Baby Ride Easy

I know I say this all the time but what a busy weekend. All the usual stuff with addition of putting one of the fleet into dry dock. End of day yesterday my wife and I drove into the deepest depths of rural Ontario to place the 1972 Lincoln Continental Mark IV into winter storage.

Sure there is still room in the driveway (it will hold four of Detroit’s most insolent chariots) but moving them all each time you need to shovel the driveway is a real bother. Last year was quite mild and I could count on one hand the days I had to shovel. This year I don’t think we can count on being so blessed by Mother Nature.

The 72 Mark IV is a summer only car so she gets to spend the winter hibernating like the Corvette which is at my mom’s garage (thanks mom!). The Mark had only recently received a new rebuilt carburetor but ran well on the hour plus journey to the middle of nowhere.

It was quite a journey and rather uncertain without the benefit of a GPS device. At one point we turned down a little a dirt road which was shrouded by a canopy of leafless trees. The sun was a great orange ball just dipping below the horizon. We both had the same thought that the scene looked like something out of a fairy tale. At any moment one was expecting a dragon to emerge from the darkening woods.

The 72 is now tucked away in an insolated barn for the winter, I hope she has pleasant dreams until we collect her in the spring.

The busy weekend meant no time out as April resulting in only sporadic bitchiness on my part. I did make up for it partially, by getting myself cleaned up and curling up on the coach in a nightgown and robe to watch the second episode of the Walking Dead. I love zombie movies but do admit to finding this series almost too intense to watch.

http://www.amctv.com/originals/The-Walking-Dead/

My natural hair is getting a bit long and I am not sure about getting it cut as I am loath to go back to my old male hairstyle. Starting to look a little like Dave Edmunds in the seventies! Now that is a good segue, here is Dave and his fine mane of hair with the beautiful Carlene Carter dueting on Baby Ride Easy. It seems they are on the set of a British kids show:

In Dreams

Normally I don’t put much store in dreams and besides I am usually too exhausted to dream much at all. The other night I had a remarkably real (hyper realistic?) dream where I was in a job interview. I know other people’s dreams can be boring so I will try and keep it brief.

I sat across from the female interviewer separated by a desk in a modern open plan office environment. I was not dressed as April but as “him” in a conservative suit and tie. The interview was going very well and I remember thinking that this seemed like a great place to work. It was only then that I gazed down at my feet, no shoes! And OMG lavender painted toe nails. I looked up and the interviewer was looking down at my feet as well. I felt myself simultaneously pale and go red with embarrassment.

We looked up at the same time and as our eyes met she gave me a conspiratorial wink then said, “The boss is a bit old fashioned but you shouldn’t have any problem as April”.
It seemed I got the job. On waking I was rather disappointed it was all a dream.

Obviously wish fulfillment, as the one thing standing in my way is a job I can transition at. The universe and I better conspire to make this dream a reality.

Hugs,

April

The Shadow Knows

As I mentioned yesterday I did make it out on the weekend but it was a close thing. No I am not talking about my emotional breakdown; I almost cancelled as I was not happy with the way I looked.

I have been undergoing laser hair removal on my face since the spring and I believe I just had my fifth appointment. I paid in advance for six treatments and as many follow up sessions as it takes to get rid of all black hairs. Funded through the sale of some car parts and articles I wrote. There are some white ones too but the less said about those the better.

About two months ago I was able to get away with just foundation, no Dermablend, just like a real woman. However some dormant hairs came through and it was back to the heavy makeup to hide any shadow. During the latest session last Thursday they set the phasers to kill and though I applaud the take no prisoners approach all those dead hairs simply lay on the surface and don’t fall out for about two weeks.

On the Saturday a close shave still left me looking like Richard Nixon and even Dermablend seemed to do little to hide the dreaded shadow. I know it is a temporary thing but it plays havoc with my self confidence. I continued to get dressed and though happy with my outfit I was really torn about going out.

Wife and children gave thumbs up to the sweater dress and boots (it is getting cold here) but my irrepressible middle child said I need a shave. I could have died.

If I hadn’t promised to meet Marissa I think I would have stayed home. Yesterday and today’s photo is from Saturday. If you think I am going to show you the ones I think you can see a shadow in you are gravely mistaken. Such is the vanity of the transgendered.

I don’t think I looked too bad and I did enjoy my time out. But I am not venturing out in public again until the latest lasered crop fall out and my face is clearer. This weekend? Next weekend?

Hugs,

April

19th Nervous Breakdown

Saturday always goes by in a blur, children’s activities, shopping, chores inside and outside the house. Extra work last weekend as it was Halloween and pumpkins had to be carved. Nothing like having your arm deep in pumpkin guts to get in the spirit of things….maybe its good for the skin. I carved three in record time. Not a bad showing this season, if I say so myself.

I admit I was disappointed about not getting out for Halloween as April. I had a last minute invite to a costume party but circumstances meant I could not attend.

The plan Saturday evening was to see my friend Marissa for coffee. The hours ticked by but I hadn’t had a chance to get ready or even pick out an outfit. No one could decide on what they wanted for dinner and everyone seemed out of sorts. Perhaps it was the changing weather but tempers flared and my wife and I argued.

I fell apart; I retreated to the bedroom and sobbed, a full breakdown. Overwhelmed with frustration and despair.

It is hard to recapture the intensity of the emotions; in fact it seems rather silly now. In reality I have much to be thankful for. My wife came in and was very supportive recognizing the stress I am under and the frustration of not living as who I am. She encouraged me to get ready and go out, which after dinner I did.

Apologies for being AWOL, on location filming yesterday and filming on set again today, two interviews.

To all those reading south of the border, no not Mexico, south of our border, yes in the USA get out and vote…let the Force guide you.

Oh yeah one more thing I have a cold, not the full blown Captain Trips but I do feel like one of the walking dead right now.

Once again the Rolling Stones…

More Notes From Suburbia

Halloween is only days away and the children were allowed to wear their costumes to school. My wife delivered the princess and the Hogwarts student I drove the vampire in the Mark IV. It was heart warming, they were so excited, it was great to see children just happy being children. I pity the teachers though I am sure no work will get done today.

I am a little put out as I don’t get to dress up. I thought about taking the children trick or treating in a female costume (Morticia Addams perhaps) but we discussed it and my wife didn’t think it was a good idea. The neighbors will eventually know about me and she didn’t want them to think it was all a game.

The ironic thing is that for the first time in my life I am invited to a costume party. An excuse to dress up! Do you know how long the old me was waiting for just such an opportunity! But will have to pass for the same reason given above.

I don’t even know if I will get out this weekend and on this our tribes most important holiday.

Grease under my nails again as I spent an hour last night working on the vacuum operated light doors on the 76 Lincoln Mark IV. I think I finally found the leaking vacuum hose that was causing a terrible hissing noise when the lights were on. Sounded like a displeased cat trapped somewhere under the cavernous hood (bonnet to you British readers).

Bad news is that a brake line ruptured. The Mark has four wheel disk brakes with normally excellent stopping power. Have to get to my mechanic at lunch to have repaired….I can’t do everything you know.

Enough bitching, I am extremely blessed with great children, an understanding wife and some seriously cool parents. I hope you read the posts “Thanks Mom” and “Telling Dad”. The statistical probability of having two supportive parents makes me want to run out and by a lottery ticket. My heart is so much lighter having told them and in turn their acceptance of me….April.

Hugs

PS. Halloween themed pictures are works by Shag, (a favorite artist of mine) commemorating the 40th anniversary of Disney’s Haunted Mansion, which also happens to be my favorite Disney ride.

http://www.shag.com/

Thanks Mom

I have been blogging for a little while now and although my mom knew she had not read it. She does know about me.

She had recently bought a lap top and is busy discovering the internet in earnest. So I took a chance and emailed her the link to my blog.

The other day at work I received a reply, with trepidation I read it then began to cry.

I hope she does not mind but here is part of the message:

"I cannot imagine how much turmoil you must have been in, and still are, but giving voice, however one does it, is so important … I struggled along with your anger and frustration in one blog and wished I could have helped, so have cried and empathized along with you, as well as admiring the photos. I would be proud to introduce you as my daughter".

I will treasure these words forever.

Thanks Mom

Hugs,

April

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder

Please don’t expect any deep thoughts today, just an excuse to post some recent pictures.

I didn’t mention I also made it out for coffee on Sunday with Natasha. Too bad we were both so tired that we had to limit our chat to just under an hour. Another black outfit and no I was never a Goth. Actually I don’t know if Goths existed when I was a teenager, punks yes.

I don’t know if I am becoming more confident or just don’t care. No one in the coffee shop seemed to stare at us or pay us any undue attention. That is all any of us want just to be another woman free to live her life.

Finally installed the new carb on the 72 Mark IV, just in time for her to go into storage. It looked so beautiful it was almost a shame to bolt it on…almost. See girls can appreciate mechanical perfection too.

That under hood shot represents 920 combined cubic inches. Still waiting for my thank you note from OPEC.

The 76 Mark IV is being its usual maddening self, lots of minor glitches but always ready to do battle on the morning commute. I really need a new “old” shaft style radio. I replaced the original unit with a cheap cassette deck I had squirreled away years ago for my late lamented 70 Riviera GS. The cassette allows me to play the iPod but the FM reception is very poor and sometimes you just want to listen to the news.

Don’t get me started on fuel consumption, single digit, I need to give her a tune up this weekend which I am sure will improve performance and economy.

On the open road portion of my morning journey with the cruise control on it is heaven.

Hugs,

April

Confessions of a Night Hawk

Being tired is not pretty.

I have always been a night hawk; even if I don’t have anything to do I will end up staying up late. The late late late show kind of late.

Of course having children means that if you want to do anything be it paper work, exercise or trying to find out why the climate control system of your vintage seventies luxury car only blows hot air…the hours of darkness are your only option.

For years I have gotten by on three to four hours sleep. The idea that other mortals slept eight or more seemed completely alien me.

Time for a change, I am making a conscious effort to organize my time better, get more done and to paradoxically try to get to bed earlier. Age or perhaps the effect of the hormones is making burning the candle at both ends an increasingly difficult task.

In the meantime there is always Starbucks and music to fuel the sleep deprived mind. Speaking of which here is a faster live version of the Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.

PS. Watch closely and you will see a car just like mine!



Hugs,

April

Better than Red Bull

After a bit of a dry spell I was able to get out on Saturday evening. Natasha, Ashley and I went into the big city where there are venues that cater to a more cosmopolitan crowd. Not exactly my cup of tea and certainly not my kind of music. However, when in Rome…

I was able to inflict my choice of music on the girls in the car as I was the designated driver. We took my wife’s Chrysler Town & Country as it has the room and is easier to park and far more inconspicuous than a vintage Lincoln Mark IV.

I was very happy to be out as April and despite a late night I was so fully of energy the next day I didn’t feel tired at all. Raked leaves, washed cars, cleaned the gutters and other assorted tasks and chores. Now if going full time gives me that sort of boost every day I will be unstoppable.

These were my two favorite pictures, black sweater dress, black tights and two inch heels, left the four inch heels in the car.

Hugs,

April

Like Riding a Bike

I find that when I have not gone out for a couple of weeks (only two in this case) my confidence takes a real beating. I start to worry if I can possibly pass, can I put together an outfit that looks good? I almost want the outing to be cancelled, I worry and get all stressed out. I stop feeling like a woman and start feeling like an awkward guy again.

Right now it is a lot of work to go out. Make up, nails, shaving, carefully choosing an outfit beforehand. Also having young children means I cannot simply head out the door anytime I want. All outings have to be planned like a military operation and like as not I end up running late.

When I have gone out and I am happy with my presentation I feel like I can conquer the world in heels and that I am more than ready to go full time. I am bursting with happiness and confidence. The next time will be even easier…just like riding a bike.

Why did I include the above image, well I just love her smile, the model and the Cadillac Eldorado. I have one, the Eldorado silly. Such an imposing grill but friendly, almost like she is smiling at you.

Hugs,

April

Cars & Girls

I was never self conscious about my choice of car before but as April I have had the odd twinge of reluctance to be seen behind the wheels of some of my cars.

First of all they are all unique and I could be possibly outing myself to be seen en femme in any of them. Even on this blog I am wary to mention exactly what year car I am currently obsessing over as an errant Google search could quickly lead back to my male persona. So no photos or discussion of the Caddy or Stutz until I am out!

I have most frequently used my Corvette or Oldsmobile Toronado as C3 Corvettes are a common sight in the summer and the Toronado although quite rare seems to have a stealth quality about that rivals a Klingon warbird.

If I was truly paranoid I would stick to the late model Chrysler Town & Country minivan that is the primary family transport.

The Lincoln Continentals are great cars and I have even driven the 72 to an LGBT event (it made for quite an entrance) but the 76 gives me pause. Not because it is unreliable or too unique (it is dropped and riding on 20s) but because it is in desperate need of paint….basically she is looking a bit too ghetto for my taste. As a guy I was not too self conscious about her appearance, it gave the Mark a rat rod mystique and alerted other car fans this was a work in process and I did the work.

Not the message I wanted to send as April, I found myself at the gas station recently admiring a pretty grey and silver 79 Cadillac Seville. A perfect April car I caught myself saying or maybe a nice Jaguar XJS convertible might be a good choice…

For a car “guy” who prided “himself” on being an iconoclast and driving whatever “he” thought cool this was heresy. I am still far from confident as my female self and anything out of the ordinary or not typically feminine is something I try to avoid, like pulling up to Payless Shoes in a lowrider.

I know that I love cars whatever my gender and I have no intention of abandoning that part of myself when I transition. The intensity of that affair may diminish somewhat but I could no more deny that part of myself as I could go back into the closest so to speak.

Somewhere in here is a lesson about being true to oneself also I need to spruce up the Mark IV so it is mall ready. Did you know her metallic jade green almost matches my favorite MAC eye shadow?

Hugs

April

I Can’t F..king Take This S..t Anymore

The first thought that popped into my mind as I felt tears well up in my eyes. You would think something terrible happened. Actually nothing of the sort, simply that I was unable to go out last night.

It is not the going out part it is the ability to present fully as April. To be myself, to be who I long to be all the time. My much-anticipated end of the week reward, coffee with one or two girlfriends was cancelled.

A minor inconvenience to be sure but it had an emotional impact out of all proportion. I was very upset and angry at the same time. Not angry with anyone in particular but with the situation, with my inability to transition now!

I have played out this scenario too many times. I needed to tell someone why I felt this way and to take ownership of the anger and sadness. I wanted to yell that I was fed up with living 99% of my life as male when I am not one. I could no longer take my life as April doled out in tiny pieces.

Angry that I had worked hard all week and all weekend, that I deserved this! Was two or three hours as myself too much to ask the frakkin' universe? The emotional turmoil was a quick trip back into depression, a destination I had successfully avoided for a few weeks.

After a long sulk, I cooled down a bit, watched the season finale of Mad Men, and then went for a walk in the still autumn air. I like walking at night, so quiet though one does have to keep an eye out for skunks.

I used my walk to seek some reflection; the severity of my reaction should not have come as a surprise. The opportunity to go out serves to release the pressure of gender dysphoria. I find that even a brief sojourn as April has a beneficial effect that can last for days.

I wish I could say that this incident was a catalyst for immediate change, that I would go full time; unfortunately my job gets in the way. What to do, go back to being a guy…impossible. I know I cannot keep living as male nor can I exist in this in between state for much longer. The best I can do is to use this to spur me on to make my transition a reality.

Thanks for reading.

Hugs,

April

Hidden History

As a historian at heart or just a history geek, it was my undergrad degree after all; I am always looking for the background of things. The history of the cars I drive, the places I visit. Even in relatively young North America there is a wealth of fascinating history all around us laying just under the surface of everyday life.

Prior to the internet age being Trans generally meant a life in isolation. Just as the net has allowed us to discover each other and to find out we are not alone it is also bringing to light the history of our “tribe”.

I never fail to be amazed by those women and men who have had the courage and determination to transition in the past. It is damn hard now; I can hardly imagine the strength it took to be themselves in the fifties, sixties, seventies, even eighties.

