A Question of Confidence

It has been a week since I visited CAMH, time is flying by and I feel that September and the planned date for going full time will be here before I know it.

Friday is already Canada Day and the summer solstice has come and gone, so many things to do, cars to sell, the Corvette still has not come out of hibernation. We are finally coming to grips with moving around the children's bedrooms and a quick repaint of the oldest's room seems like planning for D-Day when every day life is constantly getting in the way.

My focus has been on work work work primarily and although it has taken my attention away from any transition issues it means that I am not obsessing about what the neighbours or remaining relatives will think. I am afraid I have a very one track mind and tend to fixate on single issues.

I also cannot help worrying about employment and what will happen if I am not successful in helping the company grow and have to look for a new gig as April.

I feel rightly or not that a successful initial transition (going full time) is very much dependent on mental preparedness, at least for me. I wish I passed every time without question, even with FSS and SRS I expect that will not always be the case.

A projection of confidence and self assurance in our true gender is perhaps the most important ingredient. I know I see that in the reaction to some of my more fearless friends.

Believe it or not my confidence is slowly improving, especially as my hair grows longer and the hormones promote changes in body and mind. I am not as timorous in public but still have a long way to go. Work and family life mean that I do not get out as much as I would like as April and I fear that September will be a something of a trial by fire and less like slipping seamlessly into a new identity. To paraphrase on an old statistics professor trials and suffering are good for you.

The Eldorado continues its slow march towards getting licensed. A trip to the Ministry of Transportation offices resulted in disappointment on Saturday. I had gotten up early and headed out the door but still faced a line up even before they opened their doors at 9:00 Am. Despite a safety certificate (like an MOT), proof of insurance, invoice and original ownership it turned out I didn't have the proper Ministry approved appraisal form…for tax purposes of course.

I was happier with the above photo from Saturday as my hair looked better in my opinion. I also love the top, seems to be very French.

Well from France to Italy, here is Mina with Bang Bang from 1967. Mina is an Italian pop legend who was on the scene from the late fifties to the missed seventies. From wikipedia: Mina dominated the Italian charts for fifteen years and reached an unsurpassed level of popularity in Italy. She has scored 77 albums and 71 singles on the Italian charts.

I actually like her take better than Nancy Sinatra, Tarantino should have used this version in Kill Bill.

Hugs,

April

CAMH 2

Tuesady was the big day for my follow up appointment at CAMH. I spent time in the morning getting some real work done, a quick bite to eat then a rush (as usual) to get ready.

The weather was not humid with temperature at noon around 75 degrees so I ended up taking the Electra and let J keep her vehicle.

The drive into Toronto was not bad with only one minor slow down. Off the Gardiner Expressway at Spadina then north through China Town to College. I paid the exorberante fee to park underground at the University of Totonto just down the street from CAMH.

I wore my favorite green dress but the cream two inch heels were murder so I found a place of sit down and have a diet Coke instead of wander around.

My appointment was with a newish female intern, as there has been a changing of the guard so to speak in the almost two years (1 year and 9 months) since my last visit. Almost everyone seems to have retired.

We spent the time discussing the changes and developments since my last visit. Basically I have to show them proof of going full time, pay stubs, letter from my boss etc. at that point I start the clock ticking on my one year real life experience. After that point I can be approved for surgery. Amazing to think that in one year I would be able to book an appointment with Dr. Brassard in Montreal.

Overall a good day. Stuck in terrible rush hour traffic going south on Spadina, clocked by a trio of teenage girls handing out leaflets to passing motorists, which was upsetting after a positive meeting. No one else seemed to pay me any undue attention. I think I held up well in the heat (no working AC) and only looked partially wilted...see self portrait in the car.

The drive back on the QEW was stop and go so I got off at Winston Churchill and met up with Natasha and her spouse for chicken wings before returning home...waiting for dark of course.

Hugs,

April

A Return Visit

CAMH is the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, they are the gatekeepers for all sexual reassignment surgery in Ontario.

I saw them almost two years ago for my initial diagnosis. The appointment on Tuesday in Toronto is a follow up to let them know the progress I have made and that I plan to go full time in September.(job permitting)

Of course I plan to go as April, just as I did on my first visit. This time no wig or silicone to hide behind.

Their rule is two years full time as a woman before one is eligible for surgery. I believe the requirement has recently been reduced to one year. But there will be a backlog.

I still need an outfit and have had neither the time or the budget for something new. Hope "J" and I can put something together tonight.

Since the climate control system in the Electra is not working I asked J if I could take her Town & Country which has working AC. Worried I would arrive a sweaty mess if I could not stay cool in rush hour traffic. I don't need as much makeup as before but I will not go completely natural.

Forecast calls for rain so maybe I will take the Electra after all and save her the indignity of driving a 35 year old car to work.

I did briefly consider taking the GO Train (a commuter service) but the ride back would be during rush hour and the train is usually packed to the gills, standing room only. I am not that confident to present as April in such close contact and sharing ones personal space for an extended period of time.

Or I could go the parade float route and drive my 59 convertible.

I pray that visit is as positive as my first. If I were not so worried about the economy I would feel more celebratory.

My kind of traffic:

Peyton Place

As I said yesterday what I am currently worried about (besides economics) is the reaction of our neighbours on the close knit suburban street we live on and have lived on for 15 years.

Our quiet tree lined street is like going back in time three or four decades. It is its own little community within the bedroom community that serves the "centre of the universe" otherwise known as Toronto.

Everyone on our street is basically the same age with young children and of the same waspish ethnic background. Everyone knows everyone to some degree, the children play together and the adults get together for impromptu barbecues and parties on the front lawns where someones garage becomes the local pub for the evening. Quite idyllic really.

Not much has changed since the suburb was built in the early seventies, just the cars on three street look more modern, well not in my case.

"J" and I have talked a little as how to break the news prior to that day in September where I take that first public step out the front door as April, the day I nuke the planet from space. I or we will speak to the immediate neighbours to the left, right and directly across the road from us. "J" will speak to some of her friends up and down the street.

News travels fast here and I would expect the entire street to know that same day. I do not relish the idea of becoming the local "tranny". I am sure I will experience more than a few panic attacks in those early days. As much as I want that day to come, to begin to live authentically I am almost physically sick with worry over my neighbours reactions. In fact I much less fear coming out at work (already out to my boss) and dealing with clients in what is a predominately male industry.

I do not want "J" to be ostracized by her friends, I don't want other parents on the street forbidding their children from coming over to our house to play with our kids.

I don't expect angry villagers with torches but "J" and I have discussed worse case scenarios, that we have to move or that I will have to leave at least for now to somehow lessen the blow. Out of site, out of mind.

Hugs,

April

From Wikipedia:

Peyton Place is a novel about the soap opera goings on in small New England town published in 1956. Peyton Place became a movie in 1957 and an equally famous primetime drama series,which aired on ABC in half-hour episodes from September 15, 1964 to June 2, 1969. The term "Peyton Place" became a generic label for any community whose inhabitants have sordid secrets.

Drinking Gasoline

I thought that working from home would free up more time but it seems as if my days have been getting more and more busy. As a result the frequency of this blog has suffered. Previously I would use some of my commuting time behind the wheel to compose posts in my head. Now I try and find a minute or two to squeeze my thoughts onto a word document.

So what's new…the Eldorado finally made it home after a year plus of being up at one of the few garages I trust to work on my cars. Unfortunately the left hand side body fillers between behind the front and rear bumpers cracked. The original urethane is very susceptible to UV rays. I had already replaced the right hand side with fibreglass repops. I am getting good at taking them part ;)

The plan is to get her quickly on the road at little or no cost (meaning I have to do the work). Then decide which seventies GM front drive luxury car I am going to keep and which to sell….or both sigh. Any major problems will mean parting her out (April sheds a tear) so she better get to work and earn her keep in my oversized fleet of super tankers. In light of record high gas prices, what do I decide to drive, the biggest V8 ever installed in a production car…a 500 cubic inch Cadillac motor, that is 8.2 liters for my European readers.

I got out on Sunday to see girlfriends Marissa and Natasha, too much coffee was consumed. I was feeling like I wanted to bow out but I had a great time and was glad I decided to go.

On Monday evening I had a doctors appointment, blood work showed estrogen high, testosterone super low to minuscule. Referral to a voice clinic in Toronto. I also talked to her about being depressed, she recommended some natural supplements and continuing with my exercise before resulting to better living through chemistry. Imagine, my first trip to a health food store!

Another first, I went to the appointment as April! Nervous, yep but also so very affirming. Doctor made a note to have staff call me April next time instead of my male alias. Yes, just like the above photo, no wig, rather uncertain looking natural hair and all.

I am still pretty stressed about everything but I am in a far better place, I just have to make it last .

So what am I obsessing over this week. Well the planned September date for going full time rushes on like an approaching storm. Practical concerns like what and how to tell the neighbours is keeping me up at night. I wish I could just say I don't care what other people say but my transition also effects my wife and children in a million different ways.

More tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Feeling Like a Super Womble

I have been remiss in not updating my blog with the most recent developments.

I had become very depressed as a result of the uncertainty of my job and the coincidental inability to transition.

The prospect of going backwards and remaining "him" felt like a death sentence. I could not reconcile myself with starting over with a new employer to go through this all over again. This was my last chance to transition and I was losing it.

As the week wore on my attitude began to change. Instead of resigned despair a hint of resolve began to return. I would transition, I would even look for a new job as April if that is what it took. Such brave words...I know but they are true, I hope I have the guts to live up to them.

On Thursday I met up with an old friend and car buddy. We had know each other for over two decades. It cheered me up no end to catch up with him. I had decided now was the time to tell him.

I started by saying are you familiar with the terms, transgender or transsexual. He stops me and says, you know there is a difference.

This was going to be easier than I thought. He was very kind and we talked for hours. He did say he knew there was something different about me for all these years.

I feel much better today, after talking with my old friend I realized that my intense depression and despair was due to the fear that I would have to go back to being "him" for who knew how long (or worse forever), especially if I needed to find a new job. I know now that I CANNOT do that, it would either kill me or make me the worst most unpleasant person in the world to be around.

His acceptance and encouragement helped me realize I could not go back whatever happened. We talked to almost three in the morning. My heart felt so much lighter. The clouds of doom had begun to lift.

I even felt like going out again. I meet up with Ashley for a night at the Carrigan arms. It was pride day on our neck of the woods but they were rained out, which made for a crowded pub. Photos are with my natural hair and at 3:00 AM so no wonder I look that way. And no I do not have a tan, it seems to be an effect of the iphone's flash.

Busy Sunday, no news from our big client on Monday, the job still hung in the balance. Tuesday morning's mail brought good news, our biggest client paid. Our small company lives to fight another day. I still face an uphill battle to help make it profitable but now as April.

The plan is to go full time in September, I am excited and terrified.

Musically, now for something completely different. Super Womble by the Wombles.

My UK readers will likely be the only ones familiar with these guys.I went to a British boarding school from the mid seventies to early eighties so that explains my weird musical taste.

The Wombles were a family of unidentified critters who lived under Wimbledon Common and collected litter. A BBC kids show, they were so popular they had a string of hits records. It is supposed to be Chris Speeding on guitar! Great Chuck Berry like solo.

Hat tip to my Mom who sent me a story about the Wombles playing Glastonbury.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/glastonbury/8565442/Glastonbury-boss-angry-at-Wombles-invite.html

Hugs,

April

Two 1959 Classics

It has been a tough week and very emotional, but more of that tomorrow perhaps.

I must be feeling a bit better as I finally brought my 59 Caddy out into the sunshine after almost a year of hibernation in the bat cave (my garage). I have been lucky enough to own my dream car since I was 16….of course it was in pieces when we first met.

A freshly charged battery and some high test dribbled into the centre carburetor to prime it (she has the rare Q engine option otherwise known as, tri-power, three 2 barrel carbs). I am pleased to report she fired right up. After a quick check of vital fluids and tire pressures we were ready for a test drive around the block.

Later that day I took her for a late night drive along Lakeshore road with the top down. Sublime, the cool night air off the Lake Ontario, lights twinkling on the far shore and the 390 cubic inch big block purring, I could have driven all night.

The next day my friend Natasha dropped by and we took the Caddy for a spin. I picked up the children from school on Monday and after dinner we drove to a local cruise night. I swear the car has had more use in the last few days than all of last year.

I first fell in love with 1959 Cadillacs when I was at boarding school in the UK. Not long after I saw my first 59 Caddy I caught the 1966 film Funeral in Berlin and spotted well you can guess…

Bonus points for seeing the irony in Harry's embarrassment at explaining the contents of his sample case.

As a change from my usual rockabilly related selections here is The Little Sparrow from her 1959 appearance on the Ed Sullivan show. I just watched the bio pic La Vie En Rose, a great film that moves back and forth in time culminating in the performance of at the Paris Olympia in 1960. Such a terrible and sad childhood but what a voice.

Hugs,

April

Paint It Black

Beautiful summer has appeared as if by magic born of a record damp spring. But all I can see is a line of cars and they're all painted black"

I reached a nadir emotionally yesterday, my thoughts had turned increasingly dark as I could see only a lose, lose outcome from any possible future outcomes. Worried that my mood was dangerously bleak (I think you' all know what I mean) I stopped by to see my mother, I had a near breakdown but unburdening myself has not really helped.

"J" argues that I need pharmacological help. I am rather afraid of messing up my thinking anymore than it is already. I do know that things cannot go on like this as my depression is having a negative effect on those around me as well as my ability to function beyond work.

April

Yeah I know the photo is not of a black car but it is a 1959 Cadillac Superior hearse. Obvious choice but you can't go wrong with a classic, perhaps the most beautiful funeral car ever made.

A Cruel Twist of Fate

Oh but we are the playthings of fortune. I have been reluctant to update the blog as I have been down in the dumps. But dear reader you get me for better or worse.

It seems a cruel joke that having finally found a position that will accept me I am in danger of loosing my job. A major client has not paid and the company is in danger of running out of operating capital and hence my predicament.

I cannot bear the thought of looking for another job, who will hire me (a freak) , I will have to cut my hair (I cannot tell you how loath I am to contemplate this), postpone transition. Do I transition anyway, I fear my job prospects starting out as April will be next to nil.

Or just take the easy road of societal acceptance and remain male, anesthetize myself with cars and antidepressants

It is not to say that these things must come to pass but it is too close to call.

Why Aren't You Happy?

Ah the $64,000 dollar question. I should be happy I told my boss and I still have my job, there is technically nothing stopping me going full time tomorrow.

Except I promised "J" that I would wait till school is finished in five weeks or so. Not that I am planning to transition that soon anyway, September seems to be a more fortuitous month.

I was asked the question that is the title of this post earlier this evening by my wife. She is right my happiness at the great news has been muted, I have been quick to anger, overly emotional and perhaps a little depressed.

Nevertheless I have experienced a great deal of relief and have the energy to begin planning for my future again. But not happy.

It is fear I believe, fear that the road ahead will be even more difficult than the gruelling emotional journey that got me to this point.

Fear that doubt may be returning, I owe it to myself and others to be sure of my motivation. I hesitate to express these thoughts as I do not wish to be considered wanting. "see I told you "he" was not really transsexual". I want this blog to be as honest as I try to be with myself.

Do I have second thoughts, no I cannot go back to the way things were. I cannot live a managed male existence. I could try and maybe even succeed for a short while but there lies madness and self destruction.

Rather it is fear of future emotional, personal and financial pain that has dulled my joy.

It is the fear of a loss of anonymity. As a cis gendered male I wore a virtual invisibility cloak, I could pass through the sea of society without being noticed.

As a trans woman that anonymity vanishes and I put my true self on display for the world to see. There is no where to hide.

Up until recently when out as April I wore a wig, I looked nothing like my male self. I could have walked right by a friend or neighbour and they would be hard pressed to recognize me.

My natural hair is longer (not long enough yet) and I am once again self conscious about going out. I can no longer hide behind that disguise. I am forced to share myself with the world. Now that is scary.

Hugs,

April

Dog Catches Car

Like the proverbial dog who finally catches the car they have been chasing…now what do I do?

It has been a somewhat surreal day, yesterday I told my boss. It went well, in fact better than I could ever possibly imagine. The momentous event, the last major hurdle to going full time, the one thing I had been obsessing over and dreading for months now.

Today was spent driving around the furthest reaches of the city in the sudden summer heat attending meetings. Total guy drag, grey suit and fresh white shirt. One business acquaintance who I had not seen since last year remarked on how did I grow so much hair. Tired from yesterday by the time I made it home late this afternoon I felt as if I was going to collapse.

It is now late Friday night/Saturday morning but I have recovered enough to jot down my thoughts.

We had a company meeting yesterday and the tension of the past few weeks had lifted with some good business news about one of our largest clients. I had been working hard to generate my own positive news for the company but this struck me as the perfect opportunity to speak with him now that the pressure was off and the "problem" at hand could have his undivided attention.

I asked to speak with him privately that evening, no he said lets talk now, there was no way I was going to bare my soul in the middle of a parking lot. I told him I would call after dinner to arrange a place and time and no it was not about money or me quitting. No doubt he was still freaked out, what was wrong was I sick, family member sick, going to die?

After dinner I call, he wants to talk over the phone, again I insist I must see him in person. Earlier in the day I had prepared a file with an article on transsexualism, my camh letter and some photos. So where to meet, neutral ground was important, I blurted out the name of a local watering hole as it was the first thing to come to mind. A few minutes later I raced down the highway I wanted to get there first to snag a quiet booth, I pulled off the highway and there he was ahead of me on the overpass.

The bar was packed but the crowd worked to my advantage as it was so noisy with folks watching the hockey game (don't ask me who was playing) we could have a relatively private conversation without anyone listening in.

I asked first if he had any idea why I wanted to speak with him, no, he wasn't going to make it easy on me. I asked him to read my camh letter, at one point he looked up from the letter and I could not read his reaction. I tensed up my nerves already wound tight and my heart in overdrive. He asked for explanations of gender dysphoria and SRS.

I would not have told him or even joined the company had I not had a feeling he would be supportive. We have known each other for almost a decade now but still when it comes to this of all things, the reaction of our friends and loved ones can sometimes be very difficult to predict and so often we imagine only the worse possible outcomes.

To his ever lasting credit he basically said it was no big deal, that we can deal with it and that he was there to support me. He reiterated that ones health, family and work were what was most important and in that order. So after some discussion of my history, the mechanics of transition and my intention to go full time this year it turned into a regular business meeting where we discussed new developments and how to move the company forward.

A great outcome and all it cost me was the bar tab for all those martinis ;)

I am confident I can do my job and do it better as April.

I am finally free to consider the practical realities of going full time. It all hasn't quite sunk in yet. I know there are further challenges ahead but I feel as if an immense weight has been lifted and once again I can contemplate the future with some hope.

Hugs,

April

Space Nazis

The production team behind Iron Sky has released a new trailer. See below.

I love alternate history (in this case alternate history meets alternate future). Space Nazi's from the dark side of the moon I cannot wait!!!! Nazi's evacuate earth in 1945 and set up a secret base on the moon to re-invade earth in 2018. Thank God President Palin will be in charge by then.

http://www.ironsky.net/site/

Another great Nazi themed horror movie is 2008's Outpost, available on line. It was well received and an Outpost sequel "Black Sun" is in the works. Zombies mixed with esoteric, occult fascism.

http://www.facebook.com/OutpostBlackSun

I will refer you to John J Reilly's great alt history site for some mind blowing book reviews on occult Nazism and the truth is stranger than fiction life of Francis Parker Yockey. What an opening line…

"Francis Parker Yockey was born in Chicago in 1917 and committed suicide in 1960, when the FBI finally caught him. He dedicated his life to reversing the outcome of the Second World War, a project he believed could be accomplished by 2050".

http://www.johnreilly.info/dod.htm

http://www.johnreilly.info/blasu.htm

To steal a line from Jake Blues, "I hate space Nazi's"

April

Part 1 of Outpost below:

Au Natural

Another step forward, I went out the other night with no wig. On Friday when I saw my therapist I wore what I usually wear around the house when I work at home. Jeans, top, bra and a little makeup or jewellery.

I felt great as I thought I looked ok, not fully like a guy in a dress. I was not as happy with my look Saturday night, casual but more makeup and more time spent on my hair. It certainly is long, well past the length I ever had it before. I don't think I will feel confident until it is they length of the wig I usually wear. I also want my hairline moved when I go for FFS. Thanks to "J" for help with styling and make up!

First photo is only mascara and eyeliner second photo in black top is full makeup, foundation etc. I know I do this "pose" all the time…it is my blue steel. Comments good or bad welcome.

I was out for coffee with girlfriend Marissa and I was very calm and surprisingly not self conscious or any more than usual.

When I finally get it long enough brunette or perhaps black in colour.

Lots of rain this weekend, children's activities, house cleaning, finally watched the King's Speech. Did you all catch Chaz Bono on Oprah OWN Network? Sensitively told and I was especially moved by his early childhood memories.

tomorrow Space Nazis...

Check out Victoria De Mare (horror movie actress) new 45 produced by the legendary and very weird Kim Fowley. Couldn't find a You Tube link so listen as part of Mal's garage punk podcast #34 here:

http://feeds2.feedburner.com/MalThursdayShow

Speaking of childhoods memories, I always wanted a "banana" bike like a Schwinn Stingray but by the time I was old enough to ride a two wheeler these bikes were out of fashion and could not be found for sale at the local hardware store. Yep I still want one!

Hugs,

April

And of course you need a Wham-O wheelie bar:

Harlots On Wheels

It is illegal for Saudi Women to drive. I have a lot of issues with any religious theocracy but the right to private transportation is as anyone reading this blog night guess, very important to me.

The freedom of movement is closely tied to the functioning of democracy. No tyranny can survive when its people are free to go where they want. The introduction of affordable automobiles to the west (thanks Henry) changed our society forever.

Can you imagine how isolated you would feel being unable to go anywhere unless a male relative or chauffeur (an expense few can afford) is available to drive you in your own car!

Saudi women with international drivers licences are planning to start driving on mass on June 17th. For this act of defiance they risk job loss, arrest, travel bans and branded as harlots by Wahhabi clerics.

I wish them success in changing the kingdom's laws and perhaps this will signal the start of a peaceful revolution that will lead to equality and democracy.

Links:

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-05-10/saudi-women-to-get-behind-the-wheel-in-defiance-of-driving-ban.html

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?%20%20eid=117325311683192

Hugs,

April

Nuts to You

fair waring, lots of car stuff follows with a pithy segue back to trans issues.

I was up early yesterday to drive to the industrial city of Hamilton to get a front end alignment done on the Electra. The old alignment shop I had used to patronize had to my chagrin closed , the owner retired…I guess it had been a while since I had been there…six or seven years as it turns out.

The new shop was near the harbour in the heart of the steel mills. It was a beautiful morning and even this part of the city looked bright and new in the spring sunshine. I made good time as I was running against traffic and flew over the Skyway bridge at 80 plus mph.

The Electra had developed a pronounced pull to the left at speed making driving rather unpleasant. I had a sneaking feeling that the tires, of indeterminate age, might be to blame.

A quick inspection at the shop revealed the front end to be tight and the mechanic

pronounced the Electra in excellent shape underneath (thanks original owner) and that the culprit was my first guess a bad right side tire.

I decided to drive home on the lakeshore road instead of the highway. Later that day I jacked the car and removed the offending tire. Once off the car a very bad bulge could be seen in the tread area. I am lucky I did not have a blow out at speed or my road to womanhood would have been in a hearse.

Getting the wheel off was a bit of a problem as the car had cheap replacement chrome lug nuts, I am sure GM never used these as original equipment. One of the nuts would only spin when a tire iron was applied.

Turns out that the shiny part was just a stainless steel shell over a standard open nut. Years of on and off again had distorted the shell making it spin around the steel nut and making the wheel impossible to remove. I managed to split the shell and pry it off with a scream driver so I could then get a ratchet on the nut .

I will invest in a new set of tires and nuts but to keep the Electra mobile I fitted a spare tire and Buick mag rim I just had stashed away in the garden shed. Sometimes it does pay to be an automotive pack rat. The tire and wheel was the spare from my dearly departed 1970 Riviera GS and the rim itself I believe dated back to my first car, a 1971 Buick Centurion convertible.

I even had a good used mag wheel centre cap to replace the original faded one. It had for the last few months served as a paper weight on my desk. A test drive showed the Buick to now drive and brake in a straight line.

How long had that wheel cap waited in a box in the garage then as a paper weight, now part of a functional automobile again after all these many years. Perhaps like that part those of us transitioning will have the benefit of a second act in our lives.

I know the role I am auditioning for.

Super tired today as 'J" and I were up talking very late, subjects both deep and trivial, like old times.

Like attracts like. Picture with the Allante is from Mother's day, both examples of GM luxury all be it from different decades in the appropriate setting of a country club parking lot.

Summer is almost upon us so lets have some Beach Boys.

Hugs,

April

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

I so often get bogged down in the terrible drama and angst of changing genders…or rather claiming the right one. Make no mistake it is the most socially subversive and difficult thing you can do.

On my calmer days, those rare occasions when I am comfortable and at peace with myself I often think what is the big deal, why should I worry about what everyone else thinks. I am lucky to live in a free and democratic society and it is my choice and mine alone as to who I am and how I choose to live. I must be channeling the true me, as my therapist describes her, ruthless but compassionate.

Now if I could just find a balance between the angst and Pollyannaish declarations of freedom I will be fine.

