I had a wonderful afternoon and evening on Sunday.
Ashley had invited me to a HOPE and local Pride Day lunch planning session. Proving there is no such thing as a free lunch we both volunteered or was it dragooned into helping out with this year's events.
After lunch we dropped by the mall for a quick bit of window shopping and wishing for an unlimited clothing budget. Then off to see an other girl friend in Hamilton and finally dinner. Back home by an incredibly yearly 9:00 PM.
True to form I stayed up way too late returning e-mails and redrafting a work agreement. My company was supposed to film today but it looks like the shoot will be scrubbed due to rain.
Oh and we met a Supermodel, Enza that is. Enza "Supermodel" Anderson is a trans activist, writer and banker. I remember seeing her on television when she ran for mayor of Toronto. Her motto was "A Super City Deserves a Super Model!" Now I find myself next to her having lunch. It was great to meet her in person, she is very down to earth and committed to making a difference.
Hugs,
April
OK I am going to totally geek out here and post the trailer for The Deathly Hallows Part 2:
It has been a while but the dark angel of depression enfolded me in her suffocating wings once again.
I have been working extremely hard at my new job to prove myself, to earn my salary in new business within the first couple of months, at that point I would tell my boss That I plan to transition. Thanks to some initially successful deals I was tantalizingly close to achieving my goal.
As of last week two signed sealed and delivered deals were now in jeopardy, I saved one but the larger one is now up in the air. After an exhausting week and many late nights working on proposals I did not have the energy to fight off the depression and welcomed the despair and sadness like an old friend. I retreated to bed still in my suit incapable of making dinner and seeking only the oblivion of dreamless sleep.
Once again I was failing my wife and family just adding to my feelings of worthlessness.
A true warrior whether male or female dusts themselves off and starts to plan a counter attack, sometimes I feel so damn tired. I am in a tough business (aren't we all these days) which requires a doggedness and level of entrepreneurship I fear I sometimes lack.
Perhaps I also secretly fear that I know that my bosses reaction will be negative and all this will be for naught.
Tomorrow is another day and right now I will take solace in the words of the Bishop of London who opened his sermon at the Royal wedding today with this quote:
“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”
I have been remiss in not blogging, from Good Friday on things at work were go go go. I was up writing proposals and articles until three am each evening. Wednesday my boss and I drove to Montreal for a meeting with the new network.
On the way down we had a chance to talk about business plans, cars, music and anything under the sun…well almost anything. Although tempted to tell him about myself (as I want to go full time soon) I am waiting until I have brought in a bit more new business.
Despite the rain and grey skies Montreal was beautiful, the meeting went well. We had a new 2011 Lincoln MKX to drive, I would have preferred a vintage Continental Mark IV or V. However, the cost of feeding a hungry 460 V8 at $1.41per litre would be painful.
Wind storms on the way back to Ontario, the grit spread by salt trucks during the recently departed winter produced mini sand storms and at one point a large metal road sign detached itself from a pole and just missed our windshield.
I returned home just in time to take my daughters to a school recital where the younger two were to perform. Back home for a quick dinner, stories and to bed.
The frantic pace of work, the business trip have all served to keep my mind occupied and the spectre of dysphoria at bay. A brief flare up when I spotted a group of red uniformed stewardesses checking into the hotel as I checked out. Virgin Atlantic maybe? Back home the dysphoria, sadness and doubt hit me hard and I could feel my frustration and anger build.
I am so worried what my boss's reaction will be, I am constantly over analysing any statement from him on sexuality or gender. The suspense is killing me.
Hugs,
April
PS. The photos are of my hotel room and the view from my window.
The new company I work for actually believes in holidays so I was banking on a rare Friday off. Because of family Easter events I thought I better get out with the girls Thursday night or nothing.
Thursday turned out to be a super busy work day leaving little time to get ready….as usual. The result being that by the time we got to Toronto (thanks for driving Natasha) I was already beat. Home by 3:00 AM, really I am too old for such nonsense. Honestly it was way more fun hanging out at Ashley's new place and enjoying girl talk and one or two of her excellent martinis.
Heading back to the car last night a guy in Cadillac tries to pick me up, but is was a Catera, I mean really….
This morning I am greeted by a phone call from the new network head demanding changes, new delivery dates etc…basically a red ball from heck with no way to get things done, since everyone from Toronto to Montreal is off for the long weekend. But my job to solve…..
