Heart of Ashes….or how I was dumped on Halloween. I went on a date last Friday and it only ended a week later. A whirlwind romance that gave me my first taste of real happiness.

a happier time

Heart of Ashes….or how I was dumped on Halloween

I went on a date last Friday and it only ended a week later. A whirl wind romance that gave me my first taste of real happiness. 

A doctor who drove a Corvette, liked some of same music, someone I had so much in common with, we clicked from the minute we met.

The emotional and physical closeness was intoxicating. Like a junkie on heroin I couldn’t get enough after my first fix.

Normally I am a glass half empty kinda gal who moves carefully I followed their lead and flew too close to the sun. We tried to spend every minute we could together, then on Halloween night it was over, I still don’t fully understand the reasons, I guess it doesn’t matter why just that it is over and it wasn’t my decision.

I cannot describe the hurt, I had only recently dug my way painfully out of depression and now I find myself in an even lower level of hell. The day before I remember being in my car and thinking that all the pain of the last few months and years was worth it since I finally found true happiness.

I was stupid happy like my BFF Cass says, they even accepted my past history with empathy. I was bursting with joy, I drove too fast and played the much too loud, not with my usual death wish but out of sheer unadulterated happiness.

Instead it was snatched away the next day. I wish I had never known what it feels like to be happy as now I will crave it like a drug. I am going through terrible withdrawal pains. I have howled and cried and cursed God at the unfairness of it all.

My friends say I am strong and that I am a fighter but I have taken a serious blow and I don’t know if I can get up again. 

One of my favorite sad songs.... 

 

the four pumpkins of the apocalypse, i carved for the children

my Corvette Stingray inspired pumpkin

RED HOT (or perhaps just wildly warm)

 Red dress, date night....

Brian Setzer doing the classic Billy Lee Riley tune, My Gal Is Red Hot....

Plastic Phantastic, In which I refer to my Corvette not any surgeries I may have had ;)

We are having a summer after all, a spate of beautiful early fall days that have been hot and sunny. Yesterday I had some errands to run and it seemed too good a day not to take out the Corvette.

Like me she is somewhat “customized”. She has a SharkBite coil over conversion so corners well but rides rough on city streets. On a smooth highway it feels awesome.

Being of English extraction I am not given to emotional outburts but heading home after visiting my friend Tasha, who took the photos BTW I pulled onto the QEW and rocketed into the fast lane, T roofs off and the radio blasting rockabilly….I couldn’t resist and let out yell of pure joy.   

 

The adrenalin rush was intense, once home and the small block cooling off in the driveway I was bouncing around the house like Tigger on speed. 

Where is My Rainbow Coloured Flying Skittle Pooping Unicorn? Ok apologises are necessary for my absence. It seems as if it is a truism that once someone has had surgery that their transition blog dies a slow death.

 

I totally understand why, one is now a woman in full and the soul searching is over, stealth and normal life is what is important.

Well my life is still far from normal and I still have some things to say, nor do I wish to say goodbye to all my friends on this site.

The last month has been one of the most stressful of my life. I moved the last of my possessions from my old home (throwing away many many car parts I collected over the years). Moving is always difficult but it was closing a fifteen year chapter in my life that took the real emotional toll.

Going through a life times memories stretching back to my school days in England, to marriage and children made it seem more like cleaning up after the death of a loved one. And in some ways I guess it was.

The last month also saw the end or rather transformation of a relationship with a close friend. I was more devastated than I could have previously imagined.

My relationship with my ex also hit an all time low, just going back to my old home made me feel sick.

Music, cars, history anything I felt passionate about felt grey and lifeless.

These events conspired to push me back into the darkest depths of depression, it was all I could do to get up and go to work, blogging was a bridge too far. Despite the cost I sought professional help from my therapist and doctor.

A big shout out to Cassidy for listening, responding to my texts and just being there for me.

I wish I could say that all that pain is behind me now and that I am moving forward on the back of a rainbow coloured flying unicorn that poops skittles. It feels more like climbing Mt. Everest but at least I am moving up!

I have more to say about dating and relationships but that will be for later in the week.

Hugs,

April

Big Hunk of Love...always one of my favourite Elvis songs, here is an incendiary cover by the Jim Jones Revue

   

 

Not Worthy....Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over. My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and screaming to therapy.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over.

My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.

If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.

My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.

Lets me see what I can remember,

First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.

The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.

Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.

I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.

I believed I was not worthy of anyone loving me.

I feared I was expendable and I would loose the little security I had regained in my life.

I was scared and powerless.

No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.

I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.

This is a first step.

Nothing profound in my musical choice just the Beach Boys pounding out Dance Dance Dance
.....they look like they are really having fun....joyous
 

Smile Smile Smile....Dispatches from the dating front....men are pigs and only want one thing! Wow April news flash! OK I am being unfair I have met maybe one or two true gentlemen.

 

Dispatches from the dating front....men are pigs and only want one thing!  Wow April news flash! OK I am being unfair I have met maybe one or two true gentlemen.


Greetings from the office over the stairs....really my office used to be a closet....insert joke here...

I am still battling periods of depression as super blogger Cass will attest, as she, poor girl, is usually on the receiving end of my sad ass text messages.

I had my middle daughter over the other day , we had pizza and watched Toy Story 3, now that is a tough film not to cry over.  

It has been an up and down existence emotionally the last month as sad April battles positive April for supremacy. It sucks being depressed, everything I love loses its luster, from cars to music, even food tastes like sawdust.  Good news is I dropped below my target weight LOL.

I won't sugar coat this for anyone reading this blog near the beginning of their journey. Transition is worth the blood and tears but you better be strong.  

I am posting this as I am on a upswing (I could be back in the depths of hell by this evening). I have come dangerously close to giving into despair but hope is a terrible and powerful thing that keeps me moving forward in this uncertain and scary world.

The Ravonettes have a great new-ish "surf" inspired album but I am trying to listen to only positive upbeat tunes. So I will save that review for later.

My favorite pop punk band the Dollyrots have an amazing acoustic album out called Love Songs, Werewolves and Zombies. You cant help but to play it loud and dance around the room. The song Smile Smile Smile seemed to speak to the trans condition....

you can buy it here:

 http://thedollyrots.bandcamp.com/album/love-songs-werewolves-zombies-a-dollyrots-acoustic-album

HOW TO FIX A BROKEN HEART....DATING. I am still hurt and angry and prone to fits of crying but a little of the old determination and courage that got me through transition is creeping back. I had not dated since the divorce as I was scared

bitches be crazy!

I had not dated since the divorce as I was scared and I didn't want to upset my friend from the last post.

I joined a dating site and have been inundated with responses.....yeah I'm bragging.....but its more to do with my profile drafting skills. I have a degree in marketing and I am a writer, I know how to sell the sizzle...

Yes I always wanted to work on Madison Avenue.

It is hard to find the time to do the typical coffee date but I have managed to squeeze a few into a busy schedule.

Some good none bad, there were two where we had nothing in common whatsoever, those were more humerous than anything else. Others involved great conversations that neither of us wanted to end.

But I can tell you have questions, dear constant reader.  Let me second guess you.

Passing?


As no one has called me on it I am passing with all comers both in person and on the phone.

Telling?

Do I tell. NO not at this point. I am a woman and I don't owe anyone my life history until I am damn good and ready and things are moving towards a relationship.

So early days yet and I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I am sure it won't be easy.  

Here is the stunning Sylvie Vartan on Hullabaloo from 1965, the guy is cute too: