We are having a summer after all, a spate of beautiful early
fall days that have been hot and sunny. Yesterday I had some errands to run and
it seemed too good a day not to take out the Corvette.
Like me she is somewhat “customized”. She has a SharkBite
coil over conversion so corners well but rides rough on city streets. On a
smooth highway it feels awesome.
Being of English extraction I am not given to emotional outburts
but heading home after visiting my friend Tasha, who took the photos BTW I pulled onto the QEW and
rocketed into the fast lane, T roofs off and the radio blasting rockabilly….I
couldn’t resist and let out yell of pure joy.
The adrenalin rush was intense, once home and the
small block cooling off in the driveway I was bouncing around the house like
Tigger on speed.
I totally understand why, one is now a woman in full and the
soul searching is over, stealth and normal life is what is important.
Well my life is still far from normal and I still have some
things to say, nor do I wish to say goodbye to all my friends on this site.
The last month has been one of the most stressful of my
life. I moved the last of my possessions from my old home (throwing away many
many car parts I collected over the years). Moving is always difficult but it
was closing a fifteen year chapter in my life that took the real emotional
toll.
Going through a life times memories stretching back to my
school days in England, to marriage and children made it seem more like
cleaning up after the death of a loved one. And in some ways I guess it was.
The last month also saw the end or rather transformation of
a relationship with a close friend. I was more devastated than I could have
previously imagined.
My relationship with my ex also hit an all time low, just
going back to my old home made me feel sick.
Music, cars, history anything I felt passionate about felt
grey and lifeless.
These events conspired to push me back into the darkest
depths of depression, it was all I could do to get up and go to work, blogging
was a bridge too far. Despite the cost I sought professional help from my
therapist and doctor.
A big shout out to Cassidy for listening, responding to my
texts and just being there for me.
I wish I could say that all that pain is behind me now and
that I am moving forward on the back of a rainbow coloured flying unicorn that
poops skittles. It feels more like climbing Mt. Everest but at least I am
moving up!
I have more to say about dating and relationships but that
will be for later in the week.
Hugs,
April
Big Hunk of Love...always one of my favourite Elvis songs, here is an incendiary cover by the Jim Jones Revue
Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell
has frozen over.
My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.
If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.
My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.
Lets me see what I can remember,
First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.
The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.
Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.
I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.
I believed I was not worthy of anyone loving me.
I feared I was expendable and I would loose the little security
I had regained in my life.
I was scared and powerless.
No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.
I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.
This is a first step.
Nothing profound in my musical choice just the Beach Boys pounding out Dance Dance Dance .....they look like they are really having fun....joyous
Dispatches from the dating front....men are pigs and only want one
thing! Wow April news flash! OK I am being unfair I have met maybe one or two true gentlemen.
Greetings from the office over the stairs....really my office used to be a closet....insert joke here...
I am still battling periods of depression as super blogger Cass will attest, as she, poor girl, is usually on the receiving end of my sad ass text messages.
I had my middle daughter over the other day , we had pizza and watched Toy Story 3, now that is a tough film not to cry over.
It has been an up and down existence emotionally the last month as sad April battles positive April for supremacy. It sucks being depressed, everything I love loses its luster, from cars to music, even food tastes like sawdust. Good news is I dropped below my target weight LOL.
I won't sugar coat this for anyone reading this blog near the beginning of their journey. Transition is worth the blood and tears but you better be strong.
I am posting this as I am on a upswing (I could be back in the depths of hell by this evening). I have come dangerously close to giving into despair but hope is a terrible and powerful thing that keeps me moving forward in this uncertain and scary world.
The Ravonettes have a great new-ish "surf" inspired album but I am trying to listen to only positive upbeat tunes. So I will save that review for later.
My favorite pop punk band the Dollyrots have an amazing acoustic album out called Love Songs, Werewolves and Zombies. You cant help but to play it loud and dance around the room. The song Smile Smile Smile seemed to speak to the trans condition....
I had not dated since the divorce as I was scared and I didn't want to upset my friend from the last post.
I joined a dating site and have been inundated with responses.....yeah I'm bragging.....but its more to do with my profile drafting skills. I have a degree in marketing and I am a writer, I know how to sell the sizzle...
Yes I always wanted to work on Madison Avenue.
It is hard to find the time to do the typical coffee date but I have managed to squeeze a few into a busy schedule.
Some good none bad, there were two where we had nothing in common whatsoever, those were more humerous than anything else. Others involved great conversations that neither of us wanted to end.
But I can tell you have questions, dear constant reader. Let me second guess you.
Passing?
As no one has called me on it I am passing with all comers both in person and on the phone.
Telling?
Do I tell. NO not at this point. I am a woman and I don't owe anyone my life history until I am damn good and ready and things are moving towards a relationship.
So early days yet and I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I am sure it won't be easy.
Here is the stunning Sylvie Vartan on Hullabaloo from 1965, the guy is cute too:
On top of this, literally the same day, I find out in a text
from my ex that she is now dating an old “friend” of mine. She has every right
to move on with her life but it is the old “friend” part of the equation that
stings.
Once again I had to go to work and put on my happy face for
co-workers and customers that was hard too.
So I am here writing this post when I should be sleeping but
sleep wont come nor do I expect it to.
My toe isn't throbbing constantly and I can get around in a limping sort of way so long as I keep my weight off the big toe and balance on my heel.
A co-worker remarked that they had missed me and I almost cried.
The first two days I was functioning normally but on the third the disruption of my sleep patterns really started to take a toll.
The lack of sleep manifested itself in anger. Wrath seems to be one of my personal seven deadly sins right behind envy.
I do have flashes of self awareness and I realize that the root of feelings comes not only from sleep deprivation but the stress I have been under. An element of which has been the promise of a career position. (oh to return to the rat race and once again to be real person in the eyes of others). I am on the short list but the waiting is killing me and everyday that goes by I despair of ever getting a "real" job.
