 liters for my European readers.

I got out on Sunday to see girlfriends Marissa and Natasha, too much coffee was consumed. I was feeling like I wanted to bow out but I had a great time and was glad I decided to go.

On Monday evening I had a doctors appointment, blood work showed estrogen high, testosterone super low to minuscule. Referral to a voice clinic in Toronto. I also talked to her about being depressed, she recommended some natural supplements and continuing with my exercise before resulting to better living through chemistry. Imagine, my first trip to a health food store!

Another first, I went to the appointment as April! Nervous, yep but also so very affirming. Doctor made a note to have staff call me April next time instead of my male alias. Yes, just like the above photo, no wig, rather uncertain looking natural hair and all.

I am still pretty stressed about everything but I am in a far better place, I just have to make it last .

So what am I obsessing over this week. Well the planned September date for going full time rushes on like an approaching storm. Practical concerns like what and how to tell the neighbours is keeping me up at night. I wish I could just say I don't care what other people say but my transition also effects my wife and children in a million different ways.

More tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Feeling Like a Super Womble

I have been remiss in not updating my blog with the most recent developments.

I had become very depressed as a result of the uncertainty of my job and the coincidental inability to transition.

The prospect of going backwards and remaining "him" felt like a death sentence. I could not reconcile myself with starting over with a new employer to go through this all over again. This was my last chance to transition and I was losing it.

As the week wore on my attitude began to change. Instead of resigned despair a hint of resolve began to return. I would transition, I would even look for a new job as April if that is what it took. Such brave words...I know but they are true, I hope I have the guts to live up to them.

On Thursday I met up with an old friend and car buddy. We had know each other for over two decades. It cheered me up no end to catch up with him. I had decided now was the time to tell him.

I started by saying are you familiar with the terms, transgender or transsexual. He stops me and says, you know there is a difference.

This was going to be easier than I thought. He was very kind and we talked for hours. He did say he knew there was something different about me for all these years.

I feel much better today, after talking with my old friend I realized that my intense depression and despair was due to the fear that I would have to go back to being "him" for who knew how long (or worse forever), especially if I needed to find a new job. I know now that I CANNOT do that, it would either kill me or make me the worst most unpleasant person in the world to be around.

His acceptance and encouragement helped me realize I could not go back whatever happened. We talked to almost three in the morning. My heart felt so much lighter. The clouds of doom had begun to lift.

I even felt like going out again. I meet up with Ashley for a night at the Carrigan arms. It was pride day on our neck of the woods but they were rained out, which made for a crowded pub. Photos are with my natural hair and at 3:00 AM so no wonder I look that way. And no I do not have a tan, it seems to be an effect of the iphone's flash.

Busy Sunday, no news from our big client on Monday, the job still hung in the balance. Tuesday morning's mail brought good news, our biggest client paid. Our small company lives to fight another day. I still face an uphill battle to help make it profitable but now as April.

The plan is to go full time in September, I am excited and terrified.

Musically, now for something completely different. Super Womble by the Wombles.

My UK readers will likely be the only ones familiar with these guys.I went to a British boarding school from the mid seventies to early eighties so that explains my weird musical taste.

The Wombles were a family of unidentified critters who lived under Wimbledon Common and collected litter. A BBC kids show, they were so popular they had a string of hits records. It is supposed to be Chris Speeding on guitar! Great Chuck Berry like solo.

Hat tip to my Mom who sent me a story about the Wombles playing Glastonbury.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/glastonbury/8565442/Glastonbury-boss-angry-at-Wombles-invite.html

Hugs,

April

Two 1959 Classics

It has been a tough week and very emotional, but more of that tomorrow perhaps.

I must be feeling a bit better as I finally brought my 59 Caddy out into the sunshine after almost a year of hibernation in the bat cave (my garage). I have been lucky enough to own my dream car since I was 16….of course it was in pieces when we first met.

A freshly charged battery and some high test dribbled into the centre carburetor to prime it (she has the rare Q engine option otherwise known as, tri-power, three 2 barrel carbs). I am pleased to report she fired right up. After a quick check of vital fluids and tire pressures we were ready for a test drive around the block.

Later that day I took her for a late night drive along Lakeshore road with the top down. Sublime, the cool night air off the Lake Ontario, lights twinkling on the far shore and the 390 cubic inch big block purring, I could have driven all night.

The next day my friend Natasha dropped by and we took the Caddy for a spin. I picked up the children from school on Monday and after dinner we drove to a local cruise night. I swear the car has had more use in the last few days than all of last year.

I first fell in love with 1959 Cadillacs when I was at boarding school in the UK. Not long after I saw my first 59 Caddy I caught the 1966 film Funeral in Berlin and spotted well you can guess…

Bonus points for seeing the irony in Harry's embarrassment at explaining the contents of his sample case.

As a change from my usual rockabilly related selections here is The Little Sparrow from her 1959 appearance on the Ed Sullivan show. I just watched the bio pic La Vie En Rose, a great film that moves back and forth in time culminating in the performance of at the Paris Olympia in 1960. Such a terrible and sad childhood but what a voice.

Hugs,

April

Paint It Black

Beautiful summer has appeared as if by magic born of a record damp spring. But all I can see is a line of cars and they're all painted black"

I reached a nadir emotionally yesterday, my thoughts had turned increasingly dark as I could see only a lose, lose outcome from any possible future outcomes. Worried that my mood was dangerously bleak (I think you' all know what I mean) I stopped by to see my mother, I had a near breakdown but unburdening myself has not really helped.

"J" argues that I need pharmacological help. I am rather afraid of messing up my thinking anymore than it is already. I do know that things cannot go on like this as my depression is having a negative effect on those around me as well as my ability to function beyond work.

April

Yeah I know the photo is not of a black car but it is a 1959 Cadillac Superior hearse. Obvious choice but you can't go wrong with a classic, perhaps the most beautiful funeral car ever made.

A Cruel Twist of Fate

Oh but we are the playthings of fortune. I have been reluctant to update the blog as I have been down in the dumps. But dear reader you get me for better or worse.

It seems a cruel joke that having finally found a position that will accept me I am in danger of loosing my job. A major client has not paid and the company is in danger of running out of operating capital and hence my predicament.

I cannot bear the thought of looking for another job, who will hire me (a freak) , I will have to cut my hair (I cannot tell you how loath I am to contemplate this), postpone transition. Do I transition anyway, I fear my job prospects starting out as April will be next to nil.

Or just take the easy road of societal acceptance and remain male, anesthetize myself with cars and antidepressants

It is not to say that these things must come to pass but it is too close to call.

Why Aren't You Happy?

Ah the $64,000 dollar question. I should be happy I told my boss and I still have my job, there is technically nothing stopping me going full time tomorrow.

Except I promised "J" that I would wait till school is finished in five weeks or so. Not that I am planning to transition that soon anyway, September seems to be a more fortuitous month.

I was asked the question that is the title of this post earlier this evening by my wife. She is right my happiness at the great news has been muted, I have been quick to anger, overly emotional and perhaps a little depressed.

Nevertheless I have experienced a great deal of relief and have the energy to begin planning for my future again. But not happy.

It is fear I believe, fear that the road ahead will be even more difficult than the gruelling emotional journey that got me to this point.

Fear that doubt may be returning, I owe it to myself and others to be sure of my motivation. I hesitate to express these thoughts as I do not wish to be considered wanting. "see I told you "he" was not really transsexual". I want this blog to be as honest as I try to be with myself.

Do I have second thoughts, no I cannot go back to the way things were. I cannot live a managed male existence. I could try and maybe even succeed for a short while but there lies madness and self destruction.

Rather it is fear of future emotional, personal and financial pain that has dulled my joy.

It is the fear of a loss of anonymity. As a cis gendered male I wore a virtual invisibility cloak, I could pass through the sea of society without being noticed.

As a trans woman that anonymity vanishes and I put my true self on display for the world to see. There is no where to hide.

Up until recently when out as April I wore a wig, I looked nothing like my male self. I could have walked right by a friend or neighbour and they would be hard pressed to recognize me.

My natural hair is longer (not long enough yet) and I am once again self conscious about going out. I can no longer hide behind that disguise. I am forced to share myself with the world. Now that is scary.

Hugs,

April

Dog Catches Car

Like the proverbial dog who finally catches the car they have been chasing…now what do I do?

It has been a somewhat surreal day, yesterday I told my boss. It went well, in fact better than I could ever possibly imagine. The momentous event, the last major hurdle to going full time, the one thing I had been obsessing over and dreading for months now.

Today was spent driving around the furthest reaches of the city in the sudden summer heat attending meetings. Total guy drag, grey suit and fresh white shirt. One business acquaintance who I had not seen since last year remarked on how did I grow so much hair. Tired from yesterday by the time I made it home late this afternoon I felt as if I was going to collapse.

It is now late Friday night/Saturday morning but I have recovered enough to jot down my thoughts.

We had a company meeting yesterday and the tension of the past few weeks had lifted with some good business news about one of our largest clients. I had been working hard to generate my own positive news for the company but this struck me as the perfect opportunity to speak with him now that the pressure was off and the "problem" at hand could have his undivided attention.

I asked to speak with him privately that evening, no he said lets talk now, there was no way I was going to bare my soul in the middle of a parking lot. I told him I would call after dinner to arrange a place and time and no it was not about money or me quitting. No doubt he was still freaked out, what was wrong was I sick, family member sick, going to die?

After dinner I call, he wants to talk over the phone, again I insist I must see him in person. Earlier in the day I had prepared a file with an article on transsexualism, my camh letter and some photos. So where to meet, neutral ground was important, I blurted out the name of a local watering hole as it was the first thing to come to mind. A few minutes later I raced down the highway I wanted to get there first to snag a quiet booth, I pulled off the highway and there he was ahead of me on the overpass.

The bar was packed but the crowd worked to my advantage as it was so noisy with folks watching the hockey game (don't ask me who was playing) we could have a relatively private conversation without anyone listening in.

I asked first if he had any idea why I wanted to speak with him, no, he wasn't going to make it easy on me. I asked him to read my camh letter, at one point he looked up from the letter and I could not read his reaction. I tensed up my nerves already wound tight and my heart in overdrive. He asked for explanations of gender dysphoria and SRS.

I would not have told him or even joined the company had I not had a feeling he would be supportive. We have known each other for almost a decade now but still when it comes to this of all things, the reaction of our friends and loved ones can sometimes be very difficult to predict and so often we imagine only the worse possible outcomes.

To his ever lasting credit he basically said it was no big deal, that we can deal with it and that he was there to support me. He reiterated that ones health, family and work were what was most important and in that order. So after some discussion of my history, the mechanics of transition and my intention to go full time this year it turned into a regular business meeting where we discussed new developments and how to move the company forward.

A great outcome and all it cost me was the bar tab for all those martinis ;)

I am confident I can do my job and do it better as April.

I am finally free to consider the practical realities of going full time. It all hasn't quite sunk in yet. I know there are further challenges ahead but I feel as if an immense weight has been lifted and once again I can contemplate the future with some hope.

Hugs,

April