Growing up I would scour every library I came across to learn more about my “condition”. There was such a dearth of material, a book here or there like scraps from some forgotten civilization. The lack of information mirrored my own life, a hidden history, which I dared not share with anyone.

I have talked about Roberta Cowell and April Ashley in the past and recommend you read their autobiographies.

http://www.changelingaspects.com/Life%20Stories/RobertaCowell/Roberta%20Cowell%20Story.pdf

http://www.antijen.org/Aprilv1/

I am most indebted to Elizabeth at Notes From the T Side for telling her story and for bring Harry Benjamin’s seminal work The Transsexual Phenomenon to a wider audience. Here are the links:

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

http://www.transgenderzone.com/downloads/ttphenom.pdf

Reading Harry’s book it is amazing to see both how much has changed and how little. Now there are understanding doctors and therapists, surgery is available across the continent and we no longer fear arrest and prosecution. However, the case histories mentioned shows that the heartbreak and joy are still the same.

Hugs,

April

Lookin’ for Trouble

No nothing is wrong; it is just that I promised I would post a link to Amanda Lear’s first single a cover of Elvis’ Trouble from the 1958 movie King Creole. Amanda’s version is “sung” in French, hence the title of her 1976 début single, La Bagarre.

Having fun driving the 2011 Mustang with the new 5.0 mill, on the way into work caught the sixties punk classics I Fought the Law by the Bobby Fuller Four and Dirty Robber by the Wailers. That has got to the closest I will get to experiencing what it would be like to purchase a new muscle car back in the day.

Very rainy couple of days here so thank goodness for the Mustang’s traction control, otherwise with all that power anything other than dry tarmac would really mean trouble.

Crazy morning making five lunches, then spouse and I herding everyone out the door, sometimes it feels that I have had a full day by the time I get to work. I am sure she does too.

Worked a little on the Mark IV in the rain, concerned about the custom four core rad I installed a number of years ago. Some of the delicate copper cooling fins had corroded, did a quick test this morning and looked ok but I will have to keep my eye on the coolant level. The big rad was necessary to keep the modified 460 V8 cool, despite a hood the size of an aircraft carrier there is not much room…its all taken up by engine.

Just in case you think you have stumbled on a car repair blog, a few Trans thoughts. I feel that there has been another subtle shift towards the feminine over the last week or two. Being April even when not presenting as such seems more natural, my thoughts and desires are as a woman. However, it is a tenuous thread, if I think too much about it that wonderful feeling of being her evaporates. I remain as impatient as ever to feel that way all the time.

Hugs,

April

Sleep Deprivation, Mustangs and a Must Read

Another wasted evening, I had plans to exercise, work on cars and finish the draft of an article for publication. I am sure other parents of young children can appreciate. After a relatively productive day at work I made it home for dinner (I was running late). By the time dishes were done, children readied for bed I was starting to crash. Mid way through the seven year olds bedtime story I started to mumble incoherently about contracts and blocking charts.

Once their lights were out I laid down (just for minute mind you) next thing I know I awoke with at start at midnight. I still had a disk to drop off! Hopped in the new 2011 Mustang GT (on loan…I am not made of money) to run my errand.

Nothing like 412 hp to wake you up! A CD of obscure soul and rockabilly added to the experience. You could get into so much trouble in this car and it is a good deal for the amount of performance under your heel(s).

Recharged slightly I decided to check e-mail and look up the stats on my blog…instead of doing something useful.

I took the opportunity of revisiting Elizabeth’s blog. I had a look earlier had had not been sure what to make of her story, reading from the beginning really opened my eyes. I know she must have more readers than me but I have to highly recommend (GO NOW) and read Notes from the T Side, an unassuming title but a riveting account of early transition not just in age but in era.

I am quite in awe of her and reading her amazing story does not make me regret my inability to transition earlier but fills me with hope for the future.

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

Two more photos from my weekend outing. Dorothy Parker said, “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." But I think ok in this one at least.

Hugs,

April

PS. To feel better I got up early this morning and did some work on the Mark IV’s washer system. Ford put the washer pump motor in the reservoir, it cracks washer fluid shorts out the motor…a little April re-engineering is in order.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving comes early in Canada. The big dinner with extended family was spent at my brother in laws. They of course don’t know yet, I expect they will by this time next year….perhaps even sooner than that.

I have used this blog as a form of catharsis that a private written diary could not provide and I have done my fair share of bitching.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for, a supportive spouse, loving children, a job, a home, parents who know and still love me.

Being Trans in no picnic and we naturally tend to focus on the stones in our pathway, the pain and the hurt.

Sometimes we need to remember what we have and not what we have lost or fear the loss of.

So big thanks to my family and to those of you have taken the time to read my mad ramblings, leave comments or send e-mails.

You are all in my prayers.

Big hugs,

April

PS. I did get out on the weekend for coffee with Marissa, I felt I did a good job on my makeup and I had a great time and was totally unselfconscious.

Miss Amanda Jones

Friday, amazingly it came around again. Long weekend and turkey day approaches here in the land of ice and snow or as my old history teacher at boarding school in the UK used to say…the colonies.

I am really looking forward to getting out with my girl friends after last week’s curtailed outing. Have to squeeze my girl time in between family outings on Saturday and Monday. Don’t forget a little car restoration, lawn care etc etc…

As Wed night was barren, Thursday evening was fruitful with work on rebuilding (re-engineering) the Lincoln’s Autolamp system, automatic dimmer using a photo electric eye, headlight delay and twilight on/off. NOS ones cost almost $400 if you can find one.