Did I mention the proposal and article all due next week. Plus a trip to Montreal. Crazy but happy to have the job. Now about telling my boss, that is another kettle of fish.
Yeah I know I post a lot of Ramones tunes but here is a real hidden gem:
Late Sunday afternoon I was attempting to head out to do the week's grocery shopping with my youngest daughter.
I let her go outside ahead of me while I searched for my wallet, car keys and the list I just made. By the time I got outside she was deep in conversation with our neighbour. It seems his gas powered generator would not start. She had already volunteered my services to fix it, well I checked fuel delivery spark, choke but nothing seemed a miss. As he and I discussed possible problems and searched in vain for the manual she volunteered that "daddy" (that's me by the way) wanted to become a girl and was becoming a girl and that I had lots of girl outfits.
Great Caesar's ghost, I am sure I froze for a second, it was like watching a train wreck. Then she went to explain how at the father of a school friend had died as the result of being bitten by a snake, I believe this has less validity than her earlier statement. Laughing off her revelations I said I doubted anyone at school had suffered a snake related fatality. The neighbour seemed nonplussed remarking that it was understandable living in a house with three daughters.
Really I should not be surprised and expected this moment for some time. Perhaps she has already spilled the beans to her teacher, friends parents and the Sunday school class. On the whole I was more amused than horrified.
I did not correct her or swear her to secrecy, as there is nothing morally wrong with being transsexual/transgendered and I am not going to stigmatize it at home. I am hoping that going full time is not far off and then the point will be mute. In the meantime we will have to have a talk about when and to whom it is right to share such information.
Had to pick up all three from school today, driving home in the Electra we had Sam & Dave, Hold On I'm Coming playing, the two in the back providing an impromptu chorus of nonsense words….I could not help but be happy and grin like a fool…such a ray of sunshine on a cold grey day.
On Saturday I spent over half the day as myself, from early afternoon till three in the morning I was April.
We had a lovely week in Southern Ontario but Saturday it rained and rained. I had agreed to attend a forum on transgendered parenting in Toronto, where we would also meet a film maker working on a documentary on the same topic.
Not wanting to waste the opportunity I asked my friend Natasha to come along so we could hit the town that evening. I was in a terrible hurry as usual to get ready as I had to take two of my daughters to dance class that morning, leaving me with just over and hour to get ready. Running late and with only one coat of polish on my nails I left the house in jeans and boots, guy jacket hiding my top and no wig. Balancing a bag with a choice of heels and a skirt for the evening and an umbrella I managed to get in the Electra without looking like a drowned rat.
I was a little apprehensive about driving the 76 Buick in the rain and on the highway as the tires are of indeterminate age but no side wall cracks. Thirty five year old cars have a nasty habit of breaking down at the most inopportune times. Dressed en femme and in the pouring rain would surely tempt fate. On the plus side she had just taken me safely and at high speed to a meeting in Hamilton the day before. I had also replaced a leaking valve cover, changed the oil, greased the chassis, adjusted the timing and carb to factory specs, replaced cracked or dried out vacuum lines.
I made it to Natasha's place and we quickly got on the QEW heading to the big city. The weather made driving a white knuckle experience, I am sure we hydroplaned more than once, but we actually made good time to the heart of down town. Driving in Toronto can be a bit hairy and the congestion mirrors New York or London.
The forum was at the Sherbourne Centre, which has very limited parking, I had checked on line so I knew there was public parking a block north but it meant a walk in the driving rain and wind. Of course by the time we had parked the Electra, a space had opened up.
The forum was very diverse, M2F, F2M and lots of gender variants. Afterwards the rain had slackened but the temperature had dropped, braving the chill we walked over to a favourite Thai restaurant for either an early dinner or late lunch. Refreshed we retrieved the Buick before the meter ran out and drove over to the Gay Village, Natasha spotted some great on street parking but there was no way I was going to try an parallel park 19 plus feet of Flint, Michigan's finest.
We ended up parking her (the Buick not Natasha) at a nearby and heated underground lot that proved most useful for changing into evening wear, in my case exchanging the jeans and boots for a black skirt and low heels.
Not much night clubbing we ended having a much more enjoyable time at a local pub and later the coffee shop. Met some very interesting people, from an Algerian belly dancer top a Laotian oil man and his Filipino girlfriend.
Natasha lost her coat at a club but amazingly against the odds found it again at the last possible minute before we left far too late in the evening to head back to our respective suburbias.
Impromptu photo shoot with the Buick at 2:00 AM. I love this shot, I think it reflects how I felt that evening, confident and feminine. I want to be her all the time.
PS. The Electra ran great, (thanks to my recent tune up) consumed vast quantities of fossil fuels and garnered us many thumbs up on the way home from guys in their BMWs.
Amongst my many automotive obsessions I am also fascinated by the American Civil War. "J" and I toured the battlefields years ago in my 59 Cadillac. To steal a phrase from the excellent book Confederates in the Attic by Tony Horwitz our epic journey was a real civilwargasm.
I have been a civil war geek since my school days in the UK, my heart belongs to the romanticism of the South but my head knows that the Union had to prevail over the moral horror of slavery.
Insert witty segue here:
I managed to mire myself in the transgender vs. transsexual debate once again reading the posts and the comments both reasoned and vulgar. I even contributed to one blog.
I really need to keep clear of this civil war as it leaves me so depressed and full of self doubt. However, I have made some progress and can put that negativity I feel behind me. I do not mean any criticism of those who want to debate these issues but rather the mean spiritedness often on display.
Just a thought but do we see the same animosity between FtM pre and post op, early or late transitioners?
If you don't mind dear constant reader I would like to quote myself,
As for me personally I would have liked to transition earlier but I lacked the knowledge or even the frame of reference to know that such a thing was even possible. Not a day went by my entire life that I did not fervently wish I had been born female. Yes I fought those feelings and did my best to live the life that was expected of me.
I will transition, every mile on this road and been a battle, in the end I will have earned my womanhood.
Finally, I think it is very important to consider each persons social and economic situation as to when they choose to transition. I believe fate and to where and to whom we are born play a huge role in the ability to transition.
Who are we to judge?
Here is a beautiful take on my favourite hymn, though she does leave out the most powerful line;
In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea, With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me: As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free, While God is marching on.
I had to visit a friend and client the other week I had not seen in almost two years. We had kept in touch with the odd phone call and e-mail but our schedules never meshed. I finally pinned him down for a lunch meeting.
At his facility I met some of his employees I had also not seen in some time. I wore a suit, I combed my hair in as masculine a fashion as possible. But I didn’t look the same, the hormones have subtlety changed my face, my hair is longer than I ever had it before, I have lost weight. I guess it is a good thing I didn’t get my ears pierced yet.
We had a good meeting and seemingly picked up where we had left off. In a follow up call today he told me that my new “look” was the talk of his office, that he preferred my old rockabilly hairstyle, that I looked CONFUSED, a phrase he repeated a number of times. “You know” he went on, “in this industry you want to have a certain look, you know how car guys are”.
I laughed off his critique and did my best to steer the conversation back to business. Inside I was panicking, He Knows, they know OMG….he can see it!!!
I have lived so long with my secret to have it written on my face is terrifying. I don’t believe it will affect his decision to do business with us. However, clearly I need to tell my boss soon as possible.
That is another worry, my relationship with my boss is closer to that of a friend and I am afraid my eventual revelation will be seen as a betrayal.
And I thought I would have nothing exciting to write about today.
I recently changed jobs or rather companies, I am still doing the same thing in the same industry, I left my previous employer because I knew I could never transition there. So the first part of the plan has come to pass. Step two; tell my current employer that I will be going full time.
Before I tell him (by the way I work for a small privately held company not some multi-national corporation) I want to equal my salary in new business I have brought in within my short three month probationary period. I closed a recent deal that put me ¾ of the way there already.
After those three months and assuming I have reached my personal goal I tell my boss who has known me for a decade. We had worked together in the past as well.
I am a wreck trying to achieve my work goals and mostly wondering what his reaction would be.
I saw my therapist who told me I was giving all my power away to others, well my boss does have the power over my salary and thus life style, my families’ wellbeingand ability to transition.
He suggested perhaps I pave the way with some hints, hmmm not too keen on letting the cat out of the bag just yet. But sometimes the universe provides the answer you are looking for
My boss recently confessed that he loves the British soap opera Coronation Street, as does my mother who just informed me one character Hayley is transsexual. Bingo. Now to work that into a conversation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hayley_Cropper
Discussed my anxieties about goals and coming out to my boss with “J”, she said therapist is right, don’t, give him all the power. Don’t come as a supplicant on bended knee offering him a choice whether to accept you or deny you the right to transition at work.
Approach him in a respectful manner and state that this is who you are and always have been since he has known you. In the next few months you will be embarking on the next more public stage of transition and going full time.
The ball is now in his court as to whether to accept or reject you but not the decision to transition that is yours and you have made it.I feel a lot better about what I have to do now.
Saturday I was up with a spring in my step as I knew I was going out as April. But first get kids up for breakfast and the youngest two off to dance practice. The sun was shining and the promised spring had arrived (it would snow on Sunday just to remind us we do live in Canada). Everyone into the Electra.
Later that morning I took our seven year old to lunch at McDonalds for getting 100% on her spelling test. Much deserved as she had practiced hard all week. While having lunch she loudly (she does not have a mute button) that I was the best daddy ever, funny since there were so many other parents and children around….I am sure they must have been crushed.
Yes she does know all about me, then we took the mauve dress back to winners and looked for a cardigan to go with the green dress I was planning to wear that evening. The day was so nice we broke out the bikes and peddled to the video store to rent a movie for the children to watch that evening, I walked.
I had planned to meet Ashley a local restaurant/bar at 9:00 for a drink then off to a dance at the Carrigan Arms sponsored by HOPE (Halton Organization for PRIDE and Education). Some advance planning was in order. Toe nails were done the night before, finger nails late in the afternoon so they had time to dry. Dinner made and family fed.
I got myself ready and drove over to Milestones, the big Buick created some interest in the parking lot as I cruised around looking for Ashley’s car. As I don’t have my new phone yet, I parked and went in all by myself….gulp. I sat at the bar ordered a cosmo and did my best to look cool and collected. Ashley showed up shortly looking as elegant as ever and we had a good chat for at least an hour before heading over to the dance.
There is a dance every Saturday now to raise money for the organization and despite the warm weather not as packed as past events but we were welcomed back by old friends and a small but friendly crowd. Received some nice comments on my outfit and makeup from the GG’s there. As usual Ashley and I were the only “girls” in attendance. Danced a lot for me. once I relaxed a bit. Only wish they played my kind of music (who does?) and I would have worn my heels down to nubs.
Didn’t leave till 1:30, tired but felt on top of the world for getting out and being me.
Musical pick today is Sukiyaki (I look up when I walk) the 1961 Japanese smash and 1963 hit in the States by Kyu Sakamoto. I always had this filed under guilty pleasures but after seeing it used in a segment of Mad Men I have reconsidered and proudly added it to my iPod play list.
Apologizes to Elizabeth Smart for the title of this post and to any constant readers for my weeks absence. It has been a month since I got out as April and prior to going out with Ashley on Saturday I was scared I had lost my confidence.
A shopping a trip was in order, if I could find something flattering I might feel a little better about journeying beyond my front door en femme. I was still in my black suit and very stylish lavender tie when I drove over to one of my little burgs two malls. Perhaps Friday evening was not a good choice as the place was busy filled with browsing consumers.
I had a quick look in Zellers where I returned a blouse and sweater I had bought two weeks ago. They fit but just didn’t work on me. Then payless but my confidence was rapidly fading, I felt so out of place, I could not browse the racks dressed as a guy. The suit also set me apart from most of the shoppers but still better than scruffy bloke mode (apologises to Jenny at LBF for stealing her phrase).
My mind was in depressive over drive, you look foolish, your hair is too long for a guy, and you will never pass whatever you buy. I started to panic and rushed out to the velour safety of my Electra. I wanted to weep; I could not even go shopping without a breakdown.
Eventually I pulled myself together and resolved to re-enter the mall. I bought a mauve dress at Winners and then having a great teal print dress at The Bay. It was not easy I was still very self-conscious but after the first purchase I was beginning to relax. The cashier at The Bay was great. She read me right away (remember I was in guy mode) and knew the dress was for me. We had a nice chat, which made me feel a lot better
Practice makes perfect, I guess I will just have to practice more…
Here is a great Who tune I criminally had to heard until last night:
Now I am more of a "Rocker" than a Mod but this cut is super hot.Video has some great sixties fashion images.
“J’s” father passed away late Monday morning, she had been by his side almost constantly since he entered the hospice.
He was in considerable discomfort, it was difficult for her to watch and do her best to comfort him. She did a great job, was very strong and I am sure helped him find peace at the end. “J” has a strong faith that has helped her cope; I only wish mine were as strong.
Her father was a gentleman. He really was a wonderful person, worked on the line at Chrysler when the cars still had fins, became a police officer, adopted three children, built is own house. He was an artist, though I am sure he would not describe himself that way, both in photography and carving. A car guy, backyard mechanic and all round handyman in that great Popular Mechanics tradition.
He always put me at ease and would let me ramble on about cars. I never heard him get mad or upset.
What a day, for the second night in a row I was up till 3:00 AM working on the laptop. Unfortunately the project only took till half past midnight, compatibility errors/bug (?) between Microsoft Word 2010 and older versions of documents I was modifying.
The problem meant two and a half hours of misery and creative cursing. Some team members were able to open the file, others got error messages.
Finally decided to cut the Gordian knot and recreate the file this morning on the older Dell PC in the basement the children use….would have been a lot quicker if I had done that in the beginning.
Totally stressed this morning as it is now late in the day and still lots to get done.
My recent enforced return to the closest so to speak is pretty depressing but it cannot be helped. “J”’s father is ill and she has unselfishly spent every evening by his side.
Like a good book that you turn to when in need of cheering up I have sought out the history of those who have gone before. I have written about April Ashley and Amanda Lear in earlier posts. I don’t seek to emulate these women (I don’t think I could) but I do draw strength from their example. To have transitioned in the sixties must have taken considerable will power and self-awareness.
In this more enlightened though less cool age transition should be a heck of a lot easier. I enjoy rereading their stories as it is a reminder that all is possible and I too will get there.
Despite a week of spring like weather that had car guys and gals around here exhuming their rides for what promised to be an early driving season, winter roared back with a vengeance yesterday.
In the preceding sunny days I spotted a few C4 Vettes, Harleys and one pro stock 63 Dodge Polara!
Yesterday’s storm is on record as the worst of the season and the biggest after the first day of spring since 2005.
It started around five am and did not let up until late last night. I shovelled the drive way twice and still this morning it looked like I hadn’t done a thing. Now it was worse, all the wet snow had turned to ice, making shovelling even more of a chore.
I had to drive to a lunch meeting in Mississauga yesterday, I took the FWD Toronado and I am glad I did as the roads were unplowed and very slippery. Lots of impatient drivers and lots of accidents, a great day to have stayed home as the police were advising.
It would have been a good day for shopping if you don’t like crowds….
Up too late last night working on a business proposal, hope all that midnight oil was worth it. Pictures are of the Toronado yesterday and the Lincoln undercover this morning, the drifting snow having given her fangs and a more prominent nose.
What is a post without a musical interlude. Today I give you the Bloody Tomahawks. One half of this duo is the great Rev. Frost who regularly offers up crazed rockin’ mixes to download via his blog, direct form South of Hell, France as he like to say.
I highly recommend the tracks Bursting Love and their version of the Cramps, Garbage man:
Meeting with clients the other day, wore my blue suit and drove the Electra since the president is a car guy and wanted to see my latest acquisition.
The meeting went very well and I hope to have his company as a sponsor for the 2011 season, but trying not to count my chicks before they hatch.
Felt like quite the executive, suit, big car and with the Stones , Gimmie Shelter on the 8 track (well playing through an old cassette adapter hooked to my ipod) it was quite the seventies flash back. I was still playing with Hot Wheels sized cars in the seventies.
Hard not wonder if they would have listened to April (met with president, VP and Marketing head who was a woman) especially if they knew me before.
The meeting was a hit and quite a high, for a short while I felt great but you can't constantly bat home runs to chase the blues away.
When looking up videos for this post I came across that great scene near the end of Goodfellas where the Henry Hill character is going crazy trying to do a dozen things at once, seems like my life sometimes, minus the strung out on coke part... enjoy:
It has a been a busy March Break, no I was not off partying in Fort Lauderdale with all the college students…they do still do that don't they? I never saw the need to head south to party, I always had papers to write and exams to study for. I was an awful boyfriend, nose in a book when she would visit, but "J" stuck with me anyway.
The new job and "J's" father getting very ill meant I did my best to balance work and looking after the girls while they were home this week. Nothing special, movies, pizza dropping them off with my mother when I had to attend a last minute meeting in person. Sunday was better and we all went to see Disney on Ice. Being stuck (imprisoned) in guy mode meant I was rather dour.
Saturday I spent a good few hours washing the winter grime from they Town & Country, the Toronado and some detailing on the Electra. The Buick has already been pressed onto regular service easily swallowing the children in its cavernous back seat and a trunk that could hold six months worth of groceries. Gas mileage around town…about what you would expect. OPEC sends me valentines cards.
My attempt to make a few baby steps forward was a bit of bust, only just made it to the salon appointment on Friday evening and no time to get my ears pierced. Still a little worried how that will go over at work. I will still need a wig for the foreseeable future but should be able to dump it eventually, so long as I don't have to go back to short back and sides for work considerations.
My level of motivation, for all things took a hit this week. It took me a while to realize it but I was/am depressed, well d'oh! Actually I think I have been depressed for much longer, about the same period that I have been able to go out. Instead of more freedom, I feel more constrained. It is not the job but temporary family issues that have meant I am needed at home all the time.
Going out as April is so necessary but fraught with such anxiety, I always feel rushed, never time to relax and get ready. Just ask any of my friends how many times I have actually made it on time. It is like transitioning and de-transitioning all in one evening, the longer the period in between outings the harder it gets. I doubt I am explaining myself as I would wish but just trying to organize my thoughts helps.
Honestly I feel like a total shit complaining and feeling sorry for myself I (but that is what depression is all about), who want to write that in a blog about themselves? My grandmother, "J's" dad and my brother in Japan, all much more important and immediate problems.
Here's to a better week for all.
Hugs,
April
The video was sent to me by a car friend, vintage racing car crashes with a haunting tune by A. A. Brody called "Killed Myself When I Was Young. I don't think you can take your eyes away from the amazing footage.
I like the song, I first thought of suicide when at university, depressed by my imminent flunking out of business school (I did eventually manage to get my MBA) and perhaps other worries. But that is a post for another time.
I feel more than a little churlish bitching about my life when there are such bigger problems in the world. My mother is dealing with her mothers passing, "J's" father is not well (we had a scare yesterday) and my brother is in Tokyo sharing an island with a score of unstable nuclear reactors.
I found myself becoming very depressed this week over more than personal loss, the damn dysphoria picked just the wrong time to stage a come back. For the last couple of weeks I have felt myself on a knife edge teetering between hope and despair.
Shopping with "J" and the girls at Winners seemed to bring it on full force. Although I had time to look around myself I was in despised male mode and not comfortable browsing. In fact I found myself becoming more and more depressed, the proximity of the feminine world and my inability to fully join it added to my misery. Sometimes I want to weep with frustration...
It has been some time since I have been shopping in either boy or girl mode and I felt rusty.
Funny enough I am sure I spotted one of my own at the store, she looked great and even I was unsure but height (sigh) and the fact she was wearing a skirt and heels was the tell when all the GG's in the store were in jeans or pants of some sort. Actually I am here to praise her as I am sure she passed 100% with everyone else.
I was planning to get out for a quick coffee with a friend as April but the shopping trip went too long for me to get ready on time. As a result I had to cancel at the last minute. That did it, I was officially down for the count. My heart was not in it, I wanted to wallow in my own misery.
Once the black dog gets its teeth in you all one's other worries come out to play, can I pass, will I ever pass, perhaps I should just give up. It is all an impossible dream. Do yourself a favour and just be the guy you were physically born as.
No I am not out into the light again but nothing is achieved without hard work and planning. Time to make some things happen, even if they are baby steps.
Time to remember to stop whining and start singing. Nobody but me can make it happen...
Great "garage" version of the Human Beinz, Nobody But Me by the Norwegian girl group The Launderettes:
The funeral for my grandmother was this morning. Lincoln limousines not Caddys.
As they say funerals are for the benefit of the living not the departed. My mother gave a beautiful eulogy that made her mother's life come alive in the minds eye of all those in attendance.
Like the title of this post suggests, I was going to use Elvis' version of Long Black Limousine but...
In guy mode I was suitably stoic but the minister had prepared a video montage of her life. The music he chose was the one song guaranteed to make me cry, Into the West, Journey's End from the conclusion to Lord of the Rings. It was all I could do to keep myself together but still I felt the tears come.
The photo is from her wedding day in 1941, she looks like a movie star.
Most of yesterday was spent at the funeral home and later at my mothers planning the funeral. The funeral home was very good striking the necessary balance between commercialism and compassion.
I was fine during most of the day but as we approached the end of the planning process I had to excuse myself and go sit in the car for a minute least I start sobbing....you know something guys aren't supposed to do.
Recovering from a lack of sleep yesterday as I received a call at 2:45 AM about the earthquake in Japan. My brother and his family live in Tokyo so naturally we were all worried. He was able to send an e-mail very soon and my mother was able to speak with him yesterday to everyone's relief.
The weekend looks as if it will be a busy one and the funeral is Monday morning.
