A beautiful day in Southern Ontario, the sun was out and the temperature was above freezing making it seem all the world like spring.
Pale citizens ventured forth blinking at the strange ball of light in the sky. Couples walking hand in hand, convertibles with their tops down, even a few motorcycles.
If it were an Elvis movie I would have burst into song.
Having survived a tough week I felt as if I had received a reprieve from the governor. Perhaps even a little giddy at leaving the depression behind.
Last night I got out with friends and I was able to realize how far I had come and how lucky I am. There is still a lot of anger in me ( I would think this is common with anyone born transsexual) that often threatens to boil over into self hate.
I am trying to appreciate and enjoy what I have now while striving for an even better future.
Here is a tune by the Dollyrots that sums up my rediscovered positive but oh so humble belief in myself:
Awfully tough two days that saw me back to being seriously depressed and utterly without hope. I wanted it to be over, the struggle to put one foot in front of the other seemed unbearable. Another year of being unemployed too shameful to face.
I love the television show Mad Men, it was so sad when last season the British character Lane commits suicide, his first attempt foiled by a Jaguar that refuses to start despite his best efforts to correct the problem. It occurred to me that morning that I had a Jaguar in the garage too and one that would start.
A close friend came by and we talked most of the afternoon away. We are not ourselves when depressed and can do things that we might not have the opportunity to regret.
The next day we talked more and I spoke with a close friend and blogger here on T Central. By the end of the day I was back to my "normal" self.
Thanks to my friends both near and far for being there for me.
What a miserable day, that started with such promise.Over the holidays I had been preparing, researching and honing my interview skills for a senior marketing position with a company near me.
The job description was near to perfect (without involving cars) as I could have wished, the commute short and the pay great. I was sought out by a headhunter, as the position was not publicly advertised.
This was my express ticket back to the corporate world.
All signs were good! The job would have cut the Gordian knot of my life and solved multiple problems….so I should have known I wouldn’t get it.
I dressed conservatively but well, hair done and as far as I know passing with flying colors. According to headhunter and my own appraisal of the one on one with the president I aced the interview with my “winning personality” but fell short when it came to manufacturing industry experience.
Got the call I didn’t make it.I knew that I would be depressed if I didn’t win the position but wow. …gutted, as you’ll in England say. Vile depression rushed into the void left by hope. I felt like this was my last chance at a normal life. All I want is to hide in my room and cry, pathetic.
It has been a challenge to keep functioning but I have other responsibilities and must continue. Sorry to be a downer but writing about such events does take some of their power away and even inject a little perspective.
As a child at boarding school I suffered terrible insomnia, no doubt brought about the stress of my surroundings.
I rarely suffer from sleeplessness as an adult, in fact I can usually down a cup or two joe in the evening and then sleep the sleep of the innocent, my lights going out as soon as my head hits the pillow.
The problem is that in the innumerable years in between I developed a bad habit of being a night hawk. Going to bed at two in the morning and getting only four hours (sometimes less) of sleep a night.
Freelancing means that I have to devote most evenings after the children are in bed to getting in my second shift. By 11 PM I have got my second wind, if I am on a roll I will push it till the early hours. Sometimes I will try to squeeze in some exercise in those evening hours too.
It used to be working outside on cars in all weathers, I always found a reason to tire myself out and never be in danger of being all alone with my thoughts....hmmm wonder what all that was about ;)
As the children have been off for two weeks and I have been spared the early morning routine of being the family alarm clock, breakfast maker, a lunch bag packer I have let myself get to bed later and later…sometime after three am.
Last night was no exception, I had to edit an article that proved a little more difficult than I expected. The thirty minute job stretched into three hours. I should also mention that I am enabled by fellow scribe and inveterate insomniac Cassidy http://cassidysquest.blogspot.ca/. We will trade off musical and cultural links well into the night.
School begins again on the 7th so wish me luck in my attempt to better manage my schedule.
There is still hope science will eliminate the need for sleep, think how productive we could all be. Of course we might all go crazy from the lack of REM sleep.
Does anyone remember that X-Files episode, "Sleepless" where the intrepid Mulder and Scully investigate strange deaths surrounding a group of Vietnam veterans, guinea pigs of a secret military project that eradicates the need for sleep.
"sleep is where demons are released in our dreams." The characters in "Sleepless" were haunted by their memories in real life because they were not able to sleep".
When I first saw the episode I thought, where can I sign up!
OK kats and kittens another Christmas has come and gone. Its time to look ahead to 2013 (jeez hope it was better than 2012) with my first annual predictions for the New Year:
1.Mini skirts will make a come back:
2. Detroit will be sold to Omni Consumer Products for $1.
3. Aliens will return Elvis:
4. Lincoln will release a Mustang based Mark IX with a 600 HP Coyote V8, well that is if I am made Lincoln brand manager, Ford you can contact me at this blog. Don’t forget to add lots of chrome boys.
5. Zombie virus will break out in China finding its way to our shores via infected leopard print mini-skirts sold at Walmart.
How is that for the world's most unimaginative post, well that is what you get for blogging before your first cup of coffee.
Thanks to a Christmas gift from my mother I was able to pay a long over due visit to my favourite salon for an electrolysis appointment and to get my hair done. I had been very upset with recent photos as I hated the way my hair looked, not that I can do much with it as it is so straight.
A little bragging, a regular client who had seen me in guy mode when I first started coming to the salon (and at the time asked why a guy was there) remarked to stylist about how nice that woman looked.
Highlights and a cut made it look much neater in preparation for an interview and some important meetings in January.
Busy since Christmas working on a series articles due in January. Nothing too exciting, most automotive business stories.
On Wednesday we had more snow fall than we had all of last year combined.
Driving back from Hamilton after coffee with friends was particularly challenging. I avoided the high winds on the Skyway bridge over the entrance to Burlington harbour. Instead I took the unplowed and unsalted road along the lake. Slow going but the Lincoln handled it with relative aplomb, as long as one had a delicate touch with the accelerator.
The next mourning, two plus hours of shoveling and car moving about, oh and in heels. Wouldn't want my crazy neighbour to think I am nothing but a helpless woman.
Seville's bustle back filled in by wind and snow
Poor Lincoln lived its early life in Florida
Opened as a toll bridge in 1958, paid off and toll removed 1973
