Into the city today for a meeting in full male drag, suit, tie, cashmere overcoat (which I forgot I had). Even my big chunky Russian watch, keeps terrible time but looks cool. Usually I am not so sartorial day to day as our office environment is casual, black jeans, black shirt, black jacket, seeing a pattern here…I like black. First time client meeting so suit required.
Being in a suit is both familiar (takes me back to my banking days) and somewhat alien. The reflection in the mirror was not the image in my head.
Friends have said they can see some changes in my face as the hormones begin to have an effect. I perceived that something was off about my presentation (hair too long, nails too long?) but I doubt I raised any suspicions.
A CD/TS/TG meme is the Matrix red pill, blue pill question. If you could take a pill to make it all go away would you. Too late for me I already swallowed mine but the answer today would be different from what it was two years ago.
Jeez where to start, there should really be canon of blues songs about the trials and tribulations of trying to survive as a middle class family.
Reviewing my finances on line is really the wrong way to begin a Monday morning. If I keep my foot out of the accelerator I just might have enough gas money to get me to my next pay check.
Had to work last night which adds insult to injury as it costs me to drive in on the weekend. Presentation tomorrow have to wear a suit….guy suit….boooooo
I had a whole lot of other topics to bitch about today but economics has rather taken the wind out of my sails. I need a pep talk; Jessie Jackson’s 1988 presidential slogan keeps popping up in my mind… “Keep hope alive!!” Funny thing is I am a Republican or as much of one as someone living in our Dominion can be.
Hope is so important; it is what makes us get up every morning, to take another breath and to believe we can make the impossible, possible. Depression is like anti-matter, it is the absence of hope. So I keep trying to Keep Hope Alive!
I was able to go out Saturday night, met up with girlfriends Ashley and Marissa and her adult son John. We had a great time at Boston Pizza, it felt very natural and I was not spooked by the crowd. I still don’t make as much eye contact as I do in guy mode but I hold my head up and go where I want to go. Just three women talking about movies, fashion, politics etc….wonderful.
So what did I wear, sweater, pencil skirt, boots, black of course with a gold chain belt.
I honor of my general air of being bummed here is Social Distortion and “Bad Luck”, title sound like a downer but it is a real rave up:
Just a minute between filming to jot down some thoughts today. I had a therapy session yesterday evening. I had not been for almost a month but was very glad I was able to find the time.
Prior to dealing with being transsexual I dismissed therapy as something for other people, for people who were weaker and lacked the self will to help themselves.
Needless to say I have changed my opinion, after a series of depressive periods and on the insistence of my wife I sought out help. I know it is not always easy to find someone who knows about Trans issues. I was lucky in that an old friend was a therapist, it was still difficult at first to pick up the phone and tell him why I needed to see him professionally.
The sessions have helped greatly, to accept who I am and to control and reduce my depression. I have learned much about myself beyond being Trans as well.
Of course, if anyone in my neck of the woods (S. Ontario) needs his contact info just ask.
It seems this week has invoked the spirit of the King, no reason to stop now. The remix of “A Little Less Conversation” was a big hit a few years ago, did you ever hear the original from the movie Live A Little, Love A Little? No, well here is it is:
Elvis and a 1968 Imperial convertible what is not to love? And yes I want to be the girl in the white mink.
Ok don’t get too excited this will be a remarkably short series. Perhaps one or two if I can think of someone else.
Surfing You Tube the other day I came across some old kinescopes of Town Hall Party, a country and western TV show that ran from 1954 to early 1961 on KTTV from the Compton suburb of LA.
The show was remarkable for featuring a number of legendary rockabilly artists such as Gene Vincent, Eddy Cochran, Johnny Cash, The Collins Kids and Wanda Jackson.
Wanda is the undisputed queen of rockabilly with a powerful voice and the only woman to better an Elvis tune (Let’s Have a Party), she also dated him!
I met Ms. Jackson at an outdoor rockabilly show years ago and even got her autograph. Her voice had lost none of the power and she could still make the fringe on her dress move in opposite directions.
Here she is doing Hard Headed Woman, that is Joe Maphis on the double necked guitar.
I hope you will be inspired to look up some more of her hits, make sure you check out Funnel of Love or Fujiyama Mama, mere words cannot do them justice.
I have mentioned before that my job is one I cannot transition at. A small privately held company its policies are solely dictated by the owner.
I firmly believe that outing myself would lead to instant dismissal if not the threat of physical violence. I fear that if I leave and my transition becomes known my reputation will be unmercifully attacked.
I have been complicit in allowing what was initially a dream job becoming a stifling prison. Being Trans aside my job has past its best before date. Time to move on.
Ah but there’s the rub, I have been unable or unwilling to give up the safety of a regular salary and dealing with an industry I love. Between myself and my employer I, have fashioned the very chains that bind me to unhappiness and a continued and unbearable male existence.
I had a break down this week, the stresses overflowed the levees of my male façade and I sobbed in anger and frustration.
I am not so blind to realize that in these difficult economic times a job is a valuable thing and I am grateful to have been employed for a long time. But the time for change is LONG overdue. I need to find the strength to make that change happen.
I am privileged that my mother, father and brother all care enough to read my little diatribes. And most importantly my wife. I was going to complain about my job today but she suggested a different topic.
A little about her first to know how she fits into this story. I came out to her in a gradual manner over the last two years and she has been supportive and understanding through it all. She has shown a true Christian attitude where it would be so easy for anger and bitterness to take root. Anger only flares when I let myself descend into depression.
I love her and never wanted to hurt her, when we married I was naive and considered my transexualism to be an aberration that would eventually disappear.
We are best friends but separation and divorce (although friendly) is an inevitability. How our future family living arrangements will look is uncertain but I am positive we will find an answer that is best for the children.
Being Trans means having to embrace the absurd sometimes. A discussion with your wife about whether it would be appropriate for me to wear a white wedding dress if I were to remarry has got to take the cake so to speak.
How is someone supposed to take their husband becoming a woman? She is honest and admits to occasional feelings of anger and fear about the future. Will she find someone else to provide the type of closeness and companionship she misses?
Surprisingly she also admitted to feeling of jealousy. I have more clothes and fit into a smaller dress size. The children have said I am pretty…..raise in allowances all round! I understand that it is typical competiveness between two women. But she is beautiful and will always be more than I can ever be no matter how much I spend on surgery.
One day in the future we may both find someone else. I know she will have no trouble on that account and although we can no longer be a couple I know that on that day I will be happy for her but my heart will still break.
Time to lighten the mood; here is Elvis and Ann Margaret with the Lady Loves Me….
I met my friend Ashley for drinks on Saturday evening, wore a black sweater dress with sheer nylons, jewelled two inch heels. Wife thought it was too short for a woman of my age. I will admit the dress looked shorter with tan nylons, worked better when I wore it with black tights. I believe she called it a desperate divorcee number, which I found quite amusing.
Ashley looked great by the way. We initially went to the Carrigan Arms but a live band meant it was too loud for me, also not my kind of music. We retreated to an establishment more to our tastes and where we could carry on a conversation without yelling at each other.
Sunday was a super rush to get ready in the morning and drive into Toronto for the Trans parent forum at Sherbourne. Made it in ok but lost a hubcap from the Toronado. I wore my favourite jeans, a scooped black T-shirt with a black lace cami underneath and a belted sweater. Wife pronounced the outfit much more appropriate. I left the house in boy/girl mode as it was broad daylight. Running shoes, bomber jacket and dark glasses (no wig). Oh and gloves to hide the painted nails.
Once I arrived at Sherbourne I switch shoes, jacket, hair and applied a light pink lip stick. The forum was very interesting all MTF except the facilitator who was FTM. Initially I was really nervous but everyone was friendly and we had a good chat before the session. Most of the attendees had been full time (post op?) for a while and a wide spectrum of ages. I wanted to participate in the study as there is little knowledge on the issue and on a selfish note I wanted to push the envelope and gain more experience being out in the daytime.
My wife needed to go onto the office so I drove straight back getting stuck downtown in the traffic leaving the Santa Claus parade. I was thinking about heading over to the Eaton's Center mall but time was short and I really didn't feel in the shopping mood. I drove home en femme and was able to safely enter the house under the cover of darkness.
Presented as April for the rest of the evening, minus wig as it gets hot since I have let my natural hair grow out. Dinner, baths for the children then bedtime. Watched episode 4 of the Walking Dead.
Quick car update, changed oil and greased chassis (what a filthy job) this weekend. While I was underneath I saw the driver's side CV boot has cracked...more work. Terrible wind noise from the sunroof not shutting properly on the passenger side RH corner. I just hope it doesn't leak again. The Toronado handled downtown traffic fine but a definite vibration above 100 KPM drive axle?
So if you find a Toronado XS hub cap please contact me, there will be a reward. The caps are unique to the XS model Oldsmobile and are quite rare, luckily I did have a spare.
So everything at work has become a red ball and the buck stops with me. Same deal at my wife’s office perhaps it is something to do with the build up to the Christmas holidays. I apologize if this post is somewhat disjointed.
I work in an almost total male environment and as the week progresses I feel the femininity being leeched from my soul. I cannot be who I am so I continue to wear the mask I have been able to partially shed at home. Note to self GET ANOTHER JOB! Yes I know I am lucky to have a job.
Another long night getting my alternative transport ready for use, an hour fettling ended up lasting well past the witching hour. Middle child sick, reinforcements (Mom) called in to fill the breech.
Toronado ran well on the morning commute with the only annoyance being wind noise from the improper sealing sunroof. Driven to distraction last night by the fuse for the courtesy lights blowing. I think I went through six 20amp fuses until I tracked the problem to an abraded wire to the trunk light. Working for now but you never know old cars, they have their own agenda.
This Sunday I will be taking part in a Trans parent forum in the big city. I would like to attend as April; however this would mean leaving home during daylight hours. Typical suburban neighborhood where each house is visible to others on the street. Not an insurmountable problem but I will have to carefully consider what I will wear and what additions or subtractions I can make in the car.
I wanted to tip any of you with the same musical taste to a great site called the Hound Blog. One of the latest posts deals with Brother Claude Ely, one of the greatest Gospel shouters ever. If this guy recorded secular music he would have been one of Rock n, Roll’s founding fathers. Lots of his records here free to download:
This stuff really moves, Brother Claude makes a joyous noise unto the Lord that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I am not one for organized religion (as Groucho said, “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members” but this would get me into church. Have a listen and hope it brightens your day.
Speaking of religion I have it on good authority that God does love us as we are and as whom we wish to be. Being Trans is not a sin, nor is transitioning.
Hugs,
April PS. Picture has nothing to do with this post, another photo from the dance last week.
Feeling a little woozy this morning. Stayed up very late working on my Oldsmobile Toronado. Coffee stat!
I decided to reinstall the interior in my Toronado and not stop till I was done. I usually only have an hour or two spare on weekends and didn't want to drag the job out over the next few weeks. Also the Lincoln needs a new RH manifold exhaust gasket and may be out of commission for a few days. Started the job at 9:30PM and finished at 3:00 AM all work performed outside.
Installed everything from the headliner to the carpet and everything in between. The car now has its red plush buttoned velour seats and door panels again. Still a few bolts and screws to find homes for but all the grunt work is done. Next job change the oil and lube the chassis.
Why was the interior out? The power sun roof or Astroroof in GM speak was leaking somewhere, the water eventually pooling in the passenger foot wells….after it poured down the back of your neck. Multiple leaks were found but everything had to come out to locate them.
The one major problem was that the rear slider assembly on the sun roof broke so the roof will remain inoperable till I find another one. Certainly an obsolete part as the Oldsmobile Division is no more and the sun roof manufacturer ASC has also passed into the history books. Finding a new or even a used one will be a quest on par with finding the Grail.
So what have I learned, obviously I need more cars (joking). Actually I forgot how much time I used to spend on my cars, hours EVERY night and weekend. It is time that I can no longer afford and the masculine identity reinforcement that such work provided is no longer necessary.
Hugs,
April
Here are the prolific garage favorites Thee Milkshakes with the title of this post:
I had a real bad day yesterday at work and to top it all off I was contacted by our version of the IRS looking for more tax money. I could go on and on but I won’t.
Instead of being miserable I am going to focus on some positive things, I got to go out on Saturday night (and again Sunday), doctor yesterday raised my hormone level and I think I can actually see some facial changes. Also the dead hairs from the last laser session continue to come out a pace.
I had been looking forward to an evening out for a while with girlfriends Ashley and Natasha. It is a rare occasion when all three of us can get together. The HOPE event at the Carrigan Arms was not as well attended as the last time but it was still a lot of fun and we were able to all sit down.
I had been pre-warned about Natasha’s gorgeous off the shoulder number so I needed something different. My wife found me a very cute red dress that had a definite sixties retro feel. Paired with a pair of silver three inch heels and very daring for November no nylons.
I even danced! I think the photo is of me getting in the spirit of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock n' Roll”. Lots of contemporary dance stuff, some vintage seventies disco but no Ramones like the last time.
Later we went to another pub for a quiet drink (diet coke for me) and chatted some more.
On Sunday I met Natasha and Marissa in Hamilton for coffee then came home and ended up staying up too late watching episode three of the Walking Dead.
The opportunity to get out in different environments seems to build my confidence each time.
There is a reason envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It is an unfortunate character trait I have seen in myself before.
Envy (Latin, invidia) in Dante's Purgatory is punished by having ones eyes sewn shut with wire because you have gained sinful pleasure from seeing others brought low. I prefer St. Thomas Aquinas’ description of envy as "sorrow for another's good".
I know from where this weed grows, it is the frustration over the pace of my own transition. It is what keeps from venturing back to various forums as I tend to judge my own progress against others. When I find progress lacking I lapse into depression. When you want to go full time, when you feel yourself ready any delay becomes unbearable.
I have a good friend who is poised to enter the fast track of transition. She is less encumbered by ties to her male life than I. For her it is not a matter of overcoming a series of obstacles but of when.
Irrationally I feel that I should be first, that she is usurping my role. The situation fills me with envy and yes anger. I feel terrible for thinking this way, which just makes it worse.
I am trying to turn my envy into a positive energy, to strengthen my resolve and to take action to make my own transition happen as soon as possible. And of course to wish my friend well and give her all the support I can.
Diana Dors was Britain’s answer to Marilyn Monroe. Besides being a blonde bombshell she seems to have had great taste in cars. In 1954 the rising star bought a used car but oh what a car it was, a 1949 Delahaye bodied by Saoutchik in the prewar art deco style of French coachbuilders. The voluptuous baby blue Delahaye had a nautical theme inspired the narwhal whale, the unicorn of the seas.
Diana and her husband did not keep the Delahaye long trading it in on a new Cadillac convertible. I also found a photo of her standing beside a British registered 59 Cadillac….the perfect car for any movie star. I swear that is a Riley behind the police officers right shoulder.
The restored Delahaye recently sold for $3 million.
The great "Another Nickel in the Machine" blog about historic London has an interesting story on Ms. Dors:
They went with songs to the battle, they were young. Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow. They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted, They fell with their faces to the foe. They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them.
I particulary like in Flanders Field written by Canadian Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae during the First World War. Some may see the last line as jingostic but WE must remember that all the freedoms we enjoy and those that are only now being recognized flow from their sacrifice on the alter of democracy.
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing,
flyScarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead.
Short days ago We lived,
felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
April
The image is of the Vietnam Women's Memorial in Washington
If that is not a cryptic blog title I don’t know what is. Had the morning off as a partial vacation day in order to watch my youngest daughter while my wife had important meetings to co-ordinate.
Worked on an article due Friday wearing casual April wear, just jeans, bra, cami and sweater, then a pleasant drive to work in the noon sun with the windows down, heater on as it is November in the new world and of course the music playing.
Had the local university radio station on and caught a radio show that matched by own peculiar taste in music (rockabilly/surf/punk). They played a track by Teenage Head one of the original Canadian punk bands. Named after the 1971 Flamin’ Groovies album. A local band I am sad to say I never had the opportunity to see in their prime. The lead singer Frankie Venom, what a great name, passed away recently. Below is a rare TV appearance of them performing Lets Shake from the Frantic City album.
The Lincoln drove well and the roads were quiet so I had a smooth run up to work with the cruise control set on 65 mph. Too bad gas was 1.08 per liter, I am sure that sounds cheap to you girls in the UK but just remember I am driving a 460 cubic inch V8 owww.
McDuesenberg was a pejorative name thrown at the baroque Lincoln Continentals. Just like McMansion for the oversized suburban palaces that are replacing all the post war ranches. Actually I like the name. The designer of the Mark IV Wes Dahlberg interviewed I the eighties said that they really were trying to build a modern day Duesenberg like classic.
"The grille was sort of like the Rolls-Royce, but we did not copy it directly. We were trying for the look of many of the great classics if they were to be built in 1972 -- not necessarily the Duesenberg, but all of them. We wanted a clean look and simplicity.
I love neo-classic styling on early seventies cars, Lincoln Continentals, Cadillac Eldorado, the Stutz Blackhawk etc.
A dance to go to on Saturday night oh what to wear when girlfriends tell me about all the great outfits they have lined up….I feel like Cinderella with no fairy godmother.
Just found out my orthodontist is retiring suddenly, darn I liked him plus I still had a procedure to go. He was really odd is an Eastern European mad scientist kind of way, pleasant enough and not too expensive. I will miss him, I wonder what happened. I imagine some terrible scandal.
I met with an old boss the other evening to discuss maybe coming to work for him. I am interested in the opportunity but being a young company there are some risks. There are definite benefits too. A big plus is that I could work from home, allowing more time for children, less after school day care dollars and almost as important more time spent as April in preparation for going full time.
The offer is not set in stone but if it materializes I would be inclined to accept because I CANNOT transition in my current job. The old boss has always struck me as a live and let live kinda guy and at least the possibility of acceptance is there.
If we get to a firm offer I was seriously considering telling him about me first. Initially this struck me as a good idea, fast track to full time etc… After speaking with my wife and a little more reflection it may well be better to wait. An admission that I am Trans and will transition on the job may well put the kibosh on the deal.
Instead, if I come on board I will work like a demon to make the company a success and after six months or a year assuming I have not made a mess of things tell him that I am transitioning.
The period up to then can be put to good use living part time as April, working on my voice and getting everything ready for going full time. I am still impatient though! I wish I could start a new job as April tomorrow.
Super long day yesterday, after the meeting I drove him home then headed home switched vehicles and did the grocery shopping at midnight. Thank goodness for 24 hour supermarkets. I staggered around like a zombie checking items off my shopping list. Drove home, unloaded then into bed by 2:00 AM up four hours later to start all over again. Yawwwnnnn.
I know I say this all the time but what a busy weekend. All the usual stuff with addition of putting one of the fleet into dry dock. End of day yesterday my wife and I drove into the deepest depths of rural Ontario to place the 1972 Lincoln Continental Mark IV into winter storage.
Sure there is still room in the driveway (it will hold four of Detroit’s most insolent chariots) but moving them all each time you need to shovel the driveway is a real bother. Last year was quite mild and I could count on one hand the days I had to shovel. This year I don’t think we can count on being so blessed by Mother Nature.
