Today we met with the lawyer to basically finalize our separation agreement and pave the way for a divorce decree before the end of the year.
In happier times it was this view that we both looked out upon as we embarked on a honeymoon cruise to Bermuda. New York is also where I first set foot in the new world, only one year old.
But not about me today.
In Southern Ontario we are having a mini heat wave, warmer than even that perfect day back in 2001... when the world changed.
It was a global tragedy, an atrocity, my heart goes out to all my American friends.
I recently discovered an very cool album from 1980 by Marie France called 39 de fièvre (RCA). The record combines, rockabilly, sixties garage and the ye-ye girl sound. So right up my alley.
Despite her punk background she has become something of a traditional French chanteuse. In 2008 she returned to her roots teaming up with the Phantoms to record a rockabilly/garage album.
As my regular readers will remember I have a thing for late fifties, sixties French pop culture. Most of the tracks are available to listen to on You Tube ...enjoy.
And one more thing….she is or rather was transsexual.
Fast rewind the time machine to 1980 and I was a boarding school in the UK, beginning my obsession with rockabilly and Cadillacs. At the same time tormented daily by my own thoughts….what the hell was wrong with me, was I the only one, I must fight this curse at all costs, the shame, the guilt. Heck you all know what I am talking about.
Wonder if things might have been different if I found this record….what a role model! Better late than never!
My recovery seems to be going well and I am following my dilation routine to the letter as Dr. Brassard recommended. My times during the day are not consistent but I get in three required sessions.
On the home front things are less rosy.Divorce will soon be finalized and I will have to vacate our home for the last fifteen or so years. J and children to stay in family home. Employment is still an issue and my writing doesn’t generate a steady income. Wherever I end up I will be seeing a lot less of my children about which I am extremely upset.
My emotions have been on the raw side this last week and I have found myself sobbing at the most ridiculous things.
I had been watching an old British sitcom called Hi De Hi about a fictional Butlin's like holiday camp during the late fifties. The series focuses on the camp staff and ran for nine seasons. The other day I caught the very last episode on You Tube. In the final episode the staff learn the camp will not open next season and their little family is cast to the winds.
I think I cried for thirty minutes at the bittersweet conclusion, seeing parallels to my own situation, silly no?
Sometimes it overwhelms me and threatens drown what I hope is the good person inside of me.
I think I have managed to keep a positive attitude despite personal and employment issues. I can remember how far I have come and how lucky I am to have many supportive friends and family.
But sometimes the old me flames back into being, the old me… always angry/sad/miserable… I take each minor setback to heart and bile floods my soul.Dear constant reader that corrosive anger is like a drug, I used to draw my strength from it, the fuel of my ambition and a necessity to get me through the day.
I would hazard a guess many transsexuals have that same self hating anger as a crutch. The original concept of anger (wrath) as one of the seven deadly sins meant anger directed externally as well as internally.
Part of me welcomes its return with open arms, so familiar and so comforting. Yes it whispers, hate the world, no one loves you,you are freak.
Clearly I have written this post more than a few times over my journey, the telling helps exorcise the demons, thanks for listening everyone.
As the villager said in Monty Python's Holy Grail, she turned me into a newt but I am much better now…
Today I vacuumed and washed both my Cadillac Seville and Buick Electra. Always a work out but I managed it. I also installed a new dash in the Seville to replace the original that had cracked, hey it is almost thirty years old!
I saved a blue dash from an 82 Seville last summer and had dyed it red (using leather shoe dye) to match my interior. Kudos to Cadillac for making it an easy job to replace, only eight bolts and four Phillips head screws.
Took the Electra (love that name, just rolls of the tongue) for a spin around the block, OMG forgot how wonderfully smoooooth and powerful and large.
Fun Facts:
According to classical mythology Electra was the daughter of King Agamemnon and and Queen Clytemnestra who took revenge against her mother and stepfather Aegisthus for the murder of their father, Agamemnon.
The Phillips head screw was invented by Henry F. Phillips of Portland Oregon. The importance of the crosshead screw design lies in its self-centering property. One of the first customers, in 1937, was GM for its Cadillac assembly-lines.
At 233.3 inches (5,926 mm) long the 75 & 76 Electras are the biggest Buicks ever made.
GM designer Wayne Kady was responsible for both the 1976 Buick Electra and the 1981-1985 "bustle back" Cadillac Seville.
Today is the anniversary of my first month dilating or as we shall now call it GMS (girl maintenance schedule). Natasha I liked your acronym so much I shall now call it mine.
I get to go down from dilating four times a day to three, which means every minute of the day does to seem to be dominated by ones GMS. Downside is that I have to now use the next size larger….owwww.
#3 is a light green colour, perhaps I will call this one Kermit, because you know its not easy being green.
GMS time per session increases from twenty to thirty minutes. Five minutes for #1 (statutory grape), ten minutes for #2 (blue meenie) and fifteen minutes for Kermit. Sitz baths twice a day continue for another month.
I am feeling better and can get out and about more. I even attended a dinner party last Thursday, my inflatable donut was my date.
On Monday I drove for about forty minutes to visit my father and to check on my 59 Cadillac, which is currently in his garage complex. It was a good visit but I find I tend to over do it then pay for it the next day feeling super tired.
Tensions are high at home with “J” needless to say. Divorce looks to be finalized soon and then matter of house and me moving. You probable guessed I will be having some storage issues. But that is a story for another day.
Doing my best to remain positive and to focus on job search.
I don’t know if I would go as far as say I am back in the land of the living but I think I have finally left the walking dead stage behind.
The mind is willing but the body is weak sums up the way I am feeling this morning.
First of all a big thanks to super blogger Cass who kept the home fires burning on this blog with my garbled texts from the front lines. She has also been a true friend patiently listening to my tearful bitching.
What the hell can I say about the experience, except I am still processing it all. I knew theoretically that it would be painful but never having had any major surgery I was ill prepared for the level of pain I experienced. Emotionally it was challenging, transition is a gradual process but SRS is an immediate change.
I left the recovery center in Montreal on the 10th, my father once again was nice enough to pick me up and drive me back to Ontario. First stop was McDonalds; I was craving a Big Mac and a McFlurry, ohhhhhh greasy, chocolatey heaven.
For the last two weeks plus I have been staying at the home of my old friend “D”. I have known “D” since I was 14 and we share a love of old luxury cars. He was the prior owner of my 76 Electra Limited coupe. I will be returning the favor and playing Florence Nightingale later in the year when “D” goes in for surgery….no not SRS!
It was agreed between my ex “J” and I that I do not come home right away as she didn’t want me upsetting the children. Also I would feel obligated to help out around the house when I would be in no condition to do anything but look after myself.
After two weeks I am really looking forward to getting home to my own bed, seeing my girls and last but not least DRIVING!!!!!!! I don’t care if it is around the block but I need to see six feet of hood in front of me and seven liters plus of V8 under my right foot. Talk about withdrawal. Forget Demerol my drug of choice is Detroit.
“J” and I disagreed about my return, I wanted to come home now, her opinion was that I don’t ever. After much discussion by text and in person we seemed to have reached a compromise. I will be going home but the stay will not be permanent. I would have secured my own place before surgery but as a writer I am hopelessly underemployed. A real job is my priority, writing is only a stopgap, I have an MBA in marketing and have worked for multinationals such as Bridgestone Firestone and the Bank of Montreal.
The photos were taken by my friend Natasha after a mercy trip to Taco Bell we popped into my favorite salon to say hello to the girls….. what can I say fatigue overcame me.