Even made it out for some exercise.

How about some more Amanda, think that would make a good middle name for me?
Ms. Lear has had an amazing life and career, from Le Carrousel in Paris to international disco queen, TV personality, artist etc. She also found the time to date a number of rock n’ rollers including the ill starred Brian Jones. In fact the Rolling Stones even recorded a song about her on the 1967 Between the Buttons album. The track has a definite Chuck Berry feel with Keith Richard’s trademark guitar sound. Miss Amanda Jones can be heard at the link below:




Down and down she goes, Amanda Jones
I said down and down and down and down
She'd look really lovely at home
Till somebody's going to come up and ask her
To live happily ever after
Miss Amanda Jones

On and on she goes, little Miss Amanda Jones
I said on and on and on and on
Just watch her as she grow
Don't want to say it very obviously
But she's losing her nobility
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, don't you realize the money invested in you?
Hey girl, you've just got to find someone who'll really pull your family through
Up and up she goes, Amanda Jones

I said up and up and up and up
She looks quite delightfully stoned
She's the darling of the discotheque crowd
Of her lineage she's rightfully proud
Miss Amanda Jones

Hey girl, with your nonsense nose pointing right down to the floor
Hey girl, your suspender shows and the girl behind you looks a bit unsure
Round and round she goes, the world of Amanda Jones
I said round and round and round and round
The balls and the dinners and shows
The little girl she just wanders about
Till it's time for her coming out
Miss Amanda Jones
Round and round and round

Hugs,

April

More Notes From Suburbia…a continuing series

This girl clearly cannot handle her booze. I had a full evening planned work on cars and work on the computer….so what did I get accomplished nothing. I fell asleep and even slept in this morning. The half glass of wine I had with dinner was not a good idea….

Parent/teacher night at school, late dinner, homework with the children, bed time….I am beat. By the time they are off to school in the morning I feel as if I have put in a full day even before I have made it to work. Any GG’s reading will no doubt say welcome to womanhood that’s what being a mom is all about.

As I have said before, family and work responsibilities leave little time for anything other than sleep. In my misspent youth I was able to burn the candle at both ends and work in the garage late into the night.

It so frustrating , I need to make the time for all the issues surrounding transition but by the end of the day I am exhausted, not sure if it is just my schedule or a by product of the HRT. I am not giving up, I will just have to be more creative and keep myself motivated.

I had a terrible time remaining focused at work the last few months, things are a little better. I am not sure if it is more immediate deadlines or I am finally getting my mind back on track.

Construction has forced me to take a new route to work, after six years of taking the very same roads it feels really odd….I know you are saving wow can her life get any more exciting, can she take any more daring risks.

It is Thanksgiving weekend coming up here in the Dominion, we get a jump on our friends to the south. I love Turkey but of course have to watch what I eat. As of today my weight is exactly what Dr. O said it should be for surgery. I wish that was the only prerequisite for SRS and FFS.

My wife has been kind enough to call me April around the house more, a wonderful feeling when I hear my “real” name, like the sun breaking through a cloudy sky.

A little music to see you through to Friday, Blood & Honey by Amanda Lear. Despite her on and off again denials, Amanda is one of us. I get the impression she does not like to be reminded of that fact. As a woman since her surgery in the early sixties she has that right.

You can read more here:
http://zagria.blogspot.com/2008/07/amanda-lear-1939-performer.html

What Is Wrong With Me?

No I don’t mean being Trans, I am at peace with who I am and what I have to do to be myself.

By wrong I mean why am I not doing the things I need to do to make my female dreams a reality.

First and foremost I need a new job as I cannot transition where I am. True I am very busy in my current position, family responsibilities and cars but I have not made the time to search out that new job.

Am I afraid no one will want me?

Afraid I will end up in another job I cannot transition in and therefore right back to where I started?

Am I using my current position as a security blanket? The familiar status quo where I feel safe and more importantly “HE” feels safe. If “HE” keeps working there April will have to remain in the shadows and “HE” remains in control.

I need to finish the restoration on one of my collector cars, its sale would help pay for FSS and SRS. Am I afraid to finish and then sell as the car defines who I am as a man?

Putting off its completion as it helps him keep April in no man’s land.

Afraid that a new job and the funds for surgery will mean the end of my comfortable suburban family life and my safe and unquestioned existence as a man.

Wow, that is enough questions for now.

Hugs,

April

Right Woman for the Job?

OMG the shoes I could have bought for the same money! Just got the 76 Mark IV back ($$$) C6 trans was partially rebuilt with a new torque convertor, runs smoother now, more responsive and should be better on fuel. Spent a portion of last night laying in the rain reattaching an exhaust hanger. It is still raining here; I mean really I just cleaned the Lincoln’s rims again last night.

So I am thinking while laying in the rain, water dripping in my eyes as it runs down the side of the car….what the heck am I doing, really isn’t this a job for some guy. Don’t get me wrong I think women (actually everyone) should know how their car works and be able to sort out minor repairs and maintenance in a pinch.

It is just that I no longer want to play the bloke as Jenny might say, I hate getting grease under my nails and imbedded in my skin. I still like cars, scratch that LOVE cars I just want to drive them and wax them now and then. Also being a passenger is not so bad…just let me control the radio.

One point of concern post transition is will I not be able to engage in the occasional car repair if still want to. Will I be going too much against societal stereotypes? Will I have to keep my shameful hands on car restoration hidden behind garage doors?