The 72 Mark IV is a summer only car so she gets to spend the winter hibernating like the Corvette which is at my mom’s garage (thanks mom!). The Mark had only recently received a new rebuilt carburetor but ran well on the hour plus journey to the middle of nowhere.
It was quite a journey and rather uncertain without the benefit of a GPS device. At one point we turned down a little a dirt road which was shrouded by a canopy of leafless trees. The sun was a great orange ball just dipping below the horizon. We both had the same thought that the scene looked like something out of a fairy tale. At any moment one was expecting a dragon to emerge from the darkening woods.
The 72 is now tucked away in an insolated barn for the winter, I hope she has pleasant dreams until we collect her in the spring.
The busy weekend meant no time out as April resulting in only sporadic bitchiness on my part. I did make up for it partially, by getting myself cleaned up and curling up on the coach in a nightgown and robe to watch the second episode of the Walking Dead. I love zombie movies but do admit to finding this series almost too intense to watch.
My natural hair is getting a bit long and I am not sure about getting it cut as I am loath to go back to my old male hairstyle. Starting to look a little like Dave Edmunds in the seventies! Now that is a good segue, here is Dave and his fine mane of hair with the beautiful Carlene Carter dueting on Baby Ride Easy. It seems they are on the set of a British kids show:
Normally I don’t put much store in dreams and besides I am usually too exhausted to dream much at all. The other night I had a remarkably real (hyper realistic?) dream where I was in a job interview. I know other people’s dreams can be boring so I will try and keep it brief.
I sat across from the female interviewer separated by a desk in a modern open plan office environment. I was not dressed as April but as “him” in a conservative suit and tie. The interview was going very well and I remember thinking that this seemed like a great place to work. It was only then that I gazed down at my feet, no shoes! And OMG lavender painted toe nails. I looked up and the interviewer was looking down at my feet as well. I felt myself simultaneously pale and go red with embarrassment.
We looked up at the same time and as our eyes met she gave me a conspiratorial wink then said, “The boss is a bit old fashioned but you shouldn’t have any problem as April”. It seemed I got the job. On waking I was rather disappointed it was all a dream.
Obviously wish fulfillment, as the one thing standing in my way is a job I can transition at. The universe and I better conspire to make this dream a reality.
As I mentioned yesterday I did make it out on the weekend but it was a close thing. No I am not talking about my emotional breakdown; I almost cancelled as I was not happy with the way I looked.
I have been undergoing laser hair removal on my face since the spring and I believe I just had my fifth appointment. I paid in advance for six treatments and as many follow up sessions as it takes to get rid of all black hairs. Funded through the sale of some car parts and articles I wrote. There are some white ones too but the less said about those the better.
About two months ago I was able to get away with just foundation, no Dermablend, just like a real woman. However some dormant hairs came through and it was back to the heavy makeup to hide any shadow. During the latest session last Thursday they set the phasers to kill and though I applaud the take no prisoners approach all those dead hairs simply lay on the surface and don’t fall out for about two weeks.
On the Saturday a close shave still left me looking like Richard Nixon and even Dermablend seemed to do little to hide the dreaded shadow. I know it is a temporary thing but it plays havoc with my self confidence. I continued to get dressed and though happy with my outfit I was really torn about going out.
Wife and children gave thumbs up to the sweater dress and boots (it is getting cold here) but my irrepressible middle child said I need a shave. I could have died.
If I hadn’t promised to meet Marissa I think I would have stayed home. Yesterday and today’s photo is from Saturday. If you think I am going to show you the ones I think you can see a shadow in you are gravely mistaken. Such is the vanity of the transgendered.
I don’t think I looked too bad and I did enjoy my time out. But I am not venturing out in public again until the latest lasered crop fall out and my face is clearer. This weekend? Next weekend?
Saturday always goes by in a blur, children’s activities, shopping, chores inside and outside the house. Extra work last weekend as it was Halloween and pumpkins had to be carved. Nothing like having your arm deep in pumpkin guts to get in the spirit of things….maybe its good for the skin. I carved three in record time. Not a bad showing this season, if I say so myself.
I admit I was disappointed about not getting out for Halloween as April. I had a last minute invite to a costume party but circumstances meant I could not attend.
The plan Saturday evening was to see my friend Marissa for coffee. The hours ticked by but I hadn’t had a chance to get ready or even pick out an outfit. No one could decide on what they wanted for dinner and everyone seemed out of sorts. Perhaps it was the changing weather but tempers flared and my wife and I argued.
I fell apart; I retreated to the bedroom and sobbed, a full breakdown. Overwhelmed with frustration and despair.
It is hard to recapture the intensity of the emotions; in fact it seems rather silly now. In reality I have much to be thankful for. My wife came in and was very supportive recognizing the stress I am under and the frustration of not living as who I am. She encouraged me to get ready and go out, which after dinner I did.
Apologies for being AWOL, on location filming yesterday and filming on set again today, two interviews.
To all those reading south of the border, no not Mexico, south of our border, yes in the USA get out and vote…let the Force guide you.
Oh yeah one more thing I have a cold, not the full blown Captain Trips but I do feel like one of the walking dead right now.
Halloween is only days away and the children were allowed to wear their costumes to school. My wife delivered the princess and the Hogwarts student I drove the vampire in the Mark IV. It was heart warming, they were so excited, it was great to see children just happy being children. I pity the teachers though I am sure no work will get done today.
I am a little put out as I don’t get to dress up. I thought about taking the children trick or treating in a female costume (Morticia Addams perhaps) but we discussed it and my wife didn’t think it was a good idea. The neighbors will eventually know about me and she didn’t want them to think it was all a game.
The ironic thing is that for the first time in my life I am invited to a costume party. An excuse to dress up! Do you know how long the old me was waiting for just such an opportunity! But will have to pass for the same reason given above.
I don’t even know if I will get out this weekend and on this our tribes most important holiday.
Grease under my nails again as I spent an hour last night working on the vacuum operated light doors on the 76 Lincoln Mark IV. I think I finally found the leaking vacuum hose that was causing a terrible hissing noise when the lights were on. Sounded like a displeased cat trapped somewhere under the cavernous hood (bonnet to you British readers).
Bad news is that a brake line ruptured. The Mark has four wheel disk brakes with normally excellent stopping power. Have to get to my mechanic at lunch to have repaired….I can’t do everything you know.
Enough bitching, I am extremely blessed with great children, an understanding wife and some seriously cool parents. I hope you read the posts “Thanks Mom” and “Telling Dad”. The statistical probability of having two supportive parents makes me want to run out and by a lottery ticket. My heart is so much lighter having told them and in turn their acceptance of me….April.
Hugs
PS. Halloween themed pictures are works by Shag, (a favorite artist of mine) commemorating the 40th anniversary of Disney’s Haunted Mansion, which also happens to be my favorite Disney ride.
I have been blogging for a little while now and although my mom knew she had not read it. She does know about me.
She had recently bought a lap top and is busy discovering the internet in earnest. So I took a chance and emailed her the link to my blog.
The other day at work I received a reply, with trepidation I read it then began to cry.
I hope she does not mind but here is part of the message:
"I cannot imagine how much turmoil you must have been in, and still are, but giving voice, however one does it, is so important … I struggled along with your anger and frustration in one blog and wished I could have helped, so have cried and empathized along with you, as well as admiring the photos. I would be proud to introduce you as my daughter".
Please don’t expect any deep thoughts today, just an excuse to post some recent pictures.
I didn’t mention I also made it out for coffee on Sunday with Natasha. Too bad we were both so tired that we had to limit our chat to just under an hour. Another black outfit and no I was never a Goth. Actually I don’t know if Goths existed when I was a teenager, punks yes.
I don’t know if I am becoming more confident or just don’t care. No one in the coffee shop seemed to stare at us or pay us any undue attention. That is all any of us want just to be another woman free to live her life.
Finally installed the new carb on the 72 Mark IV, just in time for her to go into storage. It looked so beautiful it was almost a shame to bolt it on…almost. See girls can appreciate mechanical perfection too.
That under hood shot represents 920 combined cubic inches. Still waiting for my thank you note from OPEC.
The 76 Mark IV is being its usual maddening self, lots of minor glitches but always ready to do battle on the morning commute. I really need a new “old” shaft style radio. I replaced the original unit with a cheap cassette deck I had squirreled away years ago for my late lamented 70 Riviera GS. The cassette allows me to play the iPod but the FM reception is very poor and sometimes you just want to listen to the news.
Don’t get me started on fuel consumption, single digit, I need to give her a tune up this weekend which I am sure will improve performance and economy.
On the open road portion of my morning journey with the cruise control on it is heaven.
I have always been a night hawk; even if I don’t have anything to do I will end up staying up late. The late late late show kind of late.
Of course having children means that if you want to do anything be it paper work, exercise or trying to find out why the climate control system of your vintage seventies luxury car only blows hot air…the hours of darkness are your only option.
For years I have gotten by on three to four hours sleep. The idea that other mortals slept eight or more seemed completely alien me.
Time for a change, I am making a conscious effort to organize my time better, get more done and to paradoxically try to get to bed earlier. Age or perhaps the effect of the hormones is making burning the candle at both ends an increasingly difficult task.
In the meantime there is always Starbucks and music to fuel the sleep deprived mind. Speaking of which here is a faster live version of the Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.
PS. Watch closely and you will see a car just like mine!
After a bit of a dry spell I was able to get out on Saturday evening. Natasha, Ashley and I went into the big city where there are venues that cater to a more cosmopolitan crowd. Not exactly my cup of tea and certainly not my kind of music. However, when in Rome…
I was able to inflict my choice of music on the girls in the car as I was the designated driver. We took my wife’s Chrysler Town & Country as it has the room and is easier to park and far more inconspicuous than a vintage Lincoln Mark IV.
I was very happy to be out as April and despite a late night I was so fully of energy the next day I didn’t feel tired at all. Raked leaves, washed cars, cleaned the gutters and other assorted tasks and chores. Now if going full time gives me that sort of boost every day I will be unstoppable.
These were my two favorite pictures, black sweater dress, black tights and two inch heels, left the four inch heels in the car.
I find that when I have not gone out for a couple of weeks (only two in this case) my confidence takes a real beating. I start to worry if I can possibly pass, can I put together an outfit that looks good? I almost want the outing to be cancelled, I worry and get all stressed out. I stop feeling like a woman and start feeling like an awkward guy again.
Right now it is a lot of work to go out. Make up, nails, shaving, carefully choosing an outfit beforehand. Also having young children means I cannot simply head out the door anytime I want. All outings have to be planned like a military operation and like as not I end up running late.
When I have gone out and I am happy with my presentation I feel like I can conquer the world in heels and that I am more than ready to go full time. I am bursting with happiness and confidence. The next time will be even easier…just like riding a bike.
Why did I include the above image, well I just love her smile, the model and the Cadillac Eldorado. I have one, the Eldorado silly. Such an imposing grill but friendly, almost like she is smiling at you.
I was never self conscious about my choice of car before but as April I have had the odd twinge of reluctance to be seen behind the wheels of some of my cars.
First of all they are all unique and I could be possibly outing myself to be seen en femme in any of them. Even on this blog I am wary to mention exactly what year car I am currently obsessing over as an errant Google search could quickly lead back to my male persona. So no photos or discussion of the Caddy or Stutz until I am out!
I have most frequently used my Corvette or Oldsmobile Toronado as C3 Corvettes are a common sight in the summer and the Toronado although quite rare seems to have a stealth quality about that rivals a Klingon warbird.
If I was truly paranoid I would stick to the late model Chrysler Town & Country minivan that is the primary family transport.
The Lincoln Continentals are great cars and I have even driven the 72 to an LGBT event (it made for quite an entrance) but the 76 gives me pause. Not because it is unreliable or too unique (it is dropped and riding on 20s) but because it is in desperate need of paint….basically she is looking a bit too ghetto for my taste. As a guy I was not too self conscious about her appearance, it gave the Mark a rat rod mystique and alerted other car fans this was a work in process and I did the work.
Not the message I wanted to send as April, I found myself at the gas station recently admiring a pretty grey and silver 79 Cadillac Seville. A perfect April car I caught myself saying or maybe a nice Jaguar XJS convertible might be a good choice…
For a car “guy” who prided “himself” on being an iconoclast and driving whatever “he” thought cool this was heresy. I am still far from confident as my female self and anything out of the ordinary or not typically feminine is something I try to avoid, like pulling up to Payless Shoes in a lowrider.
I know that I love cars whatever my gender and I have no intention of abandoning that part of myself when I transition. The intensity of that affair may diminish somewhat but I could no more deny that part of myself as I could go back into the closest so to speak.
Somewhere in here is a lesson about being true to oneself also I need to spruce up the Mark IV so it is mall ready. Did you know her metallic jade green almost matches my favorite MAC eye shadow?
The first thought that popped into my mind as I felt tears well up in my eyes. You would think something terrible happened. Actually nothing of the sort, simply that I was unable to go out last night.
It is not the going out part it is the ability to present fully as April. To be myself, to be who I long to be all the time. My much-anticipated end of the week reward, coffee with one or two girlfriends was cancelled.
A minor inconvenience to be sure but it had an emotional impact out of all proportion. I was very upset and angry at the same time. Not angry with anyone in particular but with the situation, with my inability to transition now!
I have played out this scenario too many times. I needed to tell someone why I felt this way and to take ownership of the anger and sadness. I wanted to yell that I was fed up with living 99% of my life as male when I am not one. I could no longer take my life as April doled out in tiny pieces.
Angry that I had worked hard all week and all weekend, that I deserved this! Was two or three hours as myself too much to ask the frakkin' universe? The emotional turmoil was a quick trip back into depression, a destination I had successfully avoided for a few weeks.
After a long sulk, I cooled down a bit, watched the season finale of Mad Men, and then went for a walk in the still autumn air. I like walking at night, so quiet though one does have to keep an eye out for skunks.
I used my walk to seek some reflection; the severity of my reaction should not have come as a surprise. The opportunity to go out serves to release the pressure of gender dysphoria. I find that even a brief sojourn as April has a beneficial effect that can last for days.
I wish I could say that this incident was a catalyst for immediate change, that I would go full time; unfortunately my job gets in the way. What to do, go back to being a guy…impossible. I know I cannot keep living as male nor can I exist in this in between state for much longer. The best I can do is to use this to spur me on to make my transition a reality.
As a historian at heart or just a history geek, it was my undergrad degree after all; I am always looking for the background of things. The history of the cars I drive, the places I visit. Even in relatively young North America there is a wealth of fascinating history all around us laying just under the surface of everyday life.