As I wrote to a friend the other day my worries over my job, business deals and the companies survival (let alone supporting my family, keeping the house etc if my job was too disappear) overshadowed if not outweighed the fear about coming out to my boss. All of a sudden I was snapped out of my paralysis of fear, I know I can tell him now and let the chips fall where they may.

I cannot go back, it I have to find a new job it will be as April, brave words I know. The title of this post is apropos as I have often said going full time is not burning your ship on the shore but the nuke the planet from space option. I am saving that clip from Aliens for the day I go 24/7.

Now I just have to catch him in a good mood. Give me a couple of weeks, stay tuned.

Saturday night I was able to get out a local GLBT dance, new Japanese themed dress from Le Chateau.

Hugs,

April

Is that a Hatori Hanso sword or are you just glad to see me?

Devil at the Crossroads

I feel that my life is at a crossroads, the time has come to tell my employer, the gateway to me going full time sooner rather than (much) later.

To say nothing and preserve the status quo, that road sees me cut my hair and put April on ice (a 45 right between the eyes for that pushy broad) or perhaps try and integrate her into my predominantly male life. I think it is all or nothing, living only for those stolen moments as my true self would be too painful.

The other road sees me open my arms to the possibilities of the universe, the real fear of financial ruin, public scorn and loss of a relatively comfortable middle class existence. The promise of success and the joy of becoming the woman I was supposed to be.

I'm tired of waiting on you…

Hugs,

April

Recognize the tune, used in The Walking Dead.

Roadrunner Once

I walked by the Stop n' Shop

Then I drove by the Stop n' Shop

I liked that much better than walking by the Stop n' Shop

because I had the radio on

Truer words have never been spoken

Random Thoughts from Suburbia

My up and down emotions had me in depressive valley yesterday, down about work and the worry concerning telling my boss. I think coming out to someone important is like an earthquake. The pressure builds and builds over time until the force of the truth must finally be released. I have tried to be cool and detached but as events at other companies have conspired to ruin all my best laid plans the time to tell has come whether I want it or not. I cannot wait any longer, the day is imminent, acceptance or ruin.

My fears about the toll my transition is taking on my wife's emotional well being are well founded. As usual when depressed I stayed up too late, this time we ended up talking instead of sleeping. Again she encouraged me to seek pharmacological help, we have drifted apart and neither can continue on the path we are on without breaking down. Although not her intention our discussion makes me feel terribly guilty, if it were not for the children I would wish to travel back in time and erase our meeting. To allow her to find someone normal and not the flawed person she ended up with.

On past occasion I will think can I put all this all behind me and try once again to live as a normal man, husband and father. Is it a sacrifice that could remain permanent? Would it save things? Our talk does not cause any of these doubts to return but rather reinforces my decision, my transsexual status all the more clear through the hurt of her own memories of our life together.

Lets switch gears, Magda Goebbels. I made the mistake of watching the excellent German film Downfall, earlier this week. The story of the last days of Hitler as Berlin falls to the final assault by the Red Army. I have always been fascinated by the end of things, nations, ideologies, even corporations. The disillusion of the Confederacy, the defeat of the Third Reich even the end of the Packard Motor Company. A list GM almost found themselves on recently.

The scene where Mrs. Goebbels, a true believer in National Socialism to the bitter end poisons her five children was almost too much to watch and I wept. Despite its intensity I would still recommended it highly. The eldest daughter Helga sensed what was coming and tried to resist.

I bumped into an old work colleague the other day at the Chapters book store. We were both looking at the hot rod magazines, he hadn't recognized me, not thinking I said hello. He appeared shocked, no I was not en femme, but my hair, the weight I had lost (not that much I thought) and the changes in my face brought about by hormones obviously threw him for a loop. We talked about business and cars but I could tell my appearance was a distraction.

Amazing election results here in the land of ice and snow an unnecessary (and dangerous to the economy) election called by the Liberal party to defeat the Conservative minority government resulted in a large Conservative victory, the New Democrats supplanting the Liberals as the official opposition. Speaking of the end of things the Liberals were reduced to only 30 plus seats and the separatist Bloc Quebecois party almost fades into oblivion. I have no doubt the Liberals will be back.

So not a bad week in the news, especially as the mass murder Bin Laden is also consigned to the dust bin of history. A Navy Seal dispatched him with a "double tap" to the head…shades of Zombieland.

Hugs,

April