Well I will cross the bridge when I come to it. Right now I am off to clean my nails.

Hugs,

April

Where Did My Weekend Go?

So busy on the weekend, cleaning, shopping, cooking (chocolate chip pancakes…yes I wore an apron), the children’s activities and sports, visiting family.

Don’t worry car stuff too, more disassembly of the Toronado’s sun roof mechanism. Results in a nut shell, leak is not the result of something broken or rusted but rather a design flaw. I am hoping that a new seal will cut down on any water getting past drain troughs. No time to install new carb on the Mark IV.

Sorting out Halloween costumes for the children, so far one Vampire and one princess and the oldest cannot decide between a black cat and Bellatrix from Harry Potter.

The weather is turning cold, walked the girls to school this morning and it was chilly. Sure in a few months these few degress above freezing will feel like a tropical heat wave. Sometimes I wonder why anyone lives above the 49th parallel. I give you all permission to go back to wearing pantyhose.

Planned to go out Sunday evening.....quickly selected an outfit did my nails and got ready. Had epilated the night before. Last minute cancellation meant I was all dressed up and no where to go. To late for the mall and would not even dream about going to a bar alone. Gave up went home and watched Mad Men with my, oh so patient wife and had tea and brownies.

I liked my makeup and outfit (black dress pants, silver top and a white sweater with a fur collar) but it just didn't come across in photos. Perhaps my coloring requires a darker choice of clothes? Also still getting some shadow, lots of hair gone with the laser sessions but dormant ones coming through, looking forward to getting rid of all of them!!!!

Didn't like any of my photos I just didn't feel feminine enough last night, was it the outfit or just the rush to get ready and then being disappointed. Makeup was ok and clothes nice but something was missing, especially compared to last week…. sometimes it is just how you feel.

My oldest daughter was very sweet this morning asking if she could help me pick out an outfit next week. That made up for a lot.

Hugs,

April

Impatience

I know that more time on hormones and more experience being out as a woman would be a good thing but I cannot help wanting to go full time NOW!

I would have gladly spoken with HR if I worked in a larger company that had a policy regarding such matters. Unfortunately I work in a predominantly male environment that if I were to come out as transgendered would mean the end of my career.

I need to change jobs, which still means time proving myself to my new employer before even thinking of transitioning on the job. Got to make myself invaluable first! More delays…

The façade is starting to crumble, if I don’t set myself even little transition goals or have some girl time to look forward to depression rushes in to fill the void.

Last night it reared its ugly head and I gladly let it wrap me in its suffocating blanket of self pity and hopelessness. Better this morning but still down and gender dysphoria was getting up to speed.

Morning commute, I glance over to the car on my right a blond is quickly fixing her make up in the rear view mirror, my heart catches and I am overwhelmed with envy and longing but not the kind she thinks when our eyes meet.

Felt a panic attack coming on the way to work but held it together and dried the tears by the time I pulled into the parking lot.

Just have to tell myself this is temporary…it does get better…

http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

Hugs,

April

Halloween & Brains

Fun stuff first, Halloween approaches, the cross dressers high holiday. Remarkably I never took advantage of this one occasion in western civilization where dressing as a woman is “acceptable”. Of course I was too worried that I would give away my secret.

Also I usually found myself travelling on Halloween and had no desire to pass through customs dressed as a French maid. This year is different I will be home to hand out candy or take the children trick or treating.

Perhaps this year a costume, nothing too outré… witch, Vampyra, Corpse Bride, Morticia Addams, or even a princess. Nothing showing too much leg, Bettie Page would be so cool but I wouldn’t want the neighbors to get the wrong idea….yet!

A post in two parts as I didn’t want to just talk about being down.

The big city meeting yesterday went well and it looks like our company will retain the client and continue to make money, not as much as this year but still pretty damn good for the industry and economy.

I have a love hate relationship with the city, I envy the excitement and crave the corner office but am repulsed by the disparity between the have and have nots. Such a suburbanite.

It is frustrating sometimes to work so hard at your job but then still have to SELL yourself and the product, sigh I have no problem with unfettered capitalism but sometimes I just want to go to work do my job and then go home.

Some opportunity for a transition job but it is very dependent on other people making things happen. Potential conflict of interest does not allow me to participate and that is maddening. Especially as I am the woman to make it all happen.

Yesterday had me so keyed up the inevitable physical and mental crash followed. Low level bickering my SO (really SO is unfair a term, so gender neutral. She is my wife however I don’t wish to acknowledge my male role as husband, granted a role that I have abdicated some time back).

Any disagreement with my biggest supporter is a quick off ramp to a depressive episode. Slept most of last evening instead of working on computer or cars. This morning found me weepy and full of gender dysphoria, short of temper and generally pissed at the world.

Listened to an interesting interview on the radio as I tried to bend the laws of space and time on my morning commute. Basically recent discoveries show that the brain is constantly evolving itself (neuroplasticity) and as such offers the possibility for all sorts of mental health cures. An example would be training the brain to correct the “mental misfire” that causes obsessive compulsive disorder. Perhaps depression can be equally switched off….I am trying.

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/natureofthings/

Hugs,

April

PS. Top photo is Vampyra (of Ed Wood fame), then the original Morticia, Carolyn Jones, she also played the bad girl in King Creole with Elvis and finally a safe for work picture of the beautiful Bettie Page.

Drab or Male Drag

Meeting in the city today, so this has to be a quickie. The city means a suit and tie. My job is usually casual dress but I used to work for a multinational and wore a suit everyday. I actually liked that, a suit being the closest men can come to any sartorial elegance.