Prior to the internet age being Trans generally meant a life in isolation. Just as the net has allowed us to discover each other and to find out we are not alone it is also bringing to light the history of our “tribe”.
I never fail to be amazed by those women and men who have had the courage and determination to transition in the past. It is damn hard now; I can hardly imagine the strength it took to be themselves in the fifties, sixties, seventies, even eighties.
Growing up I would scour every library I came across to learn more about my “condition”. There was such a dearth of material, a book here or there like scraps from some forgotten civilization. The lack of information mirrored my own life, a hidden history, which I dared not share with anyone.
I have talked about Roberta Cowell and April Ashley in the past and recommend you read their autobiographies.
I am most indebted to Elizabeth at Notes From the T Side for telling her story and for bring Harry Benjamin’s seminal work The Transsexual Phenomenon to a wider audience. Here are the links:
Reading Harry’s book it is amazing to see both how much has changed and how little. Now there are understanding doctors and therapists, surgery is available across the continent and we no longer fear arrest and prosecution. However, the case histories mentioned shows that the heartbreak and joy are still the same.
No nothing is wrong; it is just that I promised I would post a link to Amanda Lear’s first single a cover of Elvis’ Trouble from the 1958 movie King Creole. Amanda’s version is “sung” in French, hence the title of her 1976 début single, La Bagarre.
Having fun driving the 2011 Mustang with the new 5.0 mill, on the way into work caught the sixties punk classics I Fought the Law by the Bobby Fuller Four and Dirty Robber by the Wailers. That has got to the closest I will get to experiencing what it would be like to purchase a new muscle car back in the day.
Very rainy couple of days here so thank goodness for the Mustang’s traction control, otherwise with all that power anything other than dry tarmac would really mean trouble.
Crazy morning making five lunches, then spouse and I herding everyone out the door, sometimes it feels that I have had a full day by the time I get to work. I am sure she does too.
Worked a little on the Mark IV in the rain, concerned about the custom four core rad I installed a number of years ago. Some of the delicate copper cooling fins had corroded, did a quick test this morning and looked ok but I will have to keep my eye on the coolant level. The big rad was necessary to keep the modified 460 V8 cool, despite a hood the size of an aircraft carrier there is not much room…its all taken up by engine.
Just in case you think you have stumbled on a car repair blog, a few Trans thoughts. I feel that there has been another subtle shift towards the feminine over the last week or two. Being April even when not presenting as such seems more natural, my thoughts and desires are as a woman. However, it is a tenuous thread, if I think too much about it that wonderful feeling of being her evaporates. I remain as impatient as ever to feel that way all the time.
Another wasted evening, I had plans to exercise, work on cars and finish the draft of an article for publication. I am sure other parents of young children can appreciate. After a relatively productive day at work I made it home for dinner (I was running late). By the time dishes were done, children readied for bed I was starting to crash. Mid way through the seven year olds bedtime story I started to mumble incoherently about contracts and blocking charts.
Once their lights were out I laid down (just for minute mind you) next thing I know I awoke with at start at midnight. I still had a disk to drop off! Hopped in the new 2011 Mustang GT (on loan…I am not made of money) to run my errand.
Nothing like 412 hp to wake you up! A CD of obscure soul and rockabilly added to the experience. You could get into so much trouble in this car and it is a good deal for the amount of performance under your heel(s).
Recharged slightly I decided to check e-mail and look up the stats on my blog…instead of doing something useful.
I took the opportunity of revisiting Elizabeth’s blog. I had a look earlier had had not been sure what to make of her story, reading from the beginning really opened my eyes. I know she must have more readers than me but I have to highly recommend (GO NOW) and read Notes from the T Side, an unassuming title but a riveting account of early transition not just in age but in era.
I am quite in awe of her and reading her amazing story does not make me regret my inability to transition earlier but fills me with hope for the future.
Two more photos from my weekend outing. Dorothy Parker said, “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." But I think ok in this one at least.
Hugs,
April
PS. To feel better I got up early this morning and did some work on the Mark IV’s washer system. Ford put the washer pump motor in the reservoir, it cracks washer fluid shorts out the motor…a little April re-engineering is in order.
Thanksgiving comes early in Canada. The big dinner with extended family was spent at my brother in laws. They of course don’t know yet, I expect they will by this time next year….perhaps even sooner than that.
I have used this blog as a form of catharsis that a private written diary could not provide and I have done my fair share of bitching.
I really do have a lot to be thankful for, a supportive spouse, loving children, a job, a home, parents who know and still love me.
Being Trans in no picnic and we naturally tend to focus on the stones in our pathway, the pain and the hurt.
Sometimes we need to remember what we have and not what we have lost or fear the loss of.
So big thanks to my family and to those of you have taken the time to read my mad ramblings, leave comments or send e-mails.
You are all in my prayers.
Big hugs,
April
PS. I did get out on the weekend for coffee with Marissa, I felt I did a good job on my makeup and I had a great time and was totally unselfconscious.