I put on the dark blue pinstripe, crisp white shirt and blue and gold tie and stared at myself in the mirror. A somewhat unfamiliar person looked back, my longer hair was at odds with how I usually appeared when formally dressed, the suit did not seem to hang as well, I have lost weight.

There was also something about the eyes and the face, the woman inside was starting to shine through after five or so months on hormones. Wishful thinking, perhaps but I am sure I could perceive some subtle changes.

Male drag? I hope no one reads me?

Hugs,

April

CLICK

Things have begun to click into place, early on in this blog I wrote about a new feeling of confidence in my female self. I indentified this confidence as an important milestone in my transition.

The new confidence has allowed me to tell more people about the real me and most importantly to finally tell my father.

Just like that another mental piece of the puzzle has clicked into place. The new cog in the machine is the realization that I am really going to do it. The realization that in the not too distant future I will live full time as a woman that I will have surgery, that the way I experience the world and how people see me will change forever.

I have brief glimpses of that future once a week when I can get out for a precious few hours. Womanhood as seen through a scanner darkly, yes I am scared. I am afraid I don’t have the mental strength, the force of will to achieve my goals. I am afraid I will destroy what I value most in my current life.

But I keep moving forward; one foot after another…it is all we can do.

Transition is no longer a matter of if but of when. A lifetime’s unspoken desire realized, I can’t wait. I am excited, I tell myself that I can’t believe I am actually doing it and happiness courses through my body.

Hugs,

April

Baby You Can Drive My Car

Greetings, thanks for coming back, sorry I missed Friday I had a post all a ready to go but just ran out of time!

Friday was a big day, I was to see my therapist presenting as April 100%. Obviously I could not leave work dressed, well I could but it would have been my last day!

The session went well but I don’t think I was feeling completely myself (April that is) He kept intruding. I think I was nervous being seen by my therapist as April for the first time and as I just left work I was having trouble shaking off all my job worries and concerns.

Later I was able to go for coffee with a friend (still as April of course). I had the privilege of being a passenger in my own car. I let my male friend drive and open my door for me. I could get used to that, so happy I could purr, stretched out in the leather seat, heels and short skirt.

Pleased with my confidence as I was able to relax in a busy coffee shop, SO asked an interesting question, was I more at ease because I was with a man? Hmmm

Drove home in the Mark IV with the Black Angels on the stereo feeling like a pretty cool chick, no raising the power windows when pulling up to another car at the stoplight tonight. I did chicken out a bit on the way home. I had to desperately use the washroom; I drove into a Tim Horton’s but a plethora of teenagers made me change my mind. Instead I found a gas station/convenience store, don’t think the attendant clocked me. I gave him a nice smile and a thank you as I left.

I didn’t think I could get out on the weekend but my SO got home early and I was able to get ready at the last minute and make it too an LGBT dance at a local pub. I had a cute LBD I had been dying to wear. I did my nails bright red and wore my “Black Candy” heels. Even better I was able to meet my girlfriends, Natasha and Ashley there, it is unfortunately a rare occasion when all three of us can synch our schedules.

The place was really hopping (had to line up to get in!) and as we were the only Trans girls there we were the source of some attention and interest. I was totally self conscious at first but I eventually made it to the dance floor for some seriously retro disco tunes. Too bad I missed them playing the Ramones. Closed the place down leaving around 2:30 AM.

Sunday spent most of the day as April, cleaning, helping with school projects and making dinner.

Reluctantly remove my nail polish this morning in preparation for another work week. I am so looking forward to the day when a little red nail polish won’t be an issue…

Hugs,

April

PS. Here is what I have been listening to all weekend, Bloodhounds on My Trail by the Black Angels. Cooly hypnotic.

Jebus...That Thing is Long

No not what you think!

I took the children to school this morning. As I was backing out of the parking lot in my lowered 76 Lincoln Mark IV. One of the moms not realizing I had the windows down uttered the above quote and I just knew I had to use it for the title of today’s post.

I am not sure if her exclamation was spoken in amazement, horror or admiration. So what does this have to do with being Trans….not much actually. However, I often take the children to school and it is hard not to succumb to dysphoria as I admire all the moms, whether dressed for the office in skirts and heels or just casual jeans and a t shirt.

Still presenting as male I am effectively segregated from their conversation, I long to be one of the girls. I want to tell them that I am one of you but of course I cannot.

When I transition I will not leave and start anew, I have children and responsibilities. It is inevitable that most of the people you see me will know who I used to be. Will I be included when I take the children to school as April…it should make for some interesting conversation on the playground before the bell rings.

Sunny day must be improving my mood, also heard that some progress has been made on my Jaguar XJS wiring harness (it has a Chevy V8) so that is good news. The Corvette powered Jag strikes me as a real April kind of car….we all need a little under hood conversion right?

Last night I washed the Lincoln and sealed up a leaky gasket around the steering column that was letting in copious amounts of hot air from the custom built 460. Then finally able to shed horrid guy clothes for girl jeans bra and top to watch TV and fold laundry...my I lead an exciting life.

By the way Jebus…it’s a Simpson’s thing
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jebus

Hugs,

April

Am I A Woman?

My head starts to spin sometimes when I read transgendered theory, not just the scholarly works but also the insights of those of us so "afflicted”.

I used to go for long walks and debate endlessly in my mind whether I was really Trans or just fooling myself. I would return home physically and mentally exhausted.

I am past that stage now and am confident in my decision to transition. However, does that mean I was always a woman in the wrong body?

I can’t say that I always felt like a woman, really what benchmark would I use? I just knew that I was different and did not have the same ease amongst those of my own physical gender as did my contemporaries.

I had few if any male friends and preferred to hang out with the girls at university. I used to think that my lack of male bonding was due to the fact few guys shared my eclectic interests (no I am not talking about a love of shoes.)

So am I a woman, right now I don’t know. I wish I could answer in the affirmative but I feel trapped in a no man’s land between genders. I know I long to leave this purgatory and become the woman I am meant to be.

The process has started and I know I will make it

Hugs,

April

April’s Automotive MissAdventures (a continuing series)

Being thoroughly fed up with the Toronado’s leaky sun roof and stripped interior, I drove her home from work then parked her under cover for the rest of the week and will hopefully have some time to delve further into the mysteries of GM’s and ASC (American Sunroof Corp.) astroroof design.

My SO and a neighbor pushed the carburetor free 72 Mark IV out of the driveway so I could move the Corvette. The Vette was washed (it was of course dark by now) and driven over to my mothers for winter storage (thanks mom!). From mom’s I retrieved the 1976 Lincoln Mark IV which will hopefully serve daily driver duties until she goes into the shop for some tranny work…don’t get excited that means transmission.

The 76 Mark ran well though she is a pig on gas, single digits compared with the Toro’s 20mpg. A couple of idiosyncrasies to fix including a vacuum headlight switch that likes to fail on a regular basis. Her most glaring shortcoming is a terrible paint job that is beginning to chip and peel, no doubt to an earlier life spent outside in the hot Florida sun. If the Mark is to serve this winter the twenty inch rims will have to come off for the original 15’s.

Bottom line nice to have a car with an interior again!

Told Dad

I had lunch with my father on Friday and told him about how depressed I had been. My father called on Saturday and Sunday showing concern. I was working Sunday, filming at the race track. I told him that I would meet him at 10:00PM at his house.

I was not planning on telling him until much later in the transition process but I felt that I needed to tell him now and that the time was right, sometimes you have to follow your instincts. I was incredibly nervous and so scared it was almost physically impossible to get the words out.

My father is also an Anglican Minister (Episcopalian in the USA), his second career. It helped somewhat to think of him in his role as a minister hearing a confession rather than my father. I told him I am Transgendered, however he was not sure of the term, I explained what it meant and he was surprised. As a minister he did not have any real experience with Trans people but the Anglican church is open to gay community. It does turn out that he knew one M2F, an older woman who had passed away two years ago. She had fought in Burma in WWII and transitioned in the early seventies. He had thought quite highly of her.

I told him everything about the hormones, plans for surgery, what my real name is, I even showed him a couple of photos. He took everything quite calmly and asked intelligent and respectful questions. He told me that I had nothing to be ashamed or guilty about and that I am as God made me. He is still my dad so I held it together and did not cry but came very close. He even suggested that once my transition is "complete" that they have a celebration at the church. He was sorry what what I had gone through as a child and that I could not share my feelings earlier on.

I am so relived I was dreading having to tell him, we have not always had a close relationship and I went expecting the worst. I am really surprised but incredibly happy at his reaction to the news. I had a tough weekend dealing with some depression but feel a new purpose this morning.

Hugs,

April

Crappy Car Stuff:

In case you are interested in my automotive adventures. Just had time this morning to drop into an auto glass place, basically they washed their hands of the Toronado, too old too complex. I am trying to locate a terrible sun roof leak, I mean massive. I had the entire interior gutted and this is my daily driver! Feel silly driving around in an empty car with the headliner temporarily taped into place.

Some suggestions on where to look next, means more disassembly and that means car may have to be off the road for a time. As usual up to me to fix.

Getting desperate for a daily driver, Don’t want to push my Eldorado project as it is still a bit of an unknown, think best bet will be to fix trans issue on 76 Lincoln Mark IV as the car is in very good overall mechanical condition. Too bad the paint job is so bad.

Sent the carb for the 1972 Mark in for professional repair, bad news was that it kept leaking but I think I narrowed down the problem to the carb. The 72 is scheduled for storage as it is too delicate for winter duty.

Argh driving me to distraction…..with everything else going on I really don't need all these car problems. I need to save my time and energy for family and transition. Really who needs a double digit collection of 19 ft long cars?

Precious Hours

Ah the weekend, she approaches with endless promise. Family, a fleet of less than perfect “classic” cars and a house to clean does tend to eat up any down time.

True I have been able to dress in a more feminine fashion at home but it is hardly 100% April or for much time. The children have dance class, swimming and there are always chores to do outside. I am not quite ready for the neighbors to meet April.

My slice of suburbia is a real Peyton Place where no secret can remain hidden for long. As soon as one person knows he is planning to become a she the entire street will know about me….as they say, there goes the neighborhood.

Still I am lucky enough to get out once a week for coffee or drinks (mostly coffee, I am not that kind of girl) with a few close friends.

So much planning, preparation and stealth goes into these few precious hours I can be myself. Before I know it the evening is over and like Cinderella I must return to the drab male world for another week. I look ahead to living full time as a woman otherwise I would go mad.

But for a few hours I can be me and the joy is sometimes overwhelming and sometimes a quiet contentment. It is during these precious hours that the guilt and shame are vanquished and depression blotted out by a radiant soul.

This post is dedicated to all my sisters and brothers waiting for the weekend.

Hugs,